You know that little voice inside your head? That tells you things that are glaringly obvious but you somehow don't want to see? This voice keeps telling me to stop being stupid and trusting people like my person always does.
As I pull yet another knife from out my back, with the blood also comes the pain of previous stabbings, adding up to a dull, throbbing pain centered in my head near that tiny voice. It's saying 'Told you so, maybe next time you'll listen'.
How many times can you yank a Jojo up and down before the cord breaks? This I wonder...And if that cord breaks, what happens then? Does the Jojo break too? Do you fix the cord?
If you slam it down often enough to actually destroy it, is it then even worth fixing? Isn't it just your own fault?
Enough with the stupid comparisons, here's the deal: betrayal, leading on, false hope, fake feelings. They suck, they sting, they hurt, all of that. Am I addicted to it somehow? Does my head have a big sign saying 'oeh hey there lady, take me, I'm easy!'? Or am I leading myself into these traps time and time again, setting myself up for failure.
I must be, the only other explanation is either really bad luck (he ran backwards into my knife, 15 times, I swear!) or is it something bigger than me that has decided I'm the perfect subject for the ultimate practical joke.
Sadly, I don't believe in either luck or something bigger than me....so what's left? To pick up the Jojo again and hope the string stays in one piece a little longer, until someone comes along who knows how to actually use the bloody thing.
28 September 2010
4 September 2010
School is for learning!
School has started again, and this year I too am part of the new league of first year does, looking around as if stricken with flashy, bright headlights.
Only, in a way, I can be considered a seasoned deer, already having spent 4 years in college but without much luck.
The instant I stepped into the classroom to meet my new classmates I knew I would be the 'oldest' this time around, usually looked upon with pity and seen as an old fart with nothing usefull to say. Also, the fear struck me, if even for a second or two, to still be that guy who entered college 5 years ago. Timid, silent, socially inept and withdrawn...
Like hell that was gonna be me! I was, and still am, determined to not be those guys and I succeeded. You can only make one first impression as they say and although that is not my strong suit, I managed quite well to leave a mark on that meeting and the one after that.
A few days after the first meeting came the so-called introduction day. Intended to get to know ones classmates, seniors and chosen city of learning, the planning always includes games and hikes. It also never gets done the way it is planned, for as early as 10.30 we were sat in front of a bar in the warm sun, enjoying our first glass of beer of the day with many more to come.
My class turned out to be the official 'most fun class' of the new year as we instantly all bonded and had a great time until the sun set and people departed to far-off beds to prepare for the early morning in class the very next day.
I sat in the train feeling fulfilled and kinda happy. I got accepted even though I am 7 years everyone's senior, proving that you are only as old as you feel and behave. The fact I'm mentally 16 and I act like that worked to my advantage this time...
Besides my now well-known tolerance to alcohol and knack for silly puns, sarcasm and dirty wit, I have also proven myself to be reliable and knowledgeable in the fields my study requires me to be proficient in.
'But Sav...is it all good and well in your life then?', one could ask. Nope, it is not or should I say, of course it is not. The things bothering me did not go poof overnight nor will they ever. The many issues, the many insecurities, the many problems, the many downers, they all still linger. I just have less time now to worry about them, which is probably for the best.
Sav.
Only, in a way, I can be considered a seasoned deer, already having spent 4 years in college but without much luck.
The instant I stepped into the classroom to meet my new classmates I knew I would be the 'oldest' this time around, usually looked upon with pity and seen as an old fart with nothing usefull to say. Also, the fear struck me, if even for a second or two, to still be that guy who entered college 5 years ago. Timid, silent, socially inept and withdrawn...
Like hell that was gonna be me! I was, and still am, determined to not be those guys and I succeeded. You can only make one first impression as they say and although that is not my strong suit, I managed quite well to leave a mark on that meeting and the one after that.
A few days after the first meeting came the so-called introduction day. Intended to get to know ones classmates, seniors and chosen city of learning, the planning always includes games and hikes. It also never gets done the way it is planned, for as early as 10.30 we were sat in front of a bar in the warm sun, enjoying our first glass of beer of the day with many more to come.
My class turned out to be the official 'most fun class' of the new year as we instantly all bonded and had a great time until the sun set and people departed to far-off beds to prepare for the early morning in class the very next day.
I sat in the train feeling fulfilled and kinda happy. I got accepted even though I am 7 years everyone's senior, proving that you are only as old as you feel and behave. The fact I'm mentally 16 and I act like that worked to my advantage this time...
Besides my now well-known tolerance to alcohol and knack for silly puns, sarcasm and dirty wit, I have also proven myself to be reliable and knowledgeable in the fields my study requires me to be proficient in.
'But Sav...is it all good and well in your life then?', one could ask. Nope, it is not or should I say, of course it is not. The things bothering me did not go poof overnight nor will they ever. The many issues, the many insecurities, the many problems, the many downers, they all still linger. I just have less time now to worry about them, which is probably for the best.
Sav.
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