So right now it's about 30 degrees outside, which is a breeze compared to the 35+ we've had for most of the day. I'm not a big fan of high temperatures, if you hadn't guessed yet..
My ideal (for summer) is around 25 with a breeze, no more, and then dropping to about 10-15 at night so I can get some bloody sleep. But of course as with everything here the weather has to overdo it. Tomorrow's forecast: even HOTTER! Aaaaaaaah!
Normally I wouldn't care too much. My job takes me outside but cycling provides its own breeze and I can slow my tempo down if I want to. Plus I always make sure to have 2 bottles of water with me, 1 of which frozen so I can sip that tasty melted ice water along the way. But tomorrow will be worse because of that thing from today.
Yes, I'm back from hospital and my head is killing me. A grand total of 1 hour spent with the surgeon poking, scraping, tearing and stitching, 6 needles to sedate the immediate area (all of which I felt urgh because different areas) and enough plasters to make me look like I cracked my skull or something. Luckily the pain could be worse and it's all for a good cause so. Tomorrow I'll hopefully have less bleeding, less itching and less feeling that someone is pinching my scalp really really hard... with hot pincers. Followup appointment next week Wednesday to take out the stitches and fingers crossed nothing gets infected due to the heat and/or sweat from being outside working for hours.
Tomorrow is also the launch of the 7.0 patch for WoW and for some reason I can't really be excited for it. Maybe because after a week of not playing I don't miss it enough yet or maybe because it doesn't bring anything 'new' yet besides the Wardrobe and Class changes. I did think about my 'master plan' that involved selling off all my garrison resources for gold but I can't even be bothered to log in 10 minutes to collect about 20k gold. Something must be seriously wrong...
Anyways, not much else to report besides my gym regimen still going strong whoo! Besides today and tomorrow, which I'm skipping for obvious reasons, I'm looking forward to hitting that cardio again soon because even if there aren't any real physical effects yet, the psychological effects surely are more than worth it already.
P.S. RP story still coming, just.. soon!
19 July 2016
14 July 2016
3.2.1.. GO!
Oh wow what an active day today was!
First I finally had a shift at work, they're starting to get more numerous now that holidays are officially starting and more and more routes start becoming available (I'm a postman yush!). So that kept me busy till about 1pm. After that I went to the gym again and it still feel great xD My shoulders are protesting a bit but that's natural, only means it's working. Tomorrow will be my last gym-day for the week because 5 days on and 2 days off is a good rhythm for letting the muscles recover and such. I did have to get a new pair of training pants though, I kinda ripped out the crotch of my old ones yesterday after a very intense squat hahaha xD
So after all that was done, it was time for new stuff! My friends (and most of the world it seems) has really been getting into Pokémon Go lately so I couldn't stay far behind. My 2 irl friends offered to teach me the ins and outs at a meeting spot in a nearby town so off we went. The weather was perfect for it and when we arrived there were about 20 other people gathered there due to close proximity of 3 PokéStops, 5 Gyms and of course bars to offer us refreshments. We chatted with many new folk and had some friendly rivalries as we loudly let everyone know we support Team Blue (GO MYSTIC!!). Some guy even jokingly rounded up some friends to challenge us for control over the gym that was situated there after which an hour long battle erupted in which the gym went back and forth between Blue and Red. Eventually the Red team was too strong so before we went off (my friend's battery died, wah waaaah) we did a circle around the place and conquered the other 4 Gyms for Team Blue :D
Next week we're meeting up again when we're going to stroll around the neighborhoods and see what we can catch. Also tomorrow evening I'm joining one of my friends and one of his friends for a walk around our own town to claim the Sprundel Gym (situated on top of the church) and have some nostalgia fries.
In other short news, but not any less important:
- I've finally gotten the go-ahead to start my thesis in the end of October meaning if all goes well I shall be a Bachelor in BA around April next year yay! After that comes the finding a job and an apartment part which I'm looking forward to a lot.
- My doctor's visit from last Monday paid off, though not the way I wanted it to.. After examination he told me he wouldn't be doing his thing and instead referred me to the hospital instead. This because the lumps on my head were both bigger and more numerous than before and because one of em had him a bit worried. This coming Tuesday I'll be checking in at Braavis HOspital for my scheduled surgery. Definitely not looking forward to that and having to wear bandages around my head again..
Anyways, time to get some sleep because I managed to snag a double shift tomorrows. Yay moneys!
First I finally had a shift at work, they're starting to get more numerous now that holidays are officially starting and more and more routes start becoming available (I'm a postman yush!). So that kept me busy till about 1pm. After that I went to the gym again and it still feel great xD My shoulders are protesting a bit but that's natural, only means it's working. Tomorrow will be my last gym-day for the week because 5 days on and 2 days off is a good rhythm for letting the muscles recover and such. I did have to get a new pair of training pants though, I kinda ripped out the crotch of my old ones yesterday after a very intense squat hahaha xD
So after all that was done, it was time for new stuff! My friends (and most of the world it seems) has really been getting into Pokémon Go lately so I couldn't stay far behind. My 2 irl friends offered to teach me the ins and outs at a meeting spot in a nearby town so off we went. The weather was perfect for it and when we arrived there were about 20 other people gathered there due to close proximity of 3 PokéStops, 5 Gyms and of course bars to offer us refreshments. We chatted with many new folk and had some friendly rivalries as we loudly let everyone know we support Team Blue (GO MYSTIC!!). Some guy even jokingly rounded up some friends to challenge us for control over the gym that was situated there after which an hour long battle erupted in which the gym went back and forth between Blue and Red. Eventually the Red team was too strong so before we went off (my friend's battery died, wah waaaah) we did a circle around the place and conquered the other 4 Gyms for Team Blue :D
Next week we're meeting up again when we're going to stroll around the neighborhoods and see what we can catch. Also tomorrow evening I'm joining one of my friends and one of his friends for a walk around our own town to claim the Sprundel Gym (situated on top of the church) and have some nostalgia fries.
In other short news, but not any less important:
- I've finally gotten the go-ahead to start my thesis in the end of October meaning if all goes well I shall be a Bachelor in BA around April next year yay! After that comes the finding a job and an apartment part which I'm looking forward to a lot.
- My doctor's visit from last Monday paid off, though not the way I wanted it to.. After examination he told me he wouldn't be doing his thing and instead referred me to the hospital instead. This because the lumps on my head were both bigger and more numerous than before and because one of em had him a bit worried. This coming Tuesday I'll be checking in at Braavis HOspital for my scheduled surgery. Definitely not looking forward to that and having to wear bandages around my head again..
Anyways, time to get some sleep because I managed to snag a double shift tomorrows. Yay moneys!
12 July 2016
Clean(ing) Break
Yay, I felt like posting again, good times!
The plan was to open up with an RP story for World of Warcraft that I've been working on for a while, bits and pieces inbetween classes and scribbles on bits of paper from things floating around in my head before I go to sleep. Sadly, it's not quite finished yet >.< But somewhere this week for sure!
In the meantime just a quick post about what I'm doing at the moment. I've decided to take a little break from my Warcraft adventures for a few reasons. Main one being that, because I've been playing for over 11 years without a serious break at this point, I have run out of things to do. I have nearly every class at 100, nearly all non-PvP achievements, 275 mounts, 308 toys, 703 pets... so pretty much all I can reasonably farm right now. The next content patch, 7.0 Pre-Legion extravaganza, is still at least 2 weeks away and I just found myself coming up with the most idiotic things to pass the time ingame like running LFR wings 5 times a week for the CTA satchels and such. There's only so much one can do to stall before actual boredom sets in.
Another reason is that with the expansion in sight people are slowly returning again and not all of them have adjusted yet to the way I want things to be in the guild but I'm also aware they need time to adjust so instead of just getting endlessly annoyed this option works out nicely. Also I slightly feel like my safe haven, quiet retreat, zen place, whatever of the last 7 to 8 months is now being turned in the Azeroth equivalent of a tourist beach in summer. Might be some reflection on that and how I want the guild to be moving forward is a good thing.
This morning I went to the gym for the second time this week, as I promised before. I'm usually very good at starting this kinda thing but the real trick is finding the right motivation to keep it going. I think I found that this time around, or at least I hope I did. We shall see! But for now I feel pretty energetic from the workouts, I got a proper workout schedule as well which is 3 90 minute arm/leg/torso stuffs respectively that just cycle every 3 days. Mixed in is a lot of cardio to get my condition up and to get the fat burning. I must say, besides the obvious physical effects and stimulation it's also a good mental boost. Finally I'm doing something about this body I've been neglecting for a while and it's allowing me to find more reasons to ditch the PC and head outside to do stuff. All that obviously also helps with my almost instinctive need to start up WoW, Discord or Anook and check everything all the time. By being distracted and filling that void with other things I feel that this break might last a bit longer than the typical 3 days I've managed in the past. Of course it helps that, like I've pointed out in my previous post, I'm not really attached to anyone timewise or contentwise right now so it's not like anyone out there (or in there?) is waiting patiently for me to come back so they can do their thing.
Anyways that was a longer ramble than I thought it would be and though I'm still convinced no one read this, I just like writing things down. Not just because it's good to get stuff of my chest but also because it's very interesting to read back things I wrote yeeeeaaars ago (also on this blog) and to see how I've changed because it's hard to actually keep track of that in your head.
So yeah, neat RP story soon!
The plan was to open up with an RP story for World of Warcraft that I've been working on for a while, bits and pieces inbetween classes and scribbles on bits of paper from things floating around in my head before I go to sleep. Sadly, it's not quite finished yet >.< But somewhere this week for sure!
In the meantime just a quick post about what I'm doing at the moment. I've decided to take a little break from my Warcraft adventures for a few reasons. Main one being that, because I've been playing for over 11 years without a serious break at this point, I have run out of things to do. I have nearly every class at 100, nearly all non-PvP achievements, 275 mounts, 308 toys, 703 pets... so pretty much all I can reasonably farm right now. The next content patch, 7.0 Pre-Legion extravaganza, is still at least 2 weeks away and I just found myself coming up with the most idiotic things to pass the time ingame like running LFR wings 5 times a week for the CTA satchels and such. There's only so much one can do to stall before actual boredom sets in.
Another reason is that with the expansion in sight people are slowly returning again and not all of them have adjusted yet to the way I want things to be in the guild but I'm also aware they need time to adjust so instead of just getting endlessly annoyed this option works out nicely. Also I slightly feel like my safe haven, quiet retreat, zen place, whatever of the last 7 to 8 months is now being turned in the Azeroth equivalent of a tourist beach in summer. Might be some reflection on that and how I want the guild to be moving forward is a good thing.
This morning I went to the gym for the second time this week, as I promised before. I'm usually very good at starting this kinda thing but the real trick is finding the right motivation to keep it going. I think I found that this time around, or at least I hope I did. We shall see! But for now I feel pretty energetic from the workouts, I got a proper workout schedule as well which is 3 90 minute arm/leg/torso stuffs respectively that just cycle every 3 days. Mixed in is a lot of cardio to get my condition up and to get the fat burning. I must say, besides the obvious physical effects and stimulation it's also a good mental boost. Finally I'm doing something about this body I've been neglecting for a while and it's allowing me to find more reasons to ditch the PC and head outside to do stuff. All that obviously also helps with my almost instinctive need to start up WoW, Discord or Anook and check everything all the time. By being distracted and filling that void with other things I feel that this break might last a bit longer than the typical 3 days I've managed in the past. Of course it helps that, like I've pointed out in my previous post, I'm not really attached to anyone timewise or contentwise right now so it's not like anyone out there (or in there?) is waiting patiently for me to come back so they can do their thing.
Anyways that was a longer ramble than I thought it would be and though I'm still convinced no one read this, I just like writing things down. Not just because it's good to get stuff of my chest but also because it's very interesting to read back things I wrote yeeeeaaars ago (also on this blog) and to see how I've changed because it's hard to actually keep track of that in your head.
So yeah, neat RP story soon!
10 July 2016
I only come here when I'm down
It's been over a year since I posted, oh how time flies! As the title says, I only come to my 'blog' when I feel like I need to get stuff off my chest that no one else will take. At least I think that's how it works.
A lot has happened this past year, good and bad of course. Ever since I've become single again I've been struggling to find out who I am now. And to be honest I'm still not 100% sure. What I do know is that after moving past the heartbreak, the regret, the anger and much much sadness I've come to appreciate once more what it is to be by myself. That's also the reason I'm writing here but more on that later.
Flying solo has its advantages for sure. No one to tell you what to do, no one to steer you one way or the other. Perfect freedom to do whatever you want. Flipside of course being that everything you do has a little less meaning because you can't share it with someone else. Achievements and fun moments ring hollow when you look around and there's no one there to congratulate you or to say 'haha, yeah I saw that, that was hilarious'. Over time I've adjusted myself to this and I've come to accept that, because of who I am and what I do, I'm not really suited to be in that kind of environment.
Sure, I'm still GM of my own WoW guild and with that come certain responsibilities and expectations. You'll always find me ready to answer questions or participate in events and social gatherings.
But not since her have I felt that connection again. A while after it all sank in I realised I did some things that resulted in me not having many (online) friends left to talk to. I set out to rectify that but I've also been hesitant to. Not only to make sure I never end up in a situation like that ever again but also to protect myself when it comes to attachments.
There's probably about 2 or 3 people I regularly talk to about issues that go beyond 'hey nice weather eh, how about that football match'. While this is on purpose, it's also harmful in the long run.
Recently I've begun to go out more and expand my comfort zone beyond 'do something crazy for once and see what happens'. This ended up in me meeting a very nice, interesting person. She and I had a click almost instantly and due to school commitments we saw each other regularly. Of course things got more and more serious, with all that envelops, but we ended it before it became more than friends who spent time together and had 'fun'. This was because of her work situation, where she was pretty much across the country all week while I'm still stuck here for a (hopefully) small while. Both of us were mature enough to see this would lead to a lot of complications and probably someone feeling like they weren't getting all they needed. I was very surprised that I not only got to this conclusion but also was able to admit it to myself and not dip into another downward spiral.
It was of course a total bummer so I'm still pretty 'meh' about the whole thing, sad that I missed out on what could possibly have been something great. But that's also behind me now. So on to the real reason I've written this post! I had a nice distraction this week, hanging out with a friend I talk to fairly often, one of the ones mentioned above. It was a great day, filled with fun and laughs and distraction that I sorely needed. And her as well, I'm sure. The day after that was crap. On a stick. Not only had I not slept one bit due to excessive heat and mosquito's but also I had a double shift at work to look forward to. I guess I didn't bring enough water and that combined with the heat resulted in me coming home all messed up. I didn't eat all day and went about 2 days without food in total. I also was pretty grumpy at times for almost no reasons.
Me being me of course, it wouldn't be a reason to write anything if there wasn't something else. You see, my friend is a really good friend. And I feel pretty protective of her because we go way back and we've both seen a lot of each other. So after spending a whole week living up to this day, when it was over I had what I can compare to a sugarcrash. That ugh feeling you get when you drank too much Coke or Fanta or whatever and the sugar wears off. Too much excitement basically which is kinda sad if you think about it. It's lead me again to evaluate what I'm doing with my time, who I'm talking to and why and what I can do to change things up again.
Life hasn't been too kind to me still but I'm not ready to give up just yet even if it's the easiest thing to do almost every time I wake up and am slightly disappointed that I actually DID wake up. I am seeing someone for that though which has also been tremendously helpful! I think that without the combined might of therapy and online peoples to talk to I would not be sitting here to write in my blog again.
Sooooooo... what is next? 'Busy' weeks for one. Tomorrow I'm visiting my doctor at 8 for something I've been putting off a while which will probably result in minor surgery. After that I've promised (and pressured) myself into going to the gym again. Every day of the working week until vacation is over. I don't really care about being overweight that much anymore but I'm very annoyed some of my cooler shirts and pants don't quite fit anymore. Also, tearing myself down at the gym will help me get rid of some excess energy AND keep my mind off things AND provide a welcome distraction from boredom.
And who knows, I might start writing again regularly if things go well. Or not so well. Yes, I know I keep saying that every time.... That part of me still hasn't changed.
P.S. Appropriately fitting song time!
A lot has happened this past year, good and bad of course. Ever since I've become single again I've been struggling to find out who I am now. And to be honest I'm still not 100% sure. What I do know is that after moving past the heartbreak, the regret, the anger and much much sadness I've come to appreciate once more what it is to be by myself. That's also the reason I'm writing here but more on that later.
Flying solo has its advantages for sure. No one to tell you what to do, no one to steer you one way or the other. Perfect freedom to do whatever you want. Flipside of course being that everything you do has a little less meaning because you can't share it with someone else. Achievements and fun moments ring hollow when you look around and there's no one there to congratulate you or to say 'haha, yeah I saw that, that was hilarious'. Over time I've adjusted myself to this and I've come to accept that, because of who I am and what I do, I'm not really suited to be in that kind of environment.
Sure, I'm still GM of my own WoW guild and with that come certain responsibilities and expectations. You'll always find me ready to answer questions or participate in events and social gatherings.
But not since her have I felt that connection again. A while after it all sank in I realised I did some things that resulted in me not having many (online) friends left to talk to. I set out to rectify that but I've also been hesitant to. Not only to make sure I never end up in a situation like that ever again but also to protect myself when it comes to attachments.
There's probably about 2 or 3 people I regularly talk to about issues that go beyond 'hey nice weather eh, how about that football match'. While this is on purpose, it's also harmful in the long run.
Recently I've begun to go out more and expand my comfort zone beyond 'do something crazy for once and see what happens'. This ended up in me meeting a very nice, interesting person. She and I had a click almost instantly and due to school commitments we saw each other regularly. Of course things got more and more serious, with all that envelops, but we ended it before it became more than friends who spent time together and had 'fun'. This was because of her work situation, where she was pretty much across the country all week while I'm still stuck here for a (hopefully) small while. Both of us were mature enough to see this would lead to a lot of complications and probably someone feeling like they weren't getting all they needed. I was very surprised that I not only got to this conclusion but also was able to admit it to myself and not dip into another downward spiral.
It was of course a total bummer so I'm still pretty 'meh' about the whole thing, sad that I missed out on what could possibly have been something great. But that's also behind me now. So on to the real reason I've written this post! I had a nice distraction this week, hanging out with a friend I talk to fairly often, one of the ones mentioned above. It was a great day, filled with fun and laughs and distraction that I sorely needed. And her as well, I'm sure. The day after that was crap. On a stick. Not only had I not slept one bit due to excessive heat and mosquito's but also I had a double shift at work to look forward to. I guess I didn't bring enough water and that combined with the heat resulted in me coming home all messed up. I didn't eat all day and went about 2 days without food in total. I also was pretty grumpy at times for almost no reasons.
Me being me of course, it wouldn't be a reason to write anything if there wasn't something else. You see, my friend is a really good friend. And I feel pretty protective of her because we go way back and we've both seen a lot of each other. So after spending a whole week living up to this day, when it was over I had what I can compare to a sugarcrash. That ugh feeling you get when you drank too much Coke or Fanta or whatever and the sugar wears off. Too much excitement basically which is kinda sad if you think about it. It's lead me again to evaluate what I'm doing with my time, who I'm talking to and why and what I can do to change things up again.
Life hasn't been too kind to me still but I'm not ready to give up just yet even if it's the easiest thing to do almost every time I wake up and am slightly disappointed that I actually DID wake up. I am seeing someone for that though which has also been tremendously helpful! I think that without the combined might of therapy and online peoples to talk to I would not be sitting here to write in my blog again.
Sooooooo... what is next? 'Busy' weeks for one. Tomorrow I'm visiting my doctor at 8 for something I've been putting off a while which will probably result in minor surgery. After that I've promised (and pressured) myself into going to the gym again. Every day of the working week until vacation is over. I don't really care about being overweight that much anymore but I'm very annoyed some of my cooler shirts and pants don't quite fit anymore. Also, tearing myself down at the gym will help me get rid of some excess energy AND keep my mind off things AND provide a welcome distraction from boredom.
And who knows, I might start writing again regularly if things go well. Or not so well. Yes, I know I keep saying that every time.... That part of me still hasn't changed.
P.S. Appropriately fitting song time!
14 April 2015
.. But Times Change, And So Must I
I'm not there yet, but I know that when this is over I'll be a different person again. If you've seen Doctor Who (and you'd better have!) you can compare it to a regeneration. Still the same person in essence but with subtle changes. I will always remember who and what I was but I will also sail a new course, doing things slightly different and with a different attitude. Right now I'm still 'cooking' though and who knows what kind of leather jacket-wearing, fishfinger and custard-eating, French-murmeling guy I'll turn into!
But for now, I'm more echoing the 10th Doctor in his passing: 'I don't want to go..'
The going is still rough hrm. I don't eat much, I don't feel like doing much outside of keeping busy enough to not overthink, I don't sleep much either and when I wake up I'm still very tired. My mind keeps wandering to bad places, places filled with more pain and thoughts of all the things that might've been or still are. Lamenting all the feelings that've suddenly crept up from inside that should've done so a long time ago and maybe things would've been different..
But someone told me to not think of that anymore, that it doesn't help and that you can't change the past. And I cannot, I'm not a Time Lord after all and if I was my whole life would probably be timelocked anyways.
But for now, I'm more echoing the 10th Doctor in his passing: 'I don't want to go..'
The going is still rough hrm. I don't eat much, I don't feel like doing much outside of keeping busy enough to not overthink, I don't sleep much either and when I wake up I'm still very tired. My mind keeps wandering to bad places, places filled with more pain and thoughts of all the things that might've been or still are. Lamenting all the feelings that've suddenly crept up from inside that should've done so a long time ago and maybe things would've been different..
But someone told me to not think of that anymore, that it doesn't help and that you can't change the past. And I cannot, I'm not a Time Lord after all and if I was my whole life would probably be timelocked anyways.
13 April 2015
With a Song in My Heart
So after a few days of downer posts and raging, I feel like I'm having a pretty good day so far. Had a talk with a very good friend yesterday about.. a lot of things that made perfect sense. I guess I just needed to hear them said? Anyway, I thought that today I'd do something different! Below, you will find a handful of songs each dedicated to a single person. No names, just a description about what this song evokes in me.
Florence + The Machine - Shake It Out
For you, who's been a friend for a long time now. Proving everyone wrong who says you can't have friendship online. Thank you for inspiring me with ideals, thank you for being there whenever I need you even though I'm not an easy person when I am in need and thank you for trusting me enough to talk to me about your problems as well. Life ain't fair, but it's worth living
Fractured - Haunted Memories
For you, who was the second one to betray me in a most horrible way. We didn't share a long nor a happy time together but I will still remember you for what you did, good and bad. Thank you for opening my eyes to the truth of online relationships and their need to evolve beyond a screen. Thank you for showing me you can never really know someone, no matter how much you talk to them on a daily basis. Thank you for unwittingly preparing me for what I'm going through right now.
Jennifer Paige - Crush
For you, who was the first one to show me what real pain from love was. The first person I considered a girlfriend, the first person to put me aside like nothing and move on with the speed of light. Thank you for showing me that it's important to always be yourself, especially if you are sometimes someone else. Thank you for being the first to look at me in that certain way that says I can be more to someone than a friend. Thank you for my first kiss.
Huey and the News - the Power of Love
For you, who invited me into your home several times but ended up fading from my life. I still think of you regularly, regretting the way we parted. Thank you for showing me the best of times when I needed them. Thank you for encouraging me to travel however long I need to enjoy myself. Thank you for letting my inexperienced sense of sexuality explore you in ways I never had before up until the final step which I wasn't ready for at that time. Thank you for letting me introduce you to the awesomeness that is Back to the Future. Thank you for all the late nights spent on THF in Skype with the gang, expanding every horizon I had to this day.
Bruno Mars - The Way You Are
For you, who was with me for a long long time. I am still not over you and I am not sure I ever will. Maybe some part of me still hopes, against all odds. Another part of me has already given up on you and let you go because you seem to have done that already to me. Maybe some day I can be happy for your newfound love, but not today, not any time soon. Thank you for those amazing years. Thank you for being the person who taught me I can be loved, deserve to be loved for who I am with all my ups and downs, my flaws and excellencies. Thank you for being both my friend and lover up to just recently. Thank you for making me believe in true love even though it doesn't always end in sunshine and rainbows. Thank you for sharing so much with me: music, games, jokes, movies, lazy afternoons, days outside, strokes on my cheek, backrubs, resting yourself in my lap on the couch. Thank you.
Rihanna - S&M
For you, who taught me sexuality isn't something to hide or whisper about but to be proud of, to be spoken of and to be enjoyed. Thank you for showing me that women talking about sex has nothing to do with promiscuity but with being comfortable with themselves. Thank you for those late night conversations where you tricked me into saying good things about myself because I couldn't do it otherwise. Thank you for being the biggest tease I've ever known and still popping up in my dirty dreams every so often.
Florence + The Machine - Shake It Out
For you, who's been a friend for a long time now. Proving everyone wrong who says you can't have friendship online. Thank you for inspiring me with ideals, thank you for being there whenever I need you even though I'm not an easy person when I am in need and thank you for trusting me enough to talk to me about your problems as well. Life ain't fair, but it's worth living
Fractured - Haunted Memories
For you, who was the second one to betray me in a most horrible way. We didn't share a long nor a happy time together but I will still remember you for what you did, good and bad. Thank you for opening my eyes to the truth of online relationships and their need to evolve beyond a screen. Thank you for showing me you can never really know someone, no matter how much you talk to them on a daily basis. Thank you for unwittingly preparing me for what I'm going through right now.
Jennifer Paige - Crush
For you, who was the first one to show me what real pain from love was. The first person I considered a girlfriend, the first person to put me aside like nothing and move on with the speed of light. Thank you for showing me that it's important to always be yourself, especially if you are sometimes someone else. Thank you for being the first to look at me in that certain way that says I can be more to someone than a friend. Thank you for my first kiss.
Huey and the News - the Power of Love
For you, who invited me into your home several times but ended up fading from my life. I still think of you regularly, regretting the way we parted. Thank you for showing me the best of times when I needed them. Thank you for encouraging me to travel however long I need to enjoy myself. Thank you for letting my inexperienced sense of sexuality explore you in ways I never had before up until the final step which I wasn't ready for at that time. Thank you for letting me introduce you to the awesomeness that is Back to the Future. Thank you for all the late nights spent on THF in Skype with the gang, expanding every horizon I had to this day.
Bruno Mars - The Way You Are
For you, who was with me for a long long time. I am still not over you and I am not sure I ever will. Maybe some part of me still hopes, against all odds. Another part of me has already given up on you and let you go because you seem to have done that already to me. Maybe some day I can be happy for your newfound love, but not today, not any time soon. Thank you for those amazing years. Thank you for being the person who taught me I can be loved, deserve to be loved for who I am with all my ups and downs, my flaws and excellencies. Thank you for being both my friend and lover up to just recently. Thank you for making me believe in true love even though it doesn't always end in sunshine and rainbows. Thank you for sharing so much with me: music, games, jokes, movies, lazy afternoons, days outside, strokes on my cheek, backrubs, resting yourself in my lap on the couch. Thank you.
Rihanna - S&M
For you, who taught me sexuality isn't something to hide or whisper about but to be proud of, to be spoken of and to be enjoyed. Thank you for showing me that women talking about sex has nothing to do with promiscuity but with being comfortable with themselves. Thank you for those late night conversations where you tricked me into saying good things about myself because I couldn't do it otherwise. Thank you for being the biggest tease I've ever known and still popping up in my dirty dreams every so often.
12 April 2015
Righteous Anger
Today is filled with anger. Anger at him, anger at her. Anger at myself, anger at everyone around me. Anger at simple objects and anger and everything untouchable.
I've decided to go back to the gym tomorrow and from that day one, every day until the day I need to start my internship. I'm tired of hardly fitting in my pants anymore. Tired of being out of shape, fat even. I used to be in decent shape, when I was still outgoing and active and I didn't sit in front of the computer all day eating shit. I want to be in that kinda shape again, full of energy and happy with my looks. Or at least that part of my looks I have control over. I've long since made peace with the fact my eyesight is shit and, like the rest of the men in my family, I'm balding. At least I look decent with a close shave on top.
One thing I have to be happy about is something insanely stupid: for the first time in about 2 weeks I got a random hard-on. I guess at least some part of my body is happy that it still works. Great source of stress relief as well you know.
This coming week I'll also start putting in more hours at work. Both to occupy my mind and time and to make some money. I could really use more money for all the things I want to do without having to worry about potential horribleness. It'll feel good to see the cash flow in the green again, to build a little buffer for when times get bad financially. I'm also planning to hit a sushibar with my 2 closest-by best friends. Which is a miracle in itself because one of them never ever joins the other and I for our little adventures. I guess they're both really really interested in hearing my story of what happened the past few weeks. Nothing like a bottle of hot sake and a plate of salmon nigiri to discuss matters.
Oh and all hail peppermint tea, the only beverage I seem to hold down at the moment.
I've decided to go back to the gym tomorrow and from that day one, every day until the day I need to start my internship. I'm tired of hardly fitting in my pants anymore. Tired of being out of shape, fat even. I used to be in decent shape, when I was still outgoing and active and I didn't sit in front of the computer all day eating shit. I want to be in that kinda shape again, full of energy and happy with my looks. Or at least that part of my looks I have control over. I've long since made peace with the fact my eyesight is shit and, like the rest of the men in my family, I'm balding. At least I look decent with a close shave on top.
One thing I have to be happy about is something insanely stupid: for the first time in about 2 weeks I got a random hard-on. I guess at least some part of my body is happy that it still works. Great source of stress relief as well you know.
This coming week I'll also start putting in more hours at work. Both to occupy my mind and time and to make some money. I could really use more money for all the things I want to do without having to worry about potential horribleness. It'll feel good to see the cash flow in the green again, to build a little buffer for when times get bad financially. I'm also planning to hit a sushibar with my 2 closest-by best friends. Which is a miracle in itself because one of them never ever joins the other and I for our little adventures. I guess they're both really really interested in hearing my story of what happened the past few weeks. Nothing like a bottle of hot sake and a plate of salmon nigiri to discuss matters.
Oh and all hail peppermint tea, the only beverage I seem to hold down at the moment.
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