I only come here when I'm down

It's been over a year since I posted, oh how time flies! As the title says, I only come to my 'blog' when I feel like I need to get stuff off my chest that no one else will take. At least I think that's how it works.

A lot has happened this past year, good and bad of course. Ever since I've become single again I've been struggling to find out who I am now. And to be honest I'm still not 100% sure. What I do know is that after moving past the heartbreak, the regret, the anger and much much sadness I've come to appreciate once more what it is to be by myself. That's also the reason I'm writing here but more on that later.

Flying solo has its advantages for sure. No one to tell you what to do, no one to steer you one way or the other. Perfect freedom to do whatever you want. Flipside of course being that everything you do has a little less meaning because you can't share it with someone else. Achievements and fun moments ring hollow when you look around and there's no one there to congratulate you or to say 'haha, yeah I saw that, that was hilarious'. Over time I've adjusted myself to this and I've come to accept that, because of who I am and what I do, I'm not really suited to be in that kind of environment.
Sure, I'm still GM of my own WoW guild and with that come certain responsibilities and expectations. You'll always find me ready to answer questions or participate in events and social gatherings.

But not since her have I felt that connection again. A while after it all sank in I realised I did some things that resulted in me not having many (online) friends left to talk to. I set out to rectify that but I've also been hesitant to. Not only to make sure I never end up in a situation like that ever again but also to protect myself when it comes to attachments.
There's probably about 2 or 3 people I regularly talk to about issues that go beyond 'hey nice weather eh, how about that football match'. While this is on purpose, it's also harmful in the long run.

Recently I've begun to go out more and expand my comfort zone beyond 'do something crazy for once and see what happens'. This ended up in me meeting a very nice, interesting person. She and I had a click almost instantly and due to school commitments we saw each other regularly. Of course things got more and more serious, with all that envelops, but we ended it before it became more than friends who spent time together and had 'fun'. This was because of her work situation, where she was pretty much across the country all week while I'm still stuck here for a (hopefully) small while. Both of us were mature enough to see this would lead to a lot of complications and probably someone feeling like they weren't getting all they needed. I was very surprised that I not only got to this conclusion but also was able to admit it to myself and not dip into another downward spiral.

It was of course a total bummer so I'm still pretty 'meh' about the whole thing, sad that I missed out on what could possibly have been something great. But that's also behind me now. So on to the real reason I've written this post! I had a nice distraction this week, hanging out with a friend I talk to fairly often, one of the ones mentioned above. It was a great day, filled with fun and laughs and distraction that I sorely needed. And her as well, I'm sure. The day after that was crap. On a stick. Not only had I not slept one bit due to excessive heat and mosquito's but also I had a double shift at work to look forward to. I guess I didn't bring enough water and that combined with the heat resulted in me coming home all messed up. I didn't eat all day and went about 2 days without food in total. I also was pretty grumpy at times for almost no reasons.

Me being me of course, it wouldn't be a reason to write anything if there wasn't something else. You see, my friend is a really good friend. And I feel pretty protective of her because we go way back and we've both seen a lot of each other. So after spending a whole week living up to this day, when it was over I had what I can compare to a sugarcrash. That ugh feeling you get when you drank too much Coke or Fanta or whatever and the sugar wears off. Too much excitement basically which is kinda sad if you think about it. It's lead me again to evaluate what I'm doing with my time, who I'm talking to and why and what I can do to change things up again.

Life hasn't been too kind to me still but I'm not ready to give up just yet even if it's the easiest thing to do almost every time I wake up and am slightly disappointed that I actually DID wake up. I am seeing someone for that though which has also been tremendously helpful! I think that without the combined might of therapy and online peoples to talk to I would not be sitting here to write in my blog again.

Sooooooo... what is next? 'Busy' weeks for one. Tomorrow I'm visiting my doctor at 8 for something I've been putting off a while which will probably result in minor surgery. After that I've promised (and pressured) myself into going to the gym again. Every day of the working week until vacation is over. I don't really care about being overweight that much anymore but I'm very annoyed some of my cooler shirts and pants don't quite fit anymore. Also, tearing myself down at the gym will help me get rid of some excess energy AND keep my mind off things AND provide a welcome distraction from boredom.

And who knows, I might start writing again regularly if things go well. Or not so well. Yes, I know I keep saying that every time.... That part of me still hasn't changed.

P.S. Appropriately fitting song time!