Reflection doesn't only happen in mirrors and lakes

No intro needed, just get your coffee-mugs ready and keep your Red Bull's chilled! It's gonna be a long and bumpy ride!


The Seven Deadly Sins
and
The Seven Holy Virtues
2010


The 7 Deadly Sins and their counterparts, the 7 Holy Virtues have been around for ages, longer than I care to remember or recite here. The fact is that they still remain today as a sort of standard to which one’s life is measured, to determine one’s good and bad sides.
No longer are they solely tied to the church or religion, their meanings mostly simplified and adapted to the modern Western lifestyle.

One year ago, someone dear to me asked me a series of questions, told me a series of stories and shared with me a series of thoughts that changed my life forever. At the end of all that, she asked me to make this list of the 7 Virtues and Sins and to apply them to how I perceived myself or thought myself perceived. I completed that ‘assignment’ and posted it as the premiere of my new blog.
One year ago, I could not see how much my life had changed and certainly not how much further this change would continue into the future. If you had told me then, all the things that have happened this year, all the things I have seen and done, I would have laughed in your face and called you insane....
One year ago, I started something, something I will continue today. As a record of my perpetual growth, or maybe my eternal stagnation, I give you this follow up. My take on myself as I am at this point in time.


Lust/Chastity
‘Lust is usually thought of as excessive thoughts or desires of a sexual nature’
‘Giving in to lusts can lead to sexual or sociological compulsions and/or transgressions including (but not limited to) sexual addiction, fornication, adultery, bestiality, rape, perversion, and incest’

‘Chastity is sexual behaviour of a man or woman acceptable to the ethical norms and guidelines of a culture, civilization, or religion’
‘In the western world, the term has become closely associated with sexual abstinence, especially before marriage. However, the term remains applicable to persons in all states, single or married, clerical or lay, and has implications beyond sexual temperance’

I am a man. Men think about sex, a lot. This has been proven by various studies over the years and I have yet to find any man that stands up to this so-called stereotype. Men are not alone in their thinking, I give you that. Women too indulge in similar thoughts, they are usually just not as open or forward about it.

I like to think about sex, eroticism, nudity and the likes. I have never made a secret of it, not to anyone. On the other side of that coin, I also think a lot about the ‘softer’ sides of Lust. Namely romance, intimacy, sexual respect and the emotional connection that comes with the previously mentioned engagements.
I think I have surprise some people the past 6 months or so with my thoughts and perceptions about said subject. Many do not take me for the romantic type. I blatantly mock sexuality, joke around online about it and hide nothing from my own personal life concerning sex or sexuality.

Why? Because I lack it. I lack it in all the finer ways that I summed up above. I can easily get my kicks from porn or fantasies, just like everyone else. But the aspects I value most, the bodily contact, the closeness of being with someone, be they a really good friend or a lover, those aspects I still miss in my life.
Nothing I have said or done this past year has changed my need for these basic things, nor the fact that I still have not attained them.

I have found love this year, multiple times. How deep and how significant these were, I cannot tell yet beyond speculation and wishful thinking. I do however know that I have found someone that fills me on a spiritual level as well as on a physical one. Someone that gives me before unknown feelings of completeness, compassion and care.
Due to circumstances we have not been together. Yet. This is where the wishful thinking comes in since I cannot for certain say when this will happen.
The old, more pessimistic, me would have added an ‘if’ to that last sentence, but the ‘new me’ will not. For once, I have hope and good faith that we will meet. And without putting too much pressure on it beforehand, I believe it will be as amazing as we both imagine it.

All that said, because I am human after all, I still indulge in sexual gratification at the rate and severity I have before. Same thing, same results, so to say. If anyone blames me for wanting to do that, be my guest. It would be like denying your own primal urges.


Gluttony/Temperance
‘Gluttony is the over-indulgence and over-consumption of anything to the point of waste’
‘It is considered a sin because of the excessive desire for food, or its withholding from the needy’

‘Temperance is constant mindfulness of others and one's surroundings; practicing self-control, abstention, and moderation’

Moderation, my old friend. By chance and by necessity I am driven to it. I cannot afford frequent or extravagant indulging in the physical matter by sheer lack of monetary resources. In simpler words: I’m nearly broke, my family is nearly broke and have been for a while now.
That said, because of the money I earned this year by working, part of which has gone towards my school fund, I have ‘indulged’ for the first time in the luxury of travel.

Having never stepped foot outside of my known world before September 2009, that being the larger part of the Netherlands and the tip of Belgium, impulses suddenly took over and by right of the free spirit I made several giant leaps into the unknown.
Not all of them worked out as great or as I had planned but they were never without positive effect. Many new friends I have gained through it, many unforgettable experiences and I would do it all again if I could, even considering the pain some have brought.

A small list of things: My first kiss, my first plane trip, my first döner kebab, my first visit to a non-Benelux country, my first tequila shots, my first proper guild meeting.

All those things because a year and two months ago, someone crazy and lovable said ‘come to my place for 10 days, don’t care that it’s 2 countries over and 2 hours flying away’ and a voice in my head said ‘do it, do it now or forever regret it and the dull life you will live’.
Thus it happened, that same week I hopped a plane to Poland and I never had any regrets (thank you Elwira). After that bold expedition I explored more of Belgium (thank you Michelle), the Netherlands (thank you Purdey) and more of Germany (thank you Christopher, thank you Jak and thank you Emilia). Soon I hope to add Britain (thank you Sophie, thank you Darren and thank you Owan) and Finland (thank you Sofia), perhaps even Norway and Sweden.

Still, indulgence is indulgence, even if it only brought positive change to my life. Temperance is thusly in order and not only in the monetary sense.

More and more I have found myself in situations where I stepped away from a situation, analysed it and where I came to the conclusion that I had to ‘take it more slowly’. I can be a lot of me sometimes. That can be a good thing, I like to give people my full attention, tell them about myself and my dealings with fiery passion, get into someone so much that they get every waking second of me. That is also where it becomes a bad thing. Tunnel vision, overexertion, clinginess and smothering can ensue. Things that have broken more than can ever be mended again.
Only ongoing work, perseverance and restraint can fix that, for I still suffer from this need to be recognised, to be acknowledged, to be loved like I love someone back.

As for the dietary part of Gluttony, I’ve maintained my weight goal of just below 80kgs without fail. Though I can and certainly wish to shed a few kilograms more, I think losing 40kgs/90lbs was a feat on it’s own, one that I to this day still don’t fully realise. My need for ‘comfort food’ and midnight snacks has all but disappeared which counterbalances the fact I gave up going to the gym twice a week.
I feel no need to gain more muscles than I already have and only Temperance can prevent me from gaining all that weight back again and maybe even make me lose a bit more if needed.


Greed/Charity
‘Greed is, like lust and gluttony, a sin of excess. However, greed is applied to the acquisition of wealth in particular’

‘Charity equals generosity, willingness to give, a nobility of thought or actions’

Wealth, even though I do not have and do not really need it, still remains a powerful stimulant in the background of some of my actions.

Going back to school for example was not only a decision made for the betterment of myself in the field of knowledge and social engagements. I was also one made for monetary reasons. The debt I have collected the past 5 years due to a failed education will be absolved if I manage to successfully graduate from the college I have joined this year.
Management, Economics and, most of all, Law, are my new goals the upcoming 4 years. Specialising to become an (international) judicial advisor is my aim, for I found out that I really like law and laws and that I can handle them fairly easy and fairly well.

The trips I make and plan to make cost money as well. For that purpose I want to ‘acquire’ more wealth as well.
Other than that, I still do not have much more need for luxury beyond what I already have. A computer, a TV and a phone are all that I require to live the quality of life that I desire. A car and a place to myself are next on the list but they are not so much luxuries as modern-day requirements for Western life. With my 24 years I am already considered as ‘running behind’ for still living at home, beginning college and not having a driver’s licence yet.

Charity in money is still not a big thing for me, seeing as I need all the cash I have for myself. Sure, I care about others that have it tougher than me but I still cannot reasonably convince myself that donating any of my own money will improve their situation more than it will worsen mine.
I do however still strive to give all that I can, and perhaps more than I can and should, emotionally as support or love and care.


Sloth/Diligence
‘Sloth is the failure to utilize one's talents and gifts’
‘Spiritual or emotional apathy, being physically and emotionally inactive’
‘Laziness and indifference’
‘Wasting due to lack of use, expanding into almost any person, place, thing, skills, or intangible ideal that would require maintenance, refinement, or support to continue to exist’

‘Diligence is a zealous and careful nature in one's actions and work. Decisive work ethic. Budgeting one's time; monitoring one's own activities to guard against laziness’

‘Rather be lazy than tired’ is what people that don’t know me very well sometimes say about me. In truth, some of that may be true. I do what it takes to get the job done, whatever it may be, and then call it a day.
But not because of indifference, but because I think I have better things to do with my limited time and energy. Not once have I forsaken a task that needed to be done because I would rather sleep or relax. When needed, asked or not, I have given it 110% because it was needed.

Despite all that, I remain a sloth in the sense that I enjoy my downtime, my sleep, my relaxation. I truly appreciate that rare bubble bath, that family dinner, that holiday or that day off where I can stay in bed until late in the afternoon. Nothing makes me happier than to be curled up beneath my blankets in deep, peaceful sleep, dreaming of better things.
Nothing gives me more joy than to sit down at a table with my family, in a relaxing atmosphere and sharing a meal or dinner.

But when work has to be done, I am ready for it. I have ‘worked’ worked. Physical labour, manual labour, repetitive labour. I have done it and although I may have resented its nature, I have not once complained. It had to be done, for various reasons, be they money, grades, respect or duty. And I would do it again, and again, if needed.


Wrath/Patience
‘Wrath is inordinate and uncontrolled feelings of hatred and anger’
‘Denial of the truth, both to others and in the form of self-denial, impatience with the procedure of law, the desire to seek revenge outside of the workings of the justice system and generally wishing to do evil or harm to others’

‘Patience is forbearance and endurance through moderation. Resolving conflicts peacefully, as opposed to resorting to violence. The ability to forgive; to show mercy’

Violence is not my thing, outside the stylings of virtual combat. Once in my life have I raised my fist to someone and I was made to regret it dearly (and so was he). The feeling that trigger physical response, however, remain. I am not trained in the arts of remaining calm at all costs. I too explode with anger sometimes, although rarely. This usually results in verbal measures. Cursing, swearing or general auditory bombardment with strong language and rage.

Most of the time I appear and remain calm. I am not easily angered or provoked into an angry response. Finding solutions to problems or avoiding them altogether are the methods I prefer to use. This quality has gotten me into difficult situations as well. My need for peaceful resolve instead of a direct and harsh approach aren’t always well perceived, nor appreciated by everyone. But even in those situations, I stand by my decisions, because they are mine and I will accept all consequences. Good or bad.


Envy/Kindness
‘Those who commit the sin of envy resent that another person has something they perceive themselves as lacking, and wish the other person to be deprived of it’
‘Sorrow for another’s good’

‘Kindness equals compassion, friendship, and empathy without prejudice and for its own sake’

Envy, or as continue to call it: Jealousy, is still my worst attribute to this day. It makes me such a different person sometimes, makes me say things I don’t mean and regret later, makes me take actions that are illogical, untruthful and hurtful.
Even though I resolved to take care of this issue when I identified it in my previous entry, not much has changed on this front. Partly because it is a hard thing to change, something based on trust that I have a hard time giving and partly because I have no reason yet to change it.

Though I can name many instances where my envy has led me to wrongdoings, they are still important lessons I learned, without which I would not be the man I am today.
But now that I consider myself to be in a relationship, this negative aspect of me, coupled with an ‘outside’ source of influence, has me sometimes crawling on the floor in despair. Issues with trust are incredibly hard to take away. Trust has to be earned and given equally. Yet my perception of trust is damaged and warped because of dealings in the past. I don’t give it out that easily and I do not accept it easily either.
The following conflicting emotions of jealousy and mistrust versus love, understanding and trust lead me to have severe anxiety attacks and episodes of paranoia and anger that are always, without fail, misdirected at friends, loved ones and myself.

Somehow, I need to change. Or, more accurately, someone needs to change me. Someone that can prove trust is still something I am capable of. Both on the receiving and the giving ends. Maybe I have already found that someone, time will tell. For now, it does seem this downside of me is tempered somewhat. Both by more rationalisation and by the earning of trust by that person.

My friends still, and always will, mean the world to me. As I have stated numerous times before: I would take a bullet for them, travel to the ends of the earth and back and even descend into hell and beyond to be there for them. To support them, embrace them and love them. If you are my friend, I would die for you.
This past year I have gained many friends. More so than in all the years before. Mostly because of my more open attitude towards life and the living, but also because of my ongoing struggle to be myself more. Though that is not yet a battle certainly won.
Some friends I have lost this year, though not many and most of them not permanently either, in my eyes. I have made mistakes, I owned up to them in most cases and I learned lessons from them.


Pride/Humility
‘Pride is a desire to be more important or attractive than others, failing to acknowledge the good work of others, and excessive love of self’
‘Love of self, perverted to hatred and contempt for one's neighbour’

‘Humility consists of modest behaviour, selflessness, and the giving of respect. Giving credit where credit is due; not unfairly glorifying one's own self’

Pride comes before the fall, but I have not yet fallen. I also don’t plan on doing that anytime soon. I take personal pride in the things I do, the feats I accomplish and the tasks I complete. I pat myself on the shoulder, doubly if no one else does it for me.
I do not seek glorification or idolisation but I do have a craving for recognition and the occasional pat on the back or ‘job well done’.
At school this is easily achieved. Good grades, an immaculate report or a well-prepared presentation are not hard to grade and gratification comes through that and the acknowledgement of my peers and elders.

At home, or more specifically in my personal life, this is not as easy. My parents are caring, loving people but I feel that they do not feel comfortable or perhaps lost in the ways of showing that they are proud of me or sometimes even care. I have to fish for compliments or that kind, supporting word. Even though I don’t want to have to do that, I still yearn for it.

On a deeper, emotional level, I want this even more. That feeling that you are loved, protected, cared for, is not easily gotten. Only specific persons can give that kind of feeling and they are rare finds in a lifetime. Once such a person appears, it is all the more important to receive these things from them, even when (or actually, especially when) they are not asked for, but simply given automatically.
Again that need for a deeper emotional connection comes up as the supporting line in this essay. One can say that it is all I want, though that would slightly short-sighted. It is definitely something that is lacking or has been lacking from my life up to this point and something I wish for more than anything in the world.

Love of self is a different issue altogether. Not in the overindulging kind of way, but the introspective meaning of the saying.
Several times in this essay have I reflected back upon this past year and the growth it has brought me. Getting to know myself better, understanding myself deeper and loving myself ever so slightly more are among the changes that have taken place. I still don’t have a very positive image of myself. I still bring myself down unnessecarily and worry about trivial aspects of my appearance and behaviour.

Yet I have made progress on this subject. I have all but done away with my aversion to compliments. I have finally discovered qualities of myself that I never held possible I had, even though people have been telling me for ages that I did. This has made me more open to accepting the views people give me of myself when asked or not asked for it. I see positive aspects of myself more clearly now and I embrace them. Perhaps there are some things I am inherently good at after all.


This bring me to the end of my reflection, again. I have purposely not read the old essay I wrote all those months ago so it would not have an effect on the things I would write down underneath the 7 headers. It is up to you readers now to judge whether the changes I have made are for the better or worse, or if they were any changes in me at all. Not all of you have known me long enough to be able to judge thusly, so you may take this wall of text as you first real introduction to me.
Those of you who remember me from more than a year ago and have perhaps even read my previous reflection are free to contact me whenever about anything you feel like discussing from all of the above.
Questions, remarks, comments, send them my way. I value your opinions greatly. Even though I wrote this mostly for myself, it does help in giving you all a better view of me, who I am and why I sometimes do the things I do. So therefore, if you have made it all the way down this incredibly long post, I commend you and, most of all, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Regards,


Robin

P.S. Special thanks of course to you, I can't even begin to say what you've meant and still mean to me!

Whatever we are, we are together

I think we kinda agreed on it last night, no matter how we feel, where we are, who we were or how we look, we're 'we'.

And that fact alone can make me wake up after 3 hours of sleep and feel rejuvenated. It can make a bad day good, a dark night comfortable. The thought of being with you, rain in the background and crackling fireplace before us while Godot's Theme plays gives me a feeling I've never felt before: deep, unconditional love.

I know about you, though not nearly enough as I'd like, but enough to be able to make decisions. I have seen you, though not nearly as long as I'd like, but enough to be able to say you are more gorgeous than my wildest dreams.

You say about yourself that sometimes you are withdrawn, quiet and taken in by other things: I know that as well but I disagree on the parts where you think this is a bad thing.

I trust you in every way possible, I share with you my flaws and fears. I wave your flaws aside and try to take away your fears because you're you and for all that has been said and done:

I LOVE YOU

Even though I know it's only chemical....

...these peaks and valleys are beginning to take their toll.

The first line of the song that perfectly describes my life. For over 5 years now, I've been listening to it on and off. Mostly when the 'valleys' hit me like trucks. So I've not told a lot of people but...there is indeed something chemically wrong with me so as to cause these fluctuations. They hit whenever, unexpected and hard, sometimes one after another.

The extreme high, the lowest low. Mr. BPD as I like to call it, comes 'a knocking frequently and at the least opportune moments.

Insecurity, doubt, fear, anxiety, pride, jealousy, withdrawn behavior, they are all part of it.

Maybe saying no to medication was a mistake after all....

Coming soon, to a blawg near you!

Essay..PART DEUX! That's right, I've been blogging for nearly a year now and in retrospect, this has been the most exciting year in my life since....I was born! So I will be revisiting my former 'masterpiece' to update it with a year's worth of pain, suffering, happiness and joy!

Sav.

P.S. If you haven't read it yet, check Nov '09 ;)

Short scribbly

Sitting here at school, thinking about stuff. Mostly you....things running through my head: doubts, hopes, pictures, stories.

I wish I could tell you everything I want to, but I'm afraid. Afraid you might think I'm pushy, that I'm demanding; and I just don't want to lose you, because I like you. But you probably already figured that.

I'm not really sure what to do now, do I do it my way and risk it all or do I let things run it's course and see where it ends? Only one person has the answer to that and that's you. Then again, you probably won't even read this.

Had 3 hours of sleep last night and had to be up at 6, my mind's slightly cloudy but nevertheless pretty clear on some things: fighting spirit and zeal! Too many times have I backed out, given up, walked away and hung my head. I don't want to anymore, I cannot anymore. Fight for you is what I'll do, to my dying breath.

Why? Because you're worth it and ... because I'm worth it too.


Sav.

Disappointment is my middle name

I bring it, I feel it, I hear it and I see it. One of the worst things in the world is to get your hopes up and having them crushed or trampled upon.

Yet every time we do it again, and again, and again. Why? Because we need something to hold on to, to think that there's something to live for. What is life worth if there is no hope? Not much I'd say...

Sometimes I think I try too hard, that I want it too much. Or is there no such thing and am I not to blame but the person on the other side?

I think that, in the end, hope is what keeps us going, so to give up hope and to throw it away would be foolish, even more foolish than to have hopes in the first place.

And do we not all hope for the best, even though we can't expect any of it to ever turn real?

'Heart'

(Return of) the Light

The light, the light
It used to shine so bright
Then it dimmed and faded
Disappeared into the night

Once so warm and soothing
Like a tight embrace
The sun, the moon, your gleaming eyes
They gazed onto my face

One day I woke in darkness
The light had slipped away
No longer held in comfort
Night fell upon the day

Cold and lonely were the hallways
In which I roamed for many weeks
Searching for your lost smile
Your rosy, blushing cheeks

Your darkened hair, your subtle skin
The words you spoke so true
Made me want to find the light again
For the light was surely you

My eyes grew used to blackness
Solitude became my soul
Forever doomed to loneliness
Always distant, never whole

Suddenly, a ray of shining sun
Made it so that I could see
A familiar figure in the doorway:
She had returned to me

Slowly I am now waking
Rekindling my will to fight
To protect what truly matters:
Only you....my light....