Stubborn and Old

Myeah, it's been a while since I wrote something here... couple of months? For several reasons actually. One is that I don't think anyone actually reads this and the other being I only feel like writing when I got something to complain about.

I guess I don't really care about #1 and #2 is just what I do. I don't know why but complaining is in my blood. A Dutch thing perhaps? We are kinda known for complaining about anything, just so we can say something got a bit better at some point. Sometimes, things are good as they are though.

Lately I find myself hrm.. how to put it... happy with how things are. Could be better (see, complaining again) since nothing is optimal but it's getting there. School is going well, passed 6/7 so far without much trouble and my classmates think I'm worth hanging around with. That's always a good sign things are okay.

The biggest thing in my life is still that special someone I met, well over a year ago now. Time flies but not fast enough. I want to be there, with her. It makes things so much easier and better if I was. Now, more than ever, I feel the need to leave this place. Not just my home and family but my country.

Don't get me wrong, I'm proud to be Dutch and I'll always be a southerner but it seems things are going downhill. Maybe I watch too much news, maybe I'm seeing things in black and white but I'm starting to dislike living in the Netherlands more and more. Sure, it's a nice country on the outside with the cows and the fields and the tasty sauces but I can't help but feel it's slowly rotting from the inside.

The government is doing all sorts of crazy shit like blocking internet sites and pushing through laws that the people don't want at all. The biggest screamers win the votes, even though all they're screaming is empty and hollow. Streets are getting more and more unsafe, crimes go unpunished or barely punished at all (3 years for murder, REALLY?!). Feels like we're not the cozy country we used to be anymore. Or maybe I'm getting old(er).

Family is all fucked up. I think I told y'all (who? haha) about my big family once, 11 uncles and aunts on my dad's side. Since my grandma passed away and left the house and other possessions to be split equally among the 12 children, things have gone south. People trying to literally destroy each other over some goddamn cash. Why deny your own brother or sister the part that they're entitled to? Why make it so hard on yourself just to spite another? I don't get it and I hope I never do, because for all the silly things we do I still fucking love my sisters. And my parents too for that matter. I want the family from 10 years ago back, when we celebrated birthdays and anniversaries with 150 people in a cafe-partyroom and chugged a beer to some funny acts and got to socialize with family members you usually didn't get to see that often.

Don't think this'll ever clear up though, things have gone too far to be forgiven. When I find myself thinking, when delivering my Saturday mail, how nice it would be to just burn the things I have to deliver to my asshole uncle who lives down the street I need a reality-check... the hell happened that made me think that about people I used to like? We all choose sides and there's no switching, it's do or die, till the bitter end. Of course I'm behind my dad, no matter what his side is. I don't even know what is his side it and it doesn't matter.

I lost track of what I wanted to type xD Ah yes..weight >.>

Lately, or rather the past year and a half or so, I've been putting on weight like a walrus in a cake shop. Getting lazy, not cycling to school anymore, not going to the gym anymore, eating after midnight, eating too much in one go, eating too fat, etcetera etcetera. It's gotten to the point where I'm having constant stomach aches and I can't tell if it's from genuine appetite, a soar of some kind or from overeating. Stomach acid perhaps... Whatever the case, it's really really bad but I can't seem to get myself to that mental point where I say 'stop, tis enough now'. That point needs to come soon or I will literally have no more clothes to put on that actually fit and I'll do some kind of irreparable damage to my body.
I eat out of boredom mostly and because it's easy. There's always something I can eat and my parents don't really say anything about it. I just wonder when it's actually enough hrm, I can't show myself like this and it's not very attractive either.

Well, enough rambling for one post. Maybe more some other time, if I feel like it. If only to satisfy my need to put stuff on paper regardless of anyone reading it or finding it helpful/funny/entertaining/insightful.


Sav out.

You are hereby honorably discharged from active duty!

Before I go into my main topic of conversation today, I need to tell y'all a bit about something else first.

As you all know (yes, I know for certain you do *peers*), I recently returned from my trip to lovely Sweden where I spent 8 heavenly days with the love of my life. Of course, 8 days wasn't nearly enough.... Because of work, I had to leave her behind far earlier than either of us had wanted. On the bright side, we'll be together again in a few weeks when we go on holiday! Sweden is awesome by the way, I can't wait to go back again and explore the landscape some more with my sweet. Being away from her is slightly depressing but at least I get to see her every day and just seeing what she types or hearing her voice over Skype lights up my day.

On to the other topic; in a few months time, one of my more prized earthly possessions is turning 7! That's a number you don't come across often anymore these days, especially when it concerns appliances. Maybe for good reason as well.
I'm talking about my formerly amazing supercomputer, the Dell Dimension 8400. The first computer I ever owned myself and only the second one in this household (yeah, we got into this whole new fad around 2002). I worked hard for it, I held a job for the good part of a year to afford it and I happily splurged in the neighborhood of 1k to have it assembled and sent to me.

Fully customized, at least as far a Dell goes, with all the stuff 'I' wanted on it, all for myself. It has a staggering 1gb RAM and 150gb hard-disk in it :O And, brace yourselves, an actual functioning floppy-disk drive! Yes, very impressive, well...7 years ago at least. I added a bit more RAM inbetween but in the past few months it's started to show it's age.

Randomly crashing programs, not being able to have several high-demand programs open, start-up issues, etc. Don't get me wrong, in these 7 years it has only ever actually crashed once and that was my own fault as well. Dell desktops are as reliable as they come. And I don't need to mention the fact I have avoided the whole Windows Vista thing by only having the incredibly stable Windows XP available at the time.

But now it's time to start saying goodbye to my trusty machine. It's seen an amazingly long run and it'll be retired with the dignity it deserves very shortly, to be replaced by a certifiable monster desktop (flat-screen omg omg!).
Especially after experiencing computer awesomeness in the form of playing on my beloved's PC, I came to realize I can't put it off much longer. I'm backing up all my important files on the external hard-drive I got a while back and making sure I'm fully prepared to switch. It'll be tough, getting to know the ins and outs of my plaything all over again, but I'm sure it'll serve me as well as this one has.

So, farewell my old friend. I've known you longer than most people around me today but you will never be forgotten!


Dell Dimension 8400, April 2005 - February 2012

Midnight Philosophies and Thoughts Unending

'You think too much' is what I hear all too often from my friends and loved ones. A strange thing to say in a way, how is thinking bad? Over-thinking, perhaps, though I'm pretty sure that's what they mean by it anyways. I'd like to share one of these 'over-thoughts' with you for the sole reason that I'd like to write one down for a change.

I saw a movie today, with my best friend Tim, called 'Into the Wild'. Without going too deep into this 143 minute movie, I'll give you a broad overview of the story.

Guy is 'unhappy' with his life. He graduated from college because his parents and society expect it from him, he seem normal on the outside but he's not due to things from his past and his family life. He decides to leave. Not just his home but everything. He become a tramp, a drifter. His final goal is to arrive in Alaska, in the wild, to be alone and think about all the philosophical things he read in his books during his tween life.
On the way, he meets different kinds of people, some teach him things, some he teaches things. An aging hippie couple that lost their son, a teenage girl with a brain but no future, an elderly man that has given up hope, a scamming but goodhearted farmer, a Danish couple on a road trip. They all experience truly happy moments with the guy but he leaves them to head to his final goal.

Once there, he lives in the wild for some months, his journey haven taken him away from home for almost 2 years now. He tries to live off the wild and marginally succeeds and the tranquility gives him the peace he wants. On his last day, on earth it turns out, he discovers he's been living off of a poisonous root for some weeks which eventually gives him delusions and having weakened and starved him to the extent he can't go for help anymore. Moments before he takes his final breath, he laments his 'happiness', having found out through his journey that "happiness isn't real unless it's shared".

Food for thought you might say... And so it is for me. What is happiness, why do people have it and need it. Tying into that age old question 'why are we here' or more specifically, why am I here...

In the 10 minutes it took me ride home from my friend on my bike, this is what I figured:

Am I here to make myself happy? That can't be it. If my only purpose was to make myself happy, than I am a sort of contradiction. If I live to make only myself happy, than me not living wouldn't make a difference. Because, if I don't live, I don't have to make myself happy so there's no reason for me to live. So that can't be it.

Am I here then, to make someone else happy? That would mean the only reason for living would be to find someone else that is happy when I'm there. So if I didn't find that someone, that would mean both me and that other person were alive for no reason since that other person must live to make me happy. Even better, what if only one person made the other happy and not the other way around? Would one person be unnecessary? Only being there to validate the other's life? Meh..that can't be it...

So it must be a combination of those two. We are here to find happiness, not just for ourselves but for others as well. There is after all no way to be happy with someone or be the happiness in someone's life if you are not happy with yourself. On the flip-side, only making yourself happy serves no purpose. You wouldn't serve a purpose.

What I'm basically saying is, find happiness where you can. Don't try to find it far away, reaching for an impossible goal or hoping for something to come that will make it happen. Recognize it when it's right there in front of you, grab it with both hands, don't question but embrace it.

In the end, where happiness comes from doesn't matter. All that matters is that you have found it and it has found you. Don't let it slip away...

Shadows and Snow

To contrast my previous post, all I can think about right now (or whenever really) is how much I like for it to be winter again. I like the winter, more than any of the other 3 seasons.

Summer is too hot and sweaty, it's light outside for far too long as well.
Spring is too green and bouncy and, at least over here, too wet.
Autumn is too...brown. And maybe red and orange...also, too wet.

Winter, I love winter and everything about it. Minimal daylight, it's pitch black when I get up out of bed and it's pitch black when I go to sleep. I walk the streets under the soulless dampened lights from above with the cold harsh wind trying to chill my bones. Sitting in the bus to school, all I can see outside is the dark and the concessional light from passing cars.
But, most of all, I love the weather. It rarely rains, which is special for this country.
And some days, maybe 4 or 5 total when we're lucky, we get snow. The coldness, the darkness, it makes me smile. Wintertime makes me happy to bring out the thick coat hanging in the closet and putting it on, tucking my hands deep in my soft pockets, tilting my head down slightly to catch the warm air coming from my collar and just walking.

Walking, anywhere, anytime, just to be outside and enjoying it all. Always in the shadow but also in the bleak sun overhead.

I can't wait for the thermometer to dip below 5 degrees or even 0. That is my time of the year!

Summer summer summertime!

It's been a long time since we've had a summer this nice over here, that I can remember. Usually I don't care much for sunshine and hot weather and all that, it makes me sweaty and overheating isn't my favorite sport really. I prefer staying indoors, darkening the window, putting on my fan and enjoying a cool beverage. Or better yet, the day that winter finally arrives.

This year is different for a few reasons. Less things to worry about and more things to enjoy. It's actually kinda nice to take a walk outside just before noon, when it's already nice and warm from the sunshine on my back but not so much that I get tanned or anything.

Tomorrow I'm leaving for my 3rd international journey ever. After Poland and Germany, it's Sweden this time. I'd say I was gonna play tourist and enjoy the country (which I will) but we all know I'm going there to be with my lovely Jo! Finally I'm gonna see her again, it's been too long. It's always too long since the last visit...

We both know an LDR is tough. It's hard work and it taxes you to the limit. What is worse than seeing your loved one every day but not being able to touch her? Hearing her every day but never having her whisper those 3 little words in your ears? Seeing her pick up cups, pens and plates but never being able to have her touch you?
It's murder but knowing that I get to spend 6 days with her this week makes up for all that. It makes our real time together extra special. Every bit of love we feel gets poured into our time together and it is always amazing to have. Soon, very soon, we'll have our cake and eat it too. It's just a while longer to withstand all of the above before we can be together as much as we want.

Holidays...they're almost over too. When I get back it'll be about 2-3 more weeks before school starts again. First with some kind of camp for students. Looking forward to spending 3 days with lots of drunken people I don't know..not really. But it's part of the bonding thing and who knows, it might turn out to be kinda fun.
After that, 2nd year of college and the hard work and long days start again. Good thing I know what I'm doing it all for or I'd get bored again and quit.

Anyways, enough rambling for one post, time to go light the BBQ. Yummy meat and choco-bananas await!

Elitist Jerk vs Devoted Husband

It has recently come to my attention, or rather, hit me in the face like a football shot from a cannon, that I sometimes become more elitist than a Blood Elf on crack. I mean Bloodthistle...

I hadn't really noticed up until a few days ago. No wait, I had noticed but pretended it wasn't me and put it back in the box telling myself I wasn't doing it on purpose. Once in a while, when faced with situations that can potentially make me come across as smart, funny, helpful or knowledgeable, I pop into elitist mode.

Everything I say and do comes out as cocky, I brag about everything and I give advice where it's not needed with a hint of sarcasm and patronizing condescension.

Now let me just start by saying I don't mean to come across as rude, nor do I wish to make anyone feel inferior or dumb. My theory on this, and I've no idea if it's right or just me making excuses again, is that it's because of my environment and upbringing.

See, I'm told that I have to be proud of what I can do and what I know, but not all the time. Only when it is appropriate to mention it, or when it can be of help. I'm not all that good at anything really so when there is something I know I can help out with or provide information on, I jump on it like crazy.
And that's when it usually goes too far.... People don't always want that or appreciate that and on more than one occasion it hurt people's feelings.

I'm not allowed to say sorry for things I didn't intentionally do but...I'm sorry! I get so caught up in my moment of pride, of thinking 'hey! I know something about this, I'd like to let people know I do!' that it all just kinda flies forward at too fast a speed.

Another thing to work on in the never-ending process of building the suitable me. Not that I'm not suitable already, I know at least one person who thinks I'm plenty suitable already and I love her to bits, not in the least for bringing the above flaw to my attention.

Speaking of which, at the time of writing I only have to wait 13 more days to see her again! 13 being my lucky number but not so much this time, wish it was only 1 day or, even better, 1 hour. Doesn't matter though, I'm thrilled she's chosen to come back to me and spend 8 days here so we can enjoy each other again.

And enjoy we will. People who've known me a bit longer will no doubt see that I'm holding back not to put forth profanity and sexual innuendo coupled with graphic imagery that would make Charlie Sheen look like the Pope.
Yes, I'm deeply in love with my Johanna and it's no secret that I love her sharp mind as much as I do her luscious body. Mmmmh...yeah.....*drools*

Right, 13 more days, can't wait!

A Little Taste of Heaven

The hardest part of loving someone, is saying goodbye when they need to leave. I'm not afraid to admit I cried like a little baby when I saw her go through customs on the way to her gate. And in a way, it's a good thing. It strongly reassures that these feelings I have, we have, are real and strong.

But let me start at the beginning.
On Friday I got up pretty early, it's quite a trip to the airport and since I wouldn't be home again I had to drag 10 kilos of holiday packing with me everywhere. The closer I got, the more nervous too but in a good way. I knew it'd all melt away like snow under the sun when I saw her.

Her plane landed early so I rushed to the gate but nothing yet...I got even more nervous and excited as well. After a 20 minute wait, there she was. My angel from heaven. I sped towards her and we tightly embraced each other, the rest went naturally. Our first kiss, that look into each others eyes, walking hand in hand to the train station.

The days after that were purely filled with joy. The resort was amazing, in the middle of the forest and sheltered from the outside world. There was so much to do and we were never bored. We spent every single second with each other, walking about the park, dabbling in the water, relaxing on the beach, hugging in the shadows of the trees, swimming in the tropical pool, baking in the tan booth, grilling meat on our porch while enjoying some good beer and music, watching FMA on the flatscreen while in bed, eating breakfast that we cooked ourselves, participating in the live entertainment, choosing the finest meals at any of the restaurants we had there, having our special JoRo ice-cream in a thunderstorm.

It was....amazing....There are no words to describe how perfect it was. The days flew by and before we knew it, we were at my place for another day or so. Shopping for stuff to make fresh guacamole, watching horror movies in each others arms, talking a long walk around the country side, picnic with ice-cream at a secret and secluded romantic location.

Too much to do and too little time. On Tuesday evening, we headed to the airport again with heavy hearts, knowing we'd have to say goodbye there for the time being. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, take my arms from around her and let her go. Neither of us wanted it to end, we'd rather have stayed together for ever and always.

We both know we'll have to wait a while to be with each other again but we also know it will happen. In the summer, I will go to Sweden and spend more incredible days with her. Until then, we have Skype and we'll be on it every time we can. Work, school, friends, they will take some time away from us but we will always have each other.
In bed, a pillow with her perfume will have to do for now. It's no replacement for her soft, warm skin, sexy curves or the feeling of her and me being intimate (which was...my god, so amazing and fantastic), though nothing but the real thing will ever be good enough now.

This is as much as I can fit into a post at the moment, no doubt you'll be hearing more from me soon.


My Johanna, for ever and always, you and me against the world baby! I love you so much!