'How to ruin a day' or 'When is good, good enough?'

I was having dinner, same as usual on a Saturday afternoon. Same 6 people round a table, eating the same thing, all in silence.

The one that broke that silence was my father. He turned to me and said 'You know how embarrassing it is to have someone ask you what you (that'd be me) do and to have to say you do nothing? You've disappointed me'. I sat there and took it. But it stung, deeply.

It's a trend that begun around first grade (called Group 4 over here) and that never ended. I could always 'do better', 'try harder', 'score higher'. When I scored an 8 I should've studied harder and gotten a 9, when I got a 9 I should've spent less time with friends but more with my books and gotten a 10. On the rare occasions I managed a 10 and proudly told him it was always 'better make sure next one's a 10 too'.

Never a compliment, never pat on the head or a 'good job, I'm proud'. Being the first person in the family ever to score high on the end of school test meant that in high school even more would be expected of me. Expectations that weren't met.

Was it due to them being unreasonably high, or due to them being there at all? What's done is done, same goes for college...

And people wonder why I have issues, all I can say is: tip of the iceberg my friends


Now back to things I enjoy and make me feel good about myself


Sav out

Early bird catches the cold

It's 5.30 in the bloody morning, I'm shaking from the bitter cold and the need for sleep. Yet I can't go back to bed, not before writing off all the thing I have to. How much that is I don't know, I will when it's done I guess.

Years. I took me years to get to where I am in my life, be it for good or bad. The walls I built were big, high and solid. It only took a moment, in my eyes, to knock a hole into them. It flowed out, whatever it was.

Warmth, hope, dreams, love, whatever. For a good reason, at least at the time. Hindsight is 20/20 so they say. I woke up not 10 minutes ago and for the first time in a while I felt the hole in the wall was plugged again.

I've been a fucking mess inbetween the breach and the repair. You readers will have no doubt noticed. The fix is temporary though, and by no means a solution. Once the flow starts it cannot be stopped anymore, things never on my mind will forever stay there now. The wall is but a vessel, holding everything in until there is someone who can drain it, bit by bit, until it's empty.

The person I'm looking for, yearning for, praying for. Who will understand, who will know, who will love, who will hold, who will comfort, who will be comforted when needed, loved when needed to be loved and held when needed to be held.

Though I don't know when, I will find her, no doubt remains anymore that I will. Briefly I was on top, for a split second in the eternity of 23 years. I slipt, fell, hit my head on the way down and lay there for a while.

I got back up, and it's time to make my way to the top again, because once you've seen the view from up there you want to see it again, for as long as possible.

As for loose thoughts: ace holiday few weeks back, appreciating my friends more and more, looking forward to Feb. 7th and the plans I have for this year.


NB: First ever edit...I didn't want to but time is no excuse for poor spelling

And so, It begins..

Wow, 3 days into 2010 and already I've had a horrible week! That must be a new record...or maybe not...

So it appears that the past month or so I've pretty much been living a lie. I'm not sure whether it was just high hopes, the inexperience factor or straight up self-deceit but it is now certain that the thing I thought was a thing, actually wasn't. It might have been nothing from her side all along but it is now also nothing more from my side.

I still have many questions and I'd be lying if I said I was 100% okay right now, but I'm dealing better than I thought I would. I've begun planning things to do this year, maybe out of a sense of moving on or maybe because I'm just tired doing nothing.

There's also still nagging feelings of insecurity, doubt and general discontent with myself for several reasons. Most of whom I won't list here for sake of rambling on too long but I do wonder what the future holds for me. Will my efforts be repaid with happiness and joy or will I once again be shot down mid-flight, to crash and burn horribly. I don't know but I have to try, if only to gain self-confidence and pride in who I am and who I can become.

Too long have I set idly by, letting the world spin past me as years went on. What use is intellect if it is not used. What use is love if not shared. What use is life if not lived.

Next time I'll have more positive stuff to bring you, I promise!