Now I lay myself to sleep, pray someone my soul to keep

Before I go off to the magical land of dreams (hopefully), a short recount of my day.

Woke up at 5.00, delicious sound of my alarm going off. God that's one annoying beep but it's the only thing that'll do.
Get downstairs and find out it's -8 outside, so well below freezing. Fun, seeing as I'll be outside the entire day.
Want to grab some sandwiches....someone forgot to get bread, will have to go with noodles. Little did I know I would not eat anything for another 13 hours.

Great, 7am, I'm standing in an orchard in the middle of bloody nowhere, waiting for the crew to show up. You see, today I've been recruited to help haul my uncle and dad some wood. And by recruited I mean forced. And by some wood I mean 18 tonnes. Yes, you read it right, 18 tonnes of furnace-grade wood.
It's been sawed beforehand into manageable chunks and strewn across a field that measures about 1 square kilometer.

Enter: the tractor! A tractor my dad's boss owns has been outfitted with a container that can take up to 6 tonnes of whatever, in our case neatly stacked wood. We end up with 6 people: my dad, my uncle (70'ish), his former son-in-law and that guy's brother, my brother-in-law and I.

Physical facts (my body felt this): wasn't given gloves (minus 8 remember), sat still on an open tractor for at least 10 hours, spent the rest walking to try and get warm.
Verbal facts (This was yelled at me): I can't drive for shit, I can't listen to orders, I need to stop saying I need gloves, I need to be glad I was 'allowed' to help.
Mental facts (This was indirectly made clear to me and worked miracles on my brain all day): I fail at life, for I have no degree, no house, no car, no drivers license, no job, no girlfriend, no interesting things to tell whatsoever. I'm physically inadequate and only fit to drive a tractor at 0.2 kph in a straight line and definitely not to be let near any wood that has to be stacked. My brother-in-law, now that's the kinda guy people like. He has all of the above and is the son/cousin/nephew/grandson they always wanted!

Did I mention we failed to get the job done and ended up with only 3/5 containers filled? So yes, I 'get to go' again tomorrow.

Alarm goes off at 5, I hope my house catches fire while I'm asleep.


Sav.

Teach a man to write......or copy/paste

Yes, I know, not original or even blatantly stolen from another blog....Still, I've been wanting to do this for a while now, teasing is a part of me as much as hugging is.

The following descriptions feature people in my life. If you are reading this, you are among them. Will I tell you which one you are? Maybe....;)

1. Happy birthday, I hope tonight will turn out great. In fact, I know for sure it will. You might be grumpy sometimes, you're still my best friend and you have been for the past 12-odd years. Also, take care of your girl, you might act indifferent but you're a lucky sob and losing her will kill you.
2. I haven't known you for long but still, we pretty much figured each other out. I never would have thought possible I'd be able to talk to you the way I am.
3. You're odd but I love you dammit. The person in my life I've known the longest, I'd trust you with anything. Pizza will never be the same again.
4. Up and down, that's us. People say internet relations are doomed to fail, in whatever form. We're determined to prove them wrong. You don't deserve the things life handed you, I will always try to take them off you or at least make you smile.
5. My initial hate for you turned into parts pity and resentment. You taught me important lessons, but I won't thank you for it. What you did, I can never forgive.
6. The last few times I poked you, I got a cold response. I won't try it again. We probably grew too much apart. Still, I'll always remember what you did for me. Good luck with your life and your new-found love.
7. You mean more to me than you know or than I show. I'm afraid to lose you as a friend so I'm doing my best to get more in touch with you. I think our talk last night helped us along nicely. Also, don't do anything you might regret, not that you do that easily.
8. The one person who knows me better than anyone and the person I can trust without any doubt. I'd make a move on you if you weren't taken but I will settle for friendship as I always do. Hope we get to meet again soon, I missed your company.
9. I enjoy talking to you, I know you make someone very happy. I hope that will continue, you've really become part of the inner circle.
10. You are strong, you are a fighter, you will survive, like me. I don't know you as well as I'd like, but I don't think it can be helped. Just know you are a smart and beautiful woman.
11. You dented my heart and spirit a little, more than once. You're still my friend because it was my fault all those times I got slightly hurt. We had fun times, we might again some day, I don't know how things will turn out. I just hope I can leave my jealousy behind this time.
12. From close friends to normal friends, that's how it went. I don't regret anything and neither do you I think. Like any of my friends, I wish you all the best of luck with future endeavors such as love and living.
13. You're the secret that will stay a secret, from everyone but the handful of people that already know. I'm glad we're still friends, once in a while we manage to surprise each other.
14. There's a first for everything, you're on this list. Regrets are plenty but less so than the feeling of being content with how things went. Sorry for not poking you lately.
15. You are an idiot, but a lovable idiot. Have more faith in yourself, do the things you want to do without second-guessing them. You will turn out alright, there's bound to be someone out there for you.
16. I don't know your name but we ride the same bus to and from school every day. I wish I had the guts to talk to you, you seem interesting and, not unimportant, attractive though maybe a bit young. Maybe some day I'll work up enough courage.
17. You expect something from me that I'm not sure I can deliver. I know I said I might but after all that's happened, anything is possible. I'm just afraid you'll turn into that which I'm trying to avoid.
18. Broken promises is what you mean to me. Haven't spoken to you in some time now, it's for the best. I'd hate to get into you again so you could let me down once more.

'I haven't felt so alive in years, the sun is shining down on me'!

Riding the 312 bus home from school after taking my 2nd exam of the year and thinking I might have actually done well. The sun is shining down on me through the slightly tinted windows and I raise my head towards the warming rays of light. Thoughts of good things flood into my mind...

I'm still alive and kicking after everything, I'm not dying of anything horrible any time soon either. I got a roof over my head, food in my fridge (well, not really my fridge but still), everything I need to pass the free time I have at home and just enough money to do the things I like.

An occasional visit to Subway, a night out to the movies with my friends, a can of Dr. Pepper, a good CD, a new DVD. I don't need much to be content.

Good things are on the horizon. This Friday I'm having gourmet with my 3 closest friends to celebrate one of their birthdays and the anniversary of two of them as well. The first Sunday of February is, as it has been for the past 7 years, the annual Superbowl Party. I'm organizing and it's gonna be a food- and booze-filled extravaganza that will last 'till the early hours.
February 14th will be 'avoid women at all costs'-day, but not the usual 'stay in bed'-day.

I started the day with the intent to write another bluuurgh post and I even had it all in my head but on my way home, I really felt I had done enough moping for one month and the comment I got last night ('Where's happy Sav? We want happy Sav back!') made me reconsider writing any more negative things for the foreseeable future (unless of course something reeeaally bad happens, but then I'm entitled to).

Sav, signing out with a smile on his face

Polar Bear, Polar Expedition, Bi-Polar

Just a quicky, a song to share with y'all. It's no secret I love Assemblage 23 and this song takes the cake (along with Cocoon).

Assemblage 23 --- Bi-Polar (lyrics below the vid)


I haven't felt so alive in years
The sun is shining down on me
My eyes are welling up with tears
Tears of joy, tears of ecstasy

Emotions I once kept concealed
Now flow freely like a river
Life's great mysteries revealed
Love's great promises delivered

I hate my life I want to die
I was just pretending all this time
A mask I wear so I don't bare
My soul to the cold, harsh world out there
Try to prevail but only fail
Each time on a grander and grander scale
My life is worthless and so am I
I hate my life I want to die

The landscape rises to meet my feet
The sky descends to fill my arms
For once I finally feel complete
For once I know I can't be harmed

All I know is light and love
I feel that I could live forever
While others' troubles seem to grow
I have no problems whatsoever

I hate my life I want to die
I was just pretending all this time
A mask I wear so I don't bare
My soul to the cold, harsh world out there
Try to prevail but only fail
Each time on a grander and grander scale
My life is worthless and so am I
I hate my life I want to die

The epiphany that came to fall
Finally helped me reconcile
What I felt wasn't joy at all
All this time it was just denial

I hate my life I want to die
I was just pretending all this time
A mask I wear so I don't bare
My soul to the cold, harsh world out there
Try to prevail but only fail
Each time on a grander and grander scale
My life is worthless and so am I
I hate my life I want to die


Final thoughts: Maybe it'll give some insight into the daily routine of my brain.

I might be a fool, but I'm not crazy

Let's see...has anything interesting happened since my last post...let me think...I had the most awesome Subway sandwich to day, I ate a pizza while watching the Shawshank Redemption with my best friend. That's about i---oh I almost forgot! THE WOMAN I THOUGHT WAS MY GIRLFRIEND HAS BEEN SEEING ANOTHER MAN FOR THE PAST MONTH.

Let's talk about that a bit eh, probably more interesting than the Meatball Marinara with honey-mustard sauce I had.
So, in part due to my inquisitive nature, in part due to this blog, I found out that there was another 'me'. Let's call this man Ozzy and say he's no less a victim than I am. That day, when I took a risk and sent him a message on Facebook after he commented on my previous post, we both found out we'd been tricked. We'd been had, we'd been conned, lied to, back-stabbed and royally fucked.

By her. I won't even give her the satisfaction of posting her name, but I know she's here, around, lurking and smirking at the two of us, fools as we might have been.

Anyways, that same evening we came into contact and we talked. For 8 hours straight, about all the things that happened to us. All of which turned out to be the exact same things and all of them were a lie. Untruth, make-belief, whatever you want to call it.
She never 'loved' either of, she never intended for either of us to come over and visit and show her how we felt. Because what we felt was real, what she felt....who knows, who's to say she felt anything at all.

At the end of that day, I felt empty. I had already formally broken up with her a few days prior but for other reasons. I had no reason to believe any of this could ever be true. But it was, is, and instead of feeling sadness for losing her, I now only feel bitterness, hate and regret.
I fell for it again, the same old thing and once again I ignored every piece of sound advice anyone had given me. So, I deserved it, again, for being a stubborn dumbass.

Most of that has subsided now. After days of talking to Ozzy, I found out how similar we really are, apart from a few differences like age, location and experience in certain areas of life. I'd like to claim this will never happen to me again but of course I can never be sure.

All I can do now is hope that over time, my bitterness will subsided and I'll be able to trust a person who claims to love me again without doubting their true intentions. Until that day, I'll just be me again, lonely but....not alone.

The End

As I'm sitting here, I find my head eerily calm. There is nothing running around in there at the moment, a far cry from say... an hour ago. I know what it is that haunts me, I know why and how as well. But there is no way out. No way that will end in anything remotely good.

Doors 1, 2 and 3 lie before me. Door 1 leads down the familiar hallways, the eternal loop, the same old thing. Door 2 leads to heartbreak, a double dose. Maybe something worse as well, I don't know. I don't want to take that door if I can help it.

Door 3 leads to the End. The End of all Ends, the blackest black. A road that would hurt everyone but me, a road who's door I had nearly opened once but decided against taking then. It's the easiest one to take, considering.

But the calm in my head says I shouldn't. Because recently, someone told me about hope and that there's always some left somewhere. Always someone out there who loves you and believes in you. That thought is the only thing keeping me here right now.

Door 1 and 2 are bad places too, they will take me down roads that slash at my knees and rip at my clothes until I am a bloody mess. One of them will lead me out of that cursed forest, battered, beaten, scarred..but not broken.

Which one is it? I hope it comes to me before the gale inside my head starts picking up again, making all into a cacophony of howls and screeches.


It is 4.30am, I am....alone.

What's that thing on your keychain?

Because people like to ask questions and I like answering them, I thought I'd humor everyone by compiling a (really) short list to symbolism in my life.

The Ankh



The Ankh stands for life, infinity in loops and for me, friendship.
The symbol in question has been hanging from my keychain for years now and has been going everywhere with me. It was a gift from a dear friend for my 16th birthday, who got it from Egypt. I cherish it for its sentimental value but also its meanings.

Life, we all have it and we'll all lose it at some point. I'm not to bothered about the 'when' because the 'if' is a certainty. Live life to the fullest, avoid regrets at the end.
Infinity, in loops or just on its own, is a common theme. Life to death to new life. Recycling of all kinds. It can also refer to the cycle of mistakes one makes or the inevitable loops some of us end up in. They are hard to break.

Friendship is the most important thing in the world to me. Without my friends, there would be no me. I rely on them as much as some of them rely on me and that comforts me, knowing people out there support each other.


The Heart



The heart stands for love, for hope and for feelings. It doesn't show up much in my daily life besides the one beating in my chest and others, and the ones I try to send to a special someone when I can.

Love, so warm yet so cold. So inviting yet so repulsing. It can delight you in the basking warm rays or burn you in its scarring flames. We all need it, crave it on a deep down level of our hearts. We might get burned over and over or we get lucky and find that one person that makes us happy for the rest of our lives. Whatever the case, love will always be there in some form. Whether we like it or not.

Hope is something you need to survive. It's needed to cling onto in situations that seem to have none of it. Friends and loved ones can provide you with it or you can conjure up some yourself if you are that strong a person. Hope is the last barrier between you and horribly wrong choices.

Feeling are what I am proud of, in secret. Most people don't see me the way some of you do, the way I really am. The society we live in does not appreciate an overflow of emotions in a man and I adapt to that. I remain stoic and wholly masked when I'm outside, giving off an air of indifference and boredom at the world around me. Inside and to my closest friends, I shed that cloak and share what I feel. I hug, I cuddle, I cry, I despair about everyday things. As everyone should. Until that day, this is me in disguise.


The Skull



The skull represents death, but also reason in thinking and hardiness. It's omnipresent in my life, especially my room. Stuffed with horror movies, scary books and posters, it looked more like a freak-show than a bedroom before I changed it around.

I've come close to death on more than one occasion, though not quite on a personal level. Important people around me have died, not all in a peaceful way, and for some of them I wept tears of joy, that there passing was earned and they'd gotten a better life, if you believe in that. For some I wept tears of bitterness, for they weren't supposed to go yet and it might have been better had I been in there place. Tears of sorrow were shed for both my parents, whom I nearly lost 7 years ago due to unforeseen circumstances. I'll never forget what that was like, feeling like any minute I could be totally alone in the world so I'm happy it didn't come to pass.

Reason in thinking is an aspect of myself I take pride in. Underneath the emotions is a part of me that is capable of cold, hard decision-making. I can be ruthless if needed be. According to various 'official' tests that I don't care about, I have an IQ of over 145, well big woop. Being intelligent is having good brains, being smart is using those brains. I'm mostly in the former category, not caring about using this intellect but for what interests me. A downside of having it I guess. Strategic thinking, problem analysis and seeing the big picture are some of my qualities, as showing from my almost complete degree in (human) resource management. Some call it boring, I call it 'having control'.

Hardiness is a necessity in life. Getting back up after the fall, taking the blows and withstanding whatever gets thrown at you. At times, I sink in a well of self-pity but in a way I do always come out. There's always something or someone that gives me that last nudge that I needed to recover, where hardiness and steadfastness kept me afloat for the rest of the duration. The ability to not stay down will serve one until the end.


The Music Key



The music key represents music and relaxation. I listen to music every minute that I am awake. Extensive playlists on my Youtube account, my Spotify account and my pc assure me that there is always something to listen to. And every day, my collection grows because other people introduce me to new songs that fit my bill.

Music is a way for me to adjust my setting and surrounding to my mood. Anger, sadness, joy or nostalgia, all have their own music associated with it. 'Theme songs' signify the most powerful music in a specific category and they have been with me ever since I started using music in this way. My taste is very diverse, there is very little music I detest or reject on it's label alone. Every song needs to be listened to, no matter the artist or the genre it is from. And when it might not be for you, someone else is sure to give meaning to it in some form or another. My current biggest passion lies with the electronic. Punk, techno, industrial, you name it, I like it. There's just something about the contrast between synthesized sounds and the feelings they convey, as well as the immense diversity the genre has shown.

Relaxation can be achieved in many ways. Through music, through gaming, through being with friends and family, through doing nothing at all or lots of things at once. And it doesn't matter how you relax, as long as you do relax once in a while. Being busy all the time can be rewarding but in calm and quiet you find new appreciation for things and it lets you get perspective on a lot of things.

Sav.