Stubborn and Old

Myeah, it's been a while since I wrote something here... couple of months? For several reasons actually. One is that I don't think anyone actually reads this and the other being I only feel like writing when I got something to complain about.

I guess I don't really care about #1 and #2 is just what I do. I don't know why but complaining is in my blood. A Dutch thing perhaps? We are kinda known for complaining about anything, just so we can say something got a bit better at some point. Sometimes, things are good as they are though.

Lately I find myself hrm.. how to put it... happy with how things are. Could be better (see, complaining again) since nothing is optimal but it's getting there. School is going well, passed 6/7 so far without much trouble and my classmates think I'm worth hanging around with. That's always a good sign things are okay.

The biggest thing in my life is still that special someone I met, well over a year ago now. Time flies but not fast enough. I want to be there, with her. It makes things so much easier and better if I was. Now, more than ever, I feel the need to leave this place. Not just my home and family but my country.

Don't get me wrong, I'm proud to be Dutch and I'll always be a southerner but it seems things are going downhill. Maybe I watch too much news, maybe I'm seeing things in black and white but I'm starting to dislike living in the Netherlands more and more. Sure, it's a nice country on the outside with the cows and the fields and the tasty sauces but I can't help but feel it's slowly rotting from the inside.

The government is doing all sorts of crazy shit like blocking internet sites and pushing through laws that the people don't want at all. The biggest screamers win the votes, even though all they're screaming is empty and hollow. Streets are getting more and more unsafe, crimes go unpunished or barely punished at all (3 years for murder, REALLY?!). Feels like we're not the cozy country we used to be anymore. Or maybe I'm getting old(er).

Family is all fucked up. I think I told y'all (who? haha) about my big family once, 11 uncles and aunts on my dad's side. Since my grandma passed away and left the house and other possessions to be split equally among the 12 children, things have gone south. People trying to literally destroy each other over some goddamn cash. Why deny your own brother or sister the part that they're entitled to? Why make it so hard on yourself just to spite another? I don't get it and I hope I never do, because for all the silly things we do I still fucking love my sisters. And my parents too for that matter. I want the family from 10 years ago back, when we celebrated birthdays and anniversaries with 150 people in a cafe-partyroom and chugged a beer to some funny acts and got to socialize with family members you usually didn't get to see that often.

Don't think this'll ever clear up though, things have gone too far to be forgiven. When I find myself thinking, when delivering my Saturday mail, how nice it would be to just burn the things I have to deliver to my asshole uncle who lives down the street I need a reality-check... the hell happened that made me think that about people I used to like? We all choose sides and there's no switching, it's do or die, till the bitter end. Of course I'm behind my dad, no matter what his side is. I don't even know what is his side it and it doesn't matter.

I lost track of what I wanted to type xD Ah yes..weight >.>

Lately, or rather the past year and a half or so, I've been putting on weight like a walrus in a cake shop. Getting lazy, not cycling to school anymore, not going to the gym anymore, eating after midnight, eating too much in one go, eating too fat, etcetera etcetera. It's gotten to the point where I'm having constant stomach aches and I can't tell if it's from genuine appetite, a soar of some kind or from overeating. Stomach acid perhaps... Whatever the case, it's really really bad but I can't seem to get myself to that mental point where I say 'stop, tis enough now'. That point needs to come soon or I will literally have no more clothes to put on that actually fit and I'll do some kind of irreparable damage to my body.
I eat out of boredom mostly and because it's easy. There's always something I can eat and my parents don't really say anything about it. I just wonder when it's actually enough hrm, I can't show myself like this and it's not very attractive either.

Well, enough rambling for one post. Maybe more some other time, if I feel like it. If only to satisfy my need to put stuff on paper regardless of anyone reading it or finding it helpful/funny/entertaining/insightful.


Sav out.