Third Time is Not the Charm

So I guess I'm part of some elite club now, with all 3 of my relationships having ended in a poor, horrible manner. 3rd time I had to give up (what I thought was) the love of my live to another as they spar it out in front of me, 3rd time I feel like the bad guy, 3rd time filled with sleepless nights and activities chosen purely because of their distracting capabilities.

I don't even feel like going too much into detail about it this time, same routine as before: boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, boy spends x amount of time having the best time of his life with girl, girl's had enough of him, girl dumps him and moves on to someone else.

Yeah yeah, it wasn't cheating this time. But moving on before or immediately after your ex is still in your house is the absolute worst thing you can imagine having done to you and I've managed it twice now so apparently it doesn't matter what I think. I thought I would feel better once I got home again but I don't. Of course I don't. Here I have nothing else to worry about, nothing to occupy my mind to keep it clear of all the feelings and thought I had tried to bury so well for the past, say..., 7'ish years.

Every time this happens, an old wound gets ripped open and fresh blood is being added. 3 in a row, I must be some kind of shithead who deserves this in some way or another. Either 3 women felt like they had no choice but to do this to me or 3 times I called it upon myself, both thought are equally depressing.

So now I sit here, finding myself with less than a handful of people (read: 1) to even talk to about all this and it reminds me of the friends I used to have. The guy I used to be. Sure, he was emo and immature and in ways I still am. I have learned a lot these past years though even if it doesn't show in this post.

'Move on, deal with it, plenty more fish in the sea, it happens'. Those are things I've heard a hundred times by now and each time they mean less and less. Maybe I don't want to, or can't, move on as fast as other seem to be able to, maybe I don't want to deal with it, maybe those other fish can go fuck themselves because they're likely the same as the fish I've already eaten. As for 'it happens', damn right it happens. Over and over and over.

All of this has happened before and all of this will happen again. So say we all!


EDIT: Before the inevitable misunderstandings start to happen and questions are going to be asked: NO, she did not cheat on me nor did she ever do that. NO, I'm not depressed in the regularly used definition of the word ('just' heartbroken) and YES, we are still friends but with a communication-silence for the time being until I have moved on far enough to chat again. That is all.