What If.....

Yep.. one of those days again. Hardly slept, been up for hours helping around the house remodeling the bathroom and painting the hallways so I had pleeeeenty time to think about stuff again. Like: What if.. I hadn't been so blind and preoccupied with myself that I had seen this coming, what if I had read the signs on time and could've prevented this. What if I wasn't such a massive slacker and unmotivated person, would this have still happened? If I had been living there for a year or more already, could this have been avoided? If not, did I dodge a bullet and if yes, then did I fire this bullet myself?

Maybe, or probably, a big part of the blame lies on myself. Having had time to think stuff through more, I know that I'm massively at fault again. That doesn't make it easier though. Let me share something with you (whomever you are, reading this) about my thoughts today.
I've been thinking about all the things lost to me. Not just from the end of my relationship but in general. I wish I could go back in time and talk to my grandfather (dad's dad). He seems like I'd have liked him a lot and I regret not knowing him at all. He was a quiet man but with a smile on his face most of the time. He was a deep thinker with a big heart who love his wife, his 12 children and his 30-something grand-kids. He loved working outside in his orchard and tending his plants and when you wanted something off your chest, he invited you to sit next to him in his comfy chair to mull over some thoughts with something to drink. I never really got the chance to do this much, he died when I was 14 and by that time he was quite a ways gone already but there's pictures and some videos of him doing this with most of my cousins and my dad tells stories about him whenever he's had some beer.

I also wish I could talk to my cousin Kees again one more time. He was one of my favourite cousins, nearly of an age with my dad (being born to my dad's oldest sibling and my dad being the 2nd youngest of 12) and he was a great listener as well. Like my granddad, he too was full of advice and he spent nearly all his time by himself doing what he liked best: playing darts, building stuff in his yard and listening to his beloved Dutch music. In 2008 he came home late from a darts-match at his local pub (no drink, never while driving!) and he probably had to swerve to avoid a dog. It was pitch black on a back road with no lighting and a ditch with trees on either side. He wasn't in his regular sturdy van that day because it was being serviced but his girlfriend's metal can of a car. He swerved, slipped into the ditch and the car flipped up it's behind and the roof crushed against a big tree. They say he wasn't dead on impact and might've been conscious for a few hours after but no one found the wreck till early morning. I can't even imagine what he went through in his final moments but when the news came that Sunday afternoon, I knew something was lost forever.

That's how I feel now too. So much is lost by this 'simple' action (or inaction). A whole future, a life together, moments that will never be spent again. Lots of things I was seriously preparing for like a living in another county and leaving the little I had here behind, a job to (help) support us both, a house in the country with room for horses and dogs, kids... I really was ready for a kid now. Before I got the message that she didn't feel like she could continue anymore I ... I was planning to propose to her. Even been looking at rings that matched our couple earrings, stainless steel with black burned engravings. Oh god what I have done...

Yeah, keep telling me this feeling will pass and that I'll find someone else some day. Well right now I don't feel that and I can't even imagine feeling like that. I feel like everything I worked for the past 4-5 years is now gone in one fell swoop leaving just an empty hole that I can't even begin to imagine filling. Filling with what? There's outside circumstances that are forcing me to do this as fast as possible but there is no end to it yet. Not that I can see and that scares me most of all.

What will happen now? I don't know, nobody knows, nobody can know. All I know is that I'm going to keep writing everything down here so I have a spot to place these feelings for lack of better ways. A place where I can read it all back and make sense of it as that is the easiest way to organize all the conflicting and raging feelings I have right now.

Speak to you tomorrow...


P.S. A23, thank frak for A23