So the year is almost over, thank god. Out of the 23 something years on this rock '09 ranks among the top 3 shittiest years I've lived to see. Christmas doesn't really make up for it either, every time I hope for the best against my better judgement.
First Day of Christmas is when I take my yearly trip to church with my father. Call it...tradition. I'm not religious in any way so I'm not going there to hear that dude in the white dress talk about the Mighty Lord. I use that 2 hours on an uncomfortable wooden bench to reflect on the past year. What better place to do that then a huge stone cave with no sounds (or heating, Jesus didn't take kindly to fireplaces).
Oh-Nine has been a total shithole for me, save one or two things. Got booted from school, couldn't find a job, lost some important people, hospital a few times, that nasty accident my mom had for the 3rd time and Christmas horror to top it off.
Only lights in the darkness: some people I met online, especially that one person who keeps distracting my thoughts, and...well..that's it..
I might not be alone, probably never have been, but I sure as hell am damn lonely. If anyone wants to convince me otherwise, you'll have a hard time. My heart is easily reached but my head is not. Even when good things do happen I keep wondering if it's not a mistake, meant for someone else. It's hard to accept true happiness after everything that's been unloaded on to me. Yes, I know some people's stories make mine look like Disneyland but that doesn't negate the personal impacts these things keep having. To me it's still a very dark time, even with all the Christmas lights adorning the streets.
Every year I visit my family on Second Christmas Day and every year they manage to stab that knife a little deeper. This year I swore I wouldn't go but saying I got pressured into going would be an understatement. All the standard cliches were smacked upon the table and in my face, every single flaw in my life dragged out onto the streets and beaten like a long dead horse. Every negative aspect in my life magnified and judged by people who don't have clue what the hell they're talking about.
The urge to reach over the table and strangle them has long since been taken over by just sitting lifelessly on a chair, taking the shower of crap before returning home and drinking myself into a beer-induced coma. So apologies if all this seems somewhat pessimistic, the boozing has already started.
About 5 more days left in this horrible year, and once again I'm hoping they turn out for the best, so I can at least close it off with some dignity and hope that the next one will better somehow. At least I won't be home on New Years Eve, I'll be elsewhere. Hopefully somewhere where I can lay 2009 to rest with someone who does care, though that is out of my control.
For now, I'll be sitting here in this chair until I either fall over or until the sun rises again so I can go to bed.
Sav out
26 December 2009
17 December 2009
White Snow, Black Night
So I wake up and it's all white outside. Should've been expecting it since the snow-warnings were all over the news last night but in a slight hint of pessimism I figured it wouldn't snow this early. Until I realizes of course that it's already one week from Christmas >.<
All that aside, it's been another eventful week, nice emotional instability issues and the lot as usual. But, I wouldn't be writing here should they not be resolved already in a quite fulfilling manner.
The past weekend I royally fucked up, everyone in on this would agree. However, I'd say that we've moved past this and the things that caused it to come out on the other side stronger and better. I know it's not a new year yet, but I've already started on my own resolution for '10: grow some more bloody spine.
For years my own insecurities have been weighing me down, holding me back. Though some of the issues causing them are still here, I feel that I can overcome them. Not on my own but definitely with the people that care for me, which turns out to be more than I imagined really.
Therefore, my resolution will be to start acting more like me. It sounds a bit dodgy but what I mean by that is that I'm going to put effort into opening up more, not just online but face to face with other people. I can't and won't be that carpet anymore that people use to wipe their feet on, as happened last night.
I'll give a short rundown of the story. A bunch of people dragged me off to help them even though I didn't plan to, or had the time and will to. But, eternally nice guy couldn't say no and agreed to tag along. They ended up repaying me by saying I was worthless, crap and generally useless. Yeah, that's exactly what I wanted to hear after helping them out....
So fuck that and fuck them basically, I'm through being the nice guy just for the sake of being nice and wanting to be appreciated. If you don't like me because I happened to not be able to help out then too bad.
Now I'm not saying I'm going to be acting like some rampant jerk all of a sudden, because I still greatly enjoy helping others out and socializing online but if I don't feel like it, then you can expect a 'no' from now on.
Now you're probably wondering (nah, probably not) where all this suddenly came from. Where else but from the person I really care deeply about. She knows she's still on my mind and in my heart and I want to thank her for helping me on this path even though she might not know she has.
The last say...3 months have been a big period of change for me, both mentally and physically (no I did not hit puberty >.>). I want to work on being a better me and not just for myself but for everyone else. And even though I might still be at a loss sometimes as to what step to take next, I know I will get there eventually.
Oh and if you were still doubting: NO, I haven't given up on you yet. YES, I still want you. YES, I am sure. YES, I know you're in a rough spot. NO, I will not walk away easily and silently...not anymore. YES, I AM looking forward to taking you in my arms again, this time as myself, and make you feel like you can bury your head in chest and build on me like it's supposed to.
I ain't dead yet bitches!!
All that aside, it's been another eventful week, nice emotional instability issues and the lot as usual. But, I wouldn't be writing here should they not be resolved already in a quite fulfilling manner.
The past weekend I royally fucked up, everyone in on this would agree. However, I'd say that we've moved past this and the things that caused it to come out on the other side stronger and better. I know it's not a new year yet, but I've already started on my own resolution for '10: grow some more bloody spine.
For years my own insecurities have been weighing me down, holding me back. Though some of the issues causing them are still here, I feel that I can overcome them. Not on my own but definitely with the people that care for me, which turns out to be more than I imagined really.
Therefore, my resolution will be to start acting more like me. It sounds a bit dodgy but what I mean by that is that I'm going to put effort into opening up more, not just online but face to face with other people. I can't and won't be that carpet anymore that people use to wipe their feet on, as happened last night.
I'll give a short rundown of the story. A bunch of people dragged me off to help them even though I didn't plan to, or had the time and will to. But, eternally nice guy couldn't say no and agreed to tag along. They ended up repaying me by saying I was worthless, crap and generally useless. Yeah, that's exactly what I wanted to hear after helping them out....
So fuck that and fuck them basically, I'm through being the nice guy just for the sake of being nice and wanting to be appreciated. If you don't like me because I happened to not be able to help out then too bad.
Now I'm not saying I'm going to be acting like some rampant jerk all of a sudden, because I still greatly enjoy helping others out and socializing online but if I don't feel like it, then you can expect a 'no' from now on.
Now you're probably wondering (nah, probably not) where all this suddenly came from. Where else but from the person I really care deeply about. She knows she's still on my mind and in my heart and I want to thank her for helping me on this path even though she might not know she has.
The last say...3 months have been a big period of change for me, both mentally and physically (no I did not hit puberty >.>). I want to work on being a better me and not just for myself but for everyone else. And even though I might still be at a loss sometimes as to what step to take next, I know I will get there eventually.
Oh and if you were still doubting: NO, I haven't given up on you yet. YES, I still want you. YES, I am sure. YES, I know you're in a rough spot. NO, I will not walk away easily and silently...not anymore. YES, I AM looking forward to taking you in my arms again, this time as myself, and make you feel like you can bury your head in chest and build on me like it's supposed to.
I ain't dead yet bitches!!
6 December 2009
So it's been a while...
I thought it was time again to write down my thoughts and, most of it, my woes. Things have changed since my last post. Some for the better, some for the worse. I'll just start at the beginning and see where I end up I guess.
Last weekend, wow, probably the most life changing experience I've ever had. I'm not really sure how open I can be about the whole thing but I'm gonna try my best to convey my feelings as I see fit. So I went to see this woman I really like. Even before I actually met her I liked her and in a crazy, spine-growing experience, I even told her that. To my surprise (kinda) she did not bite my head off, call me names or otherwise insult me.
I spent Saturday and Sunday at her place, generally relaxing, talking, laughing and cuddling. Seeing as my life up until now has been lacking any kind of real social and physical contact I was afraid I was gonna overload right there and then >.<
Needless to say things went well and as soon as I boarded the train home I started to miss her.
The past week I've been thinking about her a lot, as well as talking to her and texting her. Every time I wish she was here, so I could hold her and she could hold me. So I could kiss her and she could kiss me. But I also feel bad for thinking about it that much. I know she's got a very busy life and can't just take 2 days off to come hang out with me, drink a beer, watch a movie. It makes me feel selfish, because it's my fault I don't have anything better to do all day, to take my mind off things. Seeing all the people around me happily prancing around with girlfriends, wives, kids, etc is also not really uplifting.
All I can do now I guess is to wait when we can see each other again, if ever. I'm still a bit confused as to how all this should work but expert advice tells me it always takes time. The last thing I want is to come across as pushy or annoying because that's never good.
With that out of the way, what else happened? 2 people I know got pregnant, I ate my 2nd Sub evah and it tasted great, Dutch national gift-giving holiday came and went without leaving me much good and that's about it I guess.....
Tune in next time for more ramblings, whenever I feel like it....
Last weekend, wow, probably the most life changing experience I've ever had. I'm not really sure how open I can be about the whole thing but I'm gonna try my best to convey my feelings as I see fit. So I went to see this woman I really like. Even before I actually met her I liked her and in a crazy, spine-growing experience, I even told her that. To my surprise (kinda) she did not bite my head off, call me names or otherwise insult me.
I spent Saturday and Sunday at her place, generally relaxing, talking, laughing and cuddling. Seeing as my life up until now has been lacking any kind of real social and physical contact I was afraid I was gonna overload right there and then >.<
Needless to say things went well and as soon as I boarded the train home I started to miss her.
The past week I've been thinking about her a lot, as well as talking to her and texting her. Every time I wish she was here, so I could hold her and she could hold me. So I could kiss her and she could kiss me. But I also feel bad for thinking about it that much. I know she's got a very busy life and can't just take 2 days off to come hang out with me, drink a beer, watch a movie. It makes me feel selfish, because it's my fault I don't have anything better to do all day, to take my mind off things. Seeing all the people around me happily prancing around with girlfriends, wives, kids, etc is also not really uplifting.
All I can do now I guess is to wait when we can see each other again, if ever. I'm still a bit confused as to how all this should work but expert advice tells me it always takes time. The last thing I want is to come across as pushy or annoying because that's never good.
With that out of the way, what else happened? 2 people I know got pregnant, I ate my 2nd Sub evah and it tasted great, Dutch national gift-giving holiday came and went without leaving me much good and that's about it I guess.....
Tune in next time for more ramblings, whenever I feel like it....
26 November 2009
My friend gets laid and I get...a sandwich
The 2 subject of my latest ramblings: one of my best friends and sandwiches. I can already hear you think ‘God Sav, what kind of combination is that?’. Well, read on I say!
I’ll start with the sandwich, the non-sexual one. Last Saturday my mate took me to the newly opened franchise restaurant chain called Subway. It’s the first one that’s close by enough for me to actually reach without travelling for 2 hours. It was de-fucking-licious I can tell you! First one I had then will become, as tradition demands it, my signature sub. It’s called a Chicken and Bacon Ranch. One foot long toasted honey bread with chicken strips, bacon, ranch dressing, cheese, lettuce, tomato, pickles and the main component: Spicy Chipotle Midwestern Sauce!. Or as we have come to call it: the Texas Subway Massacre. I’m starting to drool just thinking about it, especially knowing I’ll be having another one in about 10 hours time.
What’s not making me drool however is the fact that one of my best friends is getting his nasty on this Saturday with his girlfriend. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy all the way for them. What it means though is that come Sunday, I will be the last one of our little group to never have gotten any, whatsoever, in whatever way.
Yes, I know I’ve been going on about this to the point of it just becoming a big stupid whine I rattle off to anyone who will listen but it’s still driving me goddamn nuts! It’s gonna be in my face from this point on. I’m the last one with everything, no matter what the subject. Computer, microwave, foodstuffs, gamesconsole, sex. Frak, I’ve never even kissed someone let alone had an actual girlfriend! Is it just me? Maybe I'm just meant to be last with everything
I just wanted to get this out of my system before going to bed, late as usual. One more thing I won’t have to worry about anymore tonight.
Sav.
23 November 2009
Of Assholes, Comics and Sex
This title preeetty much sums up yesterday for me. 3 keywords that influenced Sunday and my general mood (which was overall positive by the way).
Let's start with assholes shall we... They come in many shapes and sizes, and they are everywhere. I never let them get to me but this particular one hit me where it hurt: my friends. Now I'm not gonna name names or give you every detail of the situation. The person(s) involved will no doubt already know what I'm referencing to. To make a long story short: I was having a great time ingame last night with some good friends in our WoW channel. Everyone joined me in some innocent debauchery and generally pervy jokes that I'd like to call entertainment. Nothing serious even, one might actually say way over the top. I'm not sure what spurned this person's reaction, my attitude and liberal use of sexual innuendo or some other person's willing involvement but that person totally overreacted, causing deliberate discomfort and maybe even pain to one of my friends.
Now I am not one to look to deep into this kinda stuff, it's even happened to me before, but somehow I can't look at this person the same ever again. There are limits to what I can overlook and a pissed off Sav will hold a grudge for a fairly long time. To the others involved it's something that's in the past and even resolved so I won't bring it up again. Just know that some stuff you will remember for a long time.
Second issue on the agenda: comics! Yay, I love me some good comics, especially webcomics. A few days ago a friend linked me to this one: http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=1 It's called 'Questionable Content', a comic that is up to about 1500 something pages already. For someone who doesn't know me, it's a quite accurate depiction of my life. A guy, with nothing going on in his life, low self-esteem and girl issues, and his struggles with the real world. Also included are 'girl he likes but can't say anything to', 'girl that likes him but is put off by his issues', 'best friend who's better at everything' and 'large circle of female friends that he either liked but couldn't act upon his feelings with or who liked him but airdropped him into the friend-zone'. Imagine my surprise when I started reading. The past 2 days I've been reading this comic, to the point of obsession. Hours upon hours do I flick through the pages, recognizing myself in every one of them. This to the point where I start to have actual emotions for and with the characters which is kinda disturbing.
Example: The main character's love interest of the past hooked up the brother of his current girlfriend for casual sex. Now when this happened I literally thought 'oh my god, how can she do that after just turning (the main character) down. How low is that, I hope she gets yelled at by everyone'. Not until a few minutes later did I realize that I was actually ripping on a fictional character. Why you say? I answer with 'projected emotions'. Yes, I was identifying with the main character so much, that I (almost?) thought it was me. I reacted as would've reacted in real life to the same situation. Is it weird or even disturbing? You tell me...
Last topic for this post: Sex. Yes, I know, sex again....can you honestly blame me here? If you've read the essay from my first post (and you bloody well should have!) than you know of my issues with this particular thing. It's related to the second topic slightly, I'll explain how. You see, as much as I relate to the character in this comic, he ends up with someone in an actual relationship. Now I could see this from 2 viewpoints: 1) My life will go there eventually, it's just a matter of time, 2) The comic went from realistic to total fiction at that point, it'll never happen.
Seeing that guy who is like me in so many ways he might as well be called Sav get laid, not graphically but certainly often, was kinda uncomfortable. Of all the issues in my life, this is no doubt the greatest one. It's also one that literally none of my friends can actually help with. My 2 best friends are guys and I don't swing that way. All the rest isn't interested in even thinking about me that way so that's not even somewhere I'll go with my head.
Someone said to me once 'Your first time should be special, and with someone you love'. Now this statement has been twirling round and round in my head ever since then. Yes, it should be totally true. Special and Love are the key words in that sentence. I've discussed it, and it's repercussions with my friends and we ended up agreeing for an hour that it might be ideal but not realistic. It being special is a non-issue, the first time is always special, no matter how much you fuck up or how crap it was. It'll still be the first time. That brings us to the issue of Love. Do you have to love someone to have sex with them? Is it better when you do? Can you do it without loving someone? The answers to this question are dripping with Western morale and standards. In this day and age, people in a relationship end up having sex waaaay before you can begin to speak of love. It's more like lust at that point in time. Is that a bad thing? Not in my eyes, and not in the eyes of most people I'm betting.
Yet, if this is the standard, then how the hell am I supposed to live up to that? Wait until I actually love someone? What if she doesn't want to wait? What if I don't either? What if I'm waiting for something that doesn't exist and I end up doing nothing at all?
Those are some of the things on my mind when I let it run rampant. And again, can you really blame me for it? Are any of you even remotely in the same position? Let me know how you feel about this particular subject in the comment section. (No need to register, I've enabled anonymous commentary.)
Well folks, that's all for this post. Hope I didn't ramble on too long and that it made some kind of sense. See y'all next time!
Sav
Let's start with assholes shall we... They come in many shapes and sizes, and they are everywhere. I never let them get to me but this particular one hit me where it hurt: my friends. Now I'm not gonna name names or give you every detail of the situation. The person(s) involved will no doubt already know what I'm referencing to. To make a long story short: I was having a great time ingame last night with some good friends in our WoW channel. Everyone joined me in some innocent debauchery and generally pervy jokes that I'd like to call entertainment. Nothing serious even, one might actually say way over the top. I'm not sure what spurned this person's reaction, my attitude and liberal use of sexual innuendo or some other person's willing involvement but that person totally overreacted, causing deliberate discomfort and maybe even pain to one of my friends.
Now I am not one to look to deep into this kinda stuff, it's even happened to me before, but somehow I can't look at this person the same ever again. There are limits to what I can overlook and a pissed off Sav will hold a grudge for a fairly long time. To the others involved it's something that's in the past and even resolved so I won't bring it up again. Just know that some stuff you will remember for a long time.
Second issue on the agenda: comics! Yay, I love me some good comics, especially webcomics. A few days ago a friend linked me to this one: http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=1 It's called 'Questionable Content', a comic that is up to about 1500 something pages already. For someone who doesn't know me, it's a quite accurate depiction of my life. A guy, with nothing going on in his life, low self-esteem and girl issues, and his struggles with the real world. Also included are 'girl he likes but can't say anything to', 'girl that likes him but is put off by his issues', 'best friend who's better at everything' and 'large circle of female friends that he either liked but couldn't act upon his feelings with or who liked him but airdropped him into the friend-zone'. Imagine my surprise when I started reading. The past 2 days I've been reading this comic, to the point of obsession. Hours upon hours do I flick through the pages, recognizing myself in every one of them. This to the point where I start to have actual emotions for and with the characters which is kinda disturbing.
Example: The main character's love interest of the past hooked up the brother of his current girlfriend for casual sex. Now when this happened I literally thought 'oh my god, how can she do that after just turning (the main character) down. How low is that, I hope she gets yelled at by everyone'. Not until a few minutes later did I realize that I was actually ripping on a fictional character. Why you say? I answer with 'projected emotions'. Yes, I was identifying with the main character so much, that I (almost?) thought it was me. I reacted as would've reacted in real life to the same situation. Is it weird or even disturbing? You tell me...
Last topic for this post: Sex. Yes, I know, sex again....can you honestly blame me here? If you've read the essay from my first post (and you bloody well should have!) than you know of my issues with this particular thing. It's related to the second topic slightly, I'll explain how. You see, as much as I relate to the character in this comic, he ends up with someone in an actual relationship. Now I could see this from 2 viewpoints: 1) My life will go there eventually, it's just a matter of time, 2) The comic went from realistic to total fiction at that point, it'll never happen.
Seeing that guy who is like me in so many ways he might as well be called Sav get laid, not graphically but certainly often, was kinda uncomfortable. Of all the issues in my life, this is no doubt the greatest one. It's also one that literally none of my friends can actually help with. My 2 best friends are guys and I don't swing that way. All the rest isn't interested in even thinking about me that way so that's not even somewhere I'll go with my head.
Someone said to me once 'Your first time should be special, and with someone you love'. Now this statement has been twirling round and round in my head ever since then. Yes, it should be totally true. Special and Love are the key words in that sentence. I've discussed it, and it's repercussions with my friends and we ended up agreeing for an hour that it might be ideal but not realistic. It being special is a non-issue, the first time is always special, no matter how much you fuck up or how crap it was. It'll still be the first time. That brings us to the issue of Love. Do you have to love someone to have sex with them? Is it better when you do? Can you do it without loving someone? The answers to this question are dripping with Western morale and standards. In this day and age, people in a relationship end up having sex waaaay before you can begin to speak of love. It's more like lust at that point in time. Is that a bad thing? Not in my eyes, and not in the eyes of most people I'm betting.
Yet, if this is the standard, then how the hell am I supposed to live up to that? Wait until I actually love someone? What if she doesn't want to wait? What if I don't either? What if I'm waiting for something that doesn't exist and I end up doing nothing at all?
Those are some of the things on my mind when I let it run rampant. And again, can you really blame me for it? Are any of you even remotely in the same position? Let me know how you feel about this particular subject in the comment section. (No need to register, I've enabled anonymous commentary.)
Well folks, that's all for this post. Hope I didn't ramble on too long and that it made some kind of sense. See y'all next time!
Sav
21 November 2009
the First time is always the Hardest right?
So after getting over the awkwardness and inhibition of actually starting a blog, the reasons for this to be mentioned later, here I am! I will spare you today with my ramblings but don't fear/hope, they will start in full force any day. All I wanted to say in my inaugural post is mainly thanks to the person who got me this far. You are a fantastic woman, an even greater friend and I can't have anything but love for you right now. Shoutout to Tula!
And on that note, the reason I created this blog in the first place, to post an essay I wrote a couple of days ago as a sort of introspective. It's highly personal but somehow I stopped caring about how people's views would change upon reading it. Draw your own conclusions from it, if you manage to get through the whole thing in one piece. It was supposed to be 1800 words maximum but I ended up on nearly 4000, go figure. Oh, it's also not updated to include the few days in between writing and posting, but that'll be explained another time
All I can say now is, read, enjoy or despair!
The Seven Deadly Sins
and
The Seven Holy Virtues
The 7 Deadly Sins and their counterparts, the 7 Holy Virtues have been around for ages, longer than I care to remember or recite here. The fact is that they still remain today as a sort of standard to which one’s life is measured, to determine one’s good and bad sides.
No longer are they solely tied to the church or religion, their meanings mostly simplified and adapted to the modern Western lifestyle.
I was asked or maybe rather tasked by someone dear to me to sum up these sins and virtues and apply them to myself and my life. As soon as those words reached my brain, my mind started churning and my memory kicked in. For in a not too distant past a similar question was asked to me by a friend. Back then I just thought about it a little and tucked all the results back into the recesses of my consciousness.
Thinking back to the way I applied all 14 to my life as it was then, and the way I would now, I notice there is a significant difference between some of the analyzed repercussions on my current life and lifestyle. Some of the sins and virtues remain exactly the same, but some changed drastically, and not always for the best either. Whenever I bring up one of these explanations, I will try to give a comparison between what they used to mean to me and what they mean to me now.
As usual, being the ordered neat freak I am, I will do this little self-analysis list style. Bullet point by bullet point, giving a short description of the sin/virtue (quoted from the venerable Wikipedia) followed by the impact on my own life and the way I view this personally.
So without further rambling, which I am very good at (yay, complimenting myself), lets get this list started! (God I love lists....)
Lust/Chastity
‘Lust is usually thought of as excessive thoughts or desires of a sexual nature’
‘Giving in to lusts can lead to sexual or sociological compulsions and/or transgressions including (but not limited to) sexual addiction, fornication, adultery, bestiality, rape, perversion, and incest’
‘Chastity is sexual behavior of a man or woman acceptable to the ethical norms and guidelines of a culture, civilization, or religion’
‘In the western world, the term has become closely associated with sexual abstinence, especially before marriage. However, the term remains applicable to persons in all states, single or married, clerical or lay, and has implications beyond sexual temperance’
As you can see above lust is seen as sexual indulgence, often meaning frequent thoughts of sex or frequent acts of sex itself and chastity, its counterpart, usually means staying ‘pure’.
Now everyone that will likely read this will already know of my sexual experiences in life. Seeing as there have been none to this date I can brief about that. I am not ashamed to admit I am a virgin, and I certainly don not hide it. That does however not mean it does not frustrate me or that I am at peace with that fact. If lust means thinking about sex a lot then I’m as lusty as they get.
It is not hard for a woman to excite me in that way nor do I mind. I frequent porn sites of all varieties and niches and sex is my main topic of discussion with most of my friends. I’m not happy that it’s on my mind this much but it cannot be helped. I have plenty free time and boredom often leads to self-indulgence in that particular way.
Is it excessive? I cannot tell you as I have no reference material to speak of, though I have been ‘cutting back’ for a while now. Often I gave in to my desires up to 7 or 8 times a week, but recently that has been reduces to a ‘mere’ 3 or 4 times.
So it is pretty safe to say that lust as a sin is pretty big factor in my current life. Looking back say 8 years ago, this was not the case. Of course it was on my mind, what healthy 15 year old doesn’t think about it. But seeing as in those 8 years nothing has changed for me as far as sexual experiences go, I believe my thoughts have just been ramping up more and more, in anticipation for that much desired ‘first time’.
Even though many people I talk to say it has to be ‘right’ and ‘with someone you love’ I am beginning to believe this will prove impossible once the chance presents itself. It won’t be so much an act of love but a true act of lust, a release of sorts. One that will no doubt be gratifying, even if only for that brief moment.
Chastity on the other hand, with its double meaning, is also a part of me. One might regard my virginity as pureness, though not by choice so this analogy does not hold up. But I do not regard my sexual behavior as deviant or wrong so a degree of chastity is still present within me.
Gluttony/Temperance
‘Gluttony is the over-indulgence and over-consumption of anything to the point of waste’
‘It is considered a sin because of the excessive desire for food, or its withholding from the needy’
‘Temperance is constant mindfulness of others and one's surroundings; practicing self-control, abstention, and moderation’
Food is the thing most commonly associated with the sin of gluttony, for it is the easiest way to quantify it. We have all, at one point or another, eaten more than we could have, or wanted to have, wasted food unnecessarily or indulged in overly expensive meals.
This is not a sin as such, only when this happens more than frequently and also knowingly.
Saying I have overindulged in food would be an overstatement, but I am guilty of eating when I was not hungry. Comfort food I guess it is called, and I needed plenty. Not too long ago I weighed in around 100kg/220lbs. Not only was this bad for my already low self-esteem but also dangerous for my health. All this was caused by a combination of no exercise and abundance of food within arm’s reach. I ate whenever I felt like it, be it regular meals or snacks, everything sufficed. For years I took a trip to the local supermarket every day to stock up on junk foods and other unhealthy stuff. I lived mostly on coke and crisps, cakes and energy drinks.
At the time I did not consider it over-indulgent or wasteful, I just did it, without thinking almost, because at that point in time food was my only comfort.
Since then I have come to realize there are better alternatives to just stuffing myself and I have lost quite a bit of weight due to it, some 20kg/50lbs. So for all the troubles I have had with this sin in the past, it’s become less of an issue for me now that the virtue of temperance has taken over. Which has been a positive thing for me, though I do sometimes think I could lose more weight because there are days I am still not happy with my ‘figure’. It has also been a frequent point of ridicule from other people over the years so it remains a sore spot.
Greed/Charity
‘Greed is, like lust and gluttony, a sin of excess. However, greed is applied to the acquisition of wealth in particular’
‘Charity equals generosity, willingness to give, a nobility of thought or actions’
Greedy paws, clawing their way around, grabbing every bit of cash they can. This is the typical image of the sin Greed, simplified by the popular image of a walking, talking duck with high-hat and spectacles on his bill. In the quest for earthly comfort and indulgence, money is the way to accomplish a lot of things in the Western world. Money talks, money rules the world, time is money. Sayings ingrained in our society so much that greed is almost treated as a virtue rather than a sin. The acquisition of wealth is the driving force behind most people’s lives. Not because they want it to be, but because it has to be.
Money is not the driving force in my life, and I do not want it to be either. If I have enough money to keep up my current lifestyle I am content. I do not need or want extravagant luxury, jewelery or material possessions. I need only what I use on a daily basis and what I can afford. Cash flow has been fairly slow for me up until now, I have not had any serious job and the money earned with chores and temp-work really does not last all that long when considering monthly obligations.
Society however requires you to have luxuries, for it gives you status and respect. And in a way everyone wants to be respected and revered by other people, such is the social nature of man. As I said before, I do not consider myself in need of any extravagance, though when thinking about the prospect of a girlfriend and eventually a wife, this might be required. Of course I would prefer a woman who thinks about this subject in the same way as me, but you can not really choose who you fall for.
Greed is not a particularly strong factor in my life, though I will admit I have done silly things for money in the past. I have stolen a bit of cash here and there, I have bought some things I did not really need or never used. But the ‘more more more’ attitude is not mine luckily.
Concerning charity, I think that I am willing to give to other people. Not only money when considering its sin counterpart but also more than that. Friendship, love, understanding, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on. I would like to consider myself open to the kindness of others, as much willing to receive as to give. Yet for all my willingness I do not have many friends. Over the years I have lost a few and gained even fewer back. I respect and love all my close friends unlike any other person in my life. I would do anything for them, go to hell and back and even give my life for them if I had to. Does that constitute generosity, maybe.
Sloth/Diligence
‘Sloth is the failure to utilize one's talents and gifts’
‘Spiritual or emotional apathy, being physically and emotionally inactive’
‘Laziness and indifference’
‘Wasting due to lack of use, expanding into almost any person, place, thing, skills, or intangible ideal that would require maintenance, refinement, or support to continue to exist’
‘Diligence is a zealous and careful nature in one's actions and work. Decisive work ethic. Budgeting one's time; monitoring one's own activities to guard against laziness’
A sloth, guilty as charged, in every sense of the word possible I am afraid. I guess I had better start from the top and work my way down.
Neglecting one’s talents and gifts. Now I am not one to praise myself to high heaven but if there is one thing I am proud of it is my intellect. I have been subjected to many IQ tests over the years and the results always hovered between 145 and 150. I scored 2nd best of my class in ‘junior high’ and from there one it just went downhill. The intellect itself remained but the drive to use it for any other purpose than what interested me at the time disappeared completely. Many a times have I been criticized for not using the brains I was ‘given’, usually by my parents or teachers. But I cared not, for it did not interest me.
I had, and still have, no clear goal in life, no career, no purpose. So my brains remain underused, criminally so even when considering what I could have accomplished with them already. Whether it is going to be a complete waste or not remains to be seen. Perhaps one day soon I will discover my purpose or a realistic goal worth pursuing.
Which brings me to being physically and emotionally inactive. While my emotions run rampant throughout the days and weeks, physically I am less impressive. My time spent consists mostly of lying in bed, hanging out somewhere or sitting behind my computer. Caused by both a lack of motivation and a lack of reason to actually do something, I did let myself slip as mentioned before. Although I have gotten back into relative shape again, I am not sure whether this will last long should I not find something to do fast. Be that something outgoing or a job of some kind.
Laziness and indifference both tie in well with the words written above, not that I am truly indifferent about all this. I do care, but most of the time not enough to actually try and change my situation. Lack of motivation being the keywords here once more.
When it comes to doing just that one extra thing, that would differentiate between routine and going out of one’s way, I’m usually divided in two. I never mind going to extremes just for that extra bit of anything, as long as I feel confident enough that I can actually achieve it and that I am interested (long) enough to accomplish it.
On a related note, I wonder if writing this essay counts as diligence though. I must admit this does fall into the ‘I can easily do it and it’s fun’ category so maybe it does not necessarily count as not being lazy.
Wrath/Patience
‘Wrath is inordinate and uncontrolled feelings of hatred and anger’
‘Denial of the truth, both to others and in the form of self-denial, impatience with the procedure of law, the desire to seek revenge outside of the workings of the justice system and generally wishing to do evil or harm to others’
‘Patience is forbearance and endurance through moderation. Resolving conflicts peacefully, as opposed to resorting to violence. The ability to forgive; to show mercy’
Anyone who knows me can tell you I’m a generally easygoing individual. Calm and reserved, rarely really angry or spiteful. Mostly because I don’t consider things important enough to get worked up over or because I just can’t be bothered to make a scene.
Every now and then though, something crosses my path that does instill anger within me. Whether that will result in verbal action or a physical manifestation depends on the severity of the situation. Only once did I ever get into what is considered a proper ‘fight’. Hand to hand, eye to eye. A person made me snap and I did what I felt I had to do, even if I ended up at the police station afterwards, it was worth it to protect myself and the bit of self-respect I had at the time.
Verbal arguments occur much more frequently but still not often. When I feel I, or someone I care about deeply, has been wronged in some way I will let myself be known, whatever the consequence may be. And many a time did this end up blowing up in my face with both parties backing off and leaving me to simmer in my own stew of failure.
But I would it all over again if I had to, because I still believe in the causes I defended, regardless of the eventual outcome.
As far as revenge goes, I have never had the opportunity nor the cause to exact it. There have been occasions where I thought I was entitled to revenge or just doing something out of spite but I have almost never acted upon these feelings. And thinking back on them, most of those situations were just plain silly and only infuriating as an ‘in the heat of the moment’ thing.
Envy/Kindness
‘Those who commit the sin of envy resent that another person has something they perceive themselves as lacking, and wish the other person to be deprived of it’
‘Sorrow for another’s good’
‘Kindness equals compassion, friendship, and empathy without prejudice and for its own sake’
Envy is also known as jealousy. I am certainly guilty of giving in to this sin. Though I do not like to admit it, I am jealous a lot, more than people know actually. My desire for a certain object or person runs deep and any other person I perceive as being involved with this object/person, perhaps even lowering my chances of gaining ‘access’ to it, will be demonized in my mind to justify my ill feelings towards them.
This never manifests itself in any shape or form than just thoughts and feelings and I rarely let someone know I’m jealous of them or something they have.
Yet I experience these feelings on a daily basis and it makes me feel guilty, for I am not really a bad person. I do not wish really harm to anyone or anything but for some reason envy makes me do things I would not normally do.
Things I am jealous of range from possessions, relationships, virtual goods or accomplishments and actual persons. In fact, most of the people reading this will fall or have fallen in the above categories at one time or another.
I am not saying this to scare you off but it is a given I feel like this on many occasions.
As to why I have these feelings so frequently, I can only speculate. Am I really that greedy that I wish harm to people who have an object I desire? Am I that lonely that I wish people disappear from my life so I can have personal time with another person? Plenty reasons to put down and plenty answers as well. But those will have to be answered in my ‘next big piece’.
The fact remains that I am an extremely jealous person, even if I barely show it to others.
Kindness, the opposite of envy in the context of sins and virtues, I think is present in me, though I can not judge in what kind of capacity or measure. As I said before, I am not good at either complimenting myself or taking compliments from others. Yet I always try to stay on peoples’ good sides, avoid conflict when I can and keep calm in the face of whatever situation arises. Lately though a lot has been happening in my life that has taken its toll on me. I feel that in the wake of every single occurrence of tragedy or downfall I lose a bit of my kindness, which hurts to even think about. I wish to remain a nice guy, a good guy, someone who can be relied upon. One of my biggest fears is that people will turn their back on me for not being kind enough, even when the situation does not lend itself to being treated with subtlety.
Pride/Humility
‘Pride is a desire to be more important or attractive than others, failing to acknowledge the good work of others, and excessive love of self’
‘Love of self, perverted to hatred and contempt for one's neighbour’
‘Humility consists of modest behavior, selflessness, and the giving of respect. Giving credit where credit is due; not unfairly glorifying one's own self’
The sin of all sins and the virtue of all virtues, the source of the other 6 on each side and the most ‘general’ ones. Its meaning is tied to all previous sins and virtues and encompasses all that can be considered bad or good within a person.
Pride can be a good thing but not when taken to the limit of its meaning. Being proud of one’s self and one’s accomplishments is basic nature to man, even going as far as to (slightly) diminish the achievements of others to make one’s self look or feel better. When taking this kind of pride to far one enters the realm of sins like Envy and Wrath. Purposefully bringing harm to another person or object to hide one’s own insecurities or ill feelings.
As I have mentioned before, Envy is one of my most ‘obvious’ sins but rarely does this jealousy stem from pride. This for the simple reason that my self-esteem, self-worth and self-respect are below average, maybe even unusually low or non-existent. Pride almost never gets in my way because I have none. I feel none of my actions, behaviors, opinions, utterings, ramblings or even my appearances are noteworthy.
My very low value of self comes from a long history of physical and emotional ‘neglect’, ‘abuse’ and ‘harassment’. From a very early age on, up to my last year in high school, I have been the subject of bullies, name callers, and generally angry people who were looking for a weak guy to beat up so they could feel better. I have rarely, if ever, been praised by anyone for any accomplishments I have made, which led to me just not trying anymore.
When people keep pointing out your flaws, over and over again, they get ingrained in your mind to the point where you believe you are a flawed without doubting them anymore. After all it’s easier to let people walk over you than stand up for yourself. Even now that I have been relatively at ease, I still carry these feelings of being a lesser person than everyone else.
Constantly I try to prove myself, make new friends and keep them, do whatever it takes to hold on to them to the point where I end up not even considering my own well being anymore.
You could call it devotion, you could also call it insanity but most of all you can consider it humility. Especially the part where it changes into selflessness.
With the 7th sin and virtue explored, I think I have given a fair view of myself, my thoughts, my actions and my inner workings. Of course there is much more to me than just these 7 bullet points but this is not meant as an overview of my life of any sorts. It is more like a peek into the being called ‘Sav’.
Chances are that you, while reading this, have adjusted, changed or maybe just confirmed your existing opinions of me. Any and all things I have written down in this essay are the truth, whether you can accept it or not.
I am and will always be open to conversation about all of the above, be it criticism or just plain curiosity. I would also like to thank you, and perhaps even praise you, for enduring my ramblings to this degree.
Regards,
Sav
And on that note, the reason I created this blog in the first place, to post an essay I wrote a couple of days ago as a sort of introspective. It's highly personal but somehow I stopped caring about how people's views would change upon reading it. Draw your own conclusions from it, if you manage to get through the whole thing in one piece. It was supposed to be 1800 words maximum but I ended up on nearly 4000, go figure. Oh, it's also not updated to include the few days in between writing and posting, but that'll be explained another time
All I can say now is, read, enjoy or despair!
The Seven Deadly Sins
and
The Seven Holy Virtues
The 7 Deadly Sins and their counterparts, the 7 Holy Virtues have been around for ages, longer than I care to remember or recite here. The fact is that they still remain today as a sort of standard to which one’s life is measured, to determine one’s good and bad sides.
No longer are they solely tied to the church or religion, their meanings mostly simplified and adapted to the modern Western lifestyle.
I was asked or maybe rather tasked by someone dear to me to sum up these sins and virtues and apply them to myself and my life. As soon as those words reached my brain, my mind started churning and my memory kicked in. For in a not too distant past a similar question was asked to me by a friend. Back then I just thought about it a little and tucked all the results back into the recesses of my consciousness.
Thinking back to the way I applied all 14 to my life as it was then, and the way I would now, I notice there is a significant difference between some of the analyzed repercussions on my current life and lifestyle. Some of the sins and virtues remain exactly the same, but some changed drastically, and not always for the best either. Whenever I bring up one of these explanations, I will try to give a comparison between what they used to mean to me and what they mean to me now.
As usual, being the ordered neat freak I am, I will do this little self-analysis list style. Bullet point by bullet point, giving a short description of the sin/virtue (quoted from the venerable Wikipedia) followed by the impact on my own life and the way I view this personally.
So without further rambling, which I am very good at (yay, complimenting myself), lets get this list started! (God I love lists....)
Lust/Chastity
‘Lust is usually thought of as excessive thoughts or desires of a sexual nature’
‘Giving in to lusts can lead to sexual or sociological compulsions and/or transgressions including (but not limited to) sexual addiction, fornication, adultery, bestiality, rape, perversion, and incest’
‘Chastity is sexual behavior of a man or woman acceptable to the ethical norms and guidelines of a culture, civilization, or religion’
‘In the western world, the term has become closely associated with sexual abstinence, especially before marriage. However, the term remains applicable to persons in all states, single or married, clerical or lay, and has implications beyond sexual temperance’
As you can see above lust is seen as sexual indulgence, often meaning frequent thoughts of sex or frequent acts of sex itself and chastity, its counterpart, usually means staying ‘pure’.
Now everyone that will likely read this will already know of my sexual experiences in life. Seeing as there have been none to this date I can brief about that. I am not ashamed to admit I am a virgin, and I certainly don not hide it. That does however not mean it does not frustrate me or that I am at peace with that fact. If lust means thinking about sex a lot then I’m as lusty as they get.
It is not hard for a woman to excite me in that way nor do I mind. I frequent porn sites of all varieties and niches and sex is my main topic of discussion with most of my friends. I’m not happy that it’s on my mind this much but it cannot be helped. I have plenty free time and boredom often leads to self-indulgence in that particular way.
Is it excessive? I cannot tell you as I have no reference material to speak of, though I have been ‘cutting back’ for a while now. Often I gave in to my desires up to 7 or 8 times a week, but recently that has been reduces to a ‘mere’ 3 or 4 times.
So it is pretty safe to say that lust as a sin is pretty big factor in my current life. Looking back say 8 years ago, this was not the case. Of course it was on my mind, what healthy 15 year old doesn’t think about it. But seeing as in those 8 years nothing has changed for me as far as sexual experiences go, I believe my thoughts have just been ramping up more and more, in anticipation for that much desired ‘first time’.
Even though many people I talk to say it has to be ‘right’ and ‘with someone you love’ I am beginning to believe this will prove impossible once the chance presents itself. It won’t be so much an act of love but a true act of lust, a release of sorts. One that will no doubt be gratifying, even if only for that brief moment.
Chastity on the other hand, with its double meaning, is also a part of me. One might regard my virginity as pureness, though not by choice so this analogy does not hold up. But I do not regard my sexual behavior as deviant or wrong so a degree of chastity is still present within me.
Gluttony/Temperance
‘Gluttony is the over-indulgence and over-consumption of anything to the point of waste’
‘It is considered a sin because of the excessive desire for food, or its withholding from the needy’
‘Temperance is constant mindfulness of others and one's surroundings; practicing self-control, abstention, and moderation’
Food is the thing most commonly associated with the sin of gluttony, for it is the easiest way to quantify it. We have all, at one point or another, eaten more than we could have, or wanted to have, wasted food unnecessarily or indulged in overly expensive meals.
This is not a sin as such, only when this happens more than frequently and also knowingly.
Saying I have overindulged in food would be an overstatement, but I am guilty of eating when I was not hungry. Comfort food I guess it is called, and I needed plenty. Not too long ago I weighed in around 100kg/220lbs. Not only was this bad for my already low self-esteem but also dangerous for my health. All this was caused by a combination of no exercise and abundance of food within arm’s reach. I ate whenever I felt like it, be it regular meals or snacks, everything sufficed. For years I took a trip to the local supermarket every day to stock up on junk foods and other unhealthy stuff. I lived mostly on coke and crisps, cakes and energy drinks.
At the time I did not consider it over-indulgent or wasteful, I just did it, without thinking almost, because at that point in time food was my only comfort.
Since then I have come to realize there are better alternatives to just stuffing myself and I have lost quite a bit of weight due to it, some 20kg/50lbs. So for all the troubles I have had with this sin in the past, it’s become less of an issue for me now that the virtue of temperance has taken over. Which has been a positive thing for me, though I do sometimes think I could lose more weight because there are days I am still not happy with my ‘figure’. It has also been a frequent point of ridicule from other people over the years so it remains a sore spot.
Greed/Charity
‘Greed is, like lust and gluttony, a sin of excess. However, greed is applied to the acquisition of wealth in particular’
‘Charity equals generosity, willingness to give, a nobility of thought or actions’
Greedy paws, clawing their way around, grabbing every bit of cash they can. This is the typical image of the sin Greed, simplified by the popular image of a walking, talking duck with high-hat and spectacles on his bill. In the quest for earthly comfort and indulgence, money is the way to accomplish a lot of things in the Western world. Money talks, money rules the world, time is money. Sayings ingrained in our society so much that greed is almost treated as a virtue rather than a sin. The acquisition of wealth is the driving force behind most people’s lives. Not because they want it to be, but because it has to be.
Money is not the driving force in my life, and I do not want it to be either. If I have enough money to keep up my current lifestyle I am content. I do not need or want extravagant luxury, jewelery or material possessions. I need only what I use on a daily basis and what I can afford. Cash flow has been fairly slow for me up until now, I have not had any serious job and the money earned with chores and temp-work really does not last all that long when considering monthly obligations.
Society however requires you to have luxuries, for it gives you status and respect. And in a way everyone wants to be respected and revered by other people, such is the social nature of man. As I said before, I do not consider myself in need of any extravagance, though when thinking about the prospect of a girlfriend and eventually a wife, this might be required. Of course I would prefer a woman who thinks about this subject in the same way as me, but you can not really choose who you fall for.
Greed is not a particularly strong factor in my life, though I will admit I have done silly things for money in the past. I have stolen a bit of cash here and there, I have bought some things I did not really need or never used. But the ‘more more more’ attitude is not mine luckily.
Concerning charity, I think that I am willing to give to other people. Not only money when considering its sin counterpart but also more than that. Friendship, love, understanding, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on. I would like to consider myself open to the kindness of others, as much willing to receive as to give. Yet for all my willingness I do not have many friends. Over the years I have lost a few and gained even fewer back. I respect and love all my close friends unlike any other person in my life. I would do anything for them, go to hell and back and even give my life for them if I had to. Does that constitute generosity, maybe.
Sloth/Diligence
‘Sloth is the failure to utilize one's talents and gifts’
‘Spiritual or emotional apathy, being physically and emotionally inactive’
‘Laziness and indifference’
‘Wasting due to lack of use, expanding into almost any person, place, thing, skills, or intangible ideal that would require maintenance, refinement, or support to continue to exist’
‘Diligence is a zealous and careful nature in one's actions and work. Decisive work ethic. Budgeting one's time; monitoring one's own activities to guard against laziness’
A sloth, guilty as charged, in every sense of the word possible I am afraid. I guess I had better start from the top and work my way down.
Neglecting one’s talents and gifts. Now I am not one to praise myself to high heaven but if there is one thing I am proud of it is my intellect. I have been subjected to many IQ tests over the years and the results always hovered between 145 and 150. I scored 2nd best of my class in ‘junior high’ and from there one it just went downhill. The intellect itself remained but the drive to use it for any other purpose than what interested me at the time disappeared completely. Many a times have I been criticized for not using the brains I was ‘given’, usually by my parents or teachers. But I cared not, for it did not interest me.
I had, and still have, no clear goal in life, no career, no purpose. So my brains remain underused, criminally so even when considering what I could have accomplished with them already. Whether it is going to be a complete waste or not remains to be seen. Perhaps one day soon I will discover my purpose or a realistic goal worth pursuing.
Which brings me to being physically and emotionally inactive. While my emotions run rampant throughout the days and weeks, physically I am less impressive. My time spent consists mostly of lying in bed, hanging out somewhere or sitting behind my computer. Caused by both a lack of motivation and a lack of reason to actually do something, I did let myself slip as mentioned before. Although I have gotten back into relative shape again, I am not sure whether this will last long should I not find something to do fast. Be that something outgoing or a job of some kind.
Laziness and indifference both tie in well with the words written above, not that I am truly indifferent about all this. I do care, but most of the time not enough to actually try and change my situation. Lack of motivation being the keywords here once more.
When it comes to doing just that one extra thing, that would differentiate between routine and going out of one’s way, I’m usually divided in two. I never mind going to extremes just for that extra bit of anything, as long as I feel confident enough that I can actually achieve it and that I am interested (long) enough to accomplish it.
On a related note, I wonder if writing this essay counts as diligence though. I must admit this does fall into the ‘I can easily do it and it’s fun’ category so maybe it does not necessarily count as not being lazy.
Wrath/Patience
‘Wrath is inordinate and uncontrolled feelings of hatred and anger’
‘Denial of the truth, both to others and in the form of self-denial, impatience with the procedure of law, the desire to seek revenge outside of the workings of the justice system and generally wishing to do evil or harm to others’
‘Patience is forbearance and endurance through moderation. Resolving conflicts peacefully, as opposed to resorting to violence. The ability to forgive; to show mercy’
Anyone who knows me can tell you I’m a generally easygoing individual. Calm and reserved, rarely really angry or spiteful. Mostly because I don’t consider things important enough to get worked up over or because I just can’t be bothered to make a scene.
Every now and then though, something crosses my path that does instill anger within me. Whether that will result in verbal action or a physical manifestation depends on the severity of the situation. Only once did I ever get into what is considered a proper ‘fight’. Hand to hand, eye to eye. A person made me snap and I did what I felt I had to do, even if I ended up at the police station afterwards, it was worth it to protect myself and the bit of self-respect I had at the time.
Verbal arguments occur much more frequently but still not often. When I feel I, or someone I care about deeply, has been wronged in some way I will let myself be known, whatever the consequence may be. And many a time did this end up blowing up in my face with both parties backing off and leaving me to simmer in my own stew of failure.
But I would it all over again if I had to, because I still believe in the causes I defended, regardless of the eventual outcome.
As far as revenge goes, I have never had the opportunity nor the cause to exact it. There have been occasions where I thought I was entitled to revenge or just doing something out of spite but I have almost never acted upon these feelings. And thinking back on them, most of those situations were just plain silly and only infuriating as an ‘in the heat of the moment’ thing.
Envy/Kindness
‘Those who commit the sin of envy resent that another person has something they perceive themselves as lacking, and wish the other person to be deprived of it’
‘Sorrow for another’s good’
‘Kindness equals compassion, friendship, and empathy without prejudice and for its own sake’
Envy is also known as jealousy. I am certainly guilty of giving in to this sin. Though I do not like to admit it, I am jealous a lot, more than people know actually. My desire for a certain object or person runs deep and any other person I perceive as being involved with this object/person, perhaps even lowering my chances of gaining ‘access’ to it, will be demonized in my mind to justify my ill feelings towards them.
This never manifests itself in any shape or form than just thoughts and feelings and I rarely let someone know I’m jealous of them or something they have.
Yet I experience these feelings on a daily basis and it makes me feel guilty, for I am not really a bad person. I do not wish really harm to anyone or anything but for some reason envy makes me do things I would not normally do.
Things I am jealous of range from possessions, relationships, virtual goods or accomplishments and actual persons. In fact, most of the people reading this will fall or have fallen in the above categories at one time or another.
I am not saying this to scare you off but it is a given I feel like this on many occasions.
As to why I have these feelings so frequently, I can only speculate. Am I really that greedy that I wish harm to people who have an object I desire? Am I that lonely that I wish people disappear from my life so I can have personal time with another person? Plenty reasons to put down and plenty answers as well. But those will have to be answered in my ‘next big piece’.
The fact remains that I am an extremely jealous person, even if I barely show it to others.
Kindness, the opposite of envy in the context of sins and virtues, I think is present in me, though I can not judge in what kind of capacity or measure. As I said before, I am not good at either complimenting myself or taking compliments from others. Yet I always try to stay on peoples’ good sides, avoid conflict when I can and keep calm in the face of whatever situation arises. Lately though a lot has been happening in my life that has taken its toll on me. I feel that in the wake of every single occurrence of tragedy or downfall I lose a bit of my kindness, which hurts to even think about. I wish to remain a nice guy, a good guy, someone who can be relied upon. One of my biggest fears is that people will turn their back on me for not being kind enough, even when the situation does not lend itself to being treated with subtlety.
Pride/Humility
‘Pride is a desire to be more important or attractive than others, failing to acknowledge the good work of others, and excessive love of self’
‘Love of self, perverted to hatred and contempt for one's neighbour’
‘Humility consists of modest behavior, selflessness, and the giving of respect. Giving credit where credit is due; not unfairly glorifying one's own self’
The sin of all sins and the virtue of all virtues, the source of the other 6 on each side and the most ‘general’ ones. Its meaning is tied to all previous sins and virtues and encompasses all that can be considered bad or good within a person.
Pride can be a good thing but not when taken to the limit of its meaning. Being proud of one’s self and one’s accomplishments is basic nature to man, even going as far as to (slightly) diminish the achievements of others to make one’s self look or feel better. When taking this kind of pride to far one enters the realm of sins like Envy and Wrath. Purposefully bringing harm to another person or object to hide one’s own insecurities or ill feelings.
As I have mentioned before, Envy is one of my most ‘obvious’ sins but rarely does this jealousy stem from pride. This for the simple reason that my self-esteem, self-worth and self-respect are below average, maybe even unusually low or non-existent. Pride almost never gets in my way because I have none. I feel none of my actions, behaviors, opinions, utterings, ramblings or even my appearances are noteworthy.
My very low value of self comes from a long history of physical and emotional ‘neglect’, ‘abuse’ and ‘harassment’. From a very early age on, up to my last year in high school, I have been the subject of bullies, name callers, and generally angry people who were looking for a weak guy to beat up so they could feel better. I have rarely, if ever, been praised by anyone for any accomplishments I have made, which led to me just not trying anymore.
When people keep pointing out your flaws, over and over again, they get ingrained in your mind to the point where you believe you are a flawed without doubting them anymore. After all it’s easier to let people walk over you than stand up for yourself. Even now that I have been relatively at ease, I still carry these feelings of being a lesser person than everyone else.
Constantly I try to prove myself, make new friends and keep them, do whatever it takes to hold on to them to the point where I end up not even considering my own well being anymore.
You could call it devotion, you could also call it insanity but most of all you can consider it humility. Especially the part where it changes into selflessness.
With the 7th sin and virtue explored, I think I have given a fair view of myself, my thoughts, my actions and my inner workings. Of course there is much more to me than just these 7 bullet points but this is not meant as an overview of my life of any sorts. It is more like a peek into the being called ‘Sav’.
Chances are that you, while reading this, have adjusted, changed or maybe just confirmed your existing opinions of me. Any and all things I have written down in this essay are the truth, whether you can accept it or not.
I am and will always be open to conversation about all of the above, be it criticism or just plain curiosity. I would also like to thank you, and perhaps even praise you, for enduring my ramblings to this degree.
Regards,
Sav
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