2009, going on 2010

So the year is almost over, thank god. Out of the 23 something years on this rock '09 ranks among the top 3 shittiest years I've lived to see. Christmas doesn't really make up for it either, every time I hope for the best against my better judgement.

First Day of Christmas is when I take my yearly trip to church with my father. Call it...tradition. I'm not religious in any way so I'm not going there to hear that dude in the white dress talk about the Mighty Lord. I use that 2 hours on an uncomfortable wooden bench to reflect on the past year. What better place to do that then a huge stone cave with no sounds (or heating, Jesus didn't take kindly to fireplaces).

Oh-Nine has been a total shithole for me, save one or two things. Got booted from school, couldn't find a job, lost some important people, hospital a few times, that nasty accident my mom had for the 3rd time and Christmas horror to top it off.

Only lights in the darkness: some people I met online, especially that one person who keeps distracting my thoughts, and...well..that's it..

I might not be alone, probably never have been, but I sure as hell am damn lonely. If anyone wants to convince me otherwise, you'll have a hard time. My heart is easily reached but my head is not. Even when good things do happen I keep wondering if it's not a mistake, meant for someone else. It's hard to accept true happiness after everything that's been unloaded on to me. Yes, I know some people's stories make mine look like Disneyland but that doesn't negate the personal impacts these things keep having. To me it's still a very dark time, even with all the Christmas lights adorning the streets.

Every year I visit my family on Second Christmas Day and every year they manage to stab that knife a little deeper. This year I swore I wouldn't go but saying I got pressured into going would be an understatement. All the standard cliches were smacked upon the table and in my face, every single flaw in my life dragged out onto the streets and beaten like a long dead horse. Every negative aspect in my life magnified and judged by people who don't have clue what the hell they're talking about.
The urge to reach over the table and strangle them has long since been taken over by just sitting lifelessly on a chair, taking the shower of crap before returning home and drinking myself into a beer-induced coma. So apologies if all this seems somewhat pessimistic, the boozing has already started.

About 5 more days left in this horrible year, and once again I'm hoping they turn out for the best, so I can at least close it off with some dignity and hope that the next one will better somehow. At least I won't be home on New Years Eve, I'll be elsewhere. Hopefully somewhere where I can lay 2009 to rest with someone who does care, though that is out of my control.

For now, I'll be sitting here in this chair until I either fall over or until the sun rises again so I can go to bed.


Sav out