White Snow, Black Night

So I wake up and it's all white outside. Should've been expecting it since the snow-warnings were all over the news last night but in a slight hint of pessimism I figured it wouldn't snow this early. Until I realizes of course that it's already one week from Christmas >.<

All that aside, it's been another eventful week, nice emotional instability issues and the lot as usual. But, I wouldn't be writing here should they not be resolved already in a quite fulfilling manner.

The past weekend I royally fucked up, everyone in on this would agree. However, I'd say that we've moved past this and the things that caused it to come out on the other side stronger and better. I know it's not a new year yet, but I've already started on my own resolution for '10: grow some more bloody spine.
For years my own insecurities have been weighing me down, holding me back. Though some of the issues causing them are still here, I feel that I can overcome them. Not on my own but definitely with the people that care for me, which turns out to be more than I imagined really.

Therefore, my resolution will be to start acting more like me. It sounds a bit dodgy but what I mean by that is that I'm going to put effort into opening up more, not just online but face to face with other people. I can't and won't be that carpet anymore that people use to wipe their feet on, as happened last night.

I'll give a short rundown of the story. A bunch of people dragged me off to help them even though I didn't plan to, or had the time and will to. But, eternally nice guy couldn't say no and agreed to tag along. They ended up repaying me by saying I was worthless, crap and generally useless. Yeah, that's exactly what I wanted to hear after helping them out....

So fuck that and fuck them basically, I'm through being the nice guy just for the sake of being nice and wanting to be appreciated. If you don't like me because I happened to not be able to help out then too bad.
Now I'm not saying I'm going to be acting like some rampant jerk all of a sudden, because I still greatly enjoy helping others out and socializing online but if I don't feel like it, then you can expect a 'no' from now on.

Now you're probably wondering (nah, probably not) where all this suddenly came from. Where else but from the person I really care deeply about. She knows she's still on my mind and in my heart and I want to thank her for helping me on this path even though she might not know she has.
The last say...3 months have been a big period of change for me, both mentally and physically (no I did not hit puberty >.>). I want to work on being a better me and not just for myself but for everyone else. And even though I might still be at a loss sometimes as to what step to take next, I know I will get there eventually.

Oh and if you were still doubting: NO, I haven't given up on you yet. YES, I still want you. YES, I am sure. YES, I know you're in a rough spot. NO, I will not walk away easily and silently...not anymore. YES, I AM looking forward to taking you in my arms again, this time as myself, and make you feel like you can bury your head in chest and build on me like it's supposed to.

I ain't dead yet bitches!!