'You think too much' is what I hear all too often from my friends and loved ones. A strange thing to say in a way, how is thinking bad? Over-thinking, perhaps, though I'm pretty sure that's what they mean by it anyways. I'd like to share one of these 'over-thoughts' with you for the sole reason that I'd like to write one down for a change.
I saw a movie today, with my best friend Tim, called 'Into the Wild'. Without going too deep into this 143 minute movie, I'll give you a broad overview of the story.
Guy is 'unhappy' with his life. He graduated from college because his parents and society expect it from him, he seem normal on the outside but he's not due to things from his past and his family life. He decides to leave. Not just his home but everything. He become a tramp, a drifter. His final goal is to arrive in Alaska, in the wild, to be alone and think about all the philosophical things he read in his books during his tween life.
On the way, he meets different kinds of people, some teach him things, some he teaches things. An aging hippie couple that lost their son, a teenage girl with a brain but no future, an elderly man that has given up hope, a scamming but goodhearted farmer, a Danish couple on a road trip. They all experience truly happy moments with the guy but he leaves them to head to his final goal.
Once there, he lives in the wild for some months, his journey haven taken him away from home for almost 2 years now. He tries to live off the wild and marginally succeeds and the tranquility gives him the peace he wants. On his last day, on earth it turns out, he discovers he's been living off of a poisonous root for some weeks which eventually gives him delusions and having weakened and starved him to the extent he can't go for help anymore. Moments before he takes his final breath, he laments his 'happiness', having found out through his journey that "happiness isn't real unless it's shared".
Food for thought you might say... And so it is for me. What is happiness, why do people have it and need it. Tying into that age old question 'why are we here' or more specifically, why am I here...
In the 10 minutes it took me ride home from my friend on my bike, this is what I figured:
Am I here to make myself happy? That can't be it. If my only purpose was to make myself happy, than I am a sort of contradiction. If I live to make only myself happy, than me not living wouldn't make a difference. Because, if I don't live, I don't have to make myself happy so there's no reason for me to live. So that can't be it.
Am I here then, to make someone else happy? That would mean the only reason for living would be to find someone else that is happy when I'm there. So if I didn't find that someone, that would mean both me and that other person were alive for no reason since that other person must live to make me happy. Even better, what if only one person made the other happy and not the other way around? Would one person be unnecessary? Only being there to validate the other's life? Meh..that can't be it...
So it must be a combination of those two. We are here to find happiness, not just for ourselves but for others as well. There is after all no way to be happy with someone or be the happiness in someone's life if you are not happy with yourself. On the flip-side, only making yourself happy serves no purpose. You wouldn't serve a purpose.
What I'm basically saying is, find happiness where you can. Don't try to find it far away, reaching for an impossible goal or hoping for something to come that will make it happen. Recognize it when it's right there in front of you, grab it with both hands, don't question but embrace it.
In the end, where happiness comes from doesn't matter. All that matters is that you have found it and it has found you. Don't let it slip away...
8 October 2011
28 August 2011
Shadows and Snow
To contrast my previous post, all I can think about right now (or whenever really) is how much I like for it to be winter again. I like the winter, more than any of the other 3 seasons.
Summer is too hot and sweaty, it's light outside for far too long as well.
Spring is too green and bouncy and, at least over here, too wet.
Autumn is too...brown. And maybe red and orange...also, too wet.
Winter, I love winter and everything about it. Minimal daylight, it's pitch black when I get up out of bed and it's pitch black when I go to sleep. I walk the streets under the soulless dampened lights from above with the cold harsh wind trying to chill my bones. Sitting in the bus to school, all I can see outside is the dark and the concessional light from passing cars.
But, most of all, I love the weather. It rarely rains, which is special for this country.
And some days, maybe 4 or 5 total when we're lucky, we get snow. The coldness, the darkness, it makes me smile. Wintertime makes me happy to bring out the thick coat hanging in the closet and putting it on, tucking my hands deep in my soft pockets, tilting my head down slightly to catch the warm air coming from my collar and just walking.
Walking, anywhere, anytime, just to be outside and enjoying it all. Always in the shadow but also in the bleak sun overhead.
I can't wait for the thermometer to dip below 5 degrees or even 0. That is my time of the year!
Summer is too hot and sweaty, it's light outside for far too long as well.
Spring is too green and bouncy and, at least over here, too wet.
Autumn is too...brown. And maybe red and orange...also, too wet.
Winter, I love winter and everything about it. Minimal daylight, it's pitch black when I get up out of bed and it's pitch black when I go to sleep. I walk the streets under the soulless dampened lights from above with the cold harsh wind trying to chill my bones. Sitting in the bus to school, all I can see outside is the dark and the concessional light from passing cars.
But, most of all, I love the weather. It rarely rains, which is special for this country.
And some days, maybe 4 or 5 total when we're lucky, we get snow. The coldness, the darkness, it makes me smile. Wintertime makes me happy to bring out the thick coat hanging in the closet and putting it on, tucking my hands deep in my soft pockets, tilting my head down slightly to catch the warm air coming from my collar and just walking.
Walking, anywhere, anytime, just to be outside and enjoying it all. Always in the shadow but also in the bleak sun overhead.
I can't wait for the thermometer to dip below 5 degrees or even 0. That is my time of the year!
6 August 2011
Summer summer summertime!
It's been a long time since we've had a summer this nice over here, that I can remember. Usually I don't care much for sunshine and hot weather and all that, it makes me sweaty and overheating isn't my favorite sport really. I prefer staying indoors, darkening the window, putting on my fan and enjoying a cool beverage. Or better yet, the day that winter finally arrives.
This year is different for a few reasons. Less things to worry about and more things to enjoy. It's actually kinda nice to take a walk outside just before noon, when it's already nice and warm from the sunshine on my back but not so much that I get tanned or anything.
Tomorrow I'm leaving for my 3rd international journey ever. After Poland and Germany, it's Sweden this time. I'd say I was gonna play tourist and enjoy the country (which I will) but we all know I'm going there to be with my lovely Jo! Finally I'm gonna see her again, it's been too long. It's always too long since the last visit...
We both know an LDR is tough. It's hard work and it taxes you to the limit. What is worse than seeing your loved one every day but not being able to touch her? Hearing her every day but never having her whisper those 3 little words in your ears? Seeing her pick up cups, pens and plates but never being able to have her touch you?
It's murder but knowing that I get to spend 6 days with her this week makes up for all that. It makes our real time together extra special. Every bit of love we feel gets poured into our time together and it is always amazing to have. Soon, very soon, we'll have our cake and eat it too. It's just a while longer to withstand all of the above before we can be together as much as we want.
Holidays...they're almost over too. When I get back it'll be about 2-3 more weeks before school starts again. First with some kind of camp for students. Looking forward to spending 3 days with lots of drunken people I don't know..not really. But it's part of the bonding thing and who knows, it might turn out to be kinda fun.
After that, 2nd year of college and the hard work and long days start again. Good thing I know what I'm doing it all for or I'd get bored again and quit.
Anyways, enough rambling for one post, time to go light the BBQ. Yummy meat and choco-bananas await!
This year is different for a few reasons. Less things to worry about and more things to enjoy. It's actually kinda nice to take a walk outside just before noon, when it's already nice and warm from the sunshine on my back but not so much that I get tanned or anything.
Tomorrow I'm leaving for my 3rd international journey ever. After Poland and Germany, it's Sweden this time. I'd say I was gonna play tourist and enjoy the country (which I will) but we all know I'm going there to be with my lovely Jo! Finally I'm gonna see her again, it's been too long. It's always too long since the last visit...
We both know an LDR is tough. It's hard work and it taxes you to the limit. What is worse than seeing your loved one every day but not being able to touch her? Hearing her every day but never having her whisper those 3 little words in your ears? Seeing her pick up cups, pens and plates but never being able to have her touch you?
It's murder but knowing that I get to spend 6 days with her this week makes up for all that. It makes our real time together extra special. Every bit of love we feel gets poured into our time together and it is always amazing to have. Soon, very soon, we'll have our cake and eat it too. It's just a while longer to withstand all of the above before we can be together as much as we want.
Holidays...they're almost over too. When I get back it'll be about 2-3 more weeks before school starts again. First with some kind of camp for students. Looking forward to spending 3 days with lots of drunken people I don't know..not really. But it's part of the bonding thing and who knows, it might turn out to be kinda fun.
After that, 2nd year of college and the hard work and long days start again. Good thing I know what I'm doing it all for or I'd get bored again and quit.
Anyways, enough rambling for one post, time to go light the BBQ. Yummy meat and choco-bananas await!
2 June 2011
Elitist Jerk vs Devoted Husband
It has recently come to my attention, or rather, hit me in the face like a football shot from a cannon, that I sometimes become more elitist than a Blood Elf on crack. I mean Bloodthistle...
I hadn't really noticed up until a few days ago. No wait, I had noticed but pretended it wasn't me and put it back in the box telling myself I wasn't doing it on purpose. Once in a while, when faced with situations that can potentially make me come across as smart, funny, helpful or knowledgeable, I pop into elitist mode.
Everything I say and do comes out as cocky, I brag about everything and I give advice where it's not needed with a hint of sarcasm and patronizing condescension.
Now let me just start by saying I don't mean to come across as rude, nor do I wish to make anyone feel inferior or dumb. My theory on this, and I've no idea if it's right or just me making excuses again, is that it's because of my environment and upbringing.
See, I'm told that I have to be proud of what I can do and what I know, but not all the time. Only when it is appropriate to mention it, or when it can be of help. I'm not all that good at anything really so when there is something I know I can help out with or provide information on, I jump on it like crazy.
And that's when it usually goes too far.... People don't always want that or appreciate that and on more than one occasion it hurt people's feelings.
I'm not allowed to say sorry for things I didn't intentionally do but...I'm sorry! I get so caught up in my moment of pride, of thinking 'hey! I know something about this, I'd like to let people know I do!' that it all just kinda flies forward at too fast a speed.
Another thing to work on in the never-ending process of building the suitable me. Not that I'm not suitable already, I know at least one person who thinks I'm plenty suitable already and I love her to bits, not in the least for bringing the above flaw to my attention.
Speaking of which, at the time of writing I only have to wait 13 more days to see her again! 13 being my lucky number but not so much this time, wish it was only 1 day or, even better, 1 hour. Doesn't matter though, I'm thrilled she's chosen to come back to me and spend 8 days here so we can enjoy each other again.
And enjoy we will. People who've known me a bit longer will no doubt see that I'm holding back not to put forth profanity and sexual innuendo coupled with graphic imagery that would make Charlie Sheen look like the Pope.
Yes, I'm deeply in love with my Johanna and it's no secret that I love her sharp mind as much as I do her luscious body. Mmmmh...yeah.....*drools*
Right, 13 more days, can't wait!
I hadn't really noticed up until a few days ago. No wait, I had noticed but pretended it wasn't me and put it back in the box telling myself I wasn't doing it on purpose. Once in a while, when faced with situations that can potentially make me come across as smart, funny, helpful or knowledgeable, I pop into elitist mode.
Everything I say and do comes out as cocky, I brag about everything and I give advice where it's not needed with a hint of sarcasm and patronizing condescension.
Now let me just start by saying I don't mean to come across as rude, nor do I wish to make anyone feel inferior or dumb. My theory on this, and I've no idea if it's right or just me making excuses again, is that it's because of my environment and upbringing.
See, I'm told that I have to be proud of what I can do and what I know, but not all the time. Only when it is appropriate to mention it, or when it can be of help. I'm not all that good at anything really so when there is something I know I can help out with or provide information on, I jump on it like crazy.
And that's when it usually goes too far.... People don't always want that or appreciate that and on more than one occasion it hurt people's feelings.
I'm not allowed to say sorry for things I didn't intentionally do but...I'm sorry! I get so caught up in my moment of pride, of thinking 'hey! I know something about this, I'd like to let people know I do!' that it all just kinda flies forward at too fast a speed.
Another thing to work on in the never-ending process of building the suitable me. Not that I'm not suitable already, I know at least one person who thinks I'm plenty suitable already and I love her to bits, not in the least for bringing the above flaw to my attention.
Speaking of which, at the time of writing I only have to wait 13 more days to see her again! 13 being my lucky number but not so much this time, wish it was only 1 day or, even better, 1 hour. Doesn't matter though, I'm thrilled she's chosen to come back to me and spend 8 days here so we can enjoy each other again.
And enjoy we will. People who've known me a bit longer will no doubt see that I'm holding back not to put forth profanity and sexual innuendo coupled with graphic imagery that would make Charlie Sheen look like the Pope.
Yes, I'm deeply in love with my Johanna and it's no secret that I love her sharp mind as much as I do her luscious body. Mmmmh...yeah.....*drools*
Right, 13 more days, can't wait!
4 May 2011
A Little Taste of Heaven
The hardest part of loving someone, is saying goodbye when they need to leave. I'm not afraid to admit I cried like a little baby when I saw her go through customs on the way to her gate. And in a way, it's a good thing. It strongly reassures that these feelings I have, we have, are real and strong.
But let me start at the beginning.
On Friday I got up pretty early, it's quite a trip to the airport and since I wouldn't be home again I had to drag 10 kilos of holiday packing with me everywhere. The closer I got, the more nervous too but in a good way. I knew it'd all melt away like snow under the sun when I saw her.
Her plane landed early so I rushed to the gate but nothing yet...I got even more nervous and excited as well. After a 20 minute wait, there she was. My angel from heaven. I sped towards her and we tightly embraced each other, the rest went naturally. Our first kiss, that look into each others eyes, walking hand in hand to the train station.
The days after that were purely filled with joy. The resort was amazing, in the middle of the forest and sheltered from the outside world. There was so much to do and we were never bored. We spent every single second with each other, walking about the park, dabbling in the water, relaxing on the beach, hugging in the shadows of the trees, swimming in the tropical pool, baking in the tan booth, grilling meat on our porch while enjoying some good beer and music, watching FMA on the flatscreen while in bed, eating breakfast that we cooked ourselves, participating in the live entertainment, choosing the finest meals at any of the restaurants we had there, having our special JoRo ice-cream in a thunderstorm.
It was....amazing....There are no words to describe how perfect it was. The days flew by and before we knew it, we were at my place for another day or so. Shopping for stuff to make fresh guacamole, watching horror movies in each others arms, talking a long walk around the country side, picnic with ice-cream at a secret and secluded romantic location.
Too much to do and too little time. On Tuesday evening, we headed to the airport again with heavy hearts, knowing we'd have to say goodbye there for the time being. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, take my arms from around her and let her go. Neither of us wanted it to end, we'd rather have stayed together for ever and always.
We both know we'll have to wait a while to be with each other again but we also know it will happen. In the summer, I will go to Sweden and spend more incredible days with her. Until then, we have Skype and we'll be on it every time we can. Work, school, friends, they will take some time away from us but we will always have each other.
In bed, a pillow with her perfume will have to do for now. It's no replacement for her soft, warm skin, sexy curves or the feeling of her and me being intimate (which was...my god, so amazing and fantastic), though nothing but the real thing will ever be good enough now.
This is as much as I can fit into a post at the moment, no doubt you'll be hearing more from me soon.
My Johanna, for ever and always, you and me against the world baby! I love you so much!
But let me start at the beginning.
On Friday I got up pretty early, it's quite a trip to the airport and since I wouldn't be home again I had to drag 10 kilos of holiday packing with me everywhere. The closer I got, the more nervous too but in a good way. I knew it'd all melt away like snow under the sun when I saw her.
Her plane landed early so I rushed to the gate but nothing yet...I got even more nervous and excited as well. After a 20 minute wait, there she was. My angel from heaven. I sped towards her and we tightly embraced each other, the rest went naturally. Our first kiss, that look into each others eyes, walking hand in hand to the train station.
The days after that were purely filled with joy. The resort was amazing, in the middle of the forest and sheltered from the outside world. There was so much to do and we were never bored. We spent every single second with each other, walking about the park, dabbling in the water, relaxing on the beach, hugging in the shadows of the trees, swimming in the tropical pool, baking in the tan booth, grilling meat on our porch while enjoying some good beer and music, watching FMA on the flatscreen while in bed, eating breakfast that we cooked ourselves, participating in the live entertainment, choosing the finest meals at any of the restaurants we had there, having our special JoRo ice-cream in a thunderstorm.
It was....amazing....There are no words to describe how perfect it was. The days flew by and before we knew it, we were at my place for another day or so. Shopping for stuff to make fresh guacamole, watching horror movies in each others arms, talking a long walk around the country side, picnic with ice-cream at a secret and secluded romantic location.
Too much to do and too little time. On Tuesday evening, we headed to the airport again with heavy hearts, knowing we'd have to say goodbye there for the time being. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, take my arms from around her and let her go. Neither of us wanted it to end, we'd rather have stayed together for ever and always.
We both know we'll have to wait a while to be with each other again but we also know it will happen. In the summer, I will go to Sweden and spend more incredible days with her. Until then, we have Skype and we'll be on it every time we can. Work, school, friends, they will take some time away from us but we will always have each other.
In bed, a pillow with her perfume will have to do for now. It's no replacement for her soft, warm skin, sexy curves or the feeling of her and me being intimate (which was...my god, so amazing and fantastic), though nothing but the real thing will ever be good enough now.
This is as much as I can fit into a post at the moment, no doubt you'll be hearing more from me soon.
My Johanna, for ever and always, you and me against the world baby! I love you so much!
9 April 2011
And all was quiet
It's been a while since the last update and not just from me! Where is everyone *gasp*
Anyways, the reason for the slow updates is....because it's going well. Usually I used this blog to whine about everything that was wrong and bad but that's really not needed anymore.
The past 2 months have been the best ever, everything seems to be going right. Even the things that almost seem to go wrong, I somehow make right with determination and willpower, supported by my love. Or as she like to phrase it, 'behind every successful man stands a strong, loving woman'.
It's been nearly 2 months we've been together now and we're as much in love as we were then, every day it increases more and more. In a few days time she'll come over here by plane and I'll steal her away to a place of romance and affection. The plan to stay here at my place wasn't feasible so instead we'll be going to a luxury resort for the duration of her visit for privacy and plenty time to...get to know each other *grins* After that we'll spend one more night with the family so I can show her around town and we can cook up some yummies.
On the professional side things are flying as well. I passed the 3rd of my in total 4 exams of the year with ease, making me eligible for the 2nd year right away as I've scored the needed amount of points up to the maximum you can get already.
All in all everything is going at a fast but nonetheless relaxing pace, all thanks to the one that completes my life finally. The one that makes everything worthwhile. The one that I took 24 years to find but that is finally mine.
Johanna, my heart <3
Anyways, the reason for the slow updates is....because it's going well. Usually I used this blog to whine about everything that was wrong and bad but that's really not needed anymore.
The past 2 months have been the best ever, everything seems to be going right. Even the things that almost seem to go wrong, I somehow make right with determination and willpower, supported by my love. Or as she like to phrase it, 'behind every successful man stands a strong, loving woman'.
It's been nearly 2 months we've been together now and we're as much in love as we were then, every day it increases more and more. In a few days time she'll come over here by plane and I'll steal her away to a place of romance and affection. The plan to stay here at my place wasn't feasible so instead we'll be going to a luxury resort for the duration of her visit for privacy and plenty time to...get to know each other *grins* After that we'll spend one more night with the family so I can show her around town and we can cook up some yummies.
On the professional side things are flying as well. I passed the 3rd of my in total 4 exams of the year with ease, making me eligible for the 2nd year right away as I've scored the needed amount of points up to the maximum you can get already.
All in all everything is going at a fast but nonetheless relaxing pace, all thanks to the one that completes my life finally. The one that makes everything worthwhile. The one that I took 24 years to find but that is finally mine.
Johanna, my heart <3
18 March 2011
What goes around, comes around
It's been almost a month now, a month of total bliss. Not a single thing wrong and that's truly a first for me. It all feels as close to perfect as it can get and I know that this feeling will last for years to come.
She's all I ever asked for. Nice, understanding, strong-willed, slightly stubborn, caring, funny, intelligent, with great taste in music, movies and humor.
On top of all that, she's so incredibly attractive. Her smile, her laugh, her giggle, her amazing body, those sexy lips and stunning eyes.
Yes, yes...I know...too mushy. I've become one of those people I used to dislike so much. Not that I care, I only felt like that because I wanted what they had. And now I do.
Only a few more weeks before she comes over to visit me, 3 days of bliss. Filled with hugging, cuddling, talking, eating, drinking, walking, being out and of course...
In other news: my best friend 'broke up' with his girlfriend of 1.5 years...by phone. My other best friend is still not out of the closet and the third is basically being operated on 24/7 and living with her deranged mother.
Who'd have thought I'd ever be the one best off? Certainly not me.
School is going well, actually enjoying it now because I have a purpose: graduate asap and make the best of my degree. 3rd semester is close to ending and if I pass my exam then I'm home free for the first year. Only 3 more after that, which is bearable.
There's some people now reading this that could either use some support or a slap in the face (you know who you are). You all know where to find me, I'm not gone just busy. But never too busy for my friends.
Poke me!
Sav.
She's all I ever asked for. Nice, understanding, strong-willed, slightly stubborn, caring, funny, intelligent, with great taste in music, movies and humor.
On top of all that, she's so incredibly attractive. Her smile, her laugh, her giggle, her amazing body, those sexy lips and stunning eyes.
Yes, yes...I know...too mushy. I've become one of those people I used to dislike so much. Not that I care, I only felt like that because I wanted what they had. And now I do.
Only a few more weeks before she comes over to visit me, 3 days of bliss. Filled with hugging, cuddling, talking, eating, drinking, walking, being out and of course...
In other news: my best friend 'broke up' with his girlfriend of 1.5 years...by phone. My other best friend is still not out of the closet and the third is basically being operated on 24/7 and living with her deranged mother.
Who'd have thought I'd ever be the one best off? Certainly not me.
School is going well, actually enjoying it now because I have a purpose: graduate asap and make the best of my degree. 3rd semester is close to ending and if I pass my exam then I'm home free for the first year. Only 3 more after that, which is bearable.
There's some people now reading this that could either use some support or a slap in the face (you know who you are). You all know where to find me, I'm not gone just busy. But never too busy for my friends.
Poke me!
Sav.
5 March 2011
Mind Tricks
Is my head really this screwed up that it cannot comprehend that good stuff can happen? Why does it keep on insisting there's a catch to everything. Why does every word and sentence need to be dissected for hidden clues and underlying thoughts.
Maybe it's my overly cautious nature, maybe it's past experiences that left their deep deep scars. Sometimes, I just wish I could shut down my brain because it's not helping out in any way.
Hope, the word that means everything. Without hope, there is no future, nothing to hold onto, nothing to look forward to. Just a blank space and actions that are taken in vain.
Shape up Sav...
Maybe it's my overly cautious nature, maybe it's past experiences that left their deep deep scars. Sometimes, I just wish I could shut down my brain because it's not helping out in any way.
Hope, the word that means everything. Without hope, there is no future, nothing to hold onto, nothing to look forward to. Just a blank space and actions that are taken in vain.
Shape up Sav...
24 February 2011
Madly in love...with you!
I always knew you were special, but I never could have guessed just how special...
It happened so fast as well. Just last week we really got back in touch after almost a year of blog comments and the occasional hug ingame and we connected like we'd known each other for ages.
Days flew by as we sat in front of our computers (or behind them), talking on Skype for hours until the sun almost rose again.
It didn't matter we had school or work or other obligations, we had a great time. And then the butterflies came, filling me up inside and making my smile bigger every single time we laughed and enjoyed ourselves, ingame or otherwise.
I fell in love..completely, utterly, totally, truly, madly, deeply. Last night, when the timing was right, I shared this with you and almost as if there was no other answer, you told me it had been the same for you. Instantly making me the the happiest, giddiest guy on Earth.
Our minds are so alike, not just in the dirtiness-factor but in the way we see things and the way we want things to be. Similar interests, similar tastes, similar desires. No subject will phase us, from our plans to be together now to plans about the future.
I can't wait to be with you. When our schedules collide and work and school don't mix, I miss the sound of your voice, your laughter, everything about you, and I wait until you get back again. If I could, I would have been on the plane yesterday, but some things make that impossible. Things that will be easily solved on both sides so we can spend all the time together that we could wish for and it will be amazing.
Until then, I will wish you good night every time I log off and kiss you good morning every time I log back on. Because you make me the happiest guy in the world and because I believe you deserve the best. Which I will give you, from the bottom of my heart and deepest depths of my soul.
My girl, my woman, my Johanna. This is for you.
(Spotify link for if Youtube won't let you see it.
http://open.spotify.com/track/24lMtPOCzP5g4hrg3NklLa)
It happened so fast as well. Just last week we really got back in touch after almost a year of blog comments and the occasional hug ingame and we connected like we'd known each other for ages.
Days flew by as we sat in front of our computers (or behind them), talking on Skype for hours until the sun almost rose again.
It didn't matter we had school or work or other obligations, we had a great time. And then the butterflies came, filling me up inside and making my smile bigger every single time we laughed and enjoyed ourselves, ingame or otherwise.
I fell in love..completely, utterly, totally, truly, madly, deeply. Last night, when the timing was right, I shared this with you and almost as if there was no other answer, you told me it had been the same for you. Instantly making me the the happiest, giddiest guy on Earth.
Our minds are so alike, not just in the dirtiness-factor but in the way we see things and the way we want things to be. Similar interests, similar tastes, similar desires. No subject will phase us, from our plans to be together now to plans about the future.
I can't wait to be with you. When our schedules collide and work and school don't mix, I miss the sound of your voice, your laughter, everything about you, and I wait until you get back again. If I could, I would have been on the plane yesterday, but some things make that impossible. Things that will be easily solved on both sides so we can spend all the time together that we could wish for and it will be amazing.
Until then, I will wish you good night every time I log off and kiss you good morning every time I log back on. Because you make me the happiest guy in the world and because I believe you deserve the best. Which I will give you, from the bottom of my heart and deepest depths of my soul.
My girl, my woman, my Johanna. This is for you.
(Spotify link for if Youtube won't let you see it.
http://open.spotify.com/track/24lMtPOCzP5g4hrg3NklLa)
22 February 2011
Early in the morning
I arrived 30 minutes early for classes again, as usual. The buses run a once-an-hour schedule so it really can't be helped. It does however, give me some time to write stuff before my classmates arrive and the day officially starts.
Just wanted to post something I wrote a while ago but I realized I'd already posted it before. It was as applicable now as it was then, though I won't re-post it for the same reason as I posted it back then.
On my way to see if I had posted it before, I came across some post from late last year, reminding me once more just what exactly happened, why and how. It's quite funny to see the ups and downs and even the realization that I knew something was wrong before it even began.
But that's over now, things are looking up! Especially the past week I've been feeling more perky than I have in a while and it's because I found a reason to be feeling like that. Someone that makes me feel all happy and giddy inside.
My silent wish to get to know you better came true, faster and in more ways than I could have imagined. We're having a great time and we'll be having plenty more if it's up to me. Thanks for brightening my days and for letting me brighten up yours. I never thought I'd be sitting up until halfway through the morning, chatting and laughing again.
Always has hope been important but now I feel like a part of the promise has been fulfilled already.
I feel good. Thank you. *hugs tight*
Also, I want to give a head's up to all my friends who are still feeling down: I'm still here for you, if and when you need me. You know where to find me, I want to share the good stuff with you. And thanks to everyone who stuck around, it means a lot.
Signing out, see you tonight.
Sav.
Just wanted to post something I wrote a while ago but I realized I'd already posted it before. It was as applicable now as it was then, though I won't re-post it for the same reason as I posted it back then.
On my way to see if I had posted it before, I came across some post from late last year, reminding me once more just what exactly happened, why and how. It's quite funny to see the ups and downs and even the realization that I knew something was wrong before it even began.
But that's over now, things are looking up! Especially the past week I've been feeling more perky than I have in a while and it's because I found a reason to be feeling like that. Someone that makes me feel all happy and giddy inside.
My silent wish to get to know you better came true, faster and in more ways than I could have imagined. We're having a great time and we'll be having plenty more if it's up to me. Thanks for brightening my days and for letting me brighten up yours. I never thought I'd be sitting up until halfway through the morning, chatting and laughing again.
Always has hope been important but now I feel like a part of the promise has been fulfilled already.
I feel good. Thank you. *hugs tight*
Also, I want to give a head's up to all my friends who are still feeling down: I'm still here for you, if and when you need me. You know where to find me, I want to share the good stuff with you. And thanks to everyone who stuck around, it means a lot.
Signing out, see you tonight.
Sav.
14 February 2011
Promises kept and promises broken
*sigh* Today...today is the day I dread the most every year, for every year it is the same. February 14th, globally dubbed 'Valentine's Day' is the most horrible holiday in the year for me. Why? Because I cannot take part in it.
Not because I think it's an overly-commercialized holiday, which I do, but because I have no reason to celebrate it.
For all my 'hate' for this day, I can say for sure that I would partake if I had someone to accompany me for it. But as we all know, love has never been on my side and this year is no exception.
I promised someone I would not sit at home and be dreary all day like I usually did. So I went to school, ignored the abundance in pink and chocolate-brown, the eye-catching couples kissing like their lives depended on it and the more than usual amount of holding hands going on. Today, I acted neutral. Like I didn't give a crap, which isn't far from the truth actually.
I really don't care anymore. People can do what they want, I'm not bothered anymore. I have more important things to worry about than some silly holiday that is at it's core flawed (not getting into that now).
I have a big assignment due before 21.00, several of my friends are having less than fantastic goings-on and I have a list from here to Tokyo with stuff that has to be taken care of 'immediately'.
So besides this post, I will mention it no further.
Promises, yes...I like those. They're the unofficial test of one's personality and trustworthiness. Breaking a promise is lethal to me. I broke several the past few weeks and it sucks. Of course most people will say 'don't worry, it's okay' but it's really not. I betrayed someone's trust, however small, by not keeping a promise and it's hard to make up for it.
I also made new promises, those I intend to keep. An awesome visit from a friend next week, another visit to someone in a few weeks time, ingame obligations ranging from farming an absurd amount of herbs and fish to attending a raid with friends on a day I kinda can't. But it doesn't matter, for a promise is always a promise, no matter what the end result might be.
Finally, I will leave you with another song from my favorite group Assemblage 23, with the usual depressing title. It's not to be taken literally though, this one is more about the general direction of the lyrics and the flow of the music.
Not because I think it's an overly-commercialized holiday, which I do, but because I have no reason to celebrate it.
For all my 'hate' for this day, I can say for sure that I would partake if I had someone to accompany me for it. But as we all know, love has never been on my side and this year is no exception.
I promised someone I would not sit at home and be dreary all day like I usually did. So I went to school, ignored the abundance in pink and chocolate-brown, the eye-catching couples kissing like their lives depended on it and the more than usual amount of holding hands going on. Today, I acted neutral. Like I didn't give a crap, which isn't far from the truth actually.
I really don't care anymore. People can do what they want, I'm not bothered anymore. I have more important things to worry about than some silly holiday that is at it's core flawed (not getting into that now).
I have a big assignment due before 21.00, several of my friends are having less than fantastic goings-on and I have a list from here to Tokyo with stuff that has to be taken care of 'immediately'.
So besides this post, I will mention it no further.
Promises, yes...I like those. They're the unofficial test of one's personality and trustworthiness. Breaking a promise is lethal to me. I broke several the past few weeks and it sucks. Of course most people will say 'don't worry, it's okay' but it's really not. I betrayed someone's trust, however small, by not keeping a promise and it's hard to make up for it.
I also made new promises, those I intend to keep. An awesome visit from a friend next week, another visit to someone in a few weeks time, ingame obligations ranging from farming an absurd amount of herbs and fish to attending a raid with friends on a day I kinda can't. But it doesn't matter, for a promise is always a promise, no matter what the end result might be.
Finally, I will leave you with another song from my favorite group Assemblage 23, with the usual depressing title. It's not to be taken literally though, this one is more about the general direction of the lyrics and the flow of the music.
4 February 2011
One Spark among the Embers
Turbulent week? Not quite, but still filled with surprises and excitement.
On Monday I got elected to top student of my class, to my biggest surprise. Turns out I aced all my exams to claim my 30 credits in one big whammy. Imagine what it had looked like, had I actually studied for them! Only 3 others achieved the same feat, 1 of them rivaling my numbers but none with the commentary I got:
'Sav has scored the maximum amount of credits available in 2 semesters and we, as Avans AAFM board, have determined him to be 'Top Student of the First Half of the First Year' due to outstanding performance, quality of paperwork, excellent group dynamic and overall positive presence in and out of the classroom'.
Imagine the look on my face when reading that....Too bad my parents didn't share my enthusiasm but I've grown so used to that, it hardly bothers me anymore. Of course my high-demands sister's search for 'the perfect house' is way more interesting to blab about every day.
Had several friends over and visited several as well. Good ol' hanging out with nibbles and drinks, good stuff on TV and catching up with goings on.
Of course the major event of the year coming up in a few days: Superbowl! The pinnacle of staying up late, friends, booze, entertainment and more American-themed food than you can shake a stick at!
In other news, I need to congratulate Ozzy. Either for making me believe the most incredible lie ever told to me or for living the dream. Go you, kinda. Because I won't deny my face is still green with jealousy and mild hate. Yes, hate. Not in the 'die in a fire kinda way' but 'goddammit, why does stuff like that never happen to me kinda way'. And don't tell me I have to go look for it, you didn't either. The phrase 'it got thrown into your lap' comes to mind, literally and figuratively.
On to something quite related. My issue of the year that I need to work on, motivation. If even my mentor, who's known me for about 4 months now, says it's my biggest flaw, then I seriously need to get a grip on it.
Lack of motivation can lead to several negative issues such as poor performance, lack of interest in important things and lack of drive to do anything at all. It's so important to know that everything you do matters, that you're working towards something, something not as vague as 'in 4 years time I'll graduate'.
Motivation comes from a goal, something important you want to work for or work towards. There is no such thing for me, nothing concrete or tangible that I think is worth working hard for. So I slack, I let things slip, I work halfheartedly on things that should matter. In essence, I don't deserve that whole price, the runner up did. Poor Pip, who woke up every at 7 during the holiday to study her ass off and got the good grades. I told her that, but it just doesn't have the same impact as getting first place.
I'll wrap it up with the following clip, which puts all the above in the correct perspective. Enjoy the beat, the usual awesome lyrics and overall feel.
Sav.
On Monday I got elected to top student of my class, to my biggest surprise. Turns out I aced all my exams to claim my 30 credits in one big whammy. Imagine what it had looked like, had I actually studied for them! Only 3 others achieved the same feat, 1 of them rivaling my numbers but none with the commentary I got:
'Sav has scored the maximum amount of credits available in 2 semesters and we, as Avans AAFM board, have determined him to be 'Top Student of the First Half of the First Year' due to outstanding performance, quality of paperwork, excellent group dynamic and overall positive presence in and out of the classroom'.
Imagine the look on my face when reading that....Too bad my parents didn't share my enthusiasm but I've grown so used to that, it hardly bothers me anymore. Of course my high-demands sister's search for 'the perfect house' is way more interesting to blab about every day.
Had several friends over and visited several as well. Good ol' hanging out with nibbles and drinks, good stuff on TV and catching up with goings on.
Of course the major event of the year coming up in a few days: Superbowl! The pinnacle of staying up late, friends, booze, entertainment and more American-themed food than you can shake a stick at!
In other news, I need to congratulate Ozzy. Either for making me believe the most incredible lie ever told to me or for living the dream. Go you, kinda. Because I won't deny my face is still green with jealousy and mild hate. Yes, hate. Not in the 'die in a fire kinda way' but 'goddammit, why does stuff like that never happen to me kinda way'. And don't tell me I have to go look for it, you didn't either. The phrase 'it got thrown into your lap' comes to mind, literally and figuratively.
On to something quite related. My issue of the year that I need to work on, motivation. If even my mentor, who's known me for about 4 months now, says it's my biggest flaw, then I seriously need to get a grip on it.
Lack of motivation can lead to several negative issues such as poor performance, lack of interest in important things and lack of drive to do anything at all. It's so important to know that everything you do matters, that you're working towards something, something not as vague as 'in 4 years time I'll graduate'.
Motivation comes from a goal, something important you want to work for or work towards. There is no such thing for me, nothing concrete or tangible that I think is worth working hard for. So I slack, I let things slip, I work halfheartedly on things that should matter. In essence, I don't deserve that whole price, the runner up did. Poor Pip, who woke up every at 7 during the holiday to study her ass off and got the good grades. I told her that, but it just doesn't have the same impact as getting first place.
I'll wrap it up with the following clip, which puts all the above in the correct perspective. Enjoy the beat, the usual awesome lyrics and overall feel.
Sav.
30 January 2011
Now I lay myself to sleep, pray someone my soul to keep
Before I go off to the magical land of dreams (hopefully), a short recount of my day.
Woke up at 5.00, delicious sound of my alarm going off. God that's one annoying beep but it's the only thing that'll do.
Get downstairs and find out it's -8 outside, so well below freezing. Fun, seeing as I'll be outside the entire day.
Want to grab some sandwiches....someone forgot to get bread, will have to go with noodles. Little did I know I would not eat anything for another 13 hours.
Great, 7am, I'm standing in an orchard in the middle of bloody nowhere, waiting for the crew to show up. You see, today I've been recruited to help haul my uncle and dad some wood. And by recruited I mean forced. And by some wood I mean 18 tonnes. Yes, you read it right, 18 tonnes of furnace-grade wood.
It's been sawed beforehand into manageable chunks and strewn across a field that measures about 1 square kilometer.
Enter: the tractor! A tractor my dad's boss owns has been outfitted with a container that can take up to 6 tonnes of whatever, in our case neatly stacked wood. We end up with 6 people: my dad, my uncle (70'ish), his former son-in-law and that guy's brother, my brother-in-law and I.
Physical facts (my body felt this): wasn't given gloves (minus 8 remember), sat still on an open tractor for at least 10 hours, spent the rest walking to try and get warm.
Verbal facts (This was yelled at me): I can't drive for shit, I can't listen to orders, I need to stop saying I need gloves, I need to be glad I was 'allowed' to help.
Mental facts (This was indirectly made clear to me and worked miracles on my brain all day): I fail at life, for I have no degree, no house, no car, no drivers license, no job, no girlfriend, no interesting things to tell whatsoever. I'm physically inadequate and only fit to drive a tractor at 0.2 kph in a straight line and definitely not to be let near any wood that has to be stacked. My brother-in-law, now that's the kinda guy people like. He has all of the above and is the son/cousin/nephew/grandson they always wanted!
Did I mention we failed to get the job done and ended up with only 3/5 containers filled? So yes, I 'get to go' again tomorrow.
Alarm goes off at 5, I hope my house catches fire while I'm asleep.
Sav.
Woke up at 5.00, delicious sound of my alarm going off. God that's one annoying beep but it's the only thing that'll do.
Get downstairs and find out it's -8 outside, so well below freezing. Fun, seeing as I'll be outside the entire day.
Want to grab some sandwiches....someone forgot to get bread, will have to go with noodles. Little did I know I would not eat anything for another 13 hours.
Great, 7am, I'm standing in an orchard in the middle of bloody nowhere, waiting for the crew to show up. You see, today I've been recruited to help haul my uncle and dad some wood. And by recruited I mean forced. And by some wood I mean 18 tonnes. Yes, you read it right, 18 tonnes of furnace-grade wood.
It's been sawed beforehand into manageable chunks and strewn across a field that measures about 1 square kilometer.
Enter: the tractor! A tractor my dad's boss owns has been outfitted with a container that can take up to 6 tonnes of whatever, in our case neatly stacked wood. We end up with 6 people: my dad, my uncle (70'ish), his former son-in-law and that guy's brother, my brother-in-law and I.
Physical facts (my body felt this): wasn't given gloves (minus 8 remember), sat still on an open tractor for at least 10 hours, spent the rest walking to try and get warm.
Verbal facts (This was yelled at me): I can't drive for shit, I can't listen to orders, I need to stop saying I need gloves, I need to be glad I was 'allowed' to help.
Mental facts (This was indirectly made clear to me and worked miracles on my brain all day): I fail at life, for I have no degree, no house, no car, no drivers license, no job, no girlfriend, no interesting things to tell whatsoever. I'm physically inadequate and only fit to drive a tractor at 0.2 kph in a straight line and definitely not to be let near any wood that has to be stacked. My brother-in-law, now that's the kinda guy people like. He has all of the above and is the son/cousin/nephew/grandson they always wanted!
Did I mention we failed to get the job done and ended up with only 3/5 containers filled? So yes, I 'get to go' again tomorrow.
Alarm goes off at 5, I hope my house catches fire while I'm asleep.
Sav.
21 January 2011
Teach a man to write......or copy/paste
Yes, I know, not original or even blatantly stolen from another blog....Still, I've been wanting to do this for a while now, teasing is a part of me as much as hugging is.
The following descriptions feature people in my life. If you are reading this, you are among them. Will I tell you which one you are? Maybe....;)
1. Happy birthday, I hope tonight will turn out great. In fact, I know for sure it will. You might be grumpy sometimes, you're still my best friend and you have been for the past 12-odd years. Also, take care of your girl, you might act indifferent but you're a lucky sob and losing her will kill you.
2. I haven't known you for long but still, we pretty much figured each other out. I never would have thought possible I'd be able to talk to you the way I am.
3. You're odd but I love you dammit. The person in my life I've known the longest, I'd trust you with anything. Pizza will never be the same again.
4. Up and down, that's us. People say internet relations are doomed to fail, in whatever form. We're determined to prove them wrong. You don't deserve the things life handed you, I will always try to take them off you or at least make you smile.
5. My initial hate for you turned into parts pity and resentment. You taught me important lessons, but I won't thank you for it. What you did, I can never forgive.
6. The last few times I poked you, I got a cold response. I won't try it again. We probably grew too much apart. Still, I'll always remember what you did for me. Good luck with your life and your new-found love.
7. You mean more to me than you know or than I show. I'm afraid to lose you as a friend so I'm doing my best to get more in touch with you. I think our talk last night helped us along nicely. Also, don't do anything you might regret, not that you do that easily.
8. The one person who knows me better than anyone and the person I can trust without any doubt. I'd make a move on you if you weren't taken but I will settle for friendship as I always do. Hope we get to meet again soon, I missed your company.
9. I enjoy talking to you, I know you make someone very happy. I hope that will continue, you've really become part of the inner circle.
10. You are strong, you are a fighter, you will survive, like me. I don't know you as well as I'd like, but I don't think it can be helped. Just know you are a smart and beautiful woman.
11. You dented my heart and spirit a little, more than once. You're still my friend because it was my fault all those times I got slightly hurt. We had fun times, we might again some day, I don't know how things will turn out. I just hope I can leave my jealousy behind this time.
12. From close friends to normal friends, that's how it went. I don't regret anything and neither do you I think. Like any of my friends, I wish you all the best of luck with future endeavors such as love and living.
13. You're the secret that will stay a secret, from everyone but the handful of people that already know. I'm glad we're still friends, once in a while we manage to surprise each other.
14. There's a first for everything, you're on this list. Regrets are plenty but less so than the feeling of being content with how things went. Sorry for not poking you lately.
15. You are an idiot, but a lovable idiot. Have more faith in yourself, do the things you want to do without second-guessing them. You will turn out alright, there's bound to be someone out there for you.
16. I don't know your name but we ride the same bus to and from school every day. I wish I had the guts to talk to you, you seem interesting and, not unimportant, attractive though maybe a bit young. Maybe some day I'll work up enough courage.
17. You expect something from me that I'm not sure I can deliver. I know I said I might but after all that's happened, anything is possible. I'm just afraid you'll turn into that which I'm trying to avoid.
18. Broken promises is what you mean to me. Haven't spoken to you in some time now, it's for the best. I'd hate to get into you again so you could let me down once more.
The following descriptions feature people in my life. If you are reading this, you are among them. Will I tell you which one you are? Maybe....;)
1. Happy birthday, I hope tonight will turn out great. In fact, I know for sure it will. You might be grumpy sometimes, you're still my best friend and you have been for the past 12-odd years. Also, take care of your girl, you might act indifferent but you're a lucky sob and losing her will kill you.
2. I haven't known you for long but still, we pretty much figured each other out. I never would have thought possible I'd be able to talk to you the way I am.
3. You're odd but I love you dammit. The person in my life I've known the longest, I'd trust you with anything. Pizza will never be the same again.
4. Up and down, that's us. People say internet relations are doomed to fail, in whatever form. We're determined to prove them wrong. You don't deserve the things life handed you, I will always try to take them off you or at least make you smile.
5. My initial hate for you turned into parts pity and resentment. You taught me important lessons, but I won't thank you for it. What you did, I can never forgive.
6. The last few times I poked you, I got a cold response. I won't try it again. We probably grew too much apart. Still, I'll always remember what you did for me. Good luck with your life and your new-found love.
7. You mean more to me than you know or than I show. I'm afraid to lose you as a friend so I'm doing my best to get more in touch with you. I think our talk last night helped us along nicely. Also, don't do anything you might regret, not that you do that easily.
8. The one person who knows me better than anyone and the person I can trust without any doubt. I'd make a move on you if you weren't taken but I will settle for friendship as I always do. Hope we get to meet again soon, I missed your company.
9. I enjoy talking to you, I know you make someone very happy. I hope that will continue, you've really become part of the inner circle.
10. You are strong, you are a fighter, you will survive, like me. I don't know you as well as I'd like, but I don't think it can be helped. Just know you are a smart and beautiful woman.
11. You dented my heart and spirit a little, more than once. You're still my friend because it was my fault all those times I got slightly hurt. We had fun times, we might again some day, I don't know how things will turn out. I just hope I can leave my jealousy behind this time.
12. From close friends to normal friends, that's how it went. I don't regret anything and neither do you I think. Like any of my friends, I wish you all the best of luck with future endeavors such as love and living.
13. You're the secret that will stay a secret, from everyone but the handful of people that already know. I'm glad we're still friends, once in a while we manage to surprise each other.
14. There's a first for everything, you're on this list. Regrets are plenty but less so than the feeling of being content with how things went. Sorry for not poking you lately.
15. You are an idiot, but a lovable idiot. Have more faith in yourself, do the things you want to do without second-guessing them. You will turn out alright, there's bound to be someone out there for you.
16. I don't know your name but we ride the same bus to and from school every day. I wish I had the guts to talk to you, you seem interesting and, not unimportant, attractive though maybe a bit young. Maybe some day I'll work up enough courage.
17. You expect something from me that I'm not sure I can deliver. I know I said I might but after all that's happened, anything is possible. I'm just afraid you'll turn into that which I'm trying to avoid.
18. Broken promises is what you mean to me. Haven't spoken to you in some time now, it's for the best. I'd hate to get into you again so you could let me down once more.
19 January 2011
'I haven't felt so alive in years, the sun is shining down on me'!
Riding the 312 bus home from school after taking my 2nd exam of the year and thinking I might have actually done well. The sun is shining down on me through the slightly tinted windows and I raise my head towards the warming rays of light. Thoughts of good things flood into my mind...
I'm still alive and kicking after everything, I'm not dying of anything horrible any time soon either. I got a roof over my head, food in my fridge (well, not really my fridge but still), everything I need to pass the free time I have at home and just enough money to do the things I like.
An occasional visit to Subway, a night out to the movies with my friends, a can of Dr. Pepper, a good CD, a new DVD. I don't need much to be content.
Good things are on the horizon. This Friday I'm having gourmet with my 3 closest friends to celebrate one of their birthdays and the anniversary of two of them as well. The first Sunday of February is, as it has been for the past 7 years, the annual Superbowl Party. I'm organizing and it's gonna be a food- and booze-filled extravaganza that will last 'till the early hours.
February 14th will be 'avoid women at all costs'-day, but not the usual 'stay in bed'-day.
I started the day with the intent to write another bluuurgh post and I even had it all in my head but on my way home, I really felt I had done enough moping for one month and the comment I got last night ('Where's happy Sav? We want happy Sav back!') made me reconsider writing any more negative things for the foreseeable future (unless of course something reeeaally bad happens, but then I'm entitled to).
Sav, signing out with a smile on his face
I'm still alive and kicking after everything, I'm not dying of anything horrible any time soon either. I got a roof over my head, food in my fridge (well, not really my fridge but still), everything I need to pass the free time I have at home and just enough money to do the things I like.
An occasional visit to Subway, a night out to the movies with my friends, a can of Dr. Pepper, a good CD, a new DVD. I don't need much to be content.
Good things are on the horizon. This Friday I'm having gourmet with my 3 closest friends to celebrate one of their birthdays and the anniversary of two of them as well. The first Sunday of February is, as it has been for the past 7 years, the annual Superbowl Party. I'm organizing and it's gonna be a food- and booze-filled extravaganza that will last 'till the early hours.
February 14th will be 'avoid women at all costs'-day, but not the usual 'stay in bed'-day.
I started the day with the intent to write another bluuurgh post and I even had it all in my head but on my way home, I really felt I had done enough moping for one month and the comment I got last night ('Where's happy Sav? We want happy Sav back!') made me reconsider writing any more negative things for the foreseeable future (unless of course something reeeaally bad happens, but then I'm entitled to).
Sav, signing out with a smile on his face
Polar Bear, Polar Expedition, Bi-Polar
Just a quicky, a song to share with y'all. It's no secret I love Assemblage 23 and this song takes the cake (along with Cocoon).
Assemblage 23 --- Bi-Polar (lyrics below the vid)
I haven't felt so alive in years
The sun is shining down on me
My eyes are welling up with tears
Tears of joy, tears of ecstasy
Emotions I once kept concealed
Now flow freely like a river
Life's great mysteries revealed
Love's great promises delivered
I hate my life I want to die
I was just pretending all this time
A mask I wear so I don't bare
My soul to the cold, harsh world out there
Try to prevail but only fail
Each time on a grander and grander scale
My life is worthless and so am I
I hate my life I want to die
The landscape rises to meet my feet
The sky descends to fill my arms
For once I finally feel complete
For once I know I can't be harmed
All I know is light and love
I feel that I could live forever
While others' troubles seem to grow
I have no problems whatsoever
I hate my life I want to die
I was just pretending all this time
A mask I wear so I don't bare
My soul to the cold, harsh world out there
Try to prevail but only fail
Each time on a grander and grander scale
My life is worthless and so am I
I hate my life I want to die
The epiphany that came to fall
Finally helped me reconcile
What I felt wasn't joy at all
All this time it was just denial
I hate my life I want to die
I was just pretending all this time
A mask I wear so I don't bare
My soul to the cold, harsh world out there
Try to prevail but only fail
Each time on a grander and grander scale
My life is worthless and so am I
I hate my life I want to die
Final thoughts: Maybe it'll give some insight into the daily routine of my brain.
Assemblage 23 --- Bi-Polar (lyrics below the vid)
I haven't felt so alive in years
The sun is shining down on me
My eyes are welling up with tears
Tears of joy, tears of ecstasy
Emotions I once kept concealed
Now flow freely like a river
Life's great mysteries revealed
Love's great promises delivered
I hate my life I want to die
I was just pretending all this time
A mask I wear so I don't bare
My soul to the cold, harsh world out there
Try to prevail but only fail
Each time on a grander and grander scale
My life is worthless and so am I
I hate my life I want to die
The landscape rises to meet my feet
The sky descends to fill my arms
For once I finally feel complete
For once I know I can't be harmed
All I know is light and love
I feel that I could live forever
While others' troubles seem to grow
I have no problems whatsoever
I hate my life I want to die
I was just pretending all this time
A mask I wear so I don't bare
My soul to the cold, harsh world out there
Try to prevail but only fail
Each time on a grander and grander scale
My life is worthless and so am I
I hate my life I want to die
The epiphany that came to fall
Finally helped me reconcile
What I felt wasn't joy at all
All this time it was just denial
I hate my life I want to die
I was just pretending all this time
A mask I wear so I don't bare
My soul to the cold, harsh world out there
Try to prevail but only fail
Each time on a grander and grander scale
My life is worthless and so am I
I hate my life I want to die
Final thoughts: Maybe it'll give some insight into the daily routine of my brain.
18 January 2011
I might be a fool, but I'm not crazy
Let's see...has anything interesting happened since my last post...let me think...I had the most awesome Subway sandwich to day, I ate a pizza while watching the Shawshank Redemption with my best friend. That's about i---oh I almost forgot! THE WOMAN I THOUGHT WAS MY GIRLFRIEND HAS BEEN SEEING ANOTHER MAN FOR THE PAST MONTH.
Let's talk about that a bit eh, probably more interesting than the Meatball Marinara with honey-mustard sauce I had.
So, in part due to my inquisitive nature, in part due to this blog, I found out that there was another 'me'. Let's call this man Ozzy and say he's no less a victim than I am. That day, when I took a risk and sent him a message on Facebook after he commented on my previous post, we both found out we'd been tricked. We'd been had, we'd been conned, lied to, back-stabbed and royally fucked.
By her. I won't even give her the satisfaction of posting her name, but I know she's here, around, lurking and smirking at the two of us, fools as we might have been.
Anyways, that same evening we came into contact and we talked. For 8 hours straight, about all the things that happened to us. All of which turned out to be the exact same things and all of them were a lie. Untruth, make-belief, whatever you want to call it.
She never 'loved' either of, she never intended for either of us to come over and visit and show her how we felt. Because what we felt was real, what she felt....who knows, who's to say she felt anything at all.
At the end of that day, I felt empty. I had already formally broken up with her a few days prior but for other reasons. I had no reason to believe any of this could ever be true. But it was, is, and instead of feeling sadness for losing her, I now only feel bitterness, hate and regret.
I fell for it again, the same old thing and once again I ignored every piece of sound advice anyone had given me. So, I deserved it, again, for being a stubborn dumbass.
Most of that has subsided now. After days of talking to Ozzy, I found out how similar we really are, apart from a few differences like age, location and experience in certain areas of life. I'd like to claim this will never happen to me again but of course I can never be sure.
All I can do now is hope that over time, my bitterness will subsided and I'll be able to trust a person who claims to love me again without doubting their true intentions. Until that day, I'll just be me again, lonely but....not alone.
Let's talk about that a bit eh, probably more interesting than the Meatball Marinara with honey-mustard sauce I had.
So, in part due to my inquisitive nature, in part due to this blog, I found out that there was another 'me'. Let's call this man Ozzy and say he's no less a victim than I am. That day, when I took a risk and sent him a message on Facebook after he commented on my previous post, we both found out we'd been tricked. We'd been had, we'd been conned, lied to, back-stabbed and royally fucked.
By her. I won't even give her the satisfaction of posting her name, but I know she's here, around, lurking and smirking at the two of us, fools as we might have been.
Anyways, that same evening we came into contact and we talked. For 8 hours straight, about all the things that happened to us. All of which turned out to be the exact same things and all of them were a lie. Untruth, make-belief, whatever you want to call it.
She never 'loved' either of, she never intended for either of us to come over and visit and show her how we felt. Because what we felt was real, what she felt....who knows, who's to say she felt anything at all.
At the end of that day, I felt empty. I had already formally broken up with her a few days prior but for other reasons. I had no reason to believe any of this could ever be true. But it was, is, and instead of feeling sadness for losing her, I now only feel bitterness, hate and regret.
I fell for it again, the same old thing and once again I ignored every piece of sound advice anyone had given me. So, I deserved it, again, for being a stubborn dumbass.
Most of that has subsided now. After days of talking to Ozzy, I found out how similar we really are, apart from a few differences like age, location and experience in certain areas of life. I'd like to claim this will never happen to me again but of course I can never be sure.
All I can do now is hope that over time, my bitterness will subsided and I'll be able to trust a person who claims to love me again without doubting their true intentions. Until that day, I'll just be me again, lonely but....not alone.
7 January 2011
The End
As I'm sitting here, I find my head eerily calm. There is nothing running around in there at the moment, a far cry from say... an hour ago. I know what it is that haunts me, I know why and how as well. But there is no way out. No way that will end in anything remotely good.
Doors 1, 2 and 3 lie before me. Door 1 leads down the familiar hallways, the eternal loop, the same old thing. Door 2 leads to heartbreak, a double dose. Maybe something worse as well, I don't know. I don't want to take that door if I can help it.
Door 3 leads to the End. The End of all Ends, the blackest black. A road that would hurt everyone but me, a road who's door I had nearly opened once but decided against taking then. It's the easiest one to take, considering.
But the calm in my head says I shouldn't. Because recently, someone told me about hope and that there's always some left somewhere. Always someone out there who loves you and believes in you. That thought is the only thing keeping me here right now.
Door 1 and 2 are bad places too, they will take me down roads that slash at my knees and rip at my clothes until I am a bloody mess. One of them will lead me out of that cursed forest, battered, beaten, scarred..but not broken.
Which one is it? I hope it comes to me before the gale inside my head starts picking up again, making all into a cacophony of howls and screeches.
It is 4.30am, I am....alone.
Doors 1, 2 and 3 lie before me. Door 1 leads down the familiar hallways, the eternal loop, the same old thing. Door 2 leads to heartbreak, a double dose. Maybe something worse as well, I don't know. I don't want to take that door if I can help it.
Door 3 leads to the End. The End of all Ends, the blackest black. A road that would hurt everyone but me, a road who's door I had nearly opened once but decided against taking then. It's the easiest one to take, considering.
But the calm in my head says I shouldn't. Because recently, someone told me about hope and that there's always some left somewhere. Always someone out there who loves you and believes in you. That thought is the only thing keeping me here right now.
Door 1 and 2 are bad places too, they will take me down roads that slash at my knees and rip at my clothes until I am a bloody mess. One of them will lead me out of that cursed forest, battered, beaten, scarred..but not broken.
Which one is it? I hope it comes to me before the gale inside my head starts picking up again, making all into a cacophony of howls and screeches.
It is 4.30am, I am....alone.
4 January 2011
What's that thing on your keychain?
Because people like to ask questions and I like answering them, I thought I'd humor everyone by compiling a (really) short list to symbolism in my life.
The Ankh
The Ankh stands for life, infinity in loops and for me, friendship.
The symbol in question has been hanging from my keychain for years now and has been going everywhere with me. It was a gift from a dear friend for my 16th birthday, who got it from Egypt. I cherish it for its sentimental value but also its meanings.
Life, we all have it and we'll all lose it at some point. I'm not to bothered about the 'when' because the 'if' is a certainty. Live life to the fullest, avoid regrets at the end.
Infinity, in loops or just on its own, is a common theme. Life to death to new life. Recycling of all kinds. It can also refer to the cycle of mistakes one makes or the inevitable loops some of us end up in. They are hard to break.
Friendship is the most important thing in the world to me. Without my friends, there would be no me. I rely on them as much as some of them rely on me and that comforts me, knowing people out there support each other.
The Heart
The heart stands for love, for hope and for feelings. It doesn't show up much in my daily life besides the one beating in my chest and others, and the ones I try to send to a special someone when I can.
Love, so warm yet so cold. So inviting yet so repulsing. It can delight you in the basking warm rays or burn you in its scarring flames. We all need it, crave it on a deep down level of our hearts. We might get burned over and over or we get lucky and find that one person that makes us happy for the rest of our lives. Whatever the case, love will always be there in some form. Whether we like it or not.
Hope is something you need to survive. It's needed to cling onto in situations that seem to have none of it. Friends and loved ones can provide you with it or you can conjure up some yourself if you are that strong a person. Hope is the last barrier between you and horribly wrong choices.
Feeling are what I am proud of, in secret. Most people don't see me the way some of you do, the way I really am. The society we live in does not appreciate an overflow of emotions in a man and I adapt to that. I remain stoic and wholly masked when I'm outside, giving off an air of indifference and boredom at the world around me. Inside and to my closest friends, I shed that cloak and share what I feel. I hug, I cuddle, I cry, I despair about everyday things. As everyone should. Until that day, this is me in disguise.
The Skull
The skull represents death, but also reason in thinking and hardiness. It's omnipresent in my life, especially my room. Stuffed with horror movies, scary books and posters, it looked more like a freak-show than a bedroom before I changed it around.
I've come close to death on more than one occasion, though not quite on a personal level. Important people around me have died, not all in a peaceful way, and for some of them I wept tears of joy, that there passing was earned and they'd gotten a better life, if you believe in that. For some I wept tears of bitterness, for they weren't supposed to go yet and it might have been better had I been in there place. Tears of sorrow were shed for both my parents, whom I nearly lost 7 years ago due to unforeseen circumstances. I'll never forget what that was like, feeling like any minute I could be totally alone in the world so I'm happy it didn't come to pass.
Reason in thinking is an aspect of myself I take pride in. Underneath the emotions is a part of me that is capable of cold, hard decision-making. I can be ruthless if needed be. According to various 'official' tests that I don't care about, I have an IQ of over 145, well big woop. Being intelligent is having good brains, being smart is using those brains. I'm mostly in the former category, not caring about using this intellect but for what interests me. A downside of having it I guess. Strategic thinking, problem analysis and seeing the big picture are some of my qualities, as showing from my almost complete degree in (human) resource management. Some call it boring, I call it 'having control'.
Hardiness is a necessity in life. Getting back up after the fall, taking the blows and withstanding whatever gets thrown at you. At times, I sink in a well of self-pity but in a way I do always come out. There's always something or someone that gives me that last nudge that I needed to recover, where hardiness and steadfastness kept me afloat for the rest of the duration. The ability to not stay down will serve one until the end.
The Music Key
The music key represents music and relaxation. I listen to music every minute that I am awake. Extensive playlists on my Youtube account, my Spotify account and my pc assure me that there is always something to listen to. And every day, my collection grows because other people introduce me to new songs that fit my bill.
Music is a way for me to adjust my setting and surrounding to my mood. Anger, sadness, joy or nostalgia, all have their own music associated with it. 'Theme songs' signify the most powerful music in a specific category and they have been with me ever since I started using music in this way. My taste is very diverse, there is very little music I detest or reject on it's label alone. Every song needs to be listened to, no matter the artist or the genre it is from. And when it might not be for you, someone else is sure to give meaning to it in some form or another. My current biggest passion lies with the electronic. Punk, techno, industrial, you name it, I like it. There's just something about the contrast between synthesized sounds and the feelings they convey, as well as the immense diversity the genre has shown.
Relaxation can be achieved in many ways. Through music, through gaming, through being with friends and family, through doing nothing at all or lots of things at once. And it doesn't matter how you relax, as long as you do relax once in a while. Being busy all the time can be rewarding but in calm and quiet you find new appreciation for things and it lets you get perspective on a lot of things.
Sav.
The Ankh
The Ankh stands for life, infinity in loops and for me, friendship.
The symbol in question has been hanging from my keychain for years now and has been going everywhere with me. It was a gift from a dear friend for my 16th birthday, who got it from Egypt. I cherish it for its sentimental value but also its meanings.
Life, we all have it and we'll all lose it at some point. I'm not to bothered about the 'when' because the 'if' is a certainty. Live life to the fullest, avoid regrets at the end.
Infinity, in loops or just on its own, is a common theme. Life to death to new life. Recycling of all kinds. It can also refer to the cycle of mistakes one makes or the inevitable loops some of us end up in. They are hard to break.
Friendship is the most important thing in the world to me. Without my friends, there would be no me. I rely on them as much as some of them rely on me and that comforts me, knowing people out there support each other.
The Heart
The heart stands for love, for hope and for feelings. It doesn't show up much in my daily life besides the one beating in my chest and others, and the ones I try to send to a special someone when I can.
Love, so warm yet so cold. So inviting yet so repulsing. It can delight you in the basking warm rays or burn you in its scarring flames. We all need it, crave it on a deep down level of our hearts. We might get burned over and over or we get lucky and find that one person that makes us happy for the rest of our lives. Whatever the case, love will always be there in some form. Whether we like it or not.
Hope is something you need to survive. It's needed to cling onto in situations that seem to have none of it. Friends and loved ones can provide you with it or you can conjure up some yourself if you are that strong a person. Hope is the last barrier between you and horribly wrong choices.
Feeling are what I am proud of, in secret. Most people don't see me the way some of you do, the way I really am. The society we live in does not appreciate an overflow of emotions in a man and I adapt to that. I remain stoic and wholly masked when I'm outside, giving off an air of indifference and boredom at the world around me. Inside and to my closest friends, I shed that cloak and share what I feel. I hug, I cuddle, I cry, I despair about everyday things. As everyone should. Until that day, this is me in disguise.
The Skull
The skull represents death, but also reason in thinking and hardiness. It's omnipresent in my life, especially my room. Stuffed with horror movies, scary books and posters, it looked more like a freak-show than a bedroom before I changed it around.
I've come close to death on more than one occasion, though not quite on a personal level. Important people around me have died, not all in a peaceful way, and for some of them I wept tears of joy, that there passing was earned and they'd gotten a better life, if you believe in that. For some I wept tears of bitterness, for they weren't supposed to go yet and it might have been better had I been in there place. Tears of sorrow were shed for both my parents, whom I nearly lost 7 years ago due to unforeseen circumstances. I'll never forget what that was like, feeling like any minute I could be totally alone in the world so I'm happy it didn't come to pass.
Reason in thinking is an aspect of myself I take pride in. Underneath the emotions is a part of me that is capable of cold, hard decision-making. I can be ruthless if needed be. According to various 'official' tests that I don't care about, I have an IQ of over 145, well big woop. Being intelligent is having good brains, being smart is using those brains. I'm mostly in the former category, not caring about using this intellect but for what interests me. A downside of having it I guess. Strategic thinking, problem analysis and seeing the big picture are some of my qualities, as showing from my almost complete degree in (human) resource management. Some call it boring, I call it 'having control'.
Hardiness is a necessity in life. Getting back up after the fall, taking the blows and withstanding whatever gets thrown at you. At times, I sink in a well of self-pity but in a way I do always come out. There's always something or someone that gives me that last nudge that I needed to recover, where hardiness and steadfastness kept me afloat for the rest of the duration. The ability to not stay down will serve one until the end.
The Music Key
The music key represents music and relaxation. I listen to music every minute that I am awake. Extensive playlists on my Youtube account, my Spotify account and my pc assure me that there is always something to listen to. And every day, my collection grows because other people introduce me to new songs that fit my bill.
Music is a way for me to adjust my setting and surrounding to my mood. Anger, sadness, joy or nostalgia, all have their own music associated with it. 'Theme songs' signify the most powerful music in a specific category and they have been with me ever since I started using music in this way. My taste is very diverse, there is very little music I detest or reject on it's label alone. Every song needs to be listened to, no matter the artist or the genre it is from. And when it might not be for you, someone else is sure to give meaning to it in some form or another. My current biggest passion lies with the electronic. Punk, techno, industrial, you name it, I like it. There's just something about the contrast between synthesized sounds and the feelings they convey, as well as the immense diversity the genre has shown.
Relaxation can be achieved in many ways. Through music, through gaming, through being with friends and family, through doing nothing at all or lots of things at once. And it doesn't matter how you relax, as long as you do relax once in a while. Being busy all the time can be rewarding but in calm and quiet you find new appreciation for things and it lets you get perspective on a lot of things.
Sav.
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