...these peaks and valleys are beginning to take their toll.
The first line of the song that perfectly describes my life. For over 5 years now, I've been listening to it on and off. Mostly when the 'valleys' hit me like trucks. So I've not told a lot of people but...there is indeed something chemically wrong with me so as to cause these fluctuations. They hit whenever, unexpected and hard, sometimes one after another.
The extreme high, the lowest low. Mr. BPD as I like to call it, comes 'a knocking frequently and at the least opportune moments.
Insecurity, doubt, fear, anxiety, pride, jealousy, withdrawn behavior, they are all part of it.
Maybe saying no to medication was a mistake after all....
24 October 2010
Coming soon, to a blawg near you!
Essay..PART DEUX! That's right, I've been blogging for nearly a year now and in retrospect, this has been the most exciting year in my life since....I was born! So I will be revisiting my former 'masterpiece' to update it with a year's worth of pain, suffering, happiness and joy!
Sav.
P.S. If you haven't read it yet, check Nov '09 ;)
Sav.
P.S. If you haven't read it yet, check Nov '09 ;)
6 October 2010
Short scribbly
Sitting here at school, thinking about stuff. Mostly you....things running through my head: doubts, hopes, pictures, stories.
I wish I could tell you everything I want to, but I'm afraid. Afraid you might think I'm pushy, that I'm demanding; and I just don't want to lose you, because I like you. But you probably already figured that.
I'm not really sure what to do now, do I do it my way and risk it all or do I let things run it's course and see where it ends? Only one person has the answer to that and that's you. Then again, you probably won't even read this.
Had 3 hours of sleep last night and had to be up at 6, my mind's slightly cloudy but nevertheless pretty clear on some things: fighting spirit and zeal! Too many times have I backed out, given up, walked away and hung my head. I don't want to anymore, I cannot anymore. Fight for you is what I'll do, to my dying breath.
Why? Because you're worth it and ... because I'm worth it too.
Sav.
I wish I could tell you everything I want to, but I'm afraid. Afraid you might think I'm pushy, that I'm demanding; and I just don't want to lose you, because I like you. But you probably already figured that.
I'm not really sure what to do now, do I do it my way and risk it all or do I let things run it's course and see where it ends? Only one person has the answer to that and that's you. Then again, you probably won't even read this.
Had 3 hours of sleep last night and had to be up at 6, my mind's slightly cloudy but nevertheless pretty clear on some things: fighting spirit and zeal! Too many times have I backed out, given up, walked away and hung my head. I don't want to anymore, I cannot anymore. Fight for you is what I'll do, to my dying breath.
Why? Because you're worth it and ... because I'm worth it too.
Sav.
4 October 2010
Disappointment is my middle name
I bring it, I feel it, I hear it and I see it. One of the worst things in the world is to get your hopes up and having them crushed or trampled upon.
Yet every time we do it again, and again, and again. Why? Because we need something to hold on to, to think that there's something to live for. What is life worth if there is no hope? Not much I'd say...
Sometimes I think I try too hard, that I want it too much. Or is there no such thing and am I not to blame but the person on the other side?
I think that, in the end, hope is what keeps us going, so to give up hope and to throw it away would be foolish, even more foolish than to have hopes in the first place.
And do we not all hope for the best, even though we can't expect any of it to ever turn real?
Yet every time we do it again, and again, and again. Why? Because we need something to hold on to, to think that there's something to live for. What is life worth if there is no hope? Not much I'd say...
Sometimes I think I try too hard, that I want it too much. Or is there no such thing and am I not to blame but the person on the other side?
I think that, in the end, hope is what keeps us going, so to give up hope and to throw it away would be foolish, even more foolish than to have hopes in the first place.
And do we not all hope for the best, even though we can't expect any of it to ever turn real?
1 October 2010
'Heart'
(Return of) the Light
The light, the light
It used to shine so bright
Then it dimmed and faded
Disappeared into the night
Once so warm and soothing
Like a tight embrace
The sun, the moon, your gleaming eyes
They gazed onto my face
One day I woke in darkness
The light had slipped away
No longer held in comfort
Night fell upon the day
Cold and lonely were the hallways
In which I roamed for many weeks
Searching for your lost smile
Your rosy, blushing cheeks
Your darkened hair, your subtle skin
The words you spoke so true
Made me want to find the light again
For the light was surely you
My eyes grew used to blackness
Solitude became my soul
Forever doomed to loneliness
Always distant, never whole
Suddenly, a ray of shining sun
Made it so that I could see
A familiar figure in the doorway:
She had returned to me
Slowly I am now waking
Rekindling my will to fight
To protect what truly matters:
Only you....my light....
The light, the light
It used to shine so bright
Then it dimmed and faded
Disappeared into the night
Once so warm and soothing
Like a tight embrace
The sun, the moon, your gleaming eyes
They gazed onto my face
One day I woke in darkness
The light had slipped away
No longer held in comfort
Night fell upon the day
Cold and lonely were the hallways
In which I roamed for many weeks
Searching for your lost smile
Your rosy, blushing cheeks
Your darkened hair, your subtle skin
The words you spoke so true
Made me want to find the light again
For the light was surely you
My eyes grew used to blackness
Solitude became my soul
Forever doomed to loneliness
Always distant, never whole
Suddenly, a ray of shining sun
Made it so that I could see
A familiar figure in the doorway:
She had returned to me
Slowly I am now waking
Rekindling my will to fight
To protect what truly matters:
Only you....my light....
28 September 2010
It's a trap, you fucking idiot! *sigh*
You know that little voice inside your head? That tells you things that are glaringly obvious but you somehow don't want to see? This voice keeps telling me to stop being stupid and trusting people like my person always does.
As I pull yet another knife from out my back, with the blood also comes the pain of previous stabbings, adding up to a dull, throbbing pain centered in my head near that tiny voice. It's saying 'Told you so, maybe next time you'll listen'.
How many times can you yank a Jojo up and down before the cord breaks? This I wonder...And if that cord breaks, what happens then? Does the Jojo break too? Do you fix the cord?
If you slam it down often enough to actually destroy it, is it then even worth fixing? Isn't it just your own fault?
Enough with the stupid comparisons, here's the deal: betrayal, leading on, false hope, fake feelings. They suck, they sting, they hurt, all of that. Am I addicted to it somehow? Does my head have a big sign saying 'oeh hey there lady, take me, I'm easy!'? Or am I leading myself into these traps time and time again, setting myself up for failure.
I must be, the only other explanation is either really bad luck (he ran backwards into my knife, 15 times, I swear!) or is it something bigger than me that has decided I'm the perfect subject for the ultimate practical joke.
Sadly, I don't believe in either luck or something bigger than me....so what's left? To pick up the Jojo again and hope the string stays in one piece a little longer, until someone comes along who knows how to actually use the bloody thing.
As I pull yet another knife from out my back, with the blood also comes the pain of previous stabbings, adding up to a dull, throbbing pain centered in my head near that tiny voice. It's saying 'Told you so, maybe next time you'll listen'.
How many times can you yank a Jojo up and down before the cord breaks? This I wonder...And if that cord breaks, what happens then? Does the Jojo break too? Do you fix the cord?
If you slam it down often enough to actually destroy it, is it then even worth fixing? Isn't it just your own fault?
Enough with the stupid comparisons, here's the deal: betrayal, leading on, false hope, fake feelings. They suck, they sting, they hurt, all of that. Am I addicted to it somehow? Does my head have a big sign saying 'oeh hey there lady, take me, I'm easy!'? Or am I leading myself into these traps time and time again, setting myself up for failure.
I must be, the only other explanation is either really bad luck (he ran backwards into my knife, 15 times, I swear!) or is it something bigger than me that has decided I'm the perfect subject for the ultimate practical joke.
Sadly, I don't believe in either luck or something bigger than me....so what's left? To pick up the Jojo again and hope the string stays in one piece a little longer, until someone comes along who knows how to actually use the bloody thing.
4 September 2010
School is for learning!
School has started again, and this year I too am part of the new league of first year does, looking around as if stricken with flashy, bright headlights.
Only, in a way, I can be considered a seasoned deer, already having spent 4 years in college but without much luck.
The instant I stepped into the classroom to meet my new classmates I knew I would be the 'oldest' this time around, usually looked upon with pity and seen as an old fart with nothing usefull to say. Also, the fear struck me, if even for a second or two, to still be that guy who entered college 5 years ago. Timid, silent, socially inept and withdrawn...
Like hell that was gonna be me! I was, and still am, determined to not be those guys and I succeeded. You can only make one first impression as they say and although that is not my strong suit, I managed quite well to leave a mark on that meeting and the one after that.
A few days after the first meeting came the so-called introduction day. Intended to get to know ones classmates, seniors and chosen city of learning, the planning always includes games and hikes. It also never gets done the way it is planned, for as early as 10.30 we were sat in front of a bar in the warm sun, enjoying our first glass of beer of the day with many more to come.
My class turned out to be the official 'most fun class' of the new year as we instantly all bonded and had a great time until the sun set and people departed to far-off beds to prepare for the early morning in class the very next day.
I sat in the train feeling fulfilled and kinda happy. I got accepted even though I am 7 years everyone's senior, proving that you are only as old as you feel and behave. The fact I'm mentally 16 and I act like that worked to my advantage this time...
Besides my now well-known tolerance to alcohol and knack for silly puns, sarcasm and dirty wit, I have also proven myself to be reliable and knowledgeable in the fields my study requires me to be proficient in.
'But Sav...is it all good and well in your life then?', one could ask. Nope, it is not or should I say, of course it is not. The things bothering me did not go poof overnight nor will they ever. The many issues, the many insecurities, the many problems, the many downers, they all still linger. I just have less time now to worry about them, which is probably for the best.
Sav.
Only, in a way, I can be considered a seasoned deer, already having spent 4 years in college but without much luck.
The instant I stepped into the classroom to meet my new classmates I knew I would be the 'oldest' this time around, usually looked upon with pity and seen as an old fart with nothing usefull to say. Also, the fear struck me, if even for a second or two, to still be that guy who entered college 5 years ago. Timid, silent, socially inept and withdrawn...
Like hell that was gonna be me! I was, and still am, determined to not be those guys and I succeeded. You can only make one first impression as they say and although that is not my strong suit, I managed quite well to leave a mark on that meeting and the one after that.
A few days after the first meeting came the so-called introduction day. Intended to get to know ones classmates, seniors and chosen city of learning, the planning always includes games and hikes. It also never gets done the way it is planned, for as early as 10.30 we were sat in front of a bar in the warm sun, enjoying our first glass of beer of the day with many more to come.
My class turned out to be the official 'most fun class' of the new year as we instantly all bonded and had a great time until the sun set and people departed to far-off beds to prepare for the early morning in class the very next day.
I sat in the train feeling fulfilled and kinda happy. I got accepted even though I am 7 years everyone's senior, proving that you are only as old as you feel and behave. The fact I'm mentally 16 and I act like that worked to my advantage this time...
Besides my now well-known tolerance to alcohol and knack for silly puns, sarcasm and dirty wit, I have also proven myself to be reliable and knowledgeable in the fields my study requires me to be proficient in.
'But Sav...is it all good and well in your life then?', one could ask. Nope, it is not or should I say, of course it is not. The things bothering me did not go poof overnight nor will they ever. The many issues, the many insecurities, the many problems, the many downers, they all still linger. I just have less time now to worry about them, which is probably for the best.
Sav.
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