As I'm sitting here, I find my head eerily calm. There is nothing running around in there at the moment, a far cry from say... an hour ago. I know what it is that haunts me, I know why and how as well. But there is no way out. No way that will end in anything remotely good.
Doors 1, 2 and 3 lie before me. Door 1 leads down the familiar hallways, the eternal loop, the same old thing. Door 2 leads to heartbreak, a double dose. Maybe something worse as well, I don't know. I don't want to take that door if I can help it.
Door 3 leads to the End. The End of all Ends, the blackest black. A road that would hurt everyone but me, a road who's door I had nearly opened once but decided against taking then. It's the easiest one to take, considering.
But the calm in my head says I shouldn't. Because recently, someone told me about hope and that there's always some left somewhere. Always someone out there who loves you and believes in you. That thought is the only thing keeping me here right now.
Door 1 and 2 are bad places too, they will take me down roads that slash at my knees and rip at my clothes until I am a bloody mess. One of them will lead me out of that cursed forest, battered, beaten, scarred..but not broken.
Which one is it? I hope it comes to me before the gale inside my head starts picking up again, making all into a cacophony of howls and screeches.
It is 4.30am, I am....alone.
7 January 2011
4 January 2011
What's that thing on your keychain?
Because people like to ask questions and I like answering them, I thought I'd humor everyone by compiling a (really) short list to symbolism in my life.
The Ankh
The Ankh stands for life, infinity in loops and for me, friendship.
The symbol in question has been hanging from my keychain for years now and has been going everywhere with me. It was a gift from a dear friend for my 16th birthday, who got it from Egypt. I cherish it for its sentimental value but also its meanings.
Life, we all have it and we'll all lose it at some point. I'm not to bothered about the 'when' because the 'if' is a certainty. Live life to the fullest, avoid regrets at the end.
Infinity, in loops or just on its own, is a common theme. Life to death to new life. Recycling of all kinds. It can also refer to the cycle of mistakes one makes or the inevitable loops some of us end up in. They are hard to break.
Friendship is the most important thing in the world to me. Without my friends, there would be no me. I rely on them as much as some of them rely on me and that comforts me, knowing people out there support each other.
The Heart
The heart stands for love, for hope and for feelings. It doesn't show up much in my daily life besides the one beating in my chest and others, and the ones I try to send to a special someone when I can.
Love, so warm yet so cold. So inviting yet so repulsing. It can delight you in the basking warm rays or burn you in its scarring flames. We all need it, crave it on a deep down level of our hearts. We might get burned over and over or we get lucky and find that one person that makes us happy for the rest of our lives. Whatever the case, love will always be there in some form. Whether we like it or not.
Hope is something you need to survive. It's needed to cling onto in situations that seem to have none of it. Friends and loved ones can provide you with it or you can conjure up some yourself if you are that strong a person. Hope is the last barrier between you and horribly wrong choices.
Feeling are what I am proud of, in secret. Most people don't see me the way some of you do, the way I really am. The society we live in does not appreciate an overflow of emotions in a man and I adapt to that. I remain stoic and wholly masked when I'm outside, giving off an air of indifference and boredom at the world around me. Inside and to my closest friends, I shed that cloak and share what I feel. I hug, I cuddle, I cry, I despair about everyday things. As everyone should. Until that day, this is me in disguise.
The Skull
The skull represents death, but also reason in thinking and hardiness. It's omnipresent in my life, especially my room. Stuffed with horror movies, scary books and posters, it looked more like a freak-show than a bedroom before I changed it around.
I've come close to death on more than one occasion, though not quite on a personal level. Important people around me have died, not all in a peaceful way, and for some of them I wept tears of joy, that there passing was earned and they'd gotten a better life, if you believe in that. For some I wept tears of bitterness, for they weren't supposed to go yet and it might have been better had I been in there place. Tears of sorrow were shed for both my parents, whom I nearly lost 7 years ago due to unforeseen circumstances. I'll never forget what that was like, feeling like any minute I could be totally alone in the world so I'm happy it didn't come to pass.
Reason in thinking is an aspect of myself I take pride in. Underneath the emotions is a part of me that is capable of cold, hard decision-making. I can be ruthless if needed be. According to various 'official' tests that I don't care about, I have an IQ of over 145, well big woop. Being intelligent is having good brains, being smart is using those brains. I'm mostly in the former category, not caring about using this intellect but for what interests me. A downside of having it I guess. Strategic thinking, problem analysis and seeing the big picture are some of my qualities, as showing from my almost complete degree in (human) resource management. Some call it boring, I call it 'having control'.
Hardiness is a necessity in life. Getting back up after the fall, taking the blows and withstanding whatever gets thrown at you. At times, I sink in a well of self-pity but in a way I do always come out. There's always something or someone that gives me that last nudge that I needed to recover, where hardiness and steadfastness kept me afloat for the rest of the duration. The ability to not stay down will serve one until the end.
The Music Key
The music key represents music and relaxation. I listen to music every minute that I am awake. Extensive playlists on my Youtube account, my Spotify account and my pc assure me that there is always something to listen to. And every day, my collection grows because other people introduce me to new songs that fit my bill.
Music is a way for me to adjust my setting and surrounding to my mood. Anger, sadness, joy or nostalgia, all have their own music associated with it. 'Theme songs' signify the most powerful music in a specific category and they have been with me ever since I started using music in this way. My taste is very diverse, there is very little music I detest or reject on it's label alone. Every song needs to be listened to, no matter the artist or the genre it is from. And when it might not be for you, someone else is sure to give meaning to it in some form or another. My current biggest passion lies with the electronic. Punk, techno, industrial, you name it, I like it. There's just something about the contrast between synthesized sounds and the feelings they convey, as well as the immense diversity the genre has shown.
Relaxation can be achieved in many ways. Through music, through gaming, through being with friends and family, through doing nothing at all or lots of things at once. And it doesn't matter how you relax, as long as you do relax once in a while. Being busy all the time can be rewarding but in calm and quiet you find new appreciation for things and it lets you get perspective on a lot of things.
Sav.
The Ankh
The Ankh stands for life, infinity in loops and for me, friendship.
The symbol in question has been hanging from my keychain for years now and has been going everywhere with me. It was a gift from a dear friend for my 16th birthday, who got it from Egypt. I cherish it for its sentimental value but also its meanings.
Life, we all have it and we'll all lose it at some point. I'm not to bothered about the 'when' because the 'if' is a certainty. Live life to the fullest, avoid regrets at the end.
Infinity, in loops or just on its own, is a common theme. Life to death to new life. Recycling of all kinds. It can also refer to the cycle of mistakes one makes or the inevitable loops some of us end up in. They are hard to break.
Friendship is the most important thing in the world to me. Without my friends, there would be no me. I rely on them as much as some of them rely on me and that comforts me, knowing people out there support each other.
The Heart
The heart stands for love, for hope and for feelings. It doesn't show up much in my daily life besides the one beating in my chest and others, and the ones I try to send to a special someone when I can.
Love, so warm yet so cold. So inviting yet so repulsing. It can delight you in the basking warm rays or burn you in its scarring flames. We all need it, crave it on a deep down level of our hearts. We might get burned over and over or we get lucky and find that one person that makes us happy for the rest of our lives. Whatever the case, love will always be there in some form. Whether we like it or not.
Hope is something you need to survive. It's needed to cling onto in situations that seem to have none of it. Friends and loved ones can provide you with it or you can conjure up some yourself if you are that strong a person. Hope is the last barrier between you and horribly wrong choices.
Feeling are what I am proud of, in secret. Most people don't see me the way some of you do, the way I really am. The society we live in does not appreciate an overflow of emotions in a man and I adapt to that. I remain stoic and wholly masked when I'm outside, giving off an air of indifference and boredom at the world around me. Inside and to my closest friends, I shed that cloak and share what I feel. I hug, I cuddle, I cry, I despair about everyday things. As everyone should. Until that day, this is me in disguise.
The Skull
The skull represents death, but also reason in thinking and hardiness. It's omnipresent in my life, especially my room. Stuffed with horror movies, scary books and posters, it looked more like a freak-show than a bedroom before I changed it around.
I've come close to death on more than one occasion, though not quite on a personal level. Important people around me have died, not all in a peaceful way, and for some of them I wept tears of joy, that there passing was earned and they'd gotten a better life, if you believe in that. For some I wept tears of bitterness, for they weren't supposed to go yet and it might have been better had I been in there place. Tears of sorrow were shed for both my parents, whom I nearly lost 7 years ago due to unforeseen circumstances. I'll never forget what that was like, feeling like any minute I could be totally alone in the world so I'm happy it didn't come to pass.
Reason in thinking is an aspect of myself I take pride in. Underneath the emotions is a part of me that is capable of cold, hard decision-making. I can be ruthless if needed be. According to various 'official' tests that I don't care about, I have an IQ of over 145, well big woop. Being intelligent is having good brains, being smart is using those brains. I'm mostly in the former category, not caring about using this intellect but for what interests me. A downside of having it I guess. Strategic thinking, problem analysis and seeing the big picture are some of my qualities, as showing from my almost complete degree in (human) resource management. Some call it boring, I call it 'having control'.
Hardiness is a necessity in life. Getting back up after the fall, taking the blows and withstanding whatever gets thrown at you. At times, I sink in a well of self-pity but in a way I do always come out. There's always something or someone that gives me that last nudge that I needed to recover, where hardiness and steadfastness kept me afloat for the rest of the duration. The ability to not stay down will serve one until the end.
The Music Key
The music key represents music and relaxation. I listen to music every minute that I am awake. Extensive playlists on my Youtube account, my Spotify account and my pc assure me that there is always something to listen to. And every day, my collection grows because other people introduce me to new songs that fit my bill.
Music is a way for me to adjust my setting and surrounding to my mood. Anger, sadness, joy or nostalgia, all have their own music associated with it. 'Theme songs' signify the most powerful music in a specific category and they have been with me ever since I started using music in this way. My taste is very diverse, there is very little music I detest or reject on it's label alone. Every song needs to be listened to, no matter the artist or the genre it is from. And when it might not be for you, someone else is sure to give meaning to it in some form or another. My current biggest passion lies with the electronic. Punk, techno, industrial, you name it, I like it. There's just something about the contrast between synthesized sounds and the feelings they convey, as well as the immense diversity the genre has shown.
Relaxation can be achieved in many ways. Through music, through gaming, through being with friends and family, through doing nothing at all or lots of things at once. And it doesn't matter how you relax, as long as you do relax once in a while. Being busy all the time can be rewarding but in calm and quiet you find new appreciation for things and it lets you get perspective on a lot of things.
Sav.
27 December 2010
Tomorrow will be okay
Wall of text after the video.
What do you do when you go against everyone? Ignore every opinion and piece of advice because you 'feel' something?
Am I right in doing what I do because I believe something or am I a stubborn idiot on a crash course.
I'm on the outside
and I'm looking in
The above song suddenly made perfect sense to me. I'm great at distancing myself and looking at a situation objectively, analyzing it and coming up with a way to deal with whatever is wrong. However when I try to follow that plan, trouble starts. I have to lose my objectivity and feelings mess it all up again.
I seem to be between a rock and a hard place, far from the warm and safe spot I want to be in. Do I do the 'right' thing or the....'right' thing? There is no right thing when it comes to feelings, only love or pain.
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
You are like me in many ways, you feel you're not right, not complete, not normal whatever that is. And because you are like me I can relate. I know how you feel and what goes on in your head..mostly.
All the times
That I've cried
All this wasted
It's all inside
And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It's back again
And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can't mend
It aches. It stings. It burns. It hurts. Every time you disappear, every time you're there but not really. Every time I miss you. Every time I think about you. Every time I see people kissing, walking hand in hand or enjoying themselves.
Lots of times I don't understand things, I try to understand but you can't or won't let me. It's hard to start a conversation, to continue it or to have it be about something important.
So why do I still feel like I do. Why is there this burning love that still fills me up when I see you, even when you don't see me. I had hoped you could tell me but you can't. I don't know if you can even tell yourself.
But I feel
Tomorrow will be okay
In the end I always go on. Mostly by myself with support from those who really matter. Those who care and think I should go on in the first place. After every fatal mistake I make they don't say 'I told you so'. They say 'I'm sorry for what happened, please recover and become yourself again'.
No matter how bad I feel or will feel in time to come, tomorrow....will be okay.
What do you do when you go against everyone? Ignore every opinion and piece of advice because you 'feel' something?
Am I right in doing what I do because I believe something or am I a stubborn idiot on a crash course.
I'm on the outside
and I'm looking in
The above song suddenly made perfect sense to me. I'm great at distancing myself and looking at a situation objectively, analyzing it and coming up with a way to deal with whatever is wrong. However when I try to follow that plan, trouble starts. I have to lose my objectivity and feelings mess it all up again.
I seem to be between a rock and a hard place, far from the warm and safe spot I want to be in. Do I do the 'right' thing or the....'right' thing? There is no right thing when it comes to feelings, only love or pain.
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
You are like me in many ways, you feel you're not right, not complete, not normal whatever that is. And because you are like me I can relate. I know how you feel and what goes on in your head..mostly.
All the times
That I've cried
All this wasted
It's all inside
And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It's back again
And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can't mend
It aches. It stings. It burns. It hurts. Every time you disappear, every time you're there but not really. Every time I miss you. Every time I think about you. Every time I see people kissing, walking hand in hand or enjoying themselves.
Lots of times I don't understand things, I try to understand but you can't or won't let me. It's hard to start a conversation, to continue it or to have it be about something important.
So why do I still feel like I do. Why is there this burning love that still fills me up when I see you, even when you don't see me. I had hoped you could tell me but you can't. I don't know if you can even tell yourself.
But I feel
Tomorrow will be okay
In the end I always go on. Mostly by myself with support from those who really matter. Those who care and think I should go on in the first place. After every fatal mistake I make they don't say 'I told you so'. They say 'I'm sorry for what happened, please recover and become yourself again'.
No matter how bad I feel or will feel in time to come, tomorrow....will be okay.
22 November 2010
Only the Best Days
Not all is bleak and dark. Behold, my fondest memories!
- My first visit to the yearly rally in the region, 1993. Standing outside at the end of November in the freezing cold at 3AM with my dad, my uncles and my cousins. Almost falling asleep against a tree inbetween trials and being taken to the nearest bar for....hot coco.
- Family holiday in Center Parks for my parents' 25th wedding anniversary, 2010. All 6 of us together, just having fun. Spending the day in the tropical pool, eating old-style hamburgers, relaxing in the hot tub, having a fantastic grilled meal in our VIP-cottage with sauna, sitting on the sofa's watching 'Australia' and getting pleasantly drunk off of the Beertender brews.
- Watching the 'Tour of Eleven Cities' with my dad, 1997. Being waken up at 4.30 in the morning for a surprise, going down and seeing the couch pulled up to the TV and snacks all over the table. Sitting down and watching the start of the first and so far only Tour of my life. We sat there all day, till the finish line closed at 11.59PM and we felt sorry for the people who finished a minute too late and didn't get their reward. 'Watch and enjoy son, this is a unique event and there may never be one ever again'....oh how right he has been.
- Touching down in Poland after a 2 hour flight, 2009. My first plane trip, my first holiday, my first time further away than my own country, my first time visiting WoW-folk, my first time away on my own, my first time clubbing and dancing. And for all that, only 2 days of planning went into it. The biggest leap of faith I've ever taken and the one that paid out the most. Perhaps not right away but certainly the aftereffects.
- My first kiss, 2009. Every detail, every smell, every feeling...Burned into my memory for all times.
- Discovery of my musical tastes, 2007. One slow Wednesday evening, I tuned into the WoW-Radio show 'the Lorekeepers' and got blasted by VNV Nation's 'Honor'. It changed the way I looked and still look at music and the type of music I prefer. Electronic, Industrial, Techno, this is my kind of music!
- Purchasing a major appliance with hard-earned cash, 2004. A big, shiny beast of a computer. Put together from selected parts by Dell, this black beauty still serves me well. She will be retired within a month, to be replaced with a significant upgrade. She won't be forgotten though.
- First time I got drunk, 1994. My Holy Communion, a big occasion over here and reason to party hard. I spent the evening emptying my esteemed guests' beer bottles with my straw, resulting in my parents putting me underneath a stream of cold water in the shower, afraid I might pass out from euphoria and/or alcohol overdose. Sipping beer through straws is not done, especially not when 8 years old...
- My first visit to the yearly rally in the region, 1993. Standing outside at the end of November in the freezing cold at 3AM with my dad, my uncles and my cousins. Almost falling asleep against a tree inbetween trials and being taken to the nearest bar for....hot coco.
- Family holiday in Center Parks for my parents' 25th wedding anniversary, 2010. All 6 of us together, just having fun. Spending the day in the tropical pool, eating old-style hamburgers, relaxing in the hot tub, having a fantastic grilled meal in our VIP-cottage with sauna, sitting on the sofa's watching 'Australia' and getting pleasantly drunk off of the Beertender brews.
- Watching the 'Tour of Eleven Cities' with my dad, 1997. Being waken up at 4.30 in the morning for a surprise, going down and seeing the couch pulled up to the TV and snacks all over the table. Sitting down and watching the start of the first and so far only Tour of my life. We sat there all day, till the finish line closed at 11.59PM and we felt sorry for the people who finished a minute too late and didn't get their reward. 'Watch and enjoy son, this is a unique event and there may never be one ever again'....oh how right he has been.
- Touching down in Poland after a 2 hour flight, 2009. My first plane trip, my first holiday, my first time further away than my own country, my first time visiting WoW-folk, my first time away on my own, my first time clubbing and dancing. And for all that, only 2 days of planning went into it. The biggest leap of faith I've ever taken and the one that paid out the most. Perhaps not right away but certainly the aftereffects.
- My first kiss, 2009. Every detail, every smell, every feeling...Burned into my memory for all times.
- Discovery of my musical tastes, 2007. One slow Wednesday evening, I tuned into the WoW-Radio show 'the Lorekeepers' and got blasted by VNV Nation's 'Honor'. It changed the way I looked and still look at music and the type of music I prefer. Electronic, Industrial, Techno, this is my kind of music!
- Purchasing a major appliance with hard-earned cash, 2004. A big, shiny beast of a computer. Put together from selected parts by Dell, this black beauty still serves me well. She will be retired within a month, to be replaced with a significant upgrade. She won't be forgotten though.
- First time I got drunk, 1994. My Holy Communion, a big occasion over here and reason to party hard. I spent the evening emptying my esteemed guests' beer bottles with my straw, resulting in my parents putting me underneath a stream of cold water in the shower, afraid I might pass out from euphoria and/or alcohol overdose. Sipping beer through straws is not done, especially not when 8 years old...
6 November 2010
Post at 2.45am? That can't be good!
Sure it can, actually! Had some creative thoughts flow to me and had to write stuff down, as usual. So enjoy this 'thingy' I thought up, based on my current situation but not aimed at anyone in particular. It's got an intro and everything.
'All about me'
Without day, there is no night
Without darkness, there is no light
Without good, no bad
Without black, no white
If springtime is the beginning and winter is the end
Then my life is now in summer, autumn lurking ‘round the bend
I am hoping to get there some day with no sorrow and no regrets
And a very special someone, taking me by the hand
All I ask is understanding, tender love and care
Give me what I give you, for it is only fair
I want truth and attention, a kiss and a smile
Can you handle that? Come and prove it, if you dare
Demands are not an option, this is mostly give and take
Scold me never for my flaws, only the wrong choices that I make
Good days, bad days, happy days and sad days
Each moment I want to share with you, while asleep and while awake
I do not have all the answers and that would not be much fun
Not choosing my own battles, only those that could be won
But it is the lost ones that count too, that make me who I am
Not just the good things, but also the bad stuff I have done
Maybe I should ask you, to forgive me for being me
But that is just the thing, I can not do that, see
If you can not take me for who I am
Then I am sorry, but we are not meant to be
It took some time to realize, some time before it got through
We all get what we deserve, whatever we are due
All I ask is that special someone with me
And that someone...that is you.....
'All about me'
Without day, there is no night
Without darkness, there is no light
Without good, no bad
Without black, no white
If springtime is the beginning and winter is the end
Then my life is now in summer, autumn lurking ‘round the bend
I am hoping to get there some day with no sorrow and no regrets
And a very special someone, taking me by the hand
All I ask is understanding, tender love and care
Give me what I give you, for it is only fair
I want truth and attention, a kiss and a smile
Can you handle that? Come and prove it, if you dare
Demands are not an option, this is mostly give and take
Scold me never for my flaws, only the wrong choices that I make
Good days, bad days, happy days and sad days
Each moment I want to share with you, while asleep and while awake
I do not have all the answers and that would not be much fun
Not choosing my own battles, only those that could be won
But it is the lost ones that count too, that make me who I am
Not just the good things, but also the bad stuff I have done
Maybe I should ask you, to forgive me for being me
But that is just the thing, I can not do that, see
If you can not take me for who I am
Then I am sorry, but we are not meant to be
It took some time to realize, some time before it got through
We all get what we deserve, whatever we are due
All I ask is that special someone with me
And that someone...that is you.....
28 October 2010
Reflection doesn't only happen in mirrors and lakes
No intro needed, just get your coffee-mugs ready and keep your Red Bull's chilled! It's gonna be a long and bumpy ride!
The Seven Deadly Sins
and
The Seven Holy Virtues
2010
The 7 Deadly Sins and their counterparts, the 7 Holy Virtues have been around for ages, longer than I care to remember or recite here. The fact is that they still remain today as a sort of standard to which one’s life is measured, to determine one’s good and bad sides.
No longer are they solely tied to the church or religion, their meanings mostly simplified and adapted to the modern Western lifestyle.
One year ago, someone dear to me asked me a series of questions, told me a series of stories and shared with me a series of thoughts that changed my life forever. At the end of all that, she asked me to make this list of the 7 Virtues and Sins and to apply them to how I perceived myself or thought myself perceived. I completed that ‘assignment’ and posted it as the premiere of my new blog.
One year ago, I could not see how much my life had changed and certainly not how much further this change would continue into the future. If you had told me then, all the things that have happened this year, all the things I have seen and done, I would have laughed in your face and called you insane....
One year ago, I started something, something I will continue today. As a record of my perpetual growth, or maybe my eternal stagnation, I give you this follow up. My take on myself as I am at this point in time.
Lust/Chastity
‘Lust is usually thought of as excessive thoughts or desires of a sexual nature’
‘Giving in to lusts can lead to sexual or sociological compulsions and/or transgressions including (but not limited to) sexual addiction, fornication, adultery, bestiality, rape, perversion, and incest’
‘Chastity is sexual behaviour of a man or woman acceptable to the ethical norms and guidelines of a culture, civilization, or religion’
‘In the western world, the term has become closely associated with sexual abstinence, especially before marriage. However, the term remains applicable to persons in all states, single or married, clerical or lay, and has implications beyond sexual temperance’
I am a man. Men think about sex, a lot. This has been proven by various studies over the years and I have yet to find any man that stands up to this so-called stereotype. Men are not alone in their thinking, I give you that. Women too indulge in similar thoughts, they are usually just not as open or forward about it.
I like to think about sex, eroticism, nudity and the likes. I have never made a secret of it, not to anyone. On the other side of that coin, I also think a lot about the ‘softer’ sides of Lust. Namely romance, intimacy, sexual respect and the emotional connection that comes with the previously mentioned engagements.
I think I have surprise some people the past 6 months or so with my thoughts and perceptions about said subject. Many do not take me for the romantic type. I blatantly mock sexuality, joke around online about it and hide nothing from my own personal life concerning sex or sexuality.
Why? Because I lack it. I lack it in all the finer ways that I summed up above. I can easily get my kicks from porn or fantasies, just like everyone else. But the aspects I value most, the bodily contact, the closeness of being with someone, be they a really good friend or a lover, those aspects I still miss in my life.
Nothing I have said or done this past year has changed my need for these basic things, nor the fact that I still have not attained them.
I have found love this year, multiple times. How deep and how significant these were, I cannot tell yet beyond speculation and wishful thinking. I do however know that I have found someone that fills me on a spiritual level as well as on a physical one. Someone that gives me before unknown feelings of completeness, compassion and care.
Due to circumstances we have not been together. Yet. This is where the wishful thinking comes in since I cannot for certain say when this will happen.
The old, more pessimistic, me would have added an ‘if’ to that last sentence, but the ‘new me’ will not. For once, I have hope and good faith that we will meet. And without putting too much pressure on it beforehand, I believe it will be as amazing as we both imagine it.
All that said, because I am human after all, I still indulge in sexual gratification at the rate and severity I have before. Same thing, same results, so to say. If anyone blames me for wanting to do that, be my guest. It would be like denying your own primal urges.
Gluttony/Temperance
‘Gluttony is the over-indulgence and over-consumption of anything to the point of waste’
‘It is considered a sin because of the excessive desire for food, or its withholding from the needy’
‘Temperance is constant mindfulness of others and one's surroundings; practicing self-control, abstention, and moderation’
Moderation, my old friend. By chance and by necessity I am driven to it. I cannot afford frequent or extravagant indulging in the physical matter by sheer lack of monetary resources. In simpler words: I’m nearly broke, my family is nearly broke and have been for a while now.
That said, because of the money I earned this year by working, part of which has gone towards my school fund, I have ‘indulged’ for the first time in the luxury of travel.
Having never stepped foot outside of my known world before September 2009, that being the larger part of the Netherlands and the tip of Belgium, impulses suddenly took over and by right of the free spirit I made several giant leaps into the unknown.
Not all of them worked out as great or as I had planned but they were never without positive effect. Many new friends I have gained through it, many unforgettable experiences and I would do it all again if I could, even considering the pain some have brought.
A small list of things: My first kiss, my first plane trip, my first döner kebab, my first visit to a non-Benelux country, my first tequila shots, my first proper guild meeting.
All those things because a year and two months ago, someone crazy and lovable said ‘come to my place for 10 days, don’t care that it’s 2 countries over and 2 hours flying away’ and a voice in my head said ‘do it, do it now or forever regret it and the dull life you will live’.
Thus it happened, that same week I hopped a plane to Poland and I never had any regrets (thank you Elwira). After that bold expedition I explored more of Belgium (thank you Michelle), the Netherlands (thank you Purdey) and more of Germany (thank you Christopher, thank you Jak and thank you Emilia). Soon I hope to add Britain (thank you Sophie, thank you Darren and thank you Owan) and Finland (thank you Sofia), perhaps even Norway and Sweden.
Still, indulgence is indulgence, even if it only brought positive change to my life. Temperance is thusly in order and not only in the monetary sense.
More and more I have found myself in situations where I stepped away from a situation, analysed it and where I came to the conclusion that I had to ‘take it more slowly’. I can be a lot of me sometimes. That can be a good thing, I like to give people my full attention, tell them about myself and my dealings with fiery passion, get into someone so much that they get every waking second of me. That is also where it becomes a bad thing. Tunnel vision, overexertion, clinginess and smothering can ensue. Things that have broken more than can ever be mended again.
Only ongoing work, perseverance and restraint can fix that, for I still suffer from this need to be recognised, to be acknowledged, to be loved like I love someone back.
As for the dietary part of Gluttony, I’ve maintained my weight goal of just below 80kgs without fail. Though I can and certainly wish to shed a few kilograms more, I think losing 40kgs/90lbs was a feat on it’s own, one that I to this day still don’t fully realise. My need for ‘comfort food’ and midnight snacks has all but disappeared which counterbalances the fact I gave up going to the gym twice a week.
I feel no need to gain more muscles than I already have and only Temperance can prevent me from gaining all that weight back again and maybe even make me lose a bit more if needed.
Greed/Charity
‘Greed is, like lust and gluttony, a sin of excess. However, greed is applied to the acquisition of wealth in particular’
‘Charity equals generosity, willingness to give, a nobility of thought or actions’
Wealth, even though I do not have and do not really need it, still remains a powerful stimulant in the background of some of my actions.
Going back to school for example was not only a decision made for the betterment of myself in the field of knowledge and social engagements. I was also one made for monetary reasons. The debt I have collected the past 5 years due to a failed education will be absolved if I manage to successfully graduate from the college I have joined this year.
Management, Economics and, most of all, Law, are my new goals the upcoming 4 years. Specialising to become an (international) judicial advisor is my aim, for I found out that I really like law and laws and that I can handle them fairly easy and fairly well.
The trips I make and plan to make cost money as well. For that purpose I want to ‘acquire’ more wealth as well.
Other than that, I still do not have much more need for luxury beyond what I already have. A computer, a TV and a phone are all that I require to live the quality of life that I desire. A car and a place to myself are next on the list but they are not so much luxuries as modern-day requirements for Western life. With my 24 years I am already considered as ‘running behind’ for still living at home, beginning college and not having a driver’s licence yet.
Charity in money is still not a big thing for me, seeing as I need all the cash I have for myself. Sure, I care about others that have it tougher than me but I still cannot reasonably convince myself that donating any of my own money will improve their situation more than it will worsen mine.
I do however still strive to give all that I can, and perhaps more than I can and should, emotionally as support or love and care.
Sloth/Diligence
‘Sloth is the failure to utilize one's talents and gifts’
‘Spiritual or emotional apathy, being physically and emotionally inactive’
‘Laziness and indifference’
‘Wasting due to lack of use, expanding into almost any person, place, thing, skills, or intangible ideal that would require maintenance, refinement, or support to continue to exist’
‘Diligence is a zealous and careful nature in one's actions and work. Decisive work ethic. Budgeting one's time; monitoring one's own activities to guard against laziness’
‘Rather be lazy than tired’ is what people that don’t know me very well sometimes say about me. In truth, some of that may be true. I do what it takes to get the job done, whatever it may be, and then call it a day.
But not because of indifference, but because I think I have better things to do with my limited time and energy. Not once have I forsaken a task that needed to be done because I would rather sleep or relax. When needed, asked or not, I have given it 110% because it was needed.
Despite all that, I remain a sloth in the sense that I enjoy my downtime, my sleep, my relaxation. I truly appreciate that rare bubble bath, that family dinner, that holiday or that day off where I can stay in bed until late in the afternoon. Nothing makes me happier than to be curled up beneath my blankets in deep, peaceful sleep, dreaming of better things.
Nothing gives me more joy than to sit down at a table with my family, in a relaxing atmosphere and sharing a meal or dinner.
But when work has to be done, I am ready for it. I have ‘worked’ worked. Physical labour, manual labour, repetitive labour. I have done it and although I may have resented its nature, I have not once complained. It had to be done, for various reasons, be they money, grades, respect or duty. And I would do it again, and again, if needed.
Wrath/Patience
‘Wrath is inordinate and uncontrolled feelings of hatred and anger’
‘Denial of the truth, both to others and in the form of self-denial, impatience with the procedure of law, the desire to seek revenge outside of the workings of the justice system and generally wishing to do evil or harm to others’
‘Patience is forbearance and endurance through moderation. Resolving conflicts peacefully, as opposed to resorting to violence. The ability to forgive; to show mercy’
Violence is not my thing, outside the stylings of virtual combat. Once in my life have I raised my fist to someone and I was made to regret it dearly (and so was he). The feeling that trigger physical response, however, remain. I am not trained in the arts of remaining calm at all costs. I too explode with anger sometimes, although rarely. This usually results in verbal measures. Cursing, swearing or general auditory bombardment with strong language and rage.
Most of the time I appear and remain calm. I am not easily angered or provoked into an angry response. Finding solutions to problems or avoiding them altogether are the methods I prefer to use. This quality has gotten me into difficult situations as well. My need for peaceful resolve instead of a direct and harsh approach aren’t always well perceived, nor appreciated by everyone. But even in those situations, I stand by my decisions, because they are mine and I will accept all consequences. Good or bad.
Envy/Kindness
‘Those who commit the sin of envy resent that another person has something they perceive themselves as lacking, and wish the other person to be deprived of it’
‘Sorrow for another’s good’
‘Kindness equals compassion, friendship, and empathy without prejudice and for its own sake’
Envy, or as continue to call it: Jealousy, is still my worst attribute to this day. It makes me such a different person sometimes, makes me say things I don’t mean and regret later, makes me take actions that are illogical, untruthful and hurtful.
Even though I resolved to take care of this issue when I identified it in my previous entry, not much has changed on this front. Partly because it is a hard thing to change, something based on trust that I have a hard time giving and partly because I have no reason yet to change it.
Though I can name many instances where my envy has led me to wrongdoings, they are still important lessons I learned, without which I would not be the man I am today.
But now that I consider myself to be in a relationship, this negative aspect of me, coupled with an ‘outside’ source of influence, has me sometimes crawling on the floor in despair. Issues with trust are incredibly hard to take away. Trust has to be earned and given equally. Yet my perception of trust is damaged and warped because of dealings in the past. I don’t give it out that easily and I do not accept it easily either.
The following conflicting emotions of jealousy and mistrust versus love, understanding and trust lead me to have severe anxiety attacks and episodes of paranoia and anger that are always, without fail, misdirected at friends, loved ones and myself.
Somehow, I need to change. Or, more accurately, someone needs to change me. Someone that can prove trust is still something I am capable of. Both on the receiving and the giving ends. Maybe I have already found that someone, time will tell. For now, it does seem this downside of me is tempered somewhat. Both by more rationalisation and by the earning of trust by that person.
My friends still, and always will, mean the world to me. As I have stated numerous times before: I would take a bullet for them, travel to the ends of the earth and back and even descend into hell and beyond to be there for them. To support them, embrace them and love them. If you are my friend, I would die for you.
This past year I have gained many friends. More so than in all the years before. Mostly because of my more open attitude towards life and the living, but also because of my ongoing struggle to be myself more. Though that is not yet a battle certainly won.
Some friends I have lost this year, though not many and most of them not permanently either, in my eyes. I have made mistakes, I owned up to them in most cases and I learned lessons from them.
Pride/Humility
‘Pride is a desire to be more important or attractive than others, failing to acknowledge the good work of others, and excessive love of self’
‘Love of self, perverted to hatred and contempt for one's neighbour’
‘Humility consists of modest behaviour, selflessness, and the giving of respect. Giving credit where credit is due; not unfairly glorifying one's own self’
Pride comes before the fall, but I have not yet fallen. I also don’t plan on doing that anytime soon. I take personal pride in the things I do, the feats I accomplish and the tasks I complete. I pat myself on the shoulder, doubly if no one else does it for me.
I do not seek glorification or idolisation but I do have a craving for recognition and the occasional pat on the back or ‘job well done’.
At school this is easily achieved. Good grades, an immaculate report or a well-prepared presentation are not hard to grade and gratification comes through that and the acknowledgement of my peers and elders.
At home, or more specifically in my personal life, this is not as easy. My parents are caring, loving people but I feel that they do not feel comfortable or perhaps lost in the ways of showing that they are proud of me or sometimes even care. I have to fish for compliments or that kind, supporting word. Even though I don’t want to have to do that, I still yearn for it.
On a deeper, emotional level, I want this even more. That feeling that you are loved, protected, cared for, is not easily gotten. Only specific persons can give that kind of feeling and they are rare finds in a lifetime. Once such a person appears, it is all the more important to receive these things from them, even when (or actually, especially when) they are not asked for, but simply given automatically.
Again that need for a deeper emotional connection comes up as the supporting line in this essay. One can say that it is all I want, though that would slightly short-sighted. It is definitely something that is lacking or has been lacking from my life up to this point and something I wish for more than anything in the world.
Love of self is a different issue altogether. Not in the overindulging kind of way, but the introspective meaning of the saying.
Several times in this essay have I reflected back upon this past year and the growth it has brought me. Getting to know myself better, understanding myself deeper and loving myself ever so slightly more are among the changes that have taken place. I still don’t have a very positive image of myself. I still bring myself down unnessecarily and worry about trivial aspects of my appearance and behaviour.
Yet I have made progress on this subject. I have all but done away with my aversion to compliments. I have finally discovered qualities of myself that I never held possible I had, even though people have been telling me for ages that I did. This has made me more open to accepting the views people give me of myself when asked or not asked for it. I see positive aspects of myself more clearly now and I embrace them. Perhaps there are some things I am inherently good at after all.
This bring me to the end of my reflection, again. I have purposely not read the old essay I wrote all those months ago so it would not have an effect on the things I would write down underneath the 7 headers. It is up to you readers now to judge whether the changes I have made are for the better or worse, or if they were any changes in me at all. Not all of you have known me long enough to be able to judge thusly, so you may take this wall of text as you first real introduction to me.
Those of you who remember me from more than a year ago and have perhaps even read my previous reflection are free to contact me whenever about anything you feel like discussing from all of the above.
Questions, remarks, comments, send them my way. I value your opinions greatly. Even though I wrote this mostly for myself, it does help in giving you all a better view of me, who I am and why I sometimes do the things I do. So therefore, if you have made it all the way down this incredibly long post, I commend you and, most of all, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Regards,
Robin
P.S. Special thanks of course to you, I can't even begin to say what you've meant and still mean to me!
The Seven Deadly Sins
and
The Seven Holy Virtues
2010
The 7 Deadly Sins and their counterparts, the 7 Holy Virtues have been around for ages, longer than I care to remember or recite here. The fact is that they still remain today as a sort of standard to which one’s life is measured, to determine one’s good and bad sides.
No longer are they solely tied to the church or religion, their meanings mostly simplified and adapted to the modern Western lifestyle.
One year ago, someone dear to me asked me a series of questions, told me a series of stories and shared with me a series of thoughts that changed my life forever. At the end of all that, she asked me to make this list of the 7 Virtues and Sins and to apply them to how I perceived myself or thought myself perceived. I completed that ‘assignment’ and posted it as the premiere of my new blog.
One year ago, I could not see how much my life had changed and certainly not how much further this change would continue into the future. If you had told me then, all the things that have happened this year, all the things I have seen and done, I would have laughed in your face and called you insane....
One year ago, I started something, something I will continue today. As a record of my perpetual growth, or maybe my eternal stagnation, I give you this follow up. My take on myself as I am at this point in time.
Lust/Chastity
‘Lust is usually thought of as excessive thoughts or desires of a sexual nature’
‘Giving in to lusts can lead to sexual or sociological compulsions and/or transgressions including (but not limited to) sexual addiction, fornication, adultery, bestiality, rape, perversion, and incest’
‘Chastity is sexual behaviour of a man or woman acceptable to the ethical norms and guidelines of a culture, civilization, or religion’
‘In the western world, the term has become closely associated with sexual abstinence, especially before marriage. However, the term remains applicable to persons in all states, single or married, clerical or lay, and has implications beyond sexual temperance’
I am a man. Men think about sex, a lot. This has been proven by various studies over the years and I have yet to find any man that stands up to this so-called stereotype. Men are not alone in their thinking, I give you that. Women too indulge in similar thoughts, they are usually just not as open or forward about it.
I like to think about sex, eroticism, nudity and the likes. I have never made a secret of it, not to anyone. On the other side of that coin, I also think a lot about the ‘softer’ sides of Lust. Namely romance, intimacy, sexual respect and the emotional connection that comes with the previously mentioned engagements.
I think I have surprise some people the past 6 months or so with my thoughts and perceptions about said subject. Many do not take me for the romantic type. I blatantly mock sexuality, joke around online about it and hide nothing from my own personal life concerning sex or sexuality.
Why? Because I lack it. I lack it in all the finer ways that I summed up above. I can easily get my kicks from porn or fantasies, just like everyone else. But the aspects I value most, the bodily contact, the closeness of being with someone, be they a really good friend or a lover, those aspects I still miss in my life.
Nothing I have said or done this past year has changed my need for these basic things, nor the fact that I still have not attained them.
I have found love this year, multiple times. How deep and how significant these were, I cannot tell yet beyond speculation and wishful thinking. I do however know that I have found someone that fills me on a spiritual level as well as on a physical one. Someone that gives me before unknown feelings of completeness, compassion and care.
Due to circumstances we have not been together. Yet. This is where the wishful thinking comes in since I cannot for certain say when this will happen.
The old, more pessimistic, me would have added an ‘if’ to that last sentence, but the ‘new me’ will not. For once, I have hope and good faith that we will meet. And without putting too much pressure on it beforehand, I believe it will be as amazing as we both imagine it.
All that said, because I am human after all, I still indulge in sexual gratification at the rate and severity I have before. Same thing, same results, so to say. If anyone blames me for wanting to do that, be my guest. It would be like denying your own primal urges.
Gluttony/Temperance
‘Gluttony is the over-indulgence and over-consumption of anything to the point of waste’
‘It is considered a sin because of the excessive desire for food, or its withholding from the needy’
‘Temperance is constant mindfulness of others and one's surroundings; practicing self-control, abstention, and moderation’
Moderation, my old friend. By chance and by necessity I am driven to it. I cannot afford frequent or extravagant indulging in the physical matter by sheer lack of monetary resources. In simpler words: I’m nearly broke, my family is nearly broke and have been for a while now.
That said, because of the money I earned this year by working, part of which has gone towards my school fund, I have ‘indulged’ for the first time in the luxury of travel.
Having never stepped foot outside of my known world before September 2009, that being the larger part of the Netherlands and the tip of Belgium, impulses suddenly took over and by right of the free spirit I made several giant leaps into the unknown.
Not all of them worked out as great or as I had planned but they were never without positive effect. Many new friends I have gained through it, many unforgettable experiences and I would do it all again if I could, even considering the pain some have brought.
A small list of things: My first kiss, my first plane trip, my first döner kebab, my first visit to a non-Benelux country, my first tequila shots, my first proper guild meeting.
All those things because a year and two months ago, someone crazy and lovable said ‘come to my place for 10 days, don’t care that it’s 2 countries over and 2 hours flying away’ and a voice in my head said ‘do it, do it now or forever regret it and the dull life you will live’.
Thus it happened, that same week I hopped a plane to Poland and I never had any regrets (thank you Elwira). After that bold expedition I explored more of Belgium (thank you Michelle), the Netherlands (thank you Purdey) and more of Germany (thank you Christopher, thank you Jak and thank you Emilia). Soon I hope to add Britain (thank you Sophie, thank you Darren and thank you Owan) and Finland (thank you Sofia), perhaps even Norway and Sweden.
Still, indulgence is indulgence, even if it only brought positive change to my life. Temperance is thusly in order and not only in the monetary sense.
More and more I have found myself in situations where I stepped away from a situation, analysed it and where I came to the conclusion that I had to ‘take it more slowly’. I can be a lot of me sometimes. That can be a good thing, I like to give people my full attention, tell them about myself and my dealings with fiery passion, get into someone so much that they get every waking second of me. That is also where it becomes a bad thing. Tunnel vision, overexertion, clinginess and smothering can ensue. Things that have broken more than can ever be mended again.
Only ongoing work, perseverance and restraint can fix that, for I still suffer from this need to be recognised, to be acknowledged, to be loved like I love someone back.
As for the dietary part of Gluttony, I’ve maintained my weight goal of just below 80kgs without fail. Though I can and certainly wish to shed a few kilograms more, I think losing 40kgs/90lbs was a feat on it’s own, one that I to this day still don’t fully realise. My need for ‘comfort food’ and midnight snacks has all but disappeared which counterbalances the fact I gave up going to the gym twice a week.
I feel no need to gain more muscles than I already have and only Temperance can prevent me from gaining all that weight back again and maybe even make me lose a bit more if needed.
Greed/Charity
‘Greed is, like lust and gluttony, a sin of excess. However, greed is applied to the acquisition of wealth in particular’
‘Charity equals generosity, willingness to give, a nobility of thought or actions’
Wealth, even though I do not have and do not really need it, still remains a powerful stimulant in the background of some of my actions.
Going back to school for example was not only a decision made for the betterment of myself in the field of knowledge and social engagements. I was also one made for monetary reasons. The debt I have collected the past 5 years due to a failed education will be absolved if I manage to successfully graduate from the college I have joined this year.
Management, Economics and, most of all, Law, are my new goals the upcoming 4 years. Specialising to become an (international) judicial advisor is my aim, for I found out that I really like law and laws and that I can handle them fairly easy and fairly well.
The trips I make and plan to make cost money as well. For that purpose I want to ‘acquire’ more wealth as well.
Other than that, I still do not have much more need for luxury beyond what I already have. A computer, a TV and a phone are all that I require to live the quality of life that I desire. A car and a place to myself are next on the list but they are not so much luxuries as modern-day requirements for Western life. With my 24 years I am already considered as ‘running behind’ for still living at home, beginning college and not having a driver’s licence yet.
Charity in money is still not a big thing for me, seeing as I need all the cash I have for myself. Sure, I care about others that have it tougher than me but I still cannot reasonably convince myself that donating any of my own money will improve their situation more than it will worsen mine.
I do however still strive to give all that I can, and perhaps more than I can and should, emotionally as support or love and care.
Sloth/Diligence
‘Sloth is the failure to utilize one's talents and gifts’
‘Spiritual or emotional apathy, being physically and emotionally inactive’
‘Laziness and indifference’
‘Wasting due to lack of use, expanding into almost any person, place, thing, skills, or intangible ideal that would require maintenance, refinement, or support to continue to exist’
‘Diligence is a zealous and careful nature in one's actions and work. Decisive work ethic. Budgeting one's time; monitoring one's own activities to guard against laziness’
‘Rather be lazy than tired’ is what people that don’t know me very well sometimes say about me. In truth, some of that may be true. I do what it takes to get the job done, whatever it may be, and then call it a day.
But not because of indifference, but because I think I have better things to do with my limited time and energy. Not once have I forsaken a task that needed to be done because I would rather sleep or relax. When needed, asked or not, I have given it 110% because it was needed.
Despite all that, I remain a sloth in the sense that I enjoy my downtime, my sleep, my relaxation. I truly appreciate that rare bubble bath, that family dinner, that holiday or that day off where I can stay in bed until late in the afternoon. Nothing makes me happier than to be curled up beneath my blankets in deep, peaceful sleep, dreaming of better things.
Nothing gives me more joy than to sit down at a table with my family, in a relaxing atmosphere and sharing a meal or dinner.
But when work has to be done, I am ready for it. I have ‘worked’ worked. Physical labour, manual labour, repetitive labour. I have done it and although I may have resented its nature, I have not once complained. It had to be done, for various reasons, be they money, grades, respect or duty. And I would do it again, and again, if needed.
Wrath/Patience
‘Wrath is inordinate and uncontrolled feelings of hatred and anger’
‘Denial of the truth, both to others and in the form of self-denial, impatience with the procedure of law, the desire to seek revenge outside of the workings of the justice system and generally wishing to do evil or harm to others’
‘Patience is forbearance and endurance through moderation. Resolving conflicts peacefully, as opposed to resorting to violence. The ability to forgive; to show mercy’
Violence is not my thing, outside the stylings of virtual combat. Once in my life have I raised my fist to someone and I was made to regret it dearly (and so was he). The feeling that trigger physical response, however, remain. I am not trained in the arts of remaining calm at all costs. I too explode with anger sometimes, although rarely. This usually results in verbal measures. Cursing, swearing or general auditory bombardment with strong language and rage.
Most of the time I appear and remain calm. I am not easily angered or provoked into an angry response. Finding solutions to problems or avoiding them altogether are the methods I prefer to use. This quality has gotten me into difficult situations as well. My need for peaceful resolve instead of a direct and harsh approach aren’t always well perceived, nor appreciated by everyone. But even in those situations, I stand by my decisions, because they are mine and I will accept all consequences. Good or bad.
Envy/Kindness
‘Those who commit the sin of envy resent that another person has something they perceive themselves as lacking, and wish the other person to be deprived of it’
‘Sorrow for another’s good’
‘Kindness equals compassion, friendship, and empathy without prejudice and for its own sake’
Envy, or as continue to call it: Jealousy, is still my worst attribute to this day. It makes me such a different person sometimes, makes me say things I don’t mean and regret later, makes me take actions that are illogical, untruthful and hurtful.
Even though I resolved to take care of this issue when I identified it in my previous entry, not much has changed on this front. Partly because it is a hard thing to change, something based on trust that I have a hard time giving and partly because I have no reason yet to change it.
Though I can name many instances where my envy has led me to wrongdoings, they are still important lessons I learned, without which I would not be the man I am today.
But now that I consider myself to be in a relationship, this negative aspect of me, coupled with an ‘outside’ source of influence, has me sometimes crawling on the floor in despair. Issues with trust are incredibly hard to take away. Trust has to be earned and given equally. Yet my perception of trust is damaged and warped because of dealings in the past. I don’t give it out that easily and I do not accept it easily either.
The following conflicting emotions of jealousy and mistrust versus love, understanding and trust lead me to have severe anxiety attacks and episodes of paranoia and anger that are always, without fail, misdirected at friends, loved ones and myself.
Somehow, I need to change. Or, more accurately, someone needs to change me. Someone that can prove trust is still something I am capable of. Both on the receiving and the giving ends. Maybe I have already found that someone, time will tell. For now, it does seem this downside of me is tempered somewhat. Both by more rationalisation and by the earning of trust by that person.
My friends still, and always will, mean the world to me. As I have stated numerous times before: I would take a bullet for them, travel to the ends of the earth and back and even descend into hell and beyond to be there for them. To support them, embrace them and love them. If you are my friend, I would die for you.
This past year I have gained many friends. More so than in all the years before. Mostly because of my more open attitude towards life and the living, but also because of my ongoing struggle to be myself more. Though that is not yet a battle certainly won.
Some friends I have lost this year, though not many and most of them not permanently either, in my eyes. I have made mistakes, I owned up to them in most cases and I learned lessons from them.
Pride/Humility
‘Pride is a desire to be more important or attractive than others, failing to acknowledge the good work of others, and excessive love of self’
‘Love of self, perverted to hatred and contempt for one's neighbour’
‘Humility consists of modest behaviour, selflessness, and the giving of respect. Giving credit where credit is due; not unfairly glorifying one's own self’
Pride comes before the fall, but I have not yet fallen. I also don’t plan on doing that anytime soon. I take personal pride in the things I do, the feats I accomplish and the tasks I complete. I pat myself on the shoulder, doubly if no one else does it for me.
I do not seek glorification or idolisation but I do have a craving for recognition and the occasional pat on the back or ‘job well done’.
At school this is easily achieved. Good grades, an immaculate report or a well-prepared presentation are not hard to grade and gratification comes through that and the acknowledgement of my peers and elders.
At home, or more specifically in my personal life, this is not as easy. My parents are caring, loving people but I feel that they do not feel comfortable or perhaps lost in the ways of showing that they are proud of me or sometimes even care. I have to fish for compliments or that kind, supporting word. Even though I don’t want to have to do that, I still yearn for it.
On a deeper, emotional level, I want this even more. That feeling that you are loved, protected, cared for, is not easily gotten. Only specific persons can give that kind of feeling and they are rare finds in a lifetime. Once such a person appears, it is all the more important to receive these things from them, even when (or actually, especially when) they are not asked for, but simply given automatically.
Again that need for a deeper emotional connection comes up as the supporting line in this essay. One can say that it is all I want, though that would slightly short-sighted. It is definitely something that is lacking or has been lacking from my life up to this point and something I wish for more than anything in the world.
Love of self is a different issue altogether. Not in the overindulging kind of way, but the introspective meaning of the saying.
Several times in this essay have I reflected back upon this past year and the growth it has brought me. Getting to know myself better, understanding myself deeper and loving myself ever so slightly more are among the changes that have taken place. I still don’t have a very positive image of myself. I still bring myself down unnessecarily and worry about trivial aspects of my appearance and behaviour.
Yet I have made progress on this subject. I have all but done away with my aversion to compliments. I have finally discovered qualities of myself that I never held possible I had, even though people have been telling me for ages that I did. This has made me more open to accepting the views people give me of myself when asked or not asked for it. I see positive aspects of myself more clearly now and I embrace them. Perhaps there are some things I am inherently good at after all.
This bring me to the end of my reflection, again. I have purposely not read the old essay I wrote all those months ago so it would not have an effect on the things I would write down underneath the 7 headers. It is up to you readers now to judge whether the changes I have made are for the better or worse, or if they were any changes in me at all. Not all of you have known me long enough to be able to judge thusly, so you may take this wall of text as you first real introduction to me.
Those of you who remember me from more than a year ago and have perhaps even read my previous reflection are free to contact me whenever about anything you feel like discussing from all of the above.
Questions, remarks, comments, send them my way. I value your opinions greatly. Even though I wrote this mostly for myself, it does help in giving you all a better view of me, who I am and why I sometimes do the things I do. So therefore, if you have made it all the way down this incredibly long post, I commend you and, most of all, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Regards,
Robin
P.S. Special thanks of course to you, I can't even begin to say what you've meant and still mean to me!
26 October 2010
Whatever we are, we are together
I think we kinda agreed on it last night, no matter how we feel, where we are, who we were or how we look, we're 'we'.
And that fact alone can make me wake up after 3 hours of sleep and feel rejuvenated. It can make a bad day good, a dark night comfortable. The thought of being with you, rain in the background and crackling fireplace before us while Godot's Theme plays gives me a feeling I've never felt before: deep, unconditional love.
I know about you, though not nearly enough as I'd like, but enough to be able to make decisions. I have seen you, though not nearly as long as I'd like, but enough to be able to say you are more gorgeous than my wildest dreams.
You say about yourself that sometimes you are withdrawn, quiet and taken in by other things: I know that as well but I disagree on the parts where you think this is a bad thing.
I trust you in every way possible, I share with you my flaws and fears. I wave your flaws aside and try to take away your fears because you're you and for all that has been said and done:
I LOVE YOU
And that fact alone can make me wake up after 3 hours of sleep and feel rejuvenated. It can make a bad day good, a dark night comfortable. The thought of being with you, rain in the background and crackling fireplace before us while Godot's Theme plays gives me a feeling I've never felt before: deep, unconditional love.
I know about you, though not nearly enough as I'd like, but enough to be able to make decisions. I have seen you, though not nearly as long as I'd like, but enough to be able to say you are more gorgeous than my wildest dreams.
You say about yourself that sometimes you are withdrawn, quiet and taken in by other things: I know that as well but I disagree on the parts where you think this is a bad thing.
I trust you in every way possible, I share with you my flaws and fears. I wave your flaws aside and try to take away your fears because you're you and for all that has been said and done:
I LOVE YOU
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