Time flies, time flows, time stops

4 months I have been pondering whether or not to post anything here because I figured 'who would read it anyway' before I re-realized why I made this blog in the first place: to pen down stuff for myself, to get things off my chest, regardless of the fact if anyone reads it or not.

I lost my cheer. That is, in short, the past 4 months since my last post. The previous post probably tipped you off about it but today it hit me that this is what's missing. Something so good and so fulfilling it brightens up my life, something to make me smile from ear to ear and make me thread lightly around the house.

People around me have found that something, in different ways, and I am happy for them but being happy for someone else is not the same as being happy for and with oneself. In fact, it stings when seeing other people happy when you yourself are not. I know that is a bleak way to look at things but let's be honest, I never hid the fact I'm really a pessimistic 'glass half-empty' kind of guy in the first place. I need not even mention the 'J-word', just scroll down to my very first post if you need your memory refreshed.

Things that have been going on lately, which will be detailed further later on, my job and school and general personal life, have given me little to be cheery about. And yes, I know people keep saying to look at the bright side but it's not my strong suit, as much as I want it to be.

I don't like being a downer either, I hate the fact that more often than not I am the partypooper, the guy that makes other people's day bad or worse, the one that always finds something to nag about often just to be able to complain.

What I need is a focal point, something to look forward to, something that can serve as a beacon, a goal of sorts. Right now that something is missing and I just go through the motions of daily life, which is a boring chore.

I got a job. Temporary at best, until I can go back to school in September. It's not the most mind-numbing thing but it does lack excitement or stimulation, unless you consider bruises, cuts and the ever present danger of losing a finger or arm in a press exciting. It brings in the money, money that's been reserved for a purpose since even before it was deposited in my account, namely...

School. Back to the benches it is for me come September 1st. 4 years of studying, books, numbers and daily travel to my destination of choice, this time much closer to home. As I can't afford to move out of my parent's house before I have a full-time, well-paying job, I will commute there every day by use of bus. This time I will be the senior in the class. A 24-year old between 17- and 18-year olds. Though I have no doubt I'll manage to fit in as I usually do. Starting out the familiar cycle of 'observer-mingler-joker-all round familiar guy'.

Social life will start up again, maybe I will join a sorority of sorts. I know that over the past year I have developed my social skills to a new level. One where I'm not introverted or shy about most things anymore, one where I can freely talk to anyone and even be the kick-starter for topics and conversations. How this will affect my online life? I do not know. Lately I have noticed that, due to my odd working hours, contacts online have been watering down, severing and fading.

My daily routine (or grind if you will) leaves me little time for anything but sleep, work and general household chores. The few hours I have to spend online, I spend talking to a few people on Skype, idling in WoW or raiding when I can. In the weekends, my only true free time, I try to catch up on sleep or visit people, going out with them or to them and hang out for a pretty good time.

I guess that, even when reading all this, you have noticed life isn't all too exciting, yet exciting enough to keep me awake most of the time. There's several things I haven't mentioned here that I will bring up in future posts, namely the ever-present topic my personal love life (oooeh exciting! or not...) and future plans that are on the agenda.

Wall of text thought up, written and posted. Take care.


Sav.

The spice must flow and so must the ideas

So here I present you 3 short 'poems' I came up with while listening to some songs after a bad day. Nothing major or worthy of Poe but it'll do...

They're named after the song that inspired them, I included them in the brackets below the title.

Sav.


Cocoon
(Cocoon – Assemblage 23)

The inside, soft and protecting
The warmth and safety

The outside, harsh and cold
Enemies all around, preying on you

The inside, tight and comforting
Alone to gather thoughts

The outside, getting brighter
The sun starts to warm things up

The inside, like a brick wall
Keeping you from harm

The outside, inviting and good
Waiting for me to come out

The inside gives way, opening the door to the outside
But the outside is not as the inside was

I go back inside....



Mad World
(Mad World – Gary Jules)

As I walk the streets, do my eyes see
The world around or the world inside of me
Not one person looking up
Not one person seeing the world that could be

Halfway down the street, everyone in neverland
A familiar face calls out, raises up his hand
I respond without much joy
He cannot understand...

The world inside is strange to see
No one knows it besides me
Maybe one day, things will be looking up
And I can share this world if needed be

My face towards the pavement, eyes in neverland
I bite my lip and clench my hand
I can still remember joy
I just do not understand...



Illusion
(Illusion – VnV Nation)

Just when it’s all about to fall apart
That one person swoops in to save you
Like it’s an illusion

They make everything seem okay again
They put you back on your feet
But it’s an illusion

When the worlds is out to get you
They keep you safe from harm
Or is that an illusion

A private space for just you two
Where no one will disturb you
That world is an illusion

Your day is bright and shiny again
Nothing can bring you down!
Is this an illusion?

Separation will come, always
Time without the other
Please don’t shatter my illusion

I need you, or think I do
Everything seems darker without you
Rejoin my illusion

The way I look at me is not like you
You see me for what I truly am
I am an illusion

Stay a While...and Listen

Woah, it's been too long since I posted something! Probably due to either nothing happening at times or too much to even begin thinking about posting it up...

Several things have happened lately that have advanced me in a good direction. Firstly I have 'added' some people to my list of Angels, a list very hard to get onto and nearly impossible to get stricken off from. An old friend returned, a new one appeared from a warm and cold place, another new one from close by with so many similar interests it's almost scary and then of course the new old one that is far away but always with me in my heart and mind.

I love every single one of them, granted, one more than the others....and I'm not going to apologize for it either! Some people will always remain just friends, be it very good friends. Others will go beyond that barrier (in record time I might add).

This ties in nicely to my being away for just over a week. I stayed with a friend across the country to work. Yes, I did actual work and I liked it. It was hard, no doubt about it. My hands were literally destroyed when I got home, blisters on my feet, foot soles cracked and busted and painful knees to top it off. But....the people were awesome. I met so many interesting folks there, some of which I exchanged online info with to keep in touch.

The WoW Nerd, the study-man, the traveler, the silly girl, the party girl, the teacher, the foreigner, the gangster-wannabe, the lazy guy....Names are connected to each one of those stereotypes now and I fit right in.
I was hesitant at first to get mixed in with a group of 30 people I've never met but I turned out some kind of popular guy at the end of the week. The guy who's always smiling, telling people to look at the bright side. The guy you want to sit with for the 30 minutes we had to eat dinner, who joked around in a good way during the 2 breaks we got for the whole day.

Only later did I realize this was because I went in there with a 'lets just be me and see what happens' attitude. Something I seem to lack severely at times. The idea I have to live up to the image I think people have of me when I've been talking to them online but not face to face is what can hold me back. That problem doesn't exist when you meet someone for real and it's actually the first time.

So now it's up to me to translate and adapt that thought and behavior to my existing situations, be me all the time, even when people then think they might have gotten the wrong idea first time around.

During this week I've also been rethinking my plans of using the money to travel places. Sure, I still want to meet all those people but it doesn't look like they are as enthusiastic as I am about it and to be fair, I could use the money for other things. Mainly to GTFO of this house! I seriously need my own place soon or I'm gonna go crazy from the constant bickering between people, the lowly attitude and the thought that someone can burst into my room any second and declare they got me a job at place where I start tomorrow for at least 5 years...

Anyways, I think this about sums up the month and half gap I left here, more to come soon (perhaps?), you never know!

Creative juices and more

Last night I was totally awake for about 5 minutes and apparently I scribbled something on my notepad before going back to sleep without effort.
This morning I woke to find the scribblings and decided to polish them up a bit! Here is what I wrote:


'Do not run before you can walk
Do not shout before you can speak
Do not preach before you can understand

Do not take before you can give

Do not give another love before you have given it to yourself'


I wouldn't mind a few more walking dreams like that, I can tell ya that much...

On to important stuff: Feb 7th - Superbowl Party, Feb 14th - Stay in Bed Day, Feb 21st - Family Dinner


See y'all next time! Sav out.

'How to ruin a day' or 'When is good, good enough?'

I was having dinner, same as usual on a Saturday afternoon. Same 6 people round a table, eating the same thing, all in silence.

The one that broke that silence was my father. He turned to me and said 'You know how embarrassing it is to have someone ask you what you (that'd be me) do and to have to say you do nothing? You've disappointed me'. I sat there and took it. But it stung, deeply.

It's a trend that begun around first grade (called Group 4 over here) and that never ended. I could always 'do better', 'try harder', 'score higher'. When I scored an 8 I should've studied harder and gotten a 9, when I got a 9 I should've spent less time with friends but more with my books and gotten a 10. On the rare occasions I managed a 10 and proudly told him it was always 'better make sure next one's a 10 too'.

Never a compliment, never pat on the head or a 'good job, I'm proud'. Being the first person in the family ever to score high on the end of school test meant that in high school even more would be expected of me. Expectations that weren't met.

Was it due to them being unreasonably high, or due to them being there at all? What's done is done, same goes for college...

And people wonder why I have issues, all I can say is: tip of the iceberg my friends


Now back to things I enjoy and make me feel good about myself


Sav out

Early bird catches the cold

It's 5.30 in the bloody morning, I'm shaking from the bitter cold and the need for sleep. Yet I can't go back to bed, not before writing off all the thing I have to. How much that is I don't know, I will when it's done I guess.

Years. I took me years to get to where I am in my life, be it for good or bad. The walls I built were big, high and solid. It only took a moment, in my eyes, to knock a hole into them. It flowed out, whatever it was.

Warmth, hope, dreams, love, whatever. For a good reason, at least at the time. Hindsight is 20/20 so they say. I woke up not 10 minutes ago and for the first time in a while I felt the hole in the wall was plugged again.

I've been a fucking mess inbetween the breach and the repair. You readers will have no doubt noticed. The fix is temporary though, and by no means a solution. Once the flow starts it cannot be stopped anymore, things never on my mind will forever stay there now. The wall is but a vessel, holding everything in until there is someone who can drain it, bit by bit, until it's empty.

The person I'm looking for, yearning for, praying for. Who will understand, who will know, who will love, who will hold, who will comfort, who will be comforted when needed, loved when needed to be loved and held when needed to be held.

Though I don't know when, I will find her, no doubt remains anymore that I will. Briefly I was on top, for a split second in the eternity of 23 years. I slipt, fell, hit my head on the way down and lay there for a while.

I got back up, and it's time to make my way to the top again, because once you've seen the view from up there you want to see it again, for as long as possible.

As for loose thoughts: ace holiday few weeks back, appreciating my friends more and more, looking forward to Feb. 7th and the plans I have for this year.


NB: First ever edit...I didn't want to but time is no excuse for poor spelling

And so, It begins..

Wow, 3 days into 2010 and already I've had a horrible week! That must be a new record...or maybe not...

So it appears that the past month or so I've pretty much been living a lie. I'm not sure whether it was just high hopes, the inexperience factor or straight up self-deceit but it is now certain that the thing I thought was a thing, actually wasn't. It might have been nothing from her side all along but it is now also nothing more from my side.

I still have many questions and I'd be lying if I said I was 100% okay right now, but I'm dealing better than I thought I would. I've begun planning things to do this year, maybe out of a sense of moving on or maybe because I'm just tired doing nothing.

There's also still nagging feelings of insecurity, doubt and general discontent with myself for several reasons. Most of whom I won't list here for sake of rambling on too long but I do wonder what the future holds for me. Will my efforts be repaid with happiness and joy or will I once again be shot down mid-flight, to crash and burn horribly. I don't know but I have to try, if only to gain self-confidence and pride in who I am and who I can become.

Too long have I set idly by, letting the world spin past me as years went on. What use is intellect if it is not used. What use is love if not shared. What use is life if not lived.

Next time I'll have more positive stuff to bring you, I promise!