You know that little voice inside your head? That tells you things that are glaringly obvious but you somehow don't want to see? This voice keeps telling me to stop being stupid and trusting people like my person always does.
As I pull yet another knife from out my back, with the blood also comes the pain of previous stabbings, adding up to a dull, throbbing pain centered in my head near that tiny voice. It's saying 'Told you so, maybe next time you'll listen'.
How many times can you yank a Jojo up and down before the cord breaks? This I wonder...And if that cord breaks, what happens then? Does the Jojo break too? Do you fix the cord?
If you slam it down often enough to actually destroy it, is it then even worth fixing? Isn't it just your own fault?
Enough with the stupid comparisons, here's the deal: betrayal, leading on, false hope, fake feelings. They suck, they sting, they hurt, all of that. Am I addicted to it somehow? Does my head have a big sign saying 'oeh hey there lady, take me, I'm easy!'? Or am I leading myself into these traps time and time again, setting myself up for failure.
I must be, the only other explanation is either really bad luck (he ran backwards into my knife, 15 times, I swear!) or is it something bigger than me that has decided I'm the perfect subject for the ultimate practical joke.
Sadly, I don't believe in either luck or something bigger than me....so what's left? To pick up the Jojo again and hope the string stays in one piece a little longer, until someone comes along who knows how to actually use the bloody thing.
28 September 2010
4 September 2010
School is for learning!
School has started again, and this year I too am part of the new league of first year does, looking around as if stricken with flashy, bright headlights.
Only, in a way, I can be considered a seasoned deer, already having spent 4 years in college but without much luck.
The instant I stepped into the classroom to meet my new classmates I knew I would be the 'oldest' this time around, usually looked upon with pity and seen as an old fart with nothing usefull to say. Also, the fear struck me, if even for a second or two, to still be that guy who entered college 5 years ago. Timid, silent, socially inept and withdrawn...
Like hell that was gonna be me! I was, and still am, determined to not be those guys and I succeeded. You can only make one first impression as they say and although that is not my strong suit, I managed quite well to leave a mark on that meeting and the one after that.
A few days after the first meeting came the so-called introduction day. Intended to get to know ones classmates, seniors and chosen city of learning, the planning always includes games and hikes. It also never gets done the way it is planned, for as early as 10.30 we were sat in front of a bar in the warm sun, enjoying our first glass of beer of the day with many more to come.
My class turned out to be the official 'most fun class' of the new year as we instantly all bonded and had a great time until the sun set and people departed to far-off beds to prepare for the early morning in class the very next day.
I sat in the train feeling fulfilled and kinda happy. I got accepted even though I am 7 years everyone's senior, proving that you are only as old as you feel and behave. The fact I'm mentally 16 and I act like that worked to my advantage this time...
Besides my now well-known tolerance to alcohol and knack for silly puns, sarcasm and dirty wit, I have also proven myself to be reliable and knowledgeable in the fields my study requires me to be proficient in.
'But Sav...is it all good and well in your life then?', one could ask. Nope, it is not or should I say, of course it is not. The things bothering me did not go poof overnight nor will they ever. The many issues, the many insecurities, the many problems, the many downers, they all still linger. I just have less time now to worry about them, which is probably for the best.
Sav.
Only, in a way, I can be considered a seasoned deer, already having spent 4 years in college but without much luck.
The instant I stepped into the classroom to meet my new classmates I knew I would be the 'oldest' this time around, usually looked upon with pity and seen as an old fart with nothing usefull to say. Also, the fear struck me, if even for a second or two, to still be that guy who entered college 5 years ago. Timid, silent, socially inept and withdrawn...
Like hell that was gonna be me! I was, and still am, determined to not be those guys and I succeeded. You can only make one first impression as they say and although that is not my strong suit, I managed quite well to leave a mark on that meeting and the one after that.
A few days after the first meeting came the so-called introduction day. Intended to get to know ones classmates, seniors and chosen city of learning, the planning always includes games and hikes. It also never gets done the way it is planned, for as early as 10.30 we were sat in front of a bar in the warm sun, enjoying our first glass of beer of the day with many more to come.
My class turned out to be the official 'most fun class' of the new year as we instantly all bonded and had a great time until the sun set and people departed to far-off beds to prepare for the early morning in class the very next day.
I sat in the train feeling fulfilled and kinda happy. I got accepted even though I am 7 years everyone's senior, proving that you are only as old as you feel and behave. The fact I'm mentally 16 and I act like that worked to my advantage this time...
Besides my now well-known tolerance to alcohol and knack for silly puns, sarcasm and dirty wit, I have also proven myself to be reliable and knowledgeable in the fields my study requires me to be proficient in.
'But Sav...is it all good and well in your life then?', one could ask. Nope, it is not or should I say, of course it is not. The things bothering me did not go poof overnight nor will they ever. The many issues, the many insecurities, the many problems, the many downers, they all still linger. I just have less time now to worry about them, which is probably for the best.
Sav.
18 July 2010
Time flies, time flows, time stops
4 months I have been pondering whether or not to post anything here because I figured 'who would read it anyway' before I re-realized why I made this blog in the first place: to pen down stuff for myself, to get things off my chest, regardless of the fact if anyone reads it or not.
I lost my cheer. That is, in short, the past 4 months since my last post. The previous post probably tipped you off about it but today it hit me that this is what's missing. Something so good and so fulfilling it brightens up my life, something to make me smile from ear to ear and make me thread lightly around the house.
People around me have found that something, in different ways, and I am happy for them but being happy for someone else is not the same as being happy for and with oneself. In fact, it stings when seeing other people happy when you yourself are not. I know that is a bleak way to look at things but let's be honest, I never hid the fact I'm really a pessimistic 'glass half-empty' kind of guy in the first place. I need not even mention the 'J-word', just scroll down to my very first post if you need your memory refreshed.
Things that have been going on lately, which will be detailed further later on, my job and school and general personal life, have given me little to be cheery about. And yes, I know people keep saying to look at the bright side but it's not my strong suit, as much as I want it to be.
I don't like being a downer either, I hate the fact that more often than not I am the partypooper, the guy that makes other people's day bad or worse, the one that always finds something to nag about often just to be able to complain.
What I need is a focal point, something to look forward to, something that can serve as a beacon, a goal of sorts. Right now that something is missing and I just go through the motions of daily life, which is a boring chore.
I got a job. Temporary at best, until I can go back to school in September. It's not the most mind-numbing thing but it does lack excitement or stimulation, unless you consider bruises, cuts and the ever present danger of losing a finger or arm in a press exciting. It brings in the money, money that's been reserved for a purpose since even before it was deposited in my account, namely...
School. Back to the benches it is for me come September 1st. 4 years of studying, books, numbers and daily travel to my destination of choice, this time much closer to home. As I can't afford to move out of my parent's house before I have a full-time, well-paying job, I will commute there every day by use of bus. This time I will be the senior in the class. A 24-year old between 17- and 18-year olds. Though I have no doubt I'll manage to fit in as I usually do. Starting out the familiar cycle of 'observer-mingler-joker-all round familiar guy'.
Social life will start up again, maybe I will join a sorority of sorts. I know that over the past year I have developed my social skills to a new level. One where I'm not introverted or shy about most things anymore, one where I can freely talk to anyone and even be the kick-starter for topics and conversations. How this will affect my online life? I do not know. Lately I have noticed that, due to my odd working hours, contacts online have been watering down, severing and fading.
My daily routine (or grind if you will) leaves me little time for anything but sleep, work and general household chores. The few hours I have to spend online, I spend talking to a few people on Skype, idling in WoW or raiding when I can. In the weekends, my only true free time, I try to catch up on sleep or visit people, going out with them or to them and hang out for a pretty good time.
I guess that, even when reading all this, you have noticed life isn't all too exciting, yet exciting enough to keep me awake most of the time. There's several things I haven't mentioned here that I will bring up in future posts, namely the ever-present topic my personal love life (oooeh exciting! or not...) and future plans that are on the agenda.
Wall of text thought up, written and posted. Take care.
Sav.
I lost my cheer. That is, in short, the past 4 months since my last post. The previous post probably tipped you off about it but today it hit me that this is what's missing. Something so good and so fulfilling it brightens up my life, something to make me smile from ear to ear and make me thread lightly around the house.
People around me have found that something, in different ways, and I am happy for them but being happy for someone else is not the same as being happy for and with oneself. In fact, it stings when seeing other people happy when you yourself are not. I know that is a bleak way to look at things but let's be honest, I never hid the fact I'm really a pessimistic 'glass half-empty' kind of guy in the first place. I need not even mention the 'J-word', just scroll down to my very first post if you need your memory refreshed.
Things that have been going on lately, which will be detailed further later on, my job and school and general personal life, have given me little to be cheery about. And yes, I know people keep saying to look at the bright side but it's not my strong suit, as much as I want it to be.
I don't like being a downer either, I hate the fact that more often than not I am the partypooper, the guy that makes other people's day bad or worse, the one that always finds something to nag about often just to be able to complain.
What I need is a focal point, something to look forward to, something that can serve as a beacon, a goal of sorts. Right now that something is missing and I just go through the motions of daily life, which is a boring chore.
I got a job. Temporary at best, until I can go back to school in September. It's not the most mind-numbing thing but it does lack excitement or stimulation, unless you consider bruises, cuts and the ever present danger of losing a finger or arm in a press exciting. It brings in the money, money that's been reserved for a purpose since even before it was deposited in my account, namely...
School. Back to the benches it is for me come September 1st. 4 years of studying, books, numbers and daily travel to my destination of choice, this time much closer to home. As I can't afford to move out of my parent's house before I have a full-time, well-paying job, I will commute there every day by use of bus. This time I will be the senior in the class. A 24-year old between 17- and 18-year olds. Though I have no doubt I'll manage to fit in as I usually do. Starting out the familiar cycle of 'observer-mingler-joker-all round familiar guy'.
Social life will start up again, maybe I will join a sorority of sorts. I know that over the past year I have developed my social skills to a new level. One where I'm not introverted or shy about most things anymore, one where I can freely talk to anyone and even be the kick-starter for topics and conversations. How this will affect my online life? I do not know. Lately I have noticed that, due to my odd working hours, contacts online have been watering down, severing and fading.
My daily routine (or grind if you will) leaves me little time for anything but sleep, work and general household chores. The few hours I have to spend online, I spend talking to a few people on Skype, idling in WoW or raiding when I can. In the weekends, my only true free time, I try to catch up on sleep or visit people, going out with them or to them and hang out for a pretty good time.
I guess that, even when reading all this, you have noticed life isn't all too exciting, yet exciting enough to keep me awake most of the time. There's several things I haven't mentioned here that I will bring up in future posts, namely the ever-present topic my personal love life (oooeh exciting! or not...) and future plans that are on the agenda.
Wall of text thought up, written and posted. Take care.
Sav.
22 March 2010
The spice must flow and so must the ideas
So here I present you 3 short 'poems' I came up with while listening to some songs after a bad day. Nothing major or worthy of Poe but it'll do...
They're named after the song that inspired them, I included them in the brackets below the title.
Sav.
Cocoon
(Cocoon – Assemblage 23)
The inside, soft and protecting
The warmth and safety
The outside, harsh and cold
Enemies all around, preying on you
The inside, tight and comforting
Alone to gather thoughts
The outside, getting brighter
The sun starts to warm things up
The inside, like a brick wall
Keeping you from harm
The outside, inviting and good
Waiting for me to come out
The inside gives way, opening the door to the outside
But the outside is not as the inside was
I go back inside....
Mad World
(Mad World – Gary Jules)
As I walk the streets, do my eyes see
The world around or the world inside of me
Not one person looking up
Not one person seeing the world that could be
Halfway down the street, everyone in neverland
A familiar face calls out, raises up his hand
I respond without much joy
He cannot understand...
The world inside is strange to see
No one knows it besides me
Maybe one day, things will be looking up
And I can share this world if needed be
My face towards the pavement, eyes in neverland
I bite my lip and clench my hand
I can still remember joy
I just do not understand...
Illusion
(Illusion – VnV Nation)
Just when it’s all about to fall apart
That one person swoops in to save you
Like it’s an illusion
They make everything seem okay again
They put you back on your feet
But it’s an illusion
When the worlds is out to get you
They keep you safe from harm
Or is that an illusion
A private space for just you two
Where no one will disturb you
That world is an illusion
Your day is bright and shiny again
Nothing can bring you down!
Is this an illusion?
Separation will come, always
Time without the other
Please don’t shatter my illusion
I need you, or think I do
Everything seems darker without you
Rejoin my illusion
The way I look at me is not like you
You see me for what I truly am
I am an illusion
They're named after the song that inspired them, I included them in the brackets below the title.
Sav.
Cocoon
(Cocoon – Assemblage 23)
The inside, soft and protecting
The warmth and safety
The outside, harsh and cold
Enemies all around, preying on you
The inside, tight and comforting
Alone to gather thoughts
The outside, getting brighter
The sun starts to warm things up
The inside, like a brick wall
Keeping you from harm
The outside, inviting and good
Waiting for me to come out
The inside gives way, opening the door to the outside
But the outside is not as the inside was
I go back inside....
Mad World
(Mad World – Gary Jules)
As I walk the streets, do my eyes see
The world around or the world inside of me
Not one person looking up
Not one person seeing the world that could be
Halfway down the street, everyone in neverland
A familiar face calls out, raises up his hand
I respond without much joy
He cannot understand...
The world inside is strange to see
No one knows it besides me
Maybe one day, things will be looking up
And I can share this world if needed be
My face towards the pavement, eyes in neverland
I bite my lip and clench my hand
I can still remember joy
I just do not understand...
Illusion
(Illusion – VnV Nation)
Just when it’s all about to fall apart
That one person swoops in to save you
Like it’s an illusion
They make everything seem okay again
They put you back on your feet
But it’s an illusion
When the worlds is out to get you
They keep you safe from harm
Or is that an illusion
A private space for just you two
Where no one will disturb you
That world is an illusion
Your day is bright and shiny again
Nothing can bring you down!
Is this an illusion?
Separation will come, always
Time without the other
Please don’t shatter my illusion
I need you, or think I do
Everything seems darker without you
Rejoin my illusion
The way I look at me is not like you
You see me for what I truly am
I am an illusion
18 March 2010
Stay a While...and Listen
Woah, it's been too long since I posted something! Probably due to either nothing happening at times or too much to even begin thinking about posting it up...
Several things have happened lately that have advanced me in a good direction. Firstly I have 'added' some people to my list of Angels, a list very hard to get onto and nearly impossible to get stricken off from. An old friend returned, a new one appeared from a warm and cold place, another new one from close by with so many similar interests it's almost scary and then of course the new old one that is far away but always with me in my heart and mind.
I love every single one of them, granted, one more than the others....and I'm not going to apologize for it either! Some people will always remain just friends, be it very good friends. Others will go beyond that barrier (in record time I might add).
This ties in nicely to my being away for just over a week. I stayed with a friend across the country to work. Yes, I did actual work and I liked it. It was hard, no doubt about it. My hands were literally destroyed when I got home, blisters on my feet, foot soles cracked and busted and painful knees to top it off. But....the people were awesome. I met so many interesting folks there, some of which I exchanged online info with to keep in touch.
The WoW Nerd, the study-man, the traveler, the silly girl, the party girl, the teacher, the foreigner, the gangster-wannabe, the lazy guy....Names are connected to each one of those stereotypes now and I fit right in.
I was hesitant at first to get mixed in with a group of 30 people I've never met but I turned out some kind of popular guy at the end of the week. The guy who's always smiling, telling people to look at the bright side. The guy you want to sit with for the 30 minutes we had to eat dinner, who joked around in a good way during the 2 breaks we got for the whole day.
Only later did I realize this was because I went in there with a 'lets just be me and see what happens' attitude. Something I seem to lack severely at times. The idea I have to live up to the image I think people have of me when I've been talking to them online but not face to face is what can hold me back. That problem doesn't exist when you meet someone for real and it's actually the first time.
So now it's up to me to translate and adapt that thought and behavior to my existing situations, be me all the time, even when people then think they might have gotten the wrong idea first time around.
During this week I've also been rethinking my plans of using the money to travel places. Sure, I still want to meet all those people but it doesn't look like they are as enthusiastic as I am about it and to be fair, I could use the money for other things. Mainly to GTFO of this house! I seriously need my own place soon or I'm gonna go crazy from the constant bickering between people, the lowly attitude and the thought that someone can burst into my room any second and declare they got me a job at place where I start tomorrow for at least 5 years...
Anyways, I think this about sums up the month and half gap I left here, more to come soon (perhaps?), you never know!
Several things have happened lately that have advanced me in a good direction. Firstly I have 'added' some people to my list of Angels, a list very hard to get onto and nearly impossible to get stricken off from. An old friend returned, a new one appeared from a warm and cold place, another new one from close by with so many similar interests it's almost scary and then of course the new old one that is far away but always with me in my heart and mind.
I love every single one of them, granted, one more than the others....and I'm not going to apologize for it either! Some people will always remain just friends, be it very good friends. Others will go beyond that barrier (in record time I might add).
This ties in nicely to my being away for just over a week. I stayed with a friend across the country to work. Yes, I did actual work and I liked it. It was hard, no doubt about it. My hands were literally destroyed when I got home, blisters on my feet, foot soles cracked and busted and painful knees to top it off. But....the people were awesome. I met so many interesting folks there, some of which I exchanged online info with to keep in touch.
The WoW Nerd, the study-man, the traveler, the silly girl, the party girl, the teacher, the foreigner, the gangster-wannabe, the lazy guy....Names are connected to each one of those stereotypes now and I fit right in.
I was hesitant at first to get mixed in with a group of 30 people I've never met but I turned out some kind of popular guy at the end of the week. The guy who's always smiling, telling people to look at the bright side. The guy you want to sit with for the 30 minutes we had to eat dinner, who joked around in a good way during the 2 breaks we got for the whole day.
Only later did I realize this was because I went in there with a 'lets just be me and see what happens' attitude. Something I seem to lack severely at times. The idea I have to live up to the image I think people have of me when I've been talking to them online but not face to face is what can hold me back. That problem doesn't exist when you meet someone for real and it's actually the first time.
So now it's up to me to translate and adapt that thought and behavior to my existing situations, be me all the time, even when people then think they might have gotten the wrong idea first time around.
During this week I've also been rethinking my plans of using the money to travel places. Sure, I still want to meet all those people but it doesn't look like they are as enthusiastic as I am about it and to be fair, I could use the money for other things. Mainly to GTFO of this house! I seriously need my own place soon or I'm gonna go crazy from the constant bickering between people, the lowly attitude and the thought that someone can burst into my room any second and declare they got me a job at place
Anyways, I think this about sums up the month and half gap I left here, more to come soon (perhaps?), you never know!
5 February 2010
Creative juices and more
Last night I was totally awake for about 5 minutes and apparently I scribbled something on my notepad before going back to sleep without effort.
This morning I woke to find the scribblings and decided to polish them up a bit! Here is what I wrote:
'Do not run before you can walk
Do not shout before you can speak
Do not preach before you can understand
Do not take before you can give
Do not give another love before you have given it to yourself'
I wouldn't mind a few more walking dreams like that, I can tell ya that much...
On to important stuff: Feb 7th - Superbowl Party, Feb 14th - Stay in Bed Day, Feb 21st - Family Dinner
See y'all next time! Sav out.
This morning I woke to find the scribblings and decided to polish them up a bit! Here is what I wrote:
'Do not run before you can walk
Do not shout before you can speak
Do not preach before you can understand
Do not take before you can give
Do not give another love before you have given it to yourself'
I wouldn't mind a few more walking dreams like that, I can tell ya that much...
On to important stuff: Feb 7th - Superbowl Party, Feb 14th - Stay in Bed Day, Feb 21st - Family Dinner
See y'all next time! Sav out.
30 January 2010
'How to ruin a day' or 'When is good, good enough?'
I was having dinner, same as usual on a Saturday afternoon. Same 6 people round a table, eating the same thing, all in silence.
The one that broke that silence was my father. He turned to me and said 'You know how embarrassing it is to have someone ask you what you (that'd be me) do and to have to say you do nothing? You've disappointed me'. I sat there and took it. But it stung, deeply.
It's a trend that begun around first grade (called Group 4 over here) and that never ended. I could always 'do better', 'try harder', 'score higher'. When I scored an 8 I should've studied harder and gotten a 9, when I got a 9 I should've spent less time with friends but more with my books and gotten a 10. On the rare occasions I managed a 10 and proudly told him it was always 'better make sure next one's a 10 too'.
Never a compliment, never pat on the head or a 'good job, I'm proud'. Being the first person in the family ever to score high on the end of school test meant that in high school even more would be expected of me. Expectations that weren't met.
Was it due to them being unreasonably high, or due to them being there at all? What's done is done, same goes for college...
And people wonder why I have issues, all I can say is: tip of the iceberg my friends
Now back to things I enjoy and make me feel good about myself
Sav out
The one that broke that silence was my father. He turned to me and said 'You know how embarrassing it is to have someone ask you what you (that'd be me) do and to have to say you do nothing? You've disappointed me'. I sat there and took it. But it stung, deeply.
It's a trend that begun around first grade (called Group 4 over here) and that never ended. I could always 'do better', 'try harder', 'score higher'. When I scored an 8 I should've studied harder and gotten a 9, when I got a 9 I should've spent less time with friends but more with my books and gotten a 10. On the rare occasions I managed a 10 and proudly told him it was always 'better make sure next one's a 10 too'.
Never a compliment, never pat on the head or a 'good job, I'm proud'. Being the first person in the family ever to score high on the end of school test meant that in high school even more would be expected of me. Expectations that weren't met.
Was it due to them being unreasonably high, or due to them being there at all? What's done is done, same goes for college...
And people wonder why I have issues, all I can say is: tip of the iceberg my friends
Now back to things I enjoy and make me feel good about myself
Sav out
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