.. But Times Change, And So Must I

I'm not there yet, but I know that when this is over I'll be a different person again. If you've seen Doctor Who (and you'd better have!) you can compare it to a regeneration. Still the same person in essence but with subtle changes. I will always remember who and what I was but I will also sail a new course, doing things slightly different and with a different attitude. Right now I'm still 'cooking' though and who knows what kind of leather jacket-wearing, fishfinger and custard-eating, French-murmeling guy I'll turn into!

But for now, I'm more echoing the 10th Doctor in his passing: 'I don't want to go..'




The going is still rough hrm. I don't eat much, I don't feel like doing much outside of keeping busy enough to not overthink, I don't sleep much either and when I wake up I'm still very tired. My mind keeps wandering to bad places, places filled with more pain and thoughts of all the things that might've been or still are. Lamenting all the feelings that've suddenly crept up from inside that should've done so a long time ago and maybe things would've been different..

But someone told me to not think of that anymore, that it doesn't help and that you can't change the past. And I cannot, I'm not a Time Lord after all and if I was my whole life would probably be timelocked anyways.

With a Song in My Heart

So after a few days of downer posts and raging, I feel like I'm having a pretty good day so far. Had a talk with a very good friend yesterday about.. a lot of things that made perfect sense. I guess I just needed to hear them said? Anyway, I thought that today I'd do something different! Below, you will find a handful of songs each dedicated to a single person. No names, just a description about what this song evokes in me.



Florence + The Machine - Shake It Out
For you, who's been a friend for a long time now. Proving everyone wrong who says you can't have friendship online. Thank you for inspiring me with ideals, thank you for being there whenever I need you even though I'm not an easy person when I am in need and thank you for trusting me enough to talk to me about your problems as well. Life ain't fair, but it's worth living



Fractured - Haunted Memories
For you, who was the second one to betray me in a most horrible way. We didn't share a long nor a happy time together but I will still remember you for what you did, good and bad. Thank you for opening my eyes to the truth of online relationships and their need to evolve beyond a screen. Thank you for showing me you can never really know someone, no matter how much you talk to them on a daily basis. Thank you for unwittingly preparing me for what I'm going through right now.



Jennifer Paige - Crush
For you, who was the first one to show me what real pain from love was. The first person I considered a girlfriend, the first person to put me aside like nothing and move on with the speed of light. Thank you for showing me that it's important to always be yourself, especially if you are sometimes someone else. Thank you for being the first to look at me in that certain way that says I can be more to someone than a friend. Thank you for my first kiss.



Huey and the News - the Power of Love
For you, who invited me into your home several times but ended up fading from my life. I still think of you regularly, regretting the way we parted. Thank you for showing me the best of times when I needed them. Thank you for encouraging me to travel however long I need to enjoy myself. Thank you for letting my inexperienced sense of sexuality explore you in ways I never had before up until the final step which I wasn't ready for at that time. Thank you for letting me introduce you to the awesomeness that is Back to the Future. Thank you for all the late nights spent on THF in Skype with the gang, expanding every horizon I had to this day.



Bruno Mars - The Way You Are
For you, who was with me for a long long time. I am still not over you and I am not sure I ever will. Maybe some part of me still hopes, against all odds. Another part of me has already given up on you and let you go because you seem to have done that already to me. Maybe some day I can be happy for your newfound love, but not today, not any time soon. Thank you for those amazing years. Thank you for being the person who taught me I can be loved, deserve to be loved for who I am with all my ups and downs, my flaws and excellencies. Thank you for being both my friend and lover up to just recently. Thank you for making me believe in true love even though it doesn't always end in sunshine and rainbows. Thank you for sharing so much with me: music, games, jokes, movies, lazy afternoons, days outside, strokes on my cheek, backrubs, resting yourself in my lap on the couch. Thank you.



Rihanna - S&M
For you, who taught me sexuality isn't something to hide or whisper about but to be proud of, to be spoken of and to be enjoyed. Thank you for showing me that women talking about sex has nothing to do with promiscuity but with being comfortable with themselves. Thank you for those late night conversations where you tricked me into saying good things about myself because I couldn't do it otherwise. Thank you for being the biggest tease I've ever known and still popping up in my dirty dreams every so often.

Righteous Anger

Today is filled with anger. Anger at him, anger at her. Anger at myself, anger at everyone around me. Anger at simple objects and anger and everything untouchable.

I've decided to go back to the gym tomorrow and from that day one, every day until the day I need to start my internship. I'm tired of hardly fitting in my pants anymore. Tired of being out of shape, fat even. I used to be in decent shape, when I was still outgoing and active and I didn't sit in front of the computer all day eating shit. I want to be in that kinda shape again, full of energy and happy with my looks. Or at least that part of my looks I have control over. I've long since made peace with the fact my eyesight is shit and, like the rest of the men in my family, I'm balding. At least I look decent with a close shave on top.

One thing I have to be happy about is something insanely stupid: for the first time in about 2 weeks I got a random hard-on. I guess at least some part of my body is happy that it still works. Great source of stress relief as well you know.

This coming week I'll also start putting in more hours at work. Both to occupy my mind and time and to make some money. I could really use more money for all the things I want to do without having to worry about potential horribleness. It'll feel good to see the cash flow in the green again, to build a little buffer for when times get bad financially. I'm also planning to hit a sushibar with my 2 closest-by best friends. Which is a miracle in itself because one of them never ever joins the other and I for our little adventures. I guess they're both really really interested in hearing my story of what happened the past few weeks. Nothing like a bottle of hot sake and a plate of salmon nigiri to discuss matters.

Oh and all hail peppermint tea, the only beverage I seem to hold down at the moment.

What If.....

Yep.. one of those days again. Hardly slept, been up for hours helping around the house remodeling the bathroom and painting the hallways so I had pleeeeenty time to think about stuff again. Like: What if.. I hadn't been so blind and preoccupied with myself that I had seen this coming, what if I had read the signs on time and could've prevented this. What if I wasn't such a massive slacker and unmotivated person, would this have still happened? If I had been living there for a year or more already, could this have been avoided? If not, did I dodge a bullet and if yes, then did I fire this bullet myself?

Maybe, or probably, a big part of the blame lies on myself. Having had time to think stuff through more, I know that I'm massively at fault again. That doesn't make it easier though. Let me share something with you (whomever you are, reading this) about my thoughts today.
I've been thinking about all the things lost to me. Not just from the end of my relationship but in general. I wish I could go back in time and talk to my grandfather (dad's dad). He seems like I'd have liked him a lot and I regret not knowing him at all. He was a quiet man but with a smile on his face most of the time. He was a deep thinker with a big heart who love his wife, his 12 children and his 30-something grand-kids. He loved working outside in his orchard and tending his plants and when you wanted something off your chest, he invited you to sit next to him in his comfy chair to mull over some thoughts with something to drink. I never really got the chance to do this much, he died when I was 14 and by that time he was quite a ways gone already but there's pictures and some videos of him doing this with most of my cousins and my dad tells stories about him whenever he's had some beer.

I also wish I could talk to my cousin Kees again one more time. He was one of my favourite cousins, nearly of an age with my dad (being born to my dad's oldest sibling and my dad being the 2nd youngest of 12) and he was a great listener as well. Like my granddad, he too was full of advice and he spent nearly all his time by himself doing what he liked best: playing darts, building stuff in his yard and listening to his beloved Dutch music. In 2008 he came home late from a darts-match at his local pub (no drink, never while driving!) and he probably had to swerve to avoid a dog. It was pitch black on a back road with no lighting and a ditch with trees on either side. He wasn't in his regular sturdy van that day because it was being serviced but his girlfriend's metal can of a car. He swerved, slipped into the ditch and the car flipped up it's behind and the roof crushed against a big tree. They say he wasn't dead on impact and might've been conscious for a few hours after but no one found the wreck till early morning. I can't even imagine what he went through in his final moments but when the news came that Sunday afternoon, I knew something was lost forever.

That's how I feel now too. So much is lost by this 'simple' action (or inaction). A whole future, a life together, moments that will never be spent again. Lots of things I was seriously preparing for like a living in another county and leaving the little I had here behind, a job to (help) support us both, a house in the country with room for horses and dogs, kids... I really was ready for a kid now. Before I got the message that she didn't feel like she could continue anymore I ... I was planning to propose to her. Even been looking at rings that matched our couple earrings, stainless steel with black burned engravings. Oh god what I have done...

Yeah, keep telling me this feeling will pass and that I'll find someone else some day. Well right now I don't feel that and I can't even imagine feeling like that. I feel like everything I worked for the past 4-5 years is now gone in one fell swoop leaving just an empty hole that I can't even begin to imagine filling. Filling with what? There's outside circumstances that are forcing me to do this as fast as possible but there is no end to it yet. Not that I can see and that scares me most of all.

What will happen now? I don't know, nobody knows, nobody can know. All I know is that I'm going to keep writing everything down here so I have a spot to place these feelings for lack of better ways. A place where I can read it all back and make sense of it as that is the easiest way to organize all the conflicting and raging feelings I have right now.

Speak to you tomorrow...


P.S. A23, thank frak for A23

Third Time is Not the Charm

So I guess I'm part of some elite club now, with all 3 of my relationships having ended in a poor, horrible manner. 3rd time I had to give up (what I thought was) the love of my live to another as they spar it out in front of me, 3rd time I feel like the bad guy, 3rd time filled with sleepless nights and activities chosen purely because of their distracting capabilities.

I don't even feel like going too much into detail about it this time, same routine as before: boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, boy spends x amount of time having the best time of his life with girl, girl's had enough of him, girl dumps him and moves on to someone else.

Yeah yeah, it wasn't cheating this time. But moving on before or immediately after your ex is still in your house is the absolute worst thing you can imagine having done to you and I've managed it twice now so apparently it doesn't matter what I think. I thought I would feel better once I got home again but I don't. Of course I don't. Here I have nothing else to worry about, nothing to occupy my mind to keep it clear of all the feelings and thought I had tried to bury so well for the past, say..., 7'ish years.

Every time this happens, an old wound gets ripped open and fresh blood is being added. 3 in a row, I must be some kind of shithead who deserves this in some way or another. Either 3 women felt like they had no choice but to do this to me or 3 times I called it upon myself, both thought are equally depressing.

So now I sit here, finding myself with less than a handful of people (read: 1) to even talk to about all this and it reminds me of the friends I used to have. The guy I used to be. Sure, he was emo and immature and in ways I still am. I have learned a lot these past years though even if it doesn't show in this post.

'Move on, deal with it, plenty more fish in the sea, it happens'. Those are things I've heard a hundred times by now and each time they mean less and less. Maybe I don't want to, or can't, move on as fast as other seem to be able to, maybe I don't want to deal with it, maybe those other fish can go fuck themselves because they're likely the same as the fish I've already eaten. As for 'it happens', damn right it happens. Over and over and over.

All of this has happened before and all of this will happen again. So say we all!


EDIT: Before the inevitable misunderstandings start to happen and questions are going to be asked: NO, she did not cheat on me nor did she ever do that. NO, I'm not depressed in the regularly used definition of the word ('just' heartbroken) and YES, we are still friends but with a communication-silence for the time being until I have moved on far enough to chat again. That is all.