Last night I was totally awake for about 5 minutes and apparently I scribbled something on my notepad before going back to sleep without effort.
This morning I woke to find the scribblings and decided to polish them up a bit! Here is what I wrote:
'Do not run before you can walk
Do not shout before you can speak
Do not preach before you can understand
Do not take before you can give
Do not give another love before you have given it to yourself'
I wouldn't mind a few more walking dreams like that, I can tell ya that much...
On to important stuff: Feb 7th - Superbowl Party, Feb 14th - Stay in Bed Day, Feb 21st - Family Dinner
See y'all next time! Sav out.
5 February 2010
30 January 2010
'How to ruin a day' or 'When is good, good enough?'
I was having dinner, same as usual on a Saturday afternoon. Same 6 people round a table, eating the same thing, all in silence.
The one that broke that silence was my father. He turned to me and said 'You know how embarrassing it is to have someone ask you what you (that'd be me) do and to have to say you do nothing? You've disappointed me'. I sat there and took it. But it stung, deeply.
It's a trend that begun around first grade (called Group 4 over here) and that never ended. I could always 'do better', 'try harder', 'score higher'. When I scored an 8 I should've studied harder and gotten a 9, when I got a 9 I should've spent less time with friends but more with my books and gotten a 10. On the rare occasions I managed a 10 and proudly told him it was always 'better make sure next one's a 10 too'.
Never a compliment, never pat on the head or a 'good job, I'm proud'. Being the first person in the family ever to score high on the end of school test meant that in high school even more would be expected of me. Expectations that weren't met.
Was it due to them being unreasonably high, or due to them being there at all? What's done is done, same goes for college...
And people wonder why I have issues, all I can say is: tip of the iceberg my friends
Now back to things I enjoy and make me feel good about myself
Sav out
The one that broke that silence was my father. He turned to me and said 'You know how embarrassing it is to have someone ask you what you (that'd be me) do and to have to say you do nothing? You've disappointed me'. I sat there and took it. But it stung, deeply.
It's a trend that begun around first grade (called Group 4 over here) and that never ended. I could always 'do better', 'try harder', 'score higher'. When I scored an 8 I should've studied harder and gotten a 9, when I got a 9 I should've spent less time with friends but more with my books and gotten a 10. On the rare occasions I managed a 10 and proudly told him it was always 'better make sure next one's a 10 too'.
Never a compliment, never pat on the head or a 'good job, I'm proud'. Being the first person in the family ever to score high on the end of school test meant that in high school even more would be expected of me. Expectations that weren't met.
Was it due to them being unreasonably high, or due to them being there at all? What's done is done, same goes for college...
And people wonder why I have issues, all I can say is: tip of the iceberg my friends
Now back to things I enjoy and make me feel good about myself
Sav out
28 January 2010
Early bird catches the cold
It's 5.30 in the bloody morning, I'm shaking from the bitter cold and the need for sleep. Yet I can't go back to bed, not before writing off all the thing I have to. How much that is I don't know, I will when it's done I guess.
Years. I took me years to get to where I am in my life, be it for good or bad. The walls I built were big, high and solid. It only took a moment, in my eyes, to knock a hole into them. It flowed out, whatever it was.
Warmth, hope, dreams, love, whatever. For a good reason, at least at the time. Hindsight is 20/20 so they say. I woke up not 10 minutes ago and for the first time in a while I felt the hole in the wall was plugged again.
I've been a fucking mess inbetween the breach and the repair. You readers will have no doubt noticed. The fix is temporary though, and by no means a solution. Once the flow starts it cannot be stopped anymore, things never on my mind will forever stay there now. The wall is but a vessel, holding everything in until there is someone who can drain it, bit by bit, until it's empty.
The person I'm looking for, yearning for, praying for. Who will understand, who will know, who will love, who will hold, who will comfort, who will be comforted when needed, loved when needed to be loved and held when needed to be held.
Though I don't know when, I will find her, no doubt remains anymore that I will. Briefly I was on top, for a split second in the eternity of 23 years. I slipt, fell, hit my head on the way down and lay there for a while.
I got back up, and it's time to make my way to the top again, because once you've seen the view from up there you want to see it again, for as long as possible.
As for loose thoughts: ace holiday few weeks back, appreciating my friends more and more, looking forward to Feb. 7th and the plans I have for this year.
NB: First ever edit...I didn't want to but time is no excuse for poor spelling
Years. I took me years to get to where I am in my life, be it for good or bad. The walls I built were big, high and solid. It only took a moment, in my eyes, to knock a hole into them. It flowed out, whatever it was.
Warmth, hope, dreams, love, whatever. For a good reason, at least at the time. Hindsight is 20/20 so they say. I woke up not 10 minutes ago and for the first time in a while I felt the hole in the wall was plugged again.
I've been a fucking mess inbetween the breach and the repair. You readers will have no doubt noticed. The fix is temporary though, and by no means a solution. Once the flow starts it cannot be stopped anymore, things never on my mind will forever stay there now. The wall is but a vessel, holding everything in until there is someone who can drain it, bit by bit, until it's empty.
The person I'm looking for, yearning for, praying for. Who will understand, who will know, who will love, who will hold, who will comfort, who will be comforted when needed, loved when needed to be loved and held when needed to be held.
Though I don't know when, I will find her, no doubt remains anymore that I will. Briefly I was on top, for a split second in the eternity of 23 years. I slipt, fell, hit my head on the way down and lay there for a while.
I got back up, and it's time to make my way to the top again, because once you've seen the view from up there you want to see it again, for as long as possible.
As for loose thoughts: ace holiday few weeks back, appreciating my friends more and more, looking forward to Feb. 7th and the plans I have for this year.
NB: First ever edit...I didn't want to but time is no excuse for poor spelling
3 January 2010
And so, It begins..
Wow, 3 days into 2010 and already I've had a horrible week! That must be a new record...or maybe not...
So it appears that the past month or so I've pretty much been living a lie. I'm not sure whether it was just high hopes, the inexperience factor or straight up self-deceit but it is now certain that the thing I thought was a thing, actually wasn't. It might have been nothing from her side all along but it is now also nothing more from my side.
I still have many questions and I'd be lying if I said I was 100% okay right now, but I'm dealing better than I thought I would. I've begun planning things to do this year, maybe out of a sense of moving on or maybe because I'm just tired doing nothing.
There's also still nagging feelings of insecurity, doubt and general discontent with myself for several reasons. Most of whom I won't list here for sake of rambling on too long but I do wonder what the future holds for me. Will my efforts be repaid with happiness and joy or will I once again be shot down mid-flight, to crash and burn horribly. I don't know but I have to try, if only to gain self-confidence and pride in who I am and who I can become.
Too long have I set idly by, letting the world spin past me as years went on. What use is intellect if it is not used. What use is love if not shared. What use is life if not lived.
Next time I'll have more positive stuff to bring you, I promise!
So it appears that the past month or so I've pretty much been living a lie. I'm not sure whether it was just high hopes, the inexperience factor or straight up self-deceit but it is now certain that the thing I thought was a thing, actually wasn't. It might have been nothing from her side all along but it is now also nothing more from my side.
I still have many questions and I'd be lying if I said I was 100% okay right now, but I'm dealing better than I thought I would. I've begun planning things to do this year, maybe out of a sense of moving on or maybe because I'm just tired doing nothing.
There's also still nagging feelings of insecurity, doubt and general discontent with myself for several reasons. Most of whom I won't list here for sake of rambling on too long but I do wonder what the future holds for me. Will my efforts be repaid with happiness and joy or will I once again be shot down mid-flight, to crash and burn horribly. I don't know but I have to try, if only to gain self-confidence and pride in who I am and who I can become.
Too long have I set idly by, letting the world spin past me as years went on. What use is intellect if it is not used. What use is love if not shared. What use is life if not lived.
Next time I'll have more positive stuff to bring you, I promise!
26 December 2009
2009, going on 2010
So the year is almost over, thank god. Out of the 23 something years on this rock '09 ranks among the top 3 shittiest years I've lived to see. Christmas doesn't really make up for it either, every time I hope for the best against my better judgement.
First Day of Christmas is when I take my yearly trip to church with my father. Call it...tradition. I'm not religious in any way so I'm not going there to hear that dude in the white dress talk about the Mighty Lord. I use that 2 hours on an uncomfortable wooden bench to reflect on the past year. What better place to do that then a huge stone cave with no sounds (or heating, Jesus didn't take kindly to fireplaces).
Oh-Nine has been a total shithole for me, save one or two things. Got booted from school, couldn't find a job, lost some important people, hospital a few times, that nasty accident my mom had for the 3rd time and Christmas horror to top it off.
Only lights in the darkness: some people I met online, especially that one person who keeps distracting my thoughts, and...well..that's it..
I might not be alone, probably never have been, but I sure as hell am damn lonely. If anyone wants to convince me otherwise, you'll have a hard time. My heart is easily reached but my head is not. Even when good things do happen I keep wondering if it's not a mistake, meant for someone else. It's hard to accept true happiness after everything that's been unloaded on to me. Yes, I know some people's stories make mine look like Disneyland but that doesn't negate the personal impacts these things keep having. To me it's still a very dark time, even with all the Christmas lights adorning the streets.
Every year I visit my family on Second Christmas Day and every year they manage to stab that knife a little deeper. This year I swore I wouldn't go but saying I got pressured into going would be an understatement. All the standard cliches were smacked upon the table and in my face, every single flaw in my life dragged out onto the streets and beaten like a long dead horse. Every negative aspect in my life magnified and judged by people who don't have clue what the hell they're talking about.
The urge to reach over the table and strangle them has long since been taken over by just sitting lifelessly on a chair, taking the shower of crap before returning home and drinking myself into a beer-induced coma. So apologies if all this seems somewhat pessimistic, the boozing has already started.
About 5 more days left in this horrible year, and once again I'm hoping they turn out for the best, so I can at least close it off with some dignity and hope that the next one will better somehow. At least I won't be home on New Years Eve, I'll be elsewhere. Hopefully somewhere where I can lay 2009 to rest with someone who does care, though that is out of my control.
For now, I'll be sitting here in this chair until I either fall over or until the sun rises again so I can go to bed.
Sav out
First Day of Christmas is when I take my yearly trip to church with my father. Call it...tradition. I'm not religious in any way so I'm not going there to hear that dude in the white dress talk about the Mighty Lord. I use that 2 hours on an uncomfortable wooden bench to reflect on the past year. What better place to do that then a huge stone cave with no sounds (or heating, Jesus didn't take kindly to fireplaces).
Oh-Nine has been a total shithole for me, save one or two things. Got booted from school, couldn't find a job, lost some important people, hospital a few times, that nasty accident my mom had for the 3rd time and Christmas horror to top it off.
Only lights in the darkness: some people I met online, especially that one person who keeps distracting my thoughts, and...well..that's it..
I might not be alone, probably never have been, but I sure as hell am damn lonely. If anyone wants to convince me otherwise, you'll have a hard time. My heart is easily reached but my head is not. Even when good things do happen I keep wondering if it's not a mistake, meant for someone else. It's hard to accept true happiness after everything that's been unloaded on to me. Yes, I know some people's stories make mine look like Disneyland but that doesn't negate the personal impacts these things keep having. To me it's still a very dark time, even with all the Christmas lights adorning the streets.
Every year I visit my family on Second Christmas Day and every year they manage to stab that knife a little deeper. This year I swore I wouldn't go but saying I got pressured into going would be an understatement. All the standard cliches were smacked upon the table and in my face, every single flaw in my life dragged out onto the streets and beaten like a long dead horse. Every negative aspect in my life magnified and judged by people who don't have clue what the hell they're talking about.
The urge to reach over the table and strangle them has long since been taken over by just sitting lifelessly on a chair, taking the shower of crap before returning home and drinking myself into a beer-induced coma. So apologies if all this seems somewhat pessimistic, the boozing has already started.
About 5 more days left in this horrible year, and once again I'm hoping they turn out for the best, so I can at least close it off with some dignity and hope that the next one will better somehow. At least I won't be home on New Years Eve, I'll be elsewhere. Hopefully somewhere where I can lay 2009 to rest with someone who does care, though that is out of my control.
For now, I'll be sitting here in this chair until I either fall over or until the sun rises again so I can go to bed.
Sav out
17 December 2009
White Snow, Black Night
So I wake up and it's all white outside. Should've been expecting it since the snow-warnings were all over the news last night but in a slight hint of pessimism I figured it wouldn't snow this early. Until I realizes of course that it's already one week from Christmas >.<
All that aside, it's been another eventful week, nice emotional instability issues and the lot as usual. But, I wouldn't be writing here should they not be resolved already in a quite fulfilling manner.
The past weekend I royally fucked up, everyone in on this would agree. However, I'd say that we've moved past this and the things that caused it to come out on the other side stronger and better. I know it's not a new year yet, but I've already started on my own resolution for '10: grow some more bloody spine.
For years my own insecurities have been weighing me down, holding me back. Though some of the issues causing them are still here, I feel that I can overcome them. Not on my own but definitely with the people that care for me, which turns out to be more than I imagined really.
Therefore, my resolution will be to start acting more like me. It sounds a bit dodgy but what I mean by that is that I'm going to put effort into opening up more, not just online but face to face with other people. I can't and won't be that carpet anymore that people use to wipe their feet on, as happened last night.
I'll give a short rundown of the story. A bunch of people dragged me off to help them even though I didn't plan to, or had the time and will to. But, eternally nice guy couldn't say no and agreed to tag along. They ended up repaying me by saying I was worthless, crap and generally useless. Yeah, that's exactly what I wanted to hear after helping them out....
So fuck that and fuck them basically, I'm through being the nice guy just for the sake of being nice and wanting to be appreciated. If you don't like me because I happened to not be able to help out then too bad.
Now I'm not saying I'm going to be acting like some rampant jerk all of a sudden, because I still greatly enjoy helping others out and socializing online but if I don't feel like it, then you can expect a 'no' from now on.
Now you're probably wondering (nah, probably not) where all this suddenly came from. Where else but from the person I really care deeply about. She knows she's still on my mind and in my heart and I want to thank her for helping me on this path even though she might not know she has.
The last say...3 months have been a big period of change for me, both mentally and physically (no I did not hit puberty >.>). I want to work on being a better me and not just for myself but for everyone else. And even though I might still be at a loss sometimes as to what step to take next, I know I will get there eventually.
Oh and if you were still doubting: NO, I haven't given up on you yet. YES, I still want you. YES, I am sure. YES, I know you're in a rough spot. NO, I will not walk away easily and silently...not anymore. YES, I AM looking forward to taking you in my arms again, this time as myself, and make you feel like you can bury your head in chest and build on me like it's supposed to.
I ain't dead yet bitches!!
All that aside, it's been another eventful week, nice emotional instability issues and the lot as usual. But, I wouldn't be writing here should they not be resolved already in a quite fulfilling manner.
The past weekend I royally fucked up, everyone in on this would agree. However, I'd say that we've moved past this and the things that caused it to come out on the other side stronger and better. I know it's not a new year yet, but I've already started on my own resolution for '10: grow some more bloody spine.
For years my own insecurities have been weighing me down, holding me back. Though some of the issues causing them are still here, I feel that I can overcome them. Not on my own but definitely with the people that care for me, which turns out to be more than I imagined really.
Therefore, my resolution will be to start acting more like me. It sounds a bit dodgy but what I mean by that is that I'm going to put effort into opening up more, not just online but face to face with other people. I can't and won't be that carpet anymore that people use to wipe their feet on, as happened last night.
I'll give a short rundown of the story. A bunch of people dragged me off to help them even though I didn't plan to, or had the time and will to. But, eternally nice guy couldn't say no and agreed to tag along. They ended up repaying me by saying I was worthless, crap and generally useless. Yeah, that's exactly what I wanted to hear after helping them out....
So fuck that and fuck them basically, I'm through being the nice guy just for the sake of being nice and wanting to be appreciated. If you don't like me because I happened to not be able to help out then too bad.
Now I'm not saying I'm going to be acting like some rampant jerk all of a sudden, because I still greatly enjoy helping others out and socializing online but if I don't feel like it, then you can expect a 'no' from now on.
Now you're probably wondering (nah, probably not) where all this suddenly came from. Where else but from the person I really care deeply about. She knows she's still on my mind and in my heart and I want to thank her for helping me on this path even though she might not know she has.
The last say...3 months have been a big period of change for me, both mentally and physically (no I did not hit puberty >.>). I want to work on being a better me and not just for myself but for everyone else. And even though I might still be at a loss sometimes as to what step to take next, I know I will get there eventually.
Oh and if you were still doubting: NO, I haven't given up on you yet. YES, I still want you. YES, I am sure. YES, I know you're in a rough spot. NO, I will not walk away easily and silently...not anymore. YES, I AM looking forward to taking you in my arms again, this time as myself, and make you feel like you can bury your head in chest and build on me like it's supposed to.
I ain't dead yet bitches!!
6 December 2009
So it's been a while...
I thought it was time again to write down my thoughts and, most of it, my woes. Things have changed since my last post. Some for the better, some for the worse. I'll just start at the beginning and see where I end up I guess.
Last weekend, wow, probably the most life changing experience I've ever had. I'm not really sure how open I can be about the whole thing but I'm gonna try my best to convey my feelings as I see fit. So I went to see this woman I really like. Even before I actually met her I liked her and in a crazy, spine-growing experience, I even told her that. To my surprise (kinda) she did not bite my head off, call me names or otherwise insult me.
I spent Saturday and Sunday at her place, generally relaxing, talking, laughing and cuddling. Seeing as my life up until now has been lacking any kind of real social and physical contact I was afraid I was gonna overload right there and then >.<
Needless to say things went well and as soon as I boarded the train home I started to miss her.
The past week I've been thinking about her a lot, as well as talking to her and texting her. Every time I wish she was here, so I could hold her and she could hold me. So I could kiss her and she could kiss me. But I also feel bad for thinking about it that much. I know she's got a very busy life and can't just take 2 days off to come hang out with me, drink a beer, watch a movie. It makes me feel selfish, because it's my fault I don't have anything better to do all day, to take my mind off things. Seeing all the people around me happily prancing around with girlfriends, wives, kids, etc is also not really uplifting.
All I can do now I guess is to wait when we can see each other again, if ever. I'm still a bit confused as to how all this should work but expert advice tells me it always takes time. The last thing I want is to come across as pushy or annoying because that's never good.
With that out of the way, what else happened? 2 people I know got pregnant, I ate my 2nd Sub evah and it tasted great, Dutch national gift-giving holiday came and went without leaving me much good and that's about it I guess.....
Tune in next time for more ramblings, whenever I feel like it....
Last weekend, wow, probably the most life changing experience I've ever had. I'm not really sure how open I can be about the whole thing but I'm gonna try my best to convey my feelings as I see fit. So I went to see this woman I really like. Even before I actually met her I liked her and in a crazy, spine-growing experience, I even told her that. To my surprise (kinda) she did not bite my head off, call me names or otherwise insult me.
I spent Saturday and Sunday at her place, generally relaxing, talking, laughing and cuddling. Seeing as my life up until now has been lacking any kind of real social and physical contact I was afraid I was gonna overload right there and then >.<
Needless to say things went well and as soon as I boarded the train home I started to miss her.
The past week I've been thinking about her a lot, as well as talking to her and texting her. Every time I wish she was here, so I could hold her and she could hold me. So I could kiss her and she could kiss me. But I also feel bad for thinking about it that much. I know she's got a very busy life and can't just take 2 days off to come hang out with me, drink a beer, watch a movie. It makes me feel selfish, because it's my fault I don't have anything better to do all day, to take my mind off things. Seeing all the people around me happily prancing around with girlfriends, wives, kids, etc is also not really uplifting.
All I can do now I guess is to wait when we can see each other again, if ever. I'm still a bit confused as to how all this should work but expert advice tells me it always takes time. The last thing I want is to come across as pushy or annoying because that's never good.
With that out of the way, what else happened? 2 people I know got pregnant, I ate my 2nd Sub evah and it tasted great, Dutch national gift-giving holiday came and went without leaving me much good and that's about it I guess.....
Tune in next time for more ramblings, whenever I feel like it....
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