Tomorrow will be okay

Wall of text after the video.



What do you do when you go against everyone? Ignore every opinion and piece of advice because you 'feel' something?
Am I right in doing what I do because I believe something or am I a stubborn idiot on a crash course.


I'm on the outside
and I'm looking in

The above song suddenly made perfect sense to me. I'm great at distancing myself and looking at a situation objectively, analyzing it and coming up with a way to deal with whatever is wrong. However when I try to follow that plan, trouble starts. I have to lose my objectivity and feelings mess it all up again.

I seem to be between a rock and a hard place, far from the warm and safe spot I want to be in. Do I do the 'right' thing or the....'right' thing? There is no right thing when it comes to feelings, only love or pain.


I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

You are like me in many ways, you feel you're not right, not complete, not normal whatever that is. And because you are like me I can relate. I know how you feel and what goes on in your head..mostly.


All the times
That I've cried
All this wasted
It's all inside
And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It's back again
And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can't mend

It aches. It stings. It burns. It hurts. Every time you disappear, every time you're there but not really. Every time I miss you. Every time I think about you. Every time I see people kissing, walking hand in hand or enjoying themselves.

Lots of times I don't understand things, I try to understand but you can't or won't let me. It's hard to start a conversation, to continue it or to have it be about something important.

So why do I still feel like I do. Why is there this burning love that still fills me up when I see you, even when you don't see me. I had hoped you could tell me but you can't. I don't know if you can even tell yourself.


But I feel
Tomorrow will be okay

In the end I always go on. Mostly by myself with support from those who really matter. Those who care and think I should go on in the first place. After every fatal mistake I make they don't say 'I told you so'. They say 'I'm sorry for what happened, please recover and become yourself again'.

No matter how bad I feel or will feel in time to come, tomorrow....will be okay.

Only the Best Days

Not all is bleak and dark. Behold, my fondest memories!

- My first visit to the yearly rally in the region, 1993. Standing outside at the end of November in the freezing cold at 3AM with my dad, my uncles and my cousins. Almost falling asleep against a tree inbetween trials and being taken to the nearest bar for....hot coco.

- Family holiday in Center Parks for my parents' 25th wedding anniversary, 2010. All 6 of us together, just having fun. Spending the day in the tropical pool, eating old-style hamburgers, relaxing in the hot tub, having a fantastic grilled meal in our VIP-cottage with sauna, sitting on the sofa's watching 'Australia' and getting pleasantly drunk off of the Beertender brews.

- Watching the 'Tour of Eleven Cities' with my dad, 1997. Being waken up at 4.30 in the morning for a surprise, going down and seeing the couch pulled up to the TV and snacks all over the table. Sitting down and watching the start of the first and so far only Tour of my life. We sat there all day, till the finish line closed at 11.59PM and we felt sorry for the people who finished a minute too late and didn't get their reward. 'Watch and enjoy son, this is a unique event and there may never be one ever again'....oh how right he has been.

- Touching down in Poland after a 2 hour flight, 2009. My first plane trip, my first holiday, my first time further away than my own country, my first time visiting WoW-folk, my first time away on my own, my first time clubbing and dancing. And for all that, only 2 days of planning went into it. The biggest leap of faith I've ever taken and the one that paid out the most. Perhaps not right away but certainly the aftereffects.

- My first kiss, 2009. Every detail, every smell, every feeling...Burned into my memory for all times.

- Discovery of my musical tastes, 2007. One slow Wednesday evening, I tuned into the WoW-Radio show 'the Lorekeepers' and got blasted by VNV Nation's 'Honor'. It changed the way I looked and still look at music and the type of music I prefer. Electronic, Industrial, Techno, this is my kind of music!

- Purchasing a major appliance with hard-earned cash, 2004. A big, shiny beast of a computer. Put together from selected parts by Dell, this black beauty still serves me well. She will be retired within a month, to be replaced with a significant upgrade. She won't be forgotten though.

- First time I got drunk, 1994. My Holy Communion, a big occasion over here and reason to party hard. I spent the evening emptying my esteemed guests' beer bottles with my straw, resulting in my parents putting me underneath a stream of cold water in the shower, afraid I might pass out from euphoria and/or alcohol overdose. Sipping beer through straws is not done, especially not when 8 years old...

Post at 2.45am? That can't be good!

Sure it can, actually! Had some creative thoughts flow to me and had to write stuff down, as usual. So enjoy this 'thingy' I thought up, based on my current situation but not aimed at anyone in particular. It's got an intro and everything.

'All about me'

Without day, there is no night
Without darkness, there is no light
Without good, no bad
Without black, no white


If springtime is the beginning and winter is the end
Then my life is now in summer, autumn lurking ‘round the bend
I am hoping to get there some day with no sorrow and no regrets
And a very special someone, taking me by the hand

All I ask is understanding, tender love and care
Give me what I give you, for it is only fair
I want truth and attention, a kiss and a smile
Can you handle that? Come and prove it, if you dare

Demands are not an option, this is mostly give and take
Scold me never for my flaws, only the wrong choices that I make
Good days, bad days, happy days and sad days
Each moment I want to share with you, while asleep and while awake

I do not have all the answers and that would not be much fun
Not choosing my own battles, only those that could be won
But it is the lost ones that count too, that make me who I am
Not just the good things, but also the bad stuff I have done

Maybe I should ask you, to forgive me for being me
But that is just the thing, I can not do that, see
If you can not take me for who I am
Then I am sorry, but we are not meant to be

It took some time to realize, some time before it got through
We all get what we deserve, whatever we are due
All I ask is that special someone with me
And that someone...that is you.....

Reflection doesn't only happen in mirrors and lakes

No intro needed, just get your coffee-mugs ready and keep your Red Bull's chilled! It's gonna be a long and bumpy ride!


The Seven Deadly Sins
and
The Seven Holy Virtues
2010


The 7 Deadly Sins and their counterparts, the 7 Holy Virtues have been around for ages, longer than I care to remember or recite here. The fact is that they still remain today as a sort of standard to which one’s life is measured, to determine one’s good and bad sides.
No longer are they solely tied to the church or religion, their meanings mostly simplified and adapted to the modern Western lifestyle.

One year ago, someone dear to me asked me a series of questions, told me a series of stories and shared with me a series of thoughts that changed my life forever. At the end of all that, she asked me to make this list of the 7 Virtues and Sins and to apply them to how I perceived myself or thought myself perceived. I completed that ‘assignment’ and posted it as the premiere of my new blog.
One year ago, I could not see how much my life had changed and certainly not how much further this change would continue into the future. If you had told me then, all the things that have happened this year, all the things I have seen and done, I would have laughed in your face and called you insane....
One year ago, I started something, something I will continue today. As a record of my perpetual growth, or maybe my eternal stagnation, I give you this follow up. My take on myself as I am at this point in time.


Lust/Chastity
‘Lust is usually thought of as excessive thoughts or desires of a sexual nature’
‘Giving in to lusts can lead to sexual or sociological compulsions and/or transgressions including (but not limited to) sexual addiction, fornication, adultery, bestiality, rape, perversion, and incest’

‘Chastity is sexual behaviour of a man or woman acceptable to the ethical norms and guidelines of a culture, civilization, or religion’
‘In the western world, the term has become closely associated with sexual abstinence, especially before marriage. However, the term remains applicable to persons in all states, single or married, clerical or lay, and has implications beyond sexual temperance’

I am a man. Men think about sex, a lot. This has been proven by various studies over the years and I have yet to find any man that stands up to this so-called stereotype. Men are not alone in their thinking, I give you that. Women too indulge in similar thoughts, they are usually just not as open or forward about it.

I like to think about sex, eroticism, nudity and the likes. I have never made a secret of it, not to anyone. On the other side of that coin, I also think a lot about the ‘softer’ sides of Lust. Namely romance, intimacy, sexual respect and the emotional connection that comes with the previously mentioned engagements.
I think I have surprise some people the past 6 months or so with my thoughts and perceptions about said subject. Many do not take me for the romantic type. I blatantly mock sexuality, joke around online about it and hide nothing from my own personal life concerning sex or sexuality.

Why? Because I lack it. I lack it in all the finer ways that I summed up above. I can easily get my kicks from porn or fantasies, just like everyone else. But the aspects I value most, the bodily contact, the closeness of being with someone, be they a really good friend or a lover, those aspects I still miss in my life.
Nothing I have said or done this past year has changed my need for these basic things, nor the fact that I still have not attained them.

I have found love this year, multiple times. How deep and how significant these were, I cannot tell yet beyond speculation and wishful thinking. I do however know that I have found someone that fills me on a spiritual level as well as on a physical one. Someone that gives me before unknown feelings of completeness, compassion and care.
Due to circumstances we have not been together. Yet. This is where the wishful thinking comes in since I cannot for certain say when this will happen.
The old, more pessimistic, me would have added an ‘if’ to that last sentence, but the ‘new me’ will not. For once, I have hope and good faith that we will meet. And without putting too much pressure on it beforehand, I believe it will be as amazing as we both imagine it.

All that said, because I am human after all, I still indulge in sexual gratification at the rate and severity I have before. Same thing, same results, so to say. If anyone blames me for wanting to do that, be my guest. It would be like denying your own primal urges.


Gluttony/Temperance
‘Gluttony is the over-indulgence and over-consumption of anything to the point of waste’
‘It is considered a sin because of the excessive desire for food, or its withholding from the needy’

‘Temperance is constant mindfulness of others and one's surroundings; practicing self-control, abstention, and moderation’

Moderation, my old friend. By chance and by necessity I am driven to it. I cannot afford frequent or extravagant indulging in the physical matter by sheer lack of monetary resources. In simpler words: I’m nearly broke, my family is nearly broke and have been for a while now.
That said, because of the money I earned this year by working, part of which has gone towards my school fund, I have ‘indulged’ for the first time in the luxury of travel.

Having never stepped foot outside of my known world before September 2009, that being the larger part of the Netherlands and the tip of Belgium, impulses suddenly took over and by right of the free spirit I made several giant leaps into the unknown.
Not all of them worked out as great or as I had planned but they were never without positive effect. Many new friends I have gained through it, many unforgettable experiences and I would do it all again if I could, even considering the pain some have brought.

A small list of things: My first kiss, my first plane trip, my first döner kebab, my first visit to a non-Benelux country, my first tequila shots, my first proper guild meeting.

All those things because a year and two months ago, someone crazy and lovable said ‘come to my place for 10 days, don’t care that it’s 2 countries over and 2 hours flying away’ and a voice in my head said ‘do it, do it now or forever regret it and the dull life you will live’.
Thus it happened, that same week I hopped a plane to Poland and I never had any regrets (thank you Elwira). After that bold expedition I explored more of Belgium (thank you Michelle), the Netherlands (thank you Purdey) and more of Germany (thank you Christopher, thank you Jak and thank you Emilia). Soon I hope to add Britain (thank you Sophie, thank you Darren and thank you Owan) and Finland (thank you Sofia), perhaps even Norway and Sweden.

Still, indulgence is indulgence, even if it only brought positive change to my life. Temperance is thusly in order and not only in the monetary sense.

More and more I have found myself in situations where I stepped away from a situation, analysed it and where I came to the conclusion that I had to ‘take it more slowly’. I can be a lot of me sometimes. That can be a good thing, I like to give people my full attention, tell them about myself and my dealings with fiery passion, get into someone so much that they get every waking second of me. That is also where it becomes a bad thing. Tunnel vision, overexertion, clinginess and smothering can ensue. Things that have broken more than can ever be mended again.
Only ongoing work, perseverance and restraint can fix that, for I still suffer from this need to be recognised, to be acknowledged, to be loved like I love someone back.

As for the dietary part of Gluttony, I’ve maintained my weight goal of just below 80kgs without fail. Though I can and certainly wish to shed a few kilograms more, I think losing 40kgs/90lbs was a feat on it’s own, one that I to this day still don’t fully realise. My need for ‘comfort food’ and midnight snacks has all but disappeared which counterbalances the fact I gave up going to the gym twice a week.
I feel no need to gain more muscles than I already have and only Temperance can prevent me from gaining all that weight back again and maybe even make me lose a bit more if needed.


Greed/Charity
‘Greed is, like lust and gluttony, a sin of excess. However, greed is applied to the acquisition of wealth in particular’

‘Charity equals generosity, willingness to give, a nobility of thought or actions’

Wealth, even though I do not have and do not really need it, still remains a powerful stimulant in the background of some of my actions.

Going back to school for example was not only a decision made for the betterment of myself in the field of knowledge and social engagements. I was also one made for monetary reasons. The debt I have collected the past 5 years due to a failed education will be absolved if I manage to successfully graduate from the college I have joined this year.
Management, Economics and, most of all, Law, are my new goals the upcoming 4 years. Specialising to become an (international) judicial advisor is my aim, for I found out that I really like law and laws and that I can handle them fairly easy and fairly well.

The trips I make and plan to make cost money as well. For that purpose I want to ‘acquire’ more wealth as well.
Other than that, I still do not have much more need for luxury beyond what I already have. A computer, a TV and a phone are all that I require to live the quality of life that I desire. A car and a place to myself are next on the list but they are not so much luxuries as modern-day requirements for Western life. With my 24 years I am already considered as ‘running behind’ for still living at home, beginning college and not having a driver’s licence yet.

Charity in money is still not a big thing for me, seeing as I need all the cash I have for myself. Sure, I care about others that have it tougher than me but I still cannot reasonably convince myself that donating any of my own money will improve their situation more than it will worsen mine.
I do however still strive to give all that I can, and perhaps more than I can and should, emotionally as support or love and care.


Sloth/Diligence
‘Sloth is the failure to utilize one's talents and gifts’
‘Spiritual or emotional apathy, being physically and emotionally inactive’
‘Laziness and indifference’
‘Wasting due to lack of use, expanding into almost any person, place, thing, skills, or intangible ideal that would require maintenance, refinement, or support to continue to exist’

‘Diligence is a zealous and careful nature in one's actions and work. Decisive work ethic. Budgeting one's time; monitoring one's own activities to guard against laziness’

‘Rather be lazy than tired’ is what people that don’t know me very well sometimes say about me. In truth, some of that may be true. I do what it takes to get the job done, whatever it may be, and then call it a day.
But not because of indifference, but because I think I have better things to do with my limited time and energy. Not once have I forsaken a task that needed to be done because I would rather sleep or relax. When needed, asked or not, I have given it 110% because it was needed.

Despite all that, I remain a sloth in the sense that I enjoy my downtime, my sleep, my relaxation. I truly appreciate that rare bubble bath, that family dinner, that holiday or that day off where I can stay in bed until late in the afternoon. Nothing makes me happier than to be curled up beneath my blankets in deep, peaceful sleep, dreaming of better things.
Nothing gives me more joy than to sit down at a table with my family, in a relaxing atmosphere and sharing a meal or dinner.

But when work has to be done, I am ready for it. I have ‘worked’ worked. Physical labour, manual labour, repetitive labour. I have done it and although I may have resented its nature, I have not once complained. It had to be done, for various reasons, be they money, grades, respect or duty. And I would do it again, and again, if needed.


Wrath/Patience
‘Wrath is inordinate and uncontrolled feelings of hatred and anger’
‘Denial of the truth, both to others and in the form of self-denial, impatience with the procedure of law, the desire to seek revenge outside of the workings of the justice system and generally wishing to do evil or harm to others’

‘Patience is forbearance and endurance through moderation. Resolving conflicts peacefully, as opposed to resorting to violence. The ability to forgive; to show mercy’

Violence is not my thing, outside the stylings of virtual combat. Once in my life have I raised my fist to someone and I was made to regret it dearly (and so was he). The feeling that trigger physical response, however, remain. I am not trained in the arts of remaining calm at all costs. I too explode with anger sometimes, although rarely. This usually results in verbal measures. Cursing, swearing or general auditory bombardment with strong language and rage.

Most of the time I appear and remain calm. I am not easily angered or provoked into an angry response. Finding solutions to problems or avoiding them altogether are the methods I prefer to use. This quality has gotten me into difficult situations as well. My need for peaceful resolve instead of a direct and harsh approach aren’t always well perceived, nor appreciated by everyone. But even in those situations, I stand by my decisions, because they are mine and I will accept all consequences. Good or bad.


Envy/Kindness
‘Those who commit the sin of envy resent that another person has something they perceive themselves as lacking, and wish the other person to be deprived of it’
‘Sorrow for another’s good’

‘Kindness equals compassion, friendship, and empathy without prejudice and for its own sake’

Envy, or as continue to call it: Jealousy, is still my worst attribute to this day. It makes me such a different person sometimes, makes me say things I don’t mean and regret later, makes me take actions that are illogical, untruthful and hurtful.
Even though I resolved to take care of this issue when I identified it in my previous entry, not much has changed on this front. Partly because it is a hard thing to change, something based on trust that I have a hard time giving and partly because I have no reason yet to change it.

Though I can name many instances where my envy has led me to wrongdoings, they are still important lessons I learned, without which I would not be the man I am today.
But now that I consider myself to be in a relationship, this negative aspect of me, coupled with an ‘outside’ source of influence, has me sometimes crawling on the floor in despair. Issues with trust are incredibly hard to take away. Trust has to be earned and given equally. Yet my perception of trust is damaged and warped because of dealings in the past. I don’t give it out that easily and I do not accept it easily either.
The following conflicting emotions of jealousy and mistrust versus love, understanding and trust lead me to have severe anxiety attacks and episodes of paranoia and anger that are always, without fail, misdirected at friends, loved ones and myself.

Somehow, I need to change. Or, more accurately, someone needs to change me. Someone that can prove trust is still something I am capable of. Both on the receiving and the giving ends. Maybe I have already found that someone, time will tell. For now, it does seem this downside of me is tempered somewhat. Both by more rationalisation and by the earning of trust by that person.

My friends still, and always will, mean the world to me. As I have stated numerous times before: I would take a bullet for them, travel to the ends of the earth and back and even descend into hell and beyond to be there for them. To support them, embrace them and love them. If you are my friend, I would die for you.
This past year I have gained many friends. More so than in all the years before. Mostly because of my more open attitude towards life and the living, but also because of my ongoing struggle to be myself more. Though that is not yet a battle certainly won.
Some friends I have lost this year, though not many and most of them not permanently either, in my eyes. I have made mistakes, I owned up to them in most cases and I learned lessons from them.


Pride/Humility
‘Pride is a desire to be more important or attractive than others, failing to acknowledge the good work of others, and excessive love of self’
‘Love of self, perverted to hatred and contempt for one's neighbour’

‘Humility consists of modest behaviour, selflessness, and the giving of respect. Giving credit where credit is due; not unfairly glorifying one's own self’

Pride comes before the fall, but I have not yet fallen. I also don’t plan on doing that anytime soon. I take personal pride in the things I do, the feats I accomplish and the tasks I complete. I pat myself on the shoulder, doubly if no one else does it for me.
I do not seek glorification or idolisation but I do have a craving for recognition and the occasional pat on the back or ‘job well done’.
At school this is easily achieved. Good grades, an immaculate report or a well-prepared presentation are not hard to grade and gratification comes through that and the acknowledgement of my peers and elders.

At home, or more specifically in my personal life, this is not as easy. My parents are caring, loving people but I feel that they do not feel comfortable or perhaps lost in the ways of showing that they are proud of me or sometimes even care. I have to fish for compliments or that kind, supporting word. Even though I don’t want to have to do that, I still yearn for it.

On a deeper, emotional level, I want this even more. That feeling that you are loved, protected, cared for, is not easily gotten. Only specific persons can give that kind of feeling and they are rare finds in a lifetime. Once such a person appears, it is all the more important to receive these things from them, even when (or actually, especially when) they are not asked for, but simply given automatically.
Again that need for a deeper emotional connection comes up as the supporting line in this essay. One can say that it is all I want, though that would slightly short-sighted. It is definitely something that is lacking or has been lacking from my life up to this point and something I wish for more than anything in the world.

Love of self is a different issue altogether. Not in the overindulging kind of way, but the introspective meaning of the saying.
Several times in this essay have I reflected back upon this past year and the growth it has brought me. Getting to know myself better, understanding myself deeper and loving myself ever so slightly more are among the changes that have taken place. I still don’t have a very positive image of myself. I still bring myself down unnessecarily and worry about trivial aspects of my appearance and behaviour.

Yet I have made progress on this subject. I have all but done away with my aversion to compliments. I have finally discovered qualities of myself that I never held possible I had, even though people have been telling me for ages that I did. This has made me more open to accepting the views people give me of myself when asked or not asked for it. I see positive aspects of myself more clearly now and I embrace them. Perhaps there are some things I am inherently good at after all.


This bring me to the end of my reflection, again. I have purposely not read the old essay I wrote all those months ago so it would not have an effect on the things I would write down underneath the 7 headers. It is up to you readers now to judge whether the changes I have made are for the better or worse, or if they were any changes in me at all. Not all of you have known me long enough to be able to judge thusly, so you may take this wall of text as you first real introduction to me.
Those of you who remember me from more than a year ago and have perhaps even read my previous reflection are free to contact me whenever about anything you feel like discussing from all of the above.
Questions, remarks, comments, send them my way. I value your opinions greatly. Even though I wrote this mostly for myself, it does help in giving you all a better view of me, who I am and why I sometimes do the things I do. So therefore, if you have made it all the way down this incredibly long post, I commend you and, most of all, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Regards,


Robin

P.S. Special thanks of course to you, I can't even begin to say what you've meant and still mean to me!

Whatever we are, we are together

I think we kinda agreed on it last night, no matter how we feel, where we are, who we were or how we look, we're 'we'.

And that fact alone can make me wake up after 3 hours of sleep and feel rejuvenated. It can make a bad day good, a dark night comfortable. The thought of being with you, rain in the background and crackling fireplace before us while Godot's Theme plays gives me a feeling I've never felt before: deep, unconditional love.

I know about you, though not nearly enough as I'd like, but enough to be able to make decisions. I have seen you, though not nearly as long as I'd like, but enough to be able to say you are more gorgeous than my wildest dreams.

You say about yourself that sometimes you are withdrawn, quiet and taken in by other things: I know that as well but I disagree on the parts where you think this is a bad thing.

I trust you in every way possible, I share with you my flaws and fears. I wave your flaws aside and try to take away your fears because you're you and for all that has been said and done:

I LOVE YOU

Even though I know it's only chemical....

...these peaks and valleys are beginning to take their toll.

The first line of the song that perfectly describes my life. For over 5 years now, I've been listening to it on and off. Mostly when the 'valleys' hit me like trucks. So I've not told a lot of people but...there is indeed something chemically wrong with me so as to cause these fluctuations. They hit whenever, unexpected and hard, sometimes one after another.

The extreme high, the lowest low. Mr. BPD as I like to call it, comes 'a knocking frequently and at the least opportune moments.

Insecurity, doubt, fear, anxiety, pride, jealousy, withdrawn behavior, they are all part of it.

Maybe saying no to medication was a mistake after all....

Coming soon, to a blawg near you!

Essay..PART DEUX! That's right, I've been blogging for nearly a year now and in retrospect, this has been the most exciting year in my life since....I was born! So I will be revisiting my former 'masterpiece' to update it with a year's worth of pain, suffering, happiness and joy!

Sav.

P.S. If you haven't read it yet, check Nov '09 ;)

Short scribbly

Sitting here at school, thinking about stuff. Mostly you....things running through my head: doubts, hopes, pictures, stories.

I wish I could tell you everything I want to, but I'm afraid. Afraid you might think I'm pushy, that I'm demanding; and I just don't want to lose you, because I like you. But you probably already figured that.

I'm not really sure what to do now, do I do it my way and risk it all or do I let things run it's course and see where it ends? Only one person has the answer to that and that's you. Then again, you probably won't even read this.

Had 3 hours of sleep last night and had to be up at 6, my mind's slightly cloudy but nevertheless pretty clear on some things: fighting spirit and zeal! Too many times have I backed out, given up, walked away and hung my head. I don't want to anymore, I cannot anymore. Fight for you is what I'll do, to my dying breath.

Why? Because you're worth it and ... because I'm worth it too.


Sav.

Disappointment is my middle name

I bring it, I feel it, I hear it and I see it. One of the worst things in the world is to get your hopes up and having them crushed or trampled upon.

Yet every time we do it again, and again, and again. Why? Because we need something to hold on to, to think that there's something to live for. What is life worth if there is no hope? Not much I'd say...

Sometimes I think I try too hard, that I want it too much. Or is there no such thing and am I not to blame but the person on the other side?

I think that, in the end, hope is what keeps us going, so to give up hope and to throw it away would be foolish, even more foolish than to have hopes in the first place.

And do we not all hope for the best, even though we can't expect any of it to ever turn real?

'Heart'

(Return of) the Light

The light, the light
It used to shine so bright
Then it dimmed and faded
Disappeared into the night

Once so warm and soothing
Like a tight embrace
The sun, the moon, your gleaming eyes
They gazed onto my face

One day I woke in darkness
The light had slipped away
No longer held in comfort
Night fell upon the day

Cold and lonely were the hallways
In which I roamed for many weeks
Searching for your lost smile
Your rosy, blushing cheeks

Your darkened hair, your subtle skin
The words you spoke so true
Made me want to find the light again
For the light was surely you

My eyes grew used to blackness
Solitude became my soul
Forever doomed to loneliness
Always distant, never whole

Suddenly, a ray of shining sun
Made it so that I could see
A familiar figure in the doorway:
She had returned to me

Slowly I am now waking
Rekindling my will to fight
To protect what truly matters:
Only you....my light....

It's a trap, you fucking idiot! *sigh*

You know that little voice inside your head? That tells you things that are glaringly obvious but you somehow don't want to see? This voice keeps telling me to stop being stupid and trusting people like my person always does.

As I pull yet another knife from out my back, with the blood also comes the pain of previous stabbings, adding up to a dull, throbbing pain centered in my head near that tiny voice. It's saying 'Told you so, maybe next time you'll listen'.

How many times can you yank a Jojo up and down before the cord breaks? This I wonder...And if that cord breaks, what happens then? Does the Jojo break too? Do you fix the cord?
If you slam it down often enough to actually destroy it, is it then even worth fixing? Isn't it just your own fault?

Enough with the stupid comparisons, here's the deal: betrayal, leading on, false hope, fake feelings. They suck, they sting, they hurt, all of that. Am I addicted to it somehow? Does my head have a big sign saying 'oeh hey there lady, take me, I'm easy!'? Or am I leading myself into these traps time and time again, setting myself up for failure.

I must be, the only other explanation is either really bad luck (he ran backwards into my knife, 15 times, I swear!) or is it something bigger than me that has decided I'm the perfect subject for the ultimate practical joke.

Sadly, I don't believe in either luck or something bigger than me....so what's left? To pick up the Jojo again and hope the string stays in one piece a little longer, until someone comes along who knows how to actually use the bloody thing.

School is for learning!

School has started again, and this year I too am part of the new league of first year does, looking around as if stricken with flashy, bright headlights.
Only, in a way, I can be considered a seasoned deer, already having spent 4 years in college but without much luck.

The instant I stepped into the classroom to meet my new classmates I knew I would be the 'oldest' this time around, usually looked upon with pity and seen as an old fart with nothing usefull to say. Also, the fear struck me, if even for a second or two, to still be that guy who entered college 5 years ago. Timid, silent, socially inept and withdrawn...

Like hell that was gonna be me! I was, and still am, determined to not be those guys and I succeeded. You can only make one first impression as they say and although that is not my strong suit, I managed quite well to leave a mark on that meeting and the one after that.

A few days after the first meeting came the so-called introduction day. Intended to get to know ones classmates, seniors and chosen city of learning, the planning always includes games and hikes. It also never gets done the way it is planned, for as early as 10.30 we were sat in front of a bar in the warm sun, enjoying our first glass of beer of the day with many more to come.

My class turned out to be the official 'most fun class' of the new year as we instantly all bonded and had a great time until the sun set and people departed to far-off beds to prepare for the early morning in class the very next day.

I sat in the train feeling fulfilled and kinda happy. I got accepted even though I am 7 years everyone's senior, proving that you are only as old as you feel and behave. The fact I'm mentally 16 and I act like that worked to my advantage this time...

Besides my now well-known tolerance to alcohol and knack for silly puns, sarcasm and dirty wit, I have also proven myself to be reliable and knowledgeable in the fields my study requires me to be proficient in.

'But Sav...is it all good and well in your life then?', one could ask. Nope, it is not or should I say, of course it is not. The things bothering me did not go poof overnight nor will they ever. The many issues, the many insecurities, the many problems, the many downers, they all still linger. I just have less time now to worry about them, which is probably for the best.


Sav.

Time flies, time flows, time stops

4 months I have been pondering whether or not to post anything here because I figured 'who would read it anyway' before I re-realized why I made this blog in the first place: to pen down stuff for myself, to get things off my chest, regardless of the fact if anyone reads it or not.

I lost my cheer. That is, in short, the past 4 months since my last post. The previous post probably tipped you off about it but today it hit me that this is what's missing. Something so good and so fulfilling it brightens up my life, something to make me smile from ear to ear and make me thread lightly around the house.

People around me have found that something, in different ways, and I am happy for them but being happy for someone else is not the same as being happy for and with oneself. In fact, it stings when seeing other people happy when you yourself are not. I know that is a bleak way to look at things but let's be honest, I never hid the fact I'm really a pessimistic 'glass half-empty' kind of guy in the first place. I need not even mention the 'J-word', just scroll down to my very first post if you need your memory refreshed.

Things that have been going on lately, which will be detailed further later on, my job and school and general personal life, have given me little to be cheery about. And yes, I know people keep saying to look at the bright side but it's not my strong suit, as much as I want it to be.

I don't like being a downer either, I hate the fact that more often than not I am the partypooper, the guy that makes other people's day bad or worse, the one that always finds something to nag about often just to be able to complain.

What I need is a focal point, something to look forward to, something that can serve as a beacon, a goal of sorts. Right now that something is missing and I just go through the motions of daily life, which is a boring chore.

I got a job. Temporary at best, until I can go back to school in September. It's not the most mind-numbing thing but it does lack excitement or stimulation, unless you consider bruises, cuts and the ever present danger of losing a finger or arm in a press exciting. It brings in the money, money that's been reserved for a purpose since even before it was deposited in my account, namely...

School. Back to the benches it is for me come September 1st. 4 years of studying, books, numbers and daily travel to my destination of choice, this time much closer to home. As I can't afford to move out of my parent's house before I have a full-time, well-paying job, I will commute there every day by use of bus. This time I will be the senior in the class. A 24-year old between 17- and 18-year olds. Though I have no doubt I'll manage to fit in as I usually do. Starting out the familiar cycle of 'observer-mingler-joker-all round familiar guy'.

Social life will start up again, maybe I will join a sorority of sorts. I know that over the past year I have developed my social skills to a new level. One where I'm not introverted or shy about most things anymore, one where I can freely talk to anyone and even be the kick-starter for topics and conversations. How this will affect my online life? I do not know. Lately I have noticed that, due to my odd working hours, contacts online have been watering down, severing and fading.

My daily routine (or grind if you will) leaves me little time for anything but sleep, work and general household chores. The few hours I have to spend online, I spend talking to a few people on Skype, idling in WoW or raiding when I can. In the weekends, my only true free time, I try to catch up on sleep or visit people, going out with them or to them and hang out for a pretty good time.

I guess that, even when reading all this, you have noticed life isn't all too exciting, yet exciting enough to keep me awake most of the time. There's several things I haven't mentioned here that I will bring up in future posts, namely the ever-present topic my personal love life (oooeh exciting! or not...) and future plans that are on the agenda.

Wall of text thought up, written and posted. Take care.


Sav.

The spice must flow and so must the ideas

So here I present you 3 short 'poems' I came up with while listening to some songs after a bad day. Nothing major or worthy of Poe but it'll do...

They're named after the song that inspired them, I included them in the brackets below the title.

Sav.


Cocoon
(Cocoon – Assemblage 23)

The inside, soft and protecting
The warmth and safety

The outside, harsh and cold
Enemies all around, preying on you

The inside, tight and comforting
Alone to gather thoughts

The outside, getting brighter
The sun starts to warm things up

The inside, like a brick wall
Keeping you from harm

The outside, inviting and good
Waiting for me to come out

The inside gives way, opening the door to the outside
But the outside is not as the inside was

I go back inside....



Mad World
(Mad World – Gary Jules)

As I walk the streets, do my eyes see
The world around or the world inside of me
Not one person looking up
Not one person seeing the world that could be

Halfway down the street, everyone in neverland
A familiar face calls out, raises up his hand
I respond without much joy
He cannot understand...

The world inside is strange to see
No one knows it besides me
Maybe one day, things will be looking up
And I can share this world if needed be

My face towards the pavement, eyes in neverland
I bite my lip and clench my hand
I can still remember joy
I just do not understand...



Illusion
(Illusion – VnV Nation)

Just when it’s all about to fall apart
That one person swoops in to save you
Like it’s an illusion

They make everything seem okay again
They put you back on your feet
But it’s an illusion

When the worlds is out to get you
They keep you safe from harm
Or is that an illusion

A private space for just you two
Where no one will disturb you
That world is an illusion

Your day is bright and shiny again
Nothing can bring you down!
Is this an illusion?

Separation will come, always
Time without the other
Please don’t shatter my illusion

I need you, or think I do
Everything seems darker without you
Rejoin my illusion

The way I look at me is not like you
You see me for what I truly am
I am an illusion

Stay a While...and Listen

Woah, it's been too long since I posted something! Probably due to either nothing happening at times or too much to even begin thinking about posting it up...

Several things have happened lately that have advanced me in a good direction. Firstly I have 'added' some people to my list of Angels, a list very hard to get onto and nearly impossible to get stricken off from. An old friend returned, a new one appeared from a warm and cold place, another new one from close by with so many similar interests it's almost scary and then of course the new old one that is far away but always with me in my heart and mind.

I love every single one of them, granted, one more than the others....and I'm not going to apologize for it either! Some people will always remain just friends, be it very good friends. Others will go beyond that barrier (in record time I might add).

This ties in nicely to my being away for just over a week. I stayed with a friend across the country to work. Yes, I did actual work and I liked it. It was hard, no doubt about it. My hands were literally destroyed when I got home, blisters on my feet, foot soles cracked and busted and painful knees to top it off. But....the people were awesome. I met so many interesting folks there, some of which I exchanged online info with to keep in touch.

The WoW Nerd, the study-man, the traveler, the silly girl, the party girl, the teacher, the foreigner, the gangster-wannabe, the lazy guy....Names are connected to each one of those stereotypes now and I fit right in.
I was hesitant at first to get mixed in with a group of 30 people I've never met but I turned out some kind of popular guy at the end of the week. The guy who's always smiling, telling people to look at the bright side. The guy you want to sit with for the 30 minutes we had to eat dinner, who joked around in a good way during the 2 breaks we got for the whole day.

Only later did I realize this was because I went in there with a 'lets just be me and see what happens' attitude. Something I seem to lack severely at times. The idea I have to live up to the image I think people have of me when I've been talking to them online but not face to face is what can hold me back. That problem doesn't exist when you meet someone for real and it's actually the first time.

So now it's up to me to translate and adapt that thought and behavior to my existing situations, be me all the time, even when people then think they might have gotten the wrong idea first time around.

During this week I've also been rethinking my plans of using the money to travel places. Sure, I still want to meet all those people but it doesn't look like they are as enthusiastic as I am about it and to be fair, I could use the money for other things. Mainly to GTFO of this house! I seriously need my own place soon or I'm gonna go crazy from the constant bickering between people, the lowly attitude and the thought that someone can burst into my room any second and declare they got me a job at place where I start tomorrow for at least 5 years...

Anyways, I think this about sums up the month and half gap I left here, more to come soon (perhaps?), you never know!

Creative juices and more

Last night I was totally awake for about 5 minutes and apparently I scribbled something on my notepad before going back to sleep without effort.
This morning I woke to find the scribblings and decided to polish them up a bit! Here is what I wrote:


'Do not run before you can walk
Do not shout before you can speak
Do not preach before you can understand

Do not take before you can give

Do not give another love before you have given it to yourself'


I wouldn't mind a few more walking dreams like that, I can tell ya that much...

On to important stuff: Feb 7th - Superbowl Party, Feb 14th - Stay in Bed Day, Feb 21st - Family Dinner


See y'all next time! Sav out.

'How to ruin a day' or 'When is good, good enough?'

I was having dinner, same as usual on a Saturday afternoon. Same 6 people round a table, eating the same thing, all in silence.

The one that broke that silence was my father. He turned to me and said 'You know how embarrassing it is to have someone ask you what you (that'd be me) do and to have to say you do nothing? You've disappointed me'. I sat there and took it. But it stung, deeply.

It's a trend that begun around first grade (called Group 4 over here) and that never ended. I could always 'do better', 'try harder', 'score higher'. When I scored an 8 I should've studied harder and gotten a 9, when I got a 9 I should've spent less time with friends but more with my books and gotten a 10. On the rare occasions I managed a 10 and proudly told him it was always 'better make sure next one's a 10 too'.

Never a compliment, never pat on the head or a 'good job, I'm proud'. Being the first person in the family ever to score high on the end of school test meant that in high school even more would be expected of me. Expectations that weren't met.

Was it due to them being unreasonably high, or due to them being there at all? What's done is done, same goes for college...

And people wonder why I have issues, all I can say is: tip of the iceberg my friends


Now back to things I enjoy and make me feel good about myself


Sav out

Early bird catches the cold

It's 5.30 in the bloody morning, I'm shaking from the bitter cold and the need for sleep. Yet I can't go back to bed, not before writing off all the thing I have to. How much that is I don't know, I will when it's done I guess.

Years. I took me years to get to where I am in my life, be it for good or bad. The walls I built were big, high and solid. It only took a moment, in my eyes, to knock a hole into them. It flowed out, whatever it was.

Warmth, hope, dreams, love, whatever. For a good reason, at least at the time. Hindsight is 20/20 so they say. I woke up not 10 minutes ago and for the first time in a while I felt the hole in the wall was plugged again.

I've been a fucking mess inbetween the breach and the repair. You readers will have no doubt noticed. The fix is temporary though, and by no means a solution. Once the flow starts it cannot be stopped anymore, things never on my mind will forever stay there now. The wall is but a vessel, holding everything in until there is someone who can drain it, bit by bit, until it's empty.

The person I'm looking for, yearning for, praying for. Who will understand, who will know, who will love, who will hold, who will comfort, who will be comforted when needed, loved when needed to be loved and held when needed to be held.

Though I don't know when, I will find her, no doubt remains anymore that I will. Briefly I was on top, for a split second in the eternity of 23 years. I slipt, fell, hit my head on the way down and lay there for a while.

I got back up, and it's time to make my way to the top again, because once you've seen the view from up there you want to see it again, for as long as possible.

As for loose thoughts: ace holiday few weeks back, appreciating my friends more and more, looking forward to Feb. 7th and the plans I have for this year.


NB: First ever edit...I didn't want to but time is no excuse for poor spelling

And so, It begins..

Wow, 3 days into 2010 and already I've had a horrible week! That must be a new record...or maybe not...

So it appears that the past month or so I've pretty much been living a lie. I'm not sure whether it was just high hopes, the inexperience factor or straight up self-deceit but it is now certain that the thing I thought was a thing, actually wasn't. It might have been nothing from her side all along but it is now also nothing more from my side.

I still have many questions and I'd be lying if I said I was 100% okay right now, but I'm dealing better than I thought I would. I've begun planning things to do this year, maybe out of a sense of moving on or maybe because I'm just tired doing nothing.

There's also still nagging feelings of insecurity, doubt and general discontent with myself for several reasons. Most of whom I won't list here for sake of rambling on too long but I do wonder what the future holds for me. Will my efforts be repaid with happiness and joy or will I once again be shot down mid-flight, to crash and burn horribly. I don't know but I have to try, if only to gain self-confidence and pride in who I am and who I can become.

Too long have I set idly by, letting the world spin past me as years went on. What use is intellect if it is not used. What use is love if not shared. What use is life if not lived.

Next time I'll have more positive stuff to bring you, I promise!