It's been over a year since I posted, oh how time flies! As the title says, I only come to my 'blog' when I feel like I need to get stuff off my chest that no one else will take. At least I think that's how it works.
A lot has happened this past year, good and bad of course. Ever since I've become single again I've been struggling to find out who I am now. And to be honest I'm still not 100% sure. What I do know is that after moving past the heartbreak, the regret, the anger and much much sadness I've come to appreciate once more what it is to be by myself. That's also the reason I'm writing here but more on that later.
Flying solo has its advantages for sure. No one to tell you what to do, no one to steer you one way or the other. Perfect freedom to do whatever you want. Flipside of course being that everything you do has a little less meaning because you can't share it with someone else. Achievements and fun moments ring hollow when you look around and there's no one there to congratulate you or to say 'haha, yeah I saw that, that was hilarious'. Over time I've adjusted myself to this and I've come to accept that, because of who I am and what I do, I'm not really suited to be in that kind of environment.
Sure, I'm still GM of my own WoW guild and with that come certain responsibilities and expectations. You'll always find me ready to answer questions or participate in events and social gatherings.
But not since her have I felt that connection again. A while after it all sank in I realised I did some things that resulted in me not having many (online) friends left to talk to. I set out to rectify that but I've also been hesitant to. Not only to make sure I never end up in a situation like that ever again but also to protect myself when it comes to attachments.
There's probably about 2 or 3 people I regularly talk to about issues that go beyond 'hey nice weather eh, how about that football match'. While this is on purpose, it's also harmful in the long run.
Recently I've begun to go out more and expand my comfort zone beyond 'do something crazy for once and see what happens'. This ended up in me meeting a very nice, interesting person. She and I had a click almost instantly and due to school commitments we saw each other regularly. Of course things got more and more serious, with all that envelops, but we ended it before it became more than friends who spent time together and had 'fun'. This was because of her work situation, where she was pretty much across the country all week while I'm still stuck here for a (hopefully) small while. Both of us were mature enough to see this would lead to a lot of complications and probably someone feeling like they weren't getting all they needed. I was very surprised that I not only got to this conclusion but also was able to admit it to myself and not dip into another downward spiral.
It was of course a total bummer so I'm still pretty 'meh' about the whole thing, sad that I missed out on what could possibly have been something great. But that's also behind me now. So on to the real reason I've written this post! I had a nice distraction this week, hanging out with a friend I talk to fairly often, one of the ones mentioned above. It was a great day, filled with fun and laughs and distraction that I sorely needed. And her as well, I'm sure. The day after that was crap. On a stick. Not only had I not slept one bit due to excessive heat and mosquito's but also I had a double shift at work to look forward to. I guess I didn't bring enough water and that combined with the heat resulted in me coming home all messed up. I didn't eat all day and went about 2 days without food in total. I also was pretty grumpy at times for almost no reasons.
Me being me of course, it wouldn't be a reason to write anything if there wasn't something else. You see, my friend is a really good friend. And I feel pretty protective of her because we go way back and we've both seen a lot of each other. So after spending a whole week living up to this day, when it was over I had what I can compare to a sugarcrash. That ugh feeling you get when you drank too much Coke or Fanta or whatever and the sugar wears off. Too much excitement basically which is kinda sad if you think about it. It's lead me again to evaluate what I'm doing with my time, who I'm talking to and why and what I can do to change things up again.
Life hasn't been too kind to me still but I'm not ready to give up just yet even if it's the easiest thing to do almost every time I wake up and am slightly disappointed that I actually DID wake up. I am seeing someone for that though which has also been tremendously helpful! I think that without the combined might of therapy and online peoples to talk to I would not be sitting here to write in my blog again.
Sooooooo... what is next? 'Busy' weeks for one. Tomorrow I'm visiting my doctor at 8 for something I've been putting off a while which will probably result in minor surgery. After that I've promised (and pressured) myself into going to the gym again. Every day of the working week until vacation is over. I don't really care about being overweight that much anymore but I'm very annoyed some of my cooler shirts and pants don't quite fit anymore. Also, tearing myself down at the gym will help me get rid of some excess energy AND keep my mind off things AND provide a welcome distraction from boredom.
And who knows, I might start writing again regularly if things go well. Or not so well. Yes, I know I keep saying that every time.... That part of me still hasn't changed.
P.S. Appropriately fitting song time!
10 July 2016
14 April 2015
.. But Times Change, And So Must I
I'm not there yet, but I know that when this is over I'll be a different person again. If you've seen Doctor Who (and you'd better have!) you can compare it to a regeneration. Still the same person in essence but with subtle changes. I will always remember who and what I was but I will also sail a new course, doing things slightly different and with a different attitude. Right now I'm still 'cooking' though and who knows what kind of leather jacket-wearing, fishfinger and custard-eating, French-murmeling guy I'll turn into!
But for now, I'm more echoing the 10th Doctor in his passing: 'I don't want to go..'
The going is still rough hrm. I don't eat much, I don't feel like doing much outside of keeping busy enough to not overthink, I don't sleep much either and when I wake up I'm still very tired. My mind keeps wandering to bad places, places filled with more pain and thoughts of all the things that might've been or still are. Lamenting all the feelings that've suddenly crept up from inside that should've done so a long time ago and maybe things would've been different..
But someone told me to not think of that anymore, that it doesn't help and that you can't change the past. And I cannot, I'm not a Time Lord after all and if I was my whole life would probably be timelocked anyways.
But for now, I'm more echoing the 10th Doctor in his passing: 'I don't want to go..'
The going is still rough hrm. I don't eat much, I don't feel like doing much outside of keeping busy enough to not overthink, I don't sleep much either and when I wake up I'm still very tired. My mind keeps wandering to bad places, places filled with more pain and thoughts of all the things that might've been or still are. Lamenting all the feelings that've suddenly crept up from inside that should've done so a long time ago and maybe things would've been different..
But someone told me to not think of that anymore, that it doesn't help and that you can't change the past. And I cannot, I'm not a Time Lord after all and if I was my whole life would probably be timelocked anyways.
13 April 2015
With a Song in My Heart
So after a few days of downer posts and raging, I feel like I'm having a pretty good day so far. Had a talk with a very good friend yesterday about.. a lot of things that made perfect sense. I guess I just needed to hear them said? Anyway, I thought that today I'd do something different! Below, you will find a handful of songs each dedicated to a single person. No names, just a description about what this song evokes in me.
Florence + The Machine - Shake It Out
For you, who's been a friend for a long time now. Proving everyone wrong who says you can't have friendship online. Thank you for inspiring me with ideals, thank you for being there whenever I need you even though I'm not an easy person when I am in need and thank you for trusting me enough to talk to me about your problems as well. Life ain't fair, but it's worth living
Fractured - Haunted Memories
For you, who was the second one to betray me in a most horrible way. We didn't share a long nor a happy time together but I will still remember you for what you did, good and bad. Thank you for opening my eyes to the truth of online relationships and their need to evolve beyond a screen. Thank you for showing me you can never really know someone, no matter how much you talk to them on a daily basis. Thank you for unwittingly preparing me for what I'm going through right now.
Jennifer Paige - Crush
For you, who was the first one to show me what real pain from love was. The first person I considered a girlfriend, the first person to put me aside like nothing and move on with the speed of light. Thank you for showing me that it's important to always be yourself, especially if you are sometimes someone else. Thank you for being the first to look at me in that certain way that says I can be more to someone than a friend. Thank you for my first kiss.
Huey and the News - the Power of Love
For you, who invited me into your home several times but ended up fading from my life. I still think of you regularly, regretting the way we parted. Thank you for showing me the best of times when I needed them. Thank you for encouraging me to travel however long I need to enjoy myself. Thank you for letting my inexperienced sense of sexuality explore you in ways I never had before up until the final step which I wasn't ready for at that time. Thank you for letting me introduce you to the awesomeness that is Back to the Future. Thank you for all the late nights spent on THF in Skype with the gang, expanding every horizon I had to this day.
Bruno Mars - The Way You Are
For you, who was with me for a long long time. I am still not over you and I am not sure I ever will. Maybe some part of me still hopes, against all odds. Another part of me has already given up on you and let you go because you seem to have done that already to me. Maybe some day I can be happy for your newfound love, but not today, not any time soon. Thank you for those amazing years. Thank you for being the person who taught me I can be loved, deserve to be loved for who I am with all my ups and downs, my flaws and excellencies. Thank you for being both my friend and lover up to just recently. Thank you for making me believe in true love even though it doesn't always end in sunshine and rainbows. Thank you for sharing so much with me: music, games, jokes, movies, lazy afternoons, days outside, strokes on my cheek, backrubs, resting yourself in my lap on the couch. Thank you.
Rihanna - S&M
For you, who taught me sexuality isn't something to hide or whisper about but to be proud of, to be spoken of and to be enjoyed. Thank you for showing me that women talking about sex has nothing to do with promiscuity but with being comfortable with themselves. Thank you for those late night conversations where you tricked me into saying good things about myself because I couldn't do it otherwise. Thank you for being the biggest tease I've ever known and still popping up in my dirty dreams every so often.
Florence + The Machine - Shake It Out
For you, who's been a friend for a long time now. Proving everyone wrong who says you can't have friendship online. Thank you for inspiring me with ideals, thank you for being there whenever I need you even though I'm not an easy person when I am in need and thank you for trusting me enough to talk to me about your problems as well. Life ain't fair, but it's worth living
Fractured - Haunted Memories
For you, who was the second one to betray me in a most horrible way. We didn't share a long nor a happy time together but I will still remember you for what you did, good and bad. Thank you for opening my eyes to the truth of online relationships and their need to evolve beyond a screen. Thank you for showing me you can never really know someone, no matter how much you talk to them on a daily basis. Thank you for unwittingly preparing me for what I'm going through right now.
Jennifer Paige - Crush
For you, who was the first one to show me what real pain from love was. The first person I considered a girlfriend, the first person to put me aside like nothing and move on with the speed of light. Thank you for showing me that it's important to always be yourself, especially if you are sometimes someone else. Thank you for being the first to look at me in that certain way that says I can be more to someone than a friend. Thank you for my first kiss.
Huey and the News - the Power of Love
For you, who invited me into your home several times but ended up fading from my life. I still think of you regularly, regretting the way we parted. Thank you for showing me the best of times when I needed them. Thank you for encouraging me to travel however long I need to enjoy myself. Thank you for letting my inexperienced sense of sexuality explore you in ways I never had before up until the final step which I wasn't ready for at that time. Thank you for letting me introduce you to the awesomeness that is Back to the Future. Thank you for all the late nights spent on THF in Skype with the gang, expanding every horizon I had to this day.
Bruno Mars - The Way You Are
For you, who was with me for a long long time. I am still not over you and I am not sure I ever will. Maybe some part of me still hopes, against all odds. Another part of me has already given up on you and let you go because you seem to have done that already to me. Maybe some day I can be happy for your newfound love, but not today, not any time soon. Thank you for those amazing years. Thank you for being the person who taught me I can be loved, deserve to be loved for who I am with all my ups and downs, my flaws and excellencies. Thank you for being both my friend and lover up to just recently. Thank you for making me believe in true love even though it doesn't always end in sunshine and rainbows. Thank you for sharing so much with me: music, games, jokes, movies, lazy afternoons, days outside, strokes on my cheek, backrubs, resting yourself in my lap on the couch. Thank you.
Rihanna - S&M
For you, who taught me sexuality isn't something to hide or whisper about but to be proud of, to be spoken of and to be enjoyed. Thank you for showing me that women talking about sex has nothing to do with promiscuity but with being comfortable with themselves. Thank you for those late night conversations where you tricked me into saying good things about myself because I couldn't do it otherwise. Thank you for being the biggest tease I've ever known and still popping up in my dirty dreams every so often.
12 April 2015
Righteous Anger
Today is filled with anger. Anger at him, anger at her. Anger at myself, anger at everyone around me. Anger at simple objects and anger and everything untouchable.
I've decided to go back to the gym tomorrow and from that day one, every day until the day I need to start my internship. I'm tired of hardly fitting in my pants anymore. Tired of being out of shape, fat even. I used to be in decent shape, when I was still outgoing and active and I didn't sit in front of the computer all day eating shit. I want to be in that kinda shape again, full of energy and happy with my looks. Or at least that part of my looks I have control over. I've long since made peace with the fact my eyesight is shit and, like the rest of the men in my family, I'm balding. At least I look decent with a close shave on top.
One thing I have to be happy about is something insanely stupid: for the first time in about 2 weeks I got a random hard-on. I guess at least some part of my body is happy that it still works. Great source of stress relief as well you know.
This coming week I'll also start putting in more hours at work. Both to occupy my mind and time and to make some money. I could really use more money for all the things I want to do without having to worry about potential horribleness. It'll feel good to see the cash flow in the green again, to build a little buffer for when times get bad financially. I'm also planning to hit a sushibar with my 2 closest-by best friends. Which is a miracle in itself because one of them never ever joins the other and I for our little adventures. I guess they're both really really interested in hearing my story of what happened the past few weeks. Nothing like a bottle of hot sake and a plate of salmon nigiri to discuss matters.
Oh and all hail peppermint tea, the only beverage I seem to hold down at the moment.
I've decided to go back to the gym tomorrow and from that day one, every day until the day I need to start my internship. I'm tired of hardly fitting in my pants anymore. Tired of being out of shape, fat even. I used to be in decent shape, when I was still outgoing and active and I didn't sit in front of the computer all day eating shit. I want to be in that kinda shape again, full of energy and happy with my looks. Or at least that part of my looks I have control over. I've long since made peace with the fact my eyesight is shit and, like the rest of the men in my family, I'm balding. At least I look decent with a close shave on top.
One thing I have to be happy about is something insanely stupid: for the first time in about 2 weeks I got a random hard-on. I guess at least some part of my body is happy that it still works. Great source of stress relief as well you know.
This coming week I'll also start putting in more hours at work. Both to occupy my mind and time and to make some money. I could really use more money for all the things I want to do without having to worry about potential horribleness. It'll feel good to see the cash flow in the green again, to build a little buffer for when times get bad financially. I'm also planning to hit a sushibar with my 2 closest-by best friends. Which is a miracle in itself because one of them never ever joins the other and I for our little adventures. I guess they're both really really interested in hearing my story of what happened the past few weeks. Nothing like a bottle of hot sake and a plate of salmon nigiri to discuss matters.
Oh and all hail peppermint tea, the only beverage I seem to hold down at the moment.
11 April 2015
What If.....
Yep.. one of those days again. Hardly slept, been up for hours helping around the house remodeling the bathroom and painting the hallways so I had pleeeeenty time to think about stuff again. Like: What if.. I hadn't been so blind and preoccupied with myself that I had seen this coming, what if I had read the signs on time and could've prevented this. What if I wasn't such a massive slacker and unmotivated person, would this have still happened? If I had been living there for a year or more already, could this have been avoided? If not, did I dodge a bullet and if yes, then did I fire this bullet myself?
Maybe, or probably, a big part of the blame lies on myself. Having had time to think stuff through more, I know that I'm massively at fault again. That doesn't make it easier though. Let me share something with you (whomever you are, reading this) about my thoughts today.
I've been thinking about all the things lost to me. Not just from the end of my relationship but in general. I wish I could go back in time and talk to my grandfather (dad's dad). He seems like I'd have liked him a lot and I regret not knowing him at all. He was a quiet man but with a smile on his face most of the time. He was a deep thinker with a big heart who love his wife, his 12 children and his 30-something grand-kids. He loved working outside in his orchard and tending his plants and when you wanted something off your chest, he invited you to sit next to him in his comfy chair to mull over some thoughts with something to drink. I never really got the chance to do this much, he died when I was 14 and by that time he was quite a ways gone already but there's pictures and some videos of him doing this with most of my cousins and my dad tells stories about him whenever he's had some beer.
I also wish I could talk to my cousin Kees again one more time. He was one of my favourite cousins, nearly of an age with my dad (being born to my dad's oldest sibling and my dad being the 2nd youngest of 12) and he was a great listener as well. Like my granddad, he too was full of advice and he spent nearly all his time by himself doing what he liked best: playing darts, building stuff in his yard and listening to his beloved Dutch music. In 2008 he came home late from a darts-match at his local pub (no drink, never while driving!) and he probably had to swerve to avoid a dog. It was pitch black on a back road with no lighting and a ditch with trees on either side. He wasn't in his regular sturdy van that day because it was being serviced but his girlfriend's metal can of a car. He swerved, slipped into the ditch and the car flipped up it's behind and the roof crushed against a big tree. They say he wasn't dead on impact and might've been conscious for a few hours after but no one found the wreck till early morning. I can't even imagine what he went through in his final moments but when the news came that Sunday afternoon, I knew something was lost forever.
That's how I feel now too. So much is lost by this 'simple' action (or inaction). A whole future, a life together, moments that will never be spent again. Lots of things I was seriously preparing for like a living in another county and leaving the little I had here behind, a job to (help) support us both, a house in the country with room for horses and dogs, kids... I really was ready for a kid now. Before I got the message that she didn't feel like she could continue anymore I ... I was planning to propose to her. Even been looking at rings that matched our couple earrings, stainless steel with black burned engravings. Oh god what I have done...
Yeah, keep telling me this feeling will pass and that I'll find someone else some day. Well right now I don't feel that and I can't even imagine feeling like that. I feel like everything I worked for the past 4-5 years is now gone in one fell swoop leaving just an empty hole that I can't even begin to imagine filling. Filling with what? There's outside circumstances that are forcing me to do this as fast as possible but there is no end to it yet. Not that I can see and that scares me most of all.
What will happen now? I don't know, nobody knows, nobody can know. All I know is that I'm going to keep writing everything down here so I have a spot to place these feelings for lack of better ways. A place where I can read it all back and make sense of it as that is the easiest way to organize all the conflicting and raging feelings I have right now.
Speak to you tomorrow...
P.S. A23, thank frak for A23
Maybe, or probably, a big part of the blame lies on myself. Having had time to think stuff through more, I know that I'm massively at fault again. That doesn't make it easier though. Let me share something with you (whomever you are, reading this) about my thoughts today.
I've been thinking about all the things lost to me. Not just from the end of my relationship but in general. I wish I could go back in time and talk to my grandfather (dad's dad). He seems like I'd have liked him a lot and I regret not knowing him at all. He was a quiet man but with a smile on his face most of the time. He was a deep thinker with a big heart who love his wife, his 12 children and his 30-something grand-kids. He loved working outside in his orchard and tending his plants and when you wanted something off your chest, he invited you to sit next to him in his comfy chair to mull over some thoughts with something to drink. I never really got the chance to do this much, he died when I was 14 and by that time he was quite a ways gone already but there's pictures and some videos of him doing this with most of my cousins and my dad tells stories about him whenever he's had some beer.
I also wish I could talk to my cousin Kees again one more time. He was one of my favourite cousins, nearly of an age with my dad (being born to my dad's oldest sibling and my dad being the 2nd youngest of 12) and he was a great listener as well. Like my granddad, he too was full of advice and he spent nearly all his time by himself doing what he liked best: playing darts, building stuff in his yard and listening to his beloved Dutch music. In 2008 he came home late from a darts-match at his local pub (no drink, never while driving!) and he probably had to swerve to avoid a dog. It was pitch black on a back road with no lighting and a ditch with trees on either side. He wasn't in his regular sturdy van that day because it was being serviced but his girlfriend's metal can of a car. He swerved, slipped into the ditch and the car flipped up it's behind and the roof crushed against a big tree. They say he wasn't dead on impact and might've been conscious for a few hours after but no one found the wreck till early morning. I can't even imagine what he went through in his final moments but when the news came that Sunday afternoon, I knew something was lost forever.
That's how I feel now too. So much is lost by this 'simple' action (or inaction). A whole future, a life together, moments that will never be spent again. Lots of things I was seriously preparing for like a living in another county and leaving the little I had here behind, a job to (help) support us both, a house in the country with room for horses and dogs, kids... I really was ready for a kid now. Before I got the message that she didn't feel like she could continue anymore I ... I was planning to propose to her. Even been looking at rings that matched our couple earrings, stainless steel with black burned engravings. Oh god what I have done...
Yeah, keep telling me this feeling will pass and that I'll find someone else some day. Well right now I don't feel that and I can't even imagine feeling like that. I feel like everything I worked for the past 4-5 years is now gone in one fell swoop leaving just an empty hole that I can't even begin to imagine filling. Filling with what? There's outside circumstances that are forcing me to do this as fast as possible but there is no end to it yet. Not that I can see and that scares me most of all.
What will happen now? I don't know, nobody knows, nobody can know. All I know is that I'm going to keep writing everything down here so I have a spot to place these feelings for lack of better ways. A place where I can read it all back and make sense of it as that is the easiest way to organize all the conflicting and raging feelings I have right now.
Speak to you tomorrow...
P.S. A23, thank frak for A23
10 April 2015
Third Time is Not the Charm
So I guess I'm part of some elite club now, with all 3 of my relationships having ended in a poor, horrible manner. 3rd time I had to give up (what I thought was) the love of my live to another as they spar it out in front of me, 3rd time I feel like the bad guy, 3rd time filled with sleepless nights and activities chosen purely because of their distracting capabilities.
I don't even feel like going too much into detail about it this time, same routine as before: boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, boy spends x amount of time having the best time of his life with girl, girl's had enough of him, girl dumps him and moves on to someone else.
Yeah yeah, it wasn't cheating this time. But moving on before or immediately after your ex is still in your house is the absolute worst thing you can imagine having done to you and I've managed it twice now so apparently it doesn't matter what I think. I thought I would feel better once I got home again but I don't. Of course I don't. Here I have nothing else to worry about, nothing to occupy my mind to keep it clear of all the feelings and thought I had tried to bury so well for the past, say..., 7'ish years.
Every time this happens, an old wound gets ripped open and fresh blood is being added. 3 in a row, I must be some kind of shithead who deserves this in some way or another. Either 3 women felt like they had no choice but to do this to me or 3 times I called it upon myself, both thought are equally depressing.
So now I sit here, finding myself with less than a handful of people (read: 1) to even talk to about all this and it reminds me of the friends I used to have. The guy I used to be. Sure, he was emo and immature and in ways I still am. I have learned a lot these past years though even if it doesn't show in this post.
'Move on, deal with it, plenty more fish in the sea, it happens'. Those are things I've heard a hundred times by now and each time they mean less and less. Maybe I don't want to, or can't, move on as fast as other seem to be able to, maybe I don't want to deal with it, maybe those other fish can go fuck themselves because they're likely the same as the fish I've already eaten. As for 'it happens', damn right it happens. Over and over and over.
All of this has happened before and all of this will happen again. So say we all!
EDIT: Before the inevitable misunderstandings start to happen and questions are going to be asked: NO, she did not cheat on me nor did she ever do that. NO, I'm not depressed in the regularly used definition of the word ('just' heartbroken) and YES, we are still friends but with a communication-silence for the time being until I have moved on far enough to chat again. That is all.
I don't even feel like going too much into detail about it this time, same routine as before: boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, boy spends x amount of time having the best time of his life with girl, girl's had enough of him, girl dumps him and moves on to someone else.
Yeah yeah, it wasn't cheating this time. But moving on before or immediately after your ex is still in your house is the absolute worst thing you can imagine having done to you and I've managed it twice now so apparently it doesn't matter what I think. I thought I would feel better once I got home again but I don't. Of course I don't. Here I have nothing else to worry about, nothing to occupy my mind to keep it clear of all the feelings and thought I had tried to bury so well for the past, say..., 7'ish years.
Every time this happens, an old wound gets ripped open and fresh blood is being added. 3 in a row, I must be some kind of shithead who deserves this in some way or another. Either 3 women felt like they had no choice but to do this to me or 3 times I called it upon myself, both thought are equally depressing.
So now I sit here, finding myself with less than a handful of people (read: 1) to even talk to about all this and it reminds me of the friends I used to have. The guy I used to be. Sure, he was emo and immature and in ways I still am. I have learned a lot these past years though even if it doesn't show in this post.
'Move on, deal with it, plenty more fish in the sea, it happens'. Those are things I've heard a hundred times by now and each time they mean less and less. Maybe I don't want to, or can't, move on as fast as other seem to be able to, maybe I don't want to deal with it, maybe those other fish can go fuck themselves because they're likely the same as the fish I've already eaten. As for 'it happens', damn right it happens. Over and over and over.
All of this has happened before and all of this will happen again. So say we all!
EDIT: Before the inevitable misunderstandings start to happen and questions are going to be asked: NO, she did not cheat on me nor did she ever do that. NO, I'm not depressed in the regularly used definition of the word ('just' heartbroken) and YES, we are still friends but with a communication-silence for the time being until I have moved on far enough to chat again. That is all.
6 May 2012
Stubborn and Old
Myeah, it's been a while since I wrote something here... couple of months? For several reasons actually. One is that I don't think anyone actually reads this and the other being I only feel like writing when I got something to complain about.
I guess I don't really care about #1 and #2 is just what I do. I don't know why but complaining is in my blood. A Dutch thing perhaps? We are kinda known for complaining about anything, just so we can say something got a bit better at some point. Sometimes, things are good as they are though.
Lately I find myself hrm.. how to put it... happy with how things are. Could be better (see, complaining again) since nothing is optimal but it's getting there. School is going well, passed 6/7 so far without much trouble and my classmates think I'm worth hanging around with. That's always a good sign things are okay.
The biggest thing in my life is still that special someone I met, well over a year ago now. Time flies but not fast enough. I want to be there, with her. It makes things so much easier and better if I was. Now, more than ever, I feel the need to leave this place. Not just my home and family but my country.
Don't get me wrong, I'm proud to be Dutch and I'll always be a southerner but it seems things are going downhill. Maybe I watch too much news, maybe I'm seeing things in black and white but I'm starting to dislike living in the Netherlands more and more. Sure, it's a nice country on the outside with the cows and the fields and the tasty sauces but I can't help but feel it's slowly rotting from the inside.
The government is doing all sorts of crazy shit like blocking internet sites and pushing through laws that the people don't want at all. The biggest screamers win the votes, even though all they're screaming is empty and hollow. Streets are getting more and more unsafe, crimes go unpunished or barely punished at all (3 years for murder, REALLY?!). Feels like we're not the cozy country we used to be anymore. Or maybe I'm getting old(er).
Family is all fucked up. I think I told y'all (who? haha) about my big family once, 11 uncles and aunts on my dad's side. Since my grandma passed away and left the house and other possessions to be split equally among the 12 children, things have gone south. People trying to literally destroy each other over some goddamn cash. Why deny your own brother or sister the part that they're entitled to? Why make it so hard on yourself just to spite another? I don't get it and I hope I never do, because for all the silly things we do I still fucking love my sisters. And my parents too for that matter. I want the family from 10 years ago back, when we celebrated birthdays and anniversaries with 150 people in a cafe-partyroom and chugged a beer to some funny acts and got to socialize with family members you usually didn't get to see that often.
Don't think this'll ever clear up though, things have gone too far to be forgiven. When I find myself thinking, when delivering my Saturday mail, how nice it would be to just burn the things I have to deliver to my asshole uncle who lives down the street I need a reality-check... the hell happened that made me think that about people I used to like? We all choose sides and there's no switching, it's do or die, till the bitter end. Of course I'm behind my dad, no matter what his side is. I don't even know what is his side it and it doesn't matter.
I lost track of what I wanted to type xD Ah yes..weight >.>
Lately, or rather the past year and a half or so, I've been putting on weight like a walrus in a cake shop. Getting lazy, not cycling to school anymore, not going to the gym anymore, eating after midnight, eating too much in one go, eating too fat, etcetera etcetera. It's gotten to the point where I'm having constant stomach aches and I can't tell if it's from genuine appetite, a soar of some kind or from overeating. Stomach acid perhaps... Whatever the case, it's really really bad but I can't seem to get myself to that mental point where I say 'stop, tis enough now'. That point needs to come soon or I will literally have no more clothes to put on that actually fit and I'll do some kind of irreparable damage to my body.
I eat out of boredom mostly and because it's easy. There's always something I can eat and my parents don't really say anything about it. I just wonder when it's actually enough hrm, I can't show myself like this and it's not very attractive either.
Well, enough rambling for one post. Maybe more some other time, if I feel like it. If only to satisfy my need to put stuff on paper regardless of anyone reading it or finding it helpful/funny/entertaining/insightful.
Sav out.
I guess I don't really care about #1 and #2 is just what I do. I don't know why but complaining is in my blood. A Dutch thing perhaps? We are kinda known for complaining about anything, just so we can say something got a bit better at some point. Sometimes, things are good as they are though.
Lately I find myself hrm.. how to put it... happy with how things are. Could be better (see, complaining again) since nothing is optimal but it's getting there. School is going well, passed 6/7 so far without much trouble and my classmates think I'm worth hanging around with. That's always a good sign things are okay.
The biggest thing in my life is still that special someone I met, well over a year ago now. Time flies but not fast enough. I want to be there, with her. It makes things so much easier and better if I was. Now, more than ever, I feel the need to leave this place. Not just my home and family but my country.
Don't get me wrong, I'm proud to be Dutch and I'll always be a southerner but it seems things are going downhill. Maybe I watch too much news, maybe I'm seeing things in black and white but I'm starting to dislike living in the Netherlands more and more. Sure, it's a nice country on the outside with the cows and the fields and the tasty sauces but I can't help but feel it's slowly rotting from the inside.
The government is doing all sorts of crazy shit like blocking internet sites and pushing through laws that the people don't want at all. The biggest screamers win the votes, even though all they're screaming is empty and hollow. Streets are getting more and more unsafe, crimes go unpunished or barely punished at all (3 years for murder, REALLY?!). Feels like we're not the cozy country we used to be anymore. Or maybe I'm getting old(er).
Family is all fucked up. I think I told y'all (who? haha) about my big family once, 11 uncles and aunts on my dad's side. Since my grandma passed away and left the house and other possessions to be split equally among the 12 children, things have gone south. People trying to literally destroy each other over some goddamn cash. Why deny your own brother or sister the part that they're entitled to? Why make it so hard on yourself just to spite another? I don't get it and I hope I never do, because for all the silly things we do I still fucking love my sisters. And my parents too for that matter. I want the family from 10 years ago back, when we celebrated birthdays and anniversaries with 150 people in a cafe-partyroom and chugged a beer to some funny acts and got to socialize with family members you usually didn't get to see that often.
Don't think this'll ever clear up though, things have gone too far to be forgiven. When I find myself thinking, when delivering my Saturday mail, how nice it would be to just burn the things I have to deliver to my asshole uncle who lives down the street I need a reality-check... the hell happened that made me think that about people I used to like? We all choose sides and there's no switching, it's do or die, till the bitter end. Of course I'm behind my dad, no matter what his side is. I don't even know what is his side it and it doesn't matter.
I lost track of what I wanted to type xD Ah yes..weight >.>
Lately, or rather the past year and a half or so, I've been putting on weight like a walrus in a cake shop. Getting lazy, not cycling to school anymore, not going to the gym anymore, eating after midnight, eating too much in one go, eating too fat, etcetera etcetera. It's gotten to the point where I'm having constant stomach aches and I can't tell if it's from genuine appetite, a soar of some kind or from overeating. Stomach acid perhaps... Whatever the case, it's really really bad but I can't seem to get myself to that mental point where I say 'stop, tis enough now'. That point needs to come soon or I will literally have no more clothes to put on that actually fit and I'll do some kind of irreparable damage to my body.
I eat out of boredom mostly and because it's easy. There's always something I can eat and my parents don't really say anything about it. I just wonder when it's actually enough hrm, I can't show myself like this and it's not very attractive either.
Well, enough rambling for one post. Maybe more some other time, if I feel like it. If only to satisfy my need to put stuff on paper regardless of anyone reading it or finding it helpful/funny/entertaining/insightful.
Sav out.
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